I don’t feel any different about a 19 year old interacting with my younger high school child than I would about an 18 year old. The factor that would cause concern has to do with the character of the person, not their age. If I felt my child was too young to make decisions about being sexual with another person, I would not let them be in that situation. (None of my kids dated until they were clearly ready to make those decisions and assert themselves, so I didn’t have to enforce this, but I was still very careful about who they were alone with, where, etc.)
As far as laws about sexual consent, they are complicated and different in every state. There are criminal laws, civil laws, and different ages of consent depending on what the sexual activity is. In some states, there are lesser penalties if both parties are below the age of consent, or if there are fewer than four years between their ages.
Whether your child is 19 or 18 doesn’t change the fact that they could be in trouble for sexual activity with someone who is below the age of consent for that activity in your state. Even if they are 17 or younger, there could be legal consequences—for one or both parties. I prefer to rely on parenting, modeling, teaching, open communication, supervision, etc. than the ages of the kids involved.
Those people are still “ adults” for a full year while still in high school. The age of consent in America ranges from 16 to 18 depending on the particular state so redshirting still exacerbates issue of that line blurring of where statutory consent lies in a peer group.
I know that in my time classmates would count the days until they could sleep with their partner legally, age 16 where I grew up.
Are you saying that having more 19 year olds as opposed to 18 year olds in high school blurs the line of consent? I don’t think the line is clear to begin with, and figuring out where it is has more to do with the individuals themselves than their exact age. Maybe that extra year of insight, maturity and impulse control gives the red-shirted person more awareness of the necessity for the enthusiastic consent of their partner. Seniors are not dating freshman in my kids high school, so we are talking about a maximum two or three year age gap here.
Also, I’d like to speak up against the characterization of redshirted boys by some in this thread. Do you really think of these boys as hulking, hairy, poor students, who don’t fit in and are potential statutory rapists? If you are lucky enough to have an academically gifted son, with no developmental delays, chronic illnesses, or learning disabilities, I hope you can be grateful rather than judging those of us who are in a different situation and our sons.
It was different in D’s HS. When she was a freshman it was considered a “status symbol” for a freshman girl to date a senior guy (not to D and her friends, but to many others).
I have not heard of any high school students having legal issue by dating another HS student regardless of age.
Were 19 year olds asking your daughter out? Wouldn’t you have had the same concerns about her dating an 17 or 18 year old as you would about a 19 year old?
Allowing children to start Kindergarden one year later, when they are developmentally more ready for a very academic environment, is not what is causing concerns about dating. Those issues already exist.
When I was in college the local nightclubs where often gatecrashed by underage high school students so it was a thing among the college students to be mindful of that when hooking up.
I didn’t mean to unfairly malign redshirted boys just to bring up a common issue for that mid teenage/ young adult age group.
@itsgettingreal21 - It would have been a big issue personally for us if our D had been dating a 19 year old as a HS freshman (and she was 14 1/2 when she started)!
But I hadn’t heard of any legal issues with anyone.
I have to say that this seems unlikely (unless you’re dealing with someone with a predatory mindset). When I was in HS, even kids just 2 grades younger were thought of as too juvenile to deal with (I mean, it’s HS. And to be fair, there is a ton of change/growth year-over-year at that age).
i’ve had a very old kid, and a very young kid in school. It’s all turning out fine; but yes we had a few hiccups.
one being my D - who was 13 in HS; turned 14 late sept. Now, the boys her brother’s age 17/18 at the time would never ever look at a 13 yr old freshman. No interest whatsover, they’d be tormented if they went out with a girl so young. I never worried.
but the issue with the 13 yr old was that she was on the HS dance team, made of girls all older. And the 18 yr old girls were on a completely different level than what she was on. there were some sticky situations at the bonding events/camps/etc that they all did together. She was still sleeping with her teddy bear; and the older senior girls were doing what 18 yr old girls often do. That period of time and particular situation - about 6 months for it to settle down - is why i’d say 51% to holding vs 49% to sending. This was not academic related; she holds her own there.
Folks, there are countries where secondary schools comprise kids from 10 or 11 to 18 or 19 and it’s not a worry. Cross grade relationships still remain rare - IME, they happen in ECs, not in a school context (church, choir, volunteering) where the grade isn’t a barrier.
That didn’t happen at all at the HS I attended back when I went. Even dating across 1 grade level was rare. Dating across 2 grade levels was unheard of.
I suppose it depends a lot on the culture of the HS/local area where the HS is.
My daughter who was 14 as a freshman did hang out with a group that included kids from every grade at the high school, so 13 to 18 (or even 19) because they were all in theater and all liked to go to Disneyland together. It was a problem when she was a 15 year old sophomore and some of the gang had started college locally so were still part of the group, had dorm rooms and no supervision.
More of a problem than I knew.
Her sister, who was 13, was also part of a multi-class group because she was in sports. For her, there was less interaction with senior boys. At their school, freshmen were not allowed to go to the proms even as dates, but could go to homecoming or other ‘minor’ dances.
I think that you underestimate the cunningness of teenagers.
My middle school had this cute hidden area at the back that was park like with grass , flowers and an artificial pond. Kids often skipped class to go there to smoke, drink alcohol or even lose their virginity. No adult had a clue of what went on there.
CTTC: ahh . . i’ve had teens in my house for 12 years straight now, and just see such a difference between young teens and older teens. With dance camps and over night competitions the coach did check bags for alcohol; and outwardly the girls were picture perfect. They were beautiful and glamorous, and my D was so wanted to be like them. It’s just that behind closed doors, or in impromptu group gatherings, the senior girls exposed older outlooks and real-life situations - different than what my 13 yr old was used to being around in jr. high. She wasn’t quite ready for that leap, it wasn’t gradual. On one hand, it was nice that they included her & drove her places; but they also offered her alcohol and pot at one point (not under coach scrutiny).
It all affected her. this was the one time where another year of having brain development/maturity by starting school late would have helped her, I think. And I probably should have used some discernment as well.
Lots of stuff went on when I was in school, too. I was questioning just what exactly what went on in a current times (litigious society) school-sponsored activity which presumably had the coach/sponsor present.