Why I am looking forward to the college admission process for my son

Parent Cafe
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<p>Why I like the college admission process!</p>

<p>OK, I'll admit: my family hasn't been around the block on this, and we haven't been chewed up and spit out. My oldest son is just a HS sophomore. </p>

<p>I keep hearing that the college admissions process stresses kid out, but I think it's just stressful to grow up. All the skills that colleges look for, I would be even more motivated to help DS develop if he were going to get a job and support himself after graduation. </p>

<p>Thinking about college and considering what you will put on that application form makes you take a hard look at yourself, inventory your skills and experiences, and gives you a chance to identify weaknesses and strive to correct them. I'm not convinced that the admissions processes needs to stress kids out, but it does push them to grow up, (in a good way) and that's not always easy! It really is a rite of passage, and rites of passage are difficult but beneficial.</p>

<p>The qualities colleges judge applicants by are things I want DS to work on anyway:</p>

<p>1) Grades. Getting good grades requires showing up and paying attention, being organized, time management, and not having an attitude. These are exactly the skills needed to succeed in a job. I'm glad DS is getting practice and feed back on these skills right now, before he has a job to lose.</p>

<p>2) Standardized testing. Half the world just hates these, and the other half is ambivalent. However, they give you good feedback about your skills. If you don't like it improve. For example on a practice PSAT, DS got wrong several "easy" math problems. Bad luck? Not at all. We all do worse under stress, and the "easy" skills need to be automatic.
You can't be a competent soccer player if you have to look down at your feet to be able to dribble the ball. First you get the dribbling to be automatic, then you look up to see your teammates, think about strategy, and have fun. Just as nobody wants to play a sport with teammates who have neglected the basic skills, colleges don't want students who aren't logical or can't get facts straight to be impeding classroom discussion. I want him to know his math, know how to read a variety of material, know his grammar and how to write a short essay. His future academic teammates will appreciate this.
If DS is on the job, nobody is going to accept the excuse of time pressure if he makes a math mistake on someone's invoice, or orders 10x the supplies needed, or misreads important instructions.</p>

<p>3) Leadership. If people don't make things happen, nothing happens. Life is boring. The last town we lived in had great civic involvement: concerts in the park; town festivals; athletic clubs; events for the kids; fun, healthy things almost every weekend. Volunteers made all this happen. So I can feel stressed that my kid needs to be elected captain or president of some school club, or I can say "How can I teach my kid to make fun things happen for groups of people?" Leadership doesn't have to be a popularity contest, it's developing skills to make fun for us and our friends. My kids are introverts but they still need to be able to do their part in organizing people.</p>

<p>4) Initiative. This is a tough one for a lot of kids. Teenage life and high school requirements seem rigid. I think one of the main reasons for burn-out is that kids feel trapped. I want to teach my sons how to change things if they feel trapped. When they complain, I ask them "How would you rather have the situation?" "What can you do to make it that way?" More than anything else I want my kids to understand that they can create the life they want, but that they are going to need to flex their imagination and courage muscles to make it happen. </p>

<p>5) Work isn't life. We all need interests. Maybe these interests even help others, or entertain others, are just fun things for people to do together. If college weren't in the cards, I would perhaps be even more motivated to make sure my children develop these "extracurricular" interests. In fact to imply they are "extra" is crazy – they are the main deal in a well-lived life.</p>

<p>6) Being really good at something. The human race just keeps getting better at everything we do: better technologically, better at making goods with less materials, better at sports, inventing new sports and then being breathtakingly good at them; creating music, film, communications of all kinds, doing research and creating knowledge. I think to view this as a competition and therefore stressful is a huge mistake. The reason I want my kids to be really good at least one thing is for them to have the experience of understanding the expert mind. I want them to wonder "How do the people who are best at this do it? How did they get from average to really good? How do you figure out how to improve beyond what anyone else knows how to do?" If they can start learning to think in these terms now, they may not contribute the Next Big Thing, but they will better appreciate those that do.</p>

<p>In short, I want DS to:
1) Be reliable
2) Know his basic skills
3) Do his part in organizing the fun
4) Know how to not feel trapped
5) Have a life
6) Enjoy human progress</p>

<p>And if he gets into a good college, so much the better.</p>

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<p>Very well said.</p>

<p>But the problem is that your kid, and my kid, and everybody else's kid never gets to do</p>

<ol>
<li>Be a kid</li>
</ol>

<p>To have to do all of the six things you list, all the time, for years on end, while simultaneously going through the turmoil of adolescence, is a bit rough, in my opinion.</p>

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<p>geomom--excellent post!</p>

<p>Marian--I agree, but there are kids and there are kids. I don't think we should overschedule & overstress them, but we are trying to turn them into responsible adults. The reason some kids get into trouble in college is they are still
pre-adolescents in some ways. I think we should have high expectations for our children and they will rise to them.</p>

<p>And by being capable they will have higher self-esteem and come through those adolescent years in better form.</p>

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<p>Marian,</p>

<p>Couldn't agree more. I've watched my s and his friends throughout the high school experience and it's been brutal. When I graduated HS in the 70's, I was at one of the top high schools in the country, had a good Ap load and know I didn't work 1/2 as hard as today's kids.</p>

<p>I actually expect that the workload will decrease at the college level and I've expressed that to a S that is clearly close to brning out with HS.</p>

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<p>I agree with geomom. Also, I believe that all of the things on her list are things that are important to "being a kid," which is a wonderful time to discover and develop one's interests and skills and to learn how to contribute to society. </p>

<p>I also think that during this period of time, kids get probably more playtime in this country than ever. Up until WWII or so, most Americans didn't even graduate from h.s. They dropped out of school at relatively early ages and went straight to work or to marriage.</p>

<p>Also, until the last century, probably around the 1930s or so, America was mainly rural, so most children were doing lots of hard labor on farms. That was considered childhood. Remember, that's why there was summer vacation: so kids could work on farms.</p>

<p>It wasn't until the 50s or so that people in this country thought that childhood should be doing lots of enrichment type of things and spending summers playing, not working.</p>

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<p>I know what I would have liked my son to do during the application process to frame himself in the most desireable light but then he went and had his own ideas and screwed it all up. :)</p>

<p>He is clearly an engineer. Concise, exact, just the facts and it buried him. But it was him :)</p>

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<p>Geomom, great post.</p>

<p>Marian, I don't think I agree about kids not having time to be kids, but then I am not really sure what you think they are missing. Very few of our kids are toiling at hard labor, as happens in a large part of the world or even in the US, two generations ago. Many teenagers seem to have plenty of disposable income and nice expensive electronic toys.</p>

<p>I suspect you think they are working too hard in school. Perhaps a very small percentage do. I am pretty sure you are not a teacher or you would not be worried about kids overworking. Most seem to have time for EC's and hobbies and hanging out.</p>

<p>So should we worry about the turmoil of adolescence? Doesn't that have something to do with a natural process that results from a surge of hormones? And isn't that an indication that their childhood is ending?</p>

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<p>My impression is that many colleges are expecting those applying to be fully finished goods, rather than a works in progress.</p>

<p>Many adults don't have their acts together in regards to Geomom's list; it's a tall order to expect teenagers to have it all under control.</p>

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<p>While I agree that many items on geomom's list are great things, I have to agree also with Marian that kids don't have time to just be kids--and if they try to take the time, they feel guilty about it.</p>

<p>When I compare my high school years to my children's, I had it made! I could work at a job--just for spending money and not worry about if it was giving me the right "look" for my resume. I volunteered, because I wanted to and enjoyed it--not because I felt pressured into doing it. If I wanted to join a club or not join one, I didn't have the GC and every interested parent telling me that "you have to have leadership to get in the college of your choice". It just seems that we were allowed to truly be ourselves and not in competition mode in every aspect of our lives.</p>

<p>Remember, those were the days before kids felt like they had to play a sport year round in order to keep competitive or attend SAT workshops to achieve the ultimate score (gosh, we just walked in and took the test). When mine were in high school, it seemed that every minute of every day was scheduled---and my kids weren't even in a highly ranked high school or in an area where people send their kids to ivies.</p>

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<p>I agree that teenagers are not going to be finished with this, but as I said,
my son is a sophmore and I'm really glad it is articulated and he can see that
not just colleges, but his parents expect him to grow up in these ways.</p>

<p>Also, looking at these goals has caused me to expect more from colleges as we research them. Are they going to help him to continue to grow in leadership? Do they support the students forming new clubs and really having an impact on campus policy, or is it all "packaged"? Will he have access as an undergrad to people who excel in their fields? Do they encourage students to have initiative, or are there lots of rules and red tape? Etc, etc.</p>

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<p>"Why I like the college admission process!"</p>

<p>geomom,
Although many of the things you are saying are true, I think the reason you like the college admissions process is that you haven't really been through it yet. We'll see if you still like it two years from now ;)...</p>

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<p>Our whole family enjoyed the college admissions process. We had an excuse to take some family trips together to visit campuses. As parents, we watched as our D started to analyze her interests, goals and plans. We watched while see developed some confidence at interviewing and asking questions. Finally we watched and provided some guidance while see made her selections. Since the process involved numerous auditions, the stress level did go up, but those sorts of stresses are part of the growth and maturation process.</p>

<p>Before, during and after, my D did music, sports and other activities she enjoyed. I don't think she ever once did anything just because it would look good for the adcoms. She took the SATs once after some minimal prep. She had too many other things to do and she would not give up her activities to study and take the SATs again. In the end it was her enthusiam and excitement, not her SATs, which got her into her reach school.</p>

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<p>I think it's great that geomom still holds the view that the application process is a noble one that by its very nature encourages our youth towards self reflection and growth. And I wholeheartedly agree with nngmm about the concept that it's easy to see things this way if you haven't been through the process yet. </p>

<p>Yes, there are some wonderful opportunities for family trips to check out colleges (if finances allow) and it is a pleasure to watch your child in action making choices. But it is also a grueling process for all involved and I hope I remember to check these boards two years from now to see if the OP is still so enthusiastic about being put through the meat grinder. Two years ago I was looking forward to this "journey of discovery" too. Now I wonder how I could have ever been so naive as to not see how ... well, how the whole game is really played.</p>

<p>As a disclaimer, D never did any activity just so she could fill in a blank on her app. She did what she loved although she would admit she also hoped colleges would see her passions as an asset. She never took a prep class for a test and I couldn't have gotten her to review independently for an SAT if my life depended on it. She is happy with her college choice and is far more interested in contemplating dorm decor than in rehashing any thoughts about the app process. Most of her friends feel the same way by now. A lot of the parents though are still feeling "chewed up and spit out" by the process and those who have another child applying in the coming years are already dreading it. Most say they are torn between wishing they still had their admissions "innocence" and being glad they now understand the game better.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your child geomom and please keep us posted!</p>

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<p>Guess I should have added a disclaimer too. None of mine did any prep classes for tests, nor joined a club or volunteered if it was something they didn't really want to do---though they did feel pressured by others to do otherwise (not by us--but by GC and other parents). We did do the year round sports thing and though it was enjoyed by both the kids and us--sometimes I wished it wasn't even offered and we could have sat back and relaxed during the summer rather than spending weekends and weeks doing the tournament circuits.</p>

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<p>No quest in life is easy. It is very important to have an organized plan to accomplish any task. That's what I see in geomom's posting. It will help her and her son go through the admission process with far less stress than most people face. "Actions alone we can control, results are not produced by us". </p>

<p>I have been through the admission process twice with my kids. Each time was a very different experience. I had a bigger role to play in one than the other. At the end they were happy with where they were going. I said to them that going to attend a partcicular school should not be seen as an end, but be considered a beginning. I emphasized they consider that admission not as an accomplishment, but just as a good opportunity for the next phase in life. </p>

<p>Personally I am happy that I have been able to play my part in their lives. They both sincerely appreciate it. The stress I experienced is worth every bit.</p>

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<p>"I hope I remember to check these boards two years from now to see if the OP is still so enthusiastic about being put through the meat grinder. Two years ago I was looking forward to this "journey of discovery" too. Now I wonder how I could have ever been so naive as to not see how ... well, how the whole game is really played."</p>

<p>I'm not the OP, but am a mom who has been through the admissions process with 2 sons and various mentees. I still share the OP's sentiments. I take a very long view of the college application process: I see it as part of years of supporting and assisting a young person identify and develop their strengths and talents and figure out what kind of things they can do in the present and future that will allow them to use their abilities and follow their interests to make themselves and the world better. I don't see the process as being doing whatever it takes to shape a young person so they can get into the most competitive college possible.</p>

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<p>I would love to have my kids work on the qualities posted. Can I send them over to your house? My son has the engineer mentality, also. He never understood why you have to 'play the game' in the real world, and when applying for college. But, he is happy with his choice, and I think it is a good fit. Hope that is still true in four years.</p>

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<p>I honestly don't think that one has to play the game when applying to college. I think that one should do one's best to avidly pursue one's interests and hone ones skills in areas that interest one, and then students should find colleges that match their personalities and interests.</p>

<p>It's not about getting into the most competitive college that one can get into. It's about doing things one enjoys, developing oneself into the person one's capable of becoming, and then finding the post high school options that best fit one's personality, goals and interests.</p>

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<p>I agree with you NSM, but so many of the kids do think that they "have" to play the game--whether this is brought on by parents, the high school, the media or what --I don't know.</p>

<p>I remember walking to the parking lot alongside a girl after one of my son's soccer games. Just to make conversation, I asked how her school year was going. She had been at this game to do photos for yearbook. First she just said "busy"--then she turned to me and burst into tears. She went on to say that she had all APs that semester, was editor of yearbook, held some office in student gov't that took much time, spent hours each week in free clinic, ran special events for Red Cross, and on and on. This girl was sleeping about 3 hours a night and was ready to crash and burn. I often thought about her after that night and hope that she found some peace and rest in college.</p>

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<p>"...hope that she found some peace and rest in college"</p>

<p>My D was talking on the phone about where she stands after 22 months of college. In another week she will have completed 103 semester hours, not counting 6 credits which she audited to build her math skills. She is pretty worn out, but knowing her, she will be ready to start her Summer internship and other activities after a couple of weeks of rest. So it doesn't necessarily end with college. Some kids are just internally driven and determined.</p>

<p>She has avoided two big mistakes - probably because we drummed them into her during high school. She exercises, usually an hour a day on the treadmill, and she tries to average at least 7 hours of sleep. She learned to study with relatively short bursts of intense concentration. Now if she would only learn to eat right. She claims she is going to work on that.</p>

<p>I don't see anything wrong with kids who are eager and determined. It is time to slow down when it is no longer fun and becomes overly stressful. It is also a good idea for HS students to understand themselves. If they push hard to get into a "good" college, they can find themselves continuing to work hard to keep up. For many kids a match college with a reasonable pace makes more sense.</p>