<p>There’s a difference between respectful as in well-raised and respectful as in – I’m so beaten down that I have no choices left but to go along.</p>
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<p>Yes, that’s why you’ll never see a thread on CC from children complaining that their parents have unrealistic expectations that they’ll get into HYP, or that their parents have said they’ll shame the family if they don’t, or that their parents were ashamed of them for “only” getting into, say, Cornell. Or that their parents shriek at them if they get less than an A, no matter how hard they work. Nope, never seen those threads on CC, ever.</p>
<p>Yes we do see those threads but I see alot more threads about kids who are not making it in their colleges, drug use, depression, sex, and wild partying. Just because American kids posts these things it does not mean all American kids are doing it or speaking about it. The few Chinese kids that posts on CC are drawn to this site because of the uber success of most kids on this site. The Chinese kid whose parents were ashamned of his Cornell acceptance is rare even on CC. </p>
<p>The point that I make is that American parents could learn alot from the dedication of Chinese mothers to work all day and spend hours many nights each week to bring their children to the private instruction they receive or to sit with them for hours. Lets admit that we all know many American parents that at the end of the day are sitting in front to the T.V screen while Johnny Joe is struggling with his work. That sort of stuff just doesn’t happen in a Chinese family who is educated and living in middle to upper middle class areas.</p>
<p>Starbright…Not racist at all but your post sounds racist. I made it clear that I was speaking about the Chinese kids that I know through their parents. We live in a middle to upper middle class area and I will stand by what I have said. If these kids get into trouble than their parents and schools and colleges sure have a special way of covering it all up.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl…If these kids are so beaten down than why are they all seeming to be so independant and intelligent? They are happy even though their lifestyle consists of the Chinese way. They spend alot of time with other Chinese families going , skating, skiing, weekends away in large groups. They do not want their children to develop bad habits that they will pick up from American kids…TV, computer games, early dating, drugs, etc…American families have in the name of independance permitted our children to do as they please much younger than our parents permitted (many whom were immigrants). This generation of Chinese parents arrived here as chldren and all they know is what they grew up with. In time they too will become a bit more westernized…not so sure they are happy with that idea.</p>
<p>Xiggi…I agree…She is the Chinese version of Kate plus eight. Keep the kids out of the public view.</p>
<p>“American parents that at the end of the day are sitting in front to the T.V screen while Johnny Joe is struggling with his work.”</p>
<p>Jeebus Christ and General Jackson.</p>
<p>I spent the better part of 4 years, keeping tabs on my kids homework most nights, giving her goals, helping her organize, and sometimes helping her with specifics. Also talking about intellectual subjects of all kinds, going to museums, etc, etc. (she has ADHD and until late junior year or so we didnt have the meds right - she seems to have matured enough - and TJ was so extraordinarly pressured - we HOPE she will make it in college without our parental support - but thats another discussion) </p>
<p>I mean I really, really resent your post. </p>
<p>BUT - we did that BECAUSE DD WANTED to stay, and succeed, at TJ. And with her IQ, we felt that to go to a college without her intellectual peers would be a negative. We did NOT tell her that she HAD to get all A’s (instead we let her take risks in class selection, like AP Japanese). We encouraged sleepovers, because her social development was important. We let HER pick EC’s. </p>
<p>And we let her know, that IF she didnt want to stay at TJ, she didnt have to, and we would love her all the same. Whatever she did, where ever she went.</p>
<p>The violation of the kid’s privacy mentioned by xiggi is one thing that bothers me about this story. The other is how smug Amy Chua is. She assumes because her daughters have turned out so well that proves she is a superior parent. In reality, it may just mean that she got away with her extreme behavior. Early on in the article the daughter acknowledges a memory of having decided not to rebel and to be an easy daughter to raise, what she doesn’t yet understand is where that decision came from. It might be that is when her overly controlling mother won the battle of wills.</p>
<p>Lets see what Amy Chua’s daughter is saying about her mother in ten years. Maybe she’ll still be singing her praises or maybe that is when Amy Chua will realize there are things she should have done differently as a parent.</p>
<p>Extended Chinese family members watching over the Chua-Rubenfeld daughters’ chaste dates with Chinese young men? I think it’s a mistake to over-idealize the situation. This family is half Caucasian, and they live in New Haven, not exactly an ethnic Chinese enclave.</p>
<p>"They do not want their children to develop bad habits that they will pick up from American kids…TV, computer games, early dating, "</p>
<p>My daughter attend TJHSST, which is about 40% or so Asian, a considerable number Chinese Americans.</p>
<p>My daughter did not date till junior year - my impression was that many east asian kids were by that point. My strong impression was that many east asian boys played video games. And the girls were about as good at rock band as the American girls were. And that the asian kids were about as familiar with tv and pop culture as the Americans (more so than my DD, who almost never watched TV). </p>
<p>Now maybe the asian families at TJ were more assimilated than recent immigrant families. Could be. But then it was the TJ families who were achieving, in grades, colleges, etc what all the others seem to want.</p>
<p>Brooklynborn…Again, I am not speaking about CC parents…who are not the norm of American families. I would say proof of that is to look at the stats of the kids on this forum. Do you really think most Americans do what typical CC parents do?</p>
<p>there are all kinds of different non asian american parents (bTW, if they are naturalized citizens, those asian parents are Americans too, and of course their US born children) And their different asian families, and chinese families. </p>
<p>I am not sure what the value added of the ethnic descriptors is in this case. As David Brooks said, what Chua did is just an extreme form of what has become standard among upper middle class Americans recently. Why not just say tiger mom without the ethnic labels? Other than to stir s**t and sell books.</p>
<p>What on EARTH do you think “typical” CC parents DO?</p>
<p>I think I’m pretty typical CC parent, and I have one kid who just now is getting it together as a student. I never pressured her, though she was perfectly capable of doing “better” work. She’s been prone to the occaisonal C and the “gentleman’s B-,” which is what I think the old gentleman’s C has become. But, she was happy, well-adjusted, worked well with others, and was excelling enough in other areas that I figured school just wasn’t her “thing.”</p>
<p>She’s proving me wrong this year, but through no fault of mine. I’d just written it off, frankly, and I was just dandy with it, cuz she’s a great kid, capital G great, and because I never worried about her work ethic, or will to do well, just her interest. So, now she ‘cares,’ and I will do what I can to support her in this, which is say, “Hey, that sounds interesting.” when she talks about her classes.</p>
<p>So, yeah, I don’t know what it is you think most “typical” CC families are doing. I think we’re all over the map on this site, which is one thing I really like about it, franlkly.</p>
<p>I’ve only read the same excerpts and reviews as everyone else. While I could never approve of someone who called her child “garbage”, I have to say I envy her complete confidence in her approach. I feel like I am always second guessing myself “am I too strict? Am I too soft? Should I have let them do this or that?” What a relief to just plow forward with your one-size-fits-all approach for better or worse. No angst, no worries about being a good mother. I’m not saying she is a better mother for it. I just envy the confidence. </p>
<p>I think her approach may work some of the time for some kids. I think an intelligent, emotionally mature person knows when to select the right behavior that is most appropriate to the situation and child. </p>
<p>D heard about the book and told me I should have been more like the Tiger Mom with her. This, from a child who fought me on everything I told or asked her to do since she could speak. I hope she gets the chance to try this approach with her own kids.</p>
<p>I agree with other posters that this woman has violated her daughters’ privacy. I can’t imagine her motivation for publishing such a revealing book (I have not read it, but have read the online article and excerpts). </p>
<p>I would not have wanted to be a mother like Chua, but I can’t imagine my sons being as compliant as her daughters were if I’d tried the things she did. My sons have each pursued their interests, not chosen by me. Some of these interests are in areas where I am well-qualified to help them and find resources, some of them are not. I would gladly drive S2 for an hour to the best piano teacher, if I knew how to find that person. Instead, I do my best and then worry that I haven’t made a good decision.</p>
<p>Not surprising to me, after reading this book, that Sophia would come to her mom’s defense. Throughout the book, Sophia is the compliant one, while her sister Lulu rebels against the “Chinese” mothering. Chua writes in her book that she has resorted to comparing the sisters to each other (out loud), with her remarks favoring Sophia. I would love to hear Lulu’s response, instead, as she seems to be the one most traumatized by this method of parenting.</p>
<p>All this attitude serves to do is make parenting easy, you don’t even have to think about it. It’s easy until your kids grow up and point out that the choices you made for them weren’t what they needed.</p>
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<p>That your daughter could say this to you speaks well of you as a parent. She is able to question your approach and she feels safe enough with you to be honest.</p>
<p>Amy Chua’s daughter isn’t yet able to question what her mother did to her.</p>
<p>I don’t know why, but laughing at jokes, eating hamburgers with fried rice and arguing over downloading a movie doesn’t cancel out all the bad stuff for me.</p>
<p>Poetgirl…Do you really think CC is representitive of most American families from all parts of the United States? I doubt it or we would not even be discussing this book. Most parents on CC are more involved in their kids education than most. Heck I read the posts, and there is alot of parent involvement in their childrens education. I just don’t think this forum speaks for all parents everywhere.</p>
<p>I find the “average” as in “norm” for the parents on this board to be one of high intelligence and engagement with education, as a general value. How we approach this is extremely variable, imho.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is a “typical” parenting style on CC. I think that speaks highly of the diversity here, and also flexibility. If you are asking me if I think the typical American parent is engaged with learning and interested in education when their kids are younger, I’d say, yes, barring extreme circumstances, like overwhelming poverty (which might mean a lack of a computer and a lack of time), or whatnot, yes. I think most American parents want what is best for their kids and do what they “believe” will get this for them.</p>
<p>Some parents simply define “what is best” differently than others.</p>