Why?

Parents Forum
1

<p>When I grew up, I was a B student, with some A's and maybe a C here or there. My husband was the same way. Our oldest son who is a senior in high school has been a straight A student ever since elementary school....no b's since the third grade. He literally works his butt off. Our youngest son who is in sixth grade is more like my husband and myself when we were in school. I love the fact our oldest son is such a great student. But, I am wondering lately, what good does it do some students to work their tails off for all straight A's sometimes? So far, he has been offered very little merit money from colleges and now turned down by a few merit scholarships. I am angry inside for watching that child work sooooooooooooooooooooo hard all thru school. What if he gets no merit money? Then, what difference does it really make for a child to push himself soo hard or to just get the B's. </p>

<p>I know I am sounding negative, but I can't stand the thought of him not getting much with how hard he has worked. I am just venting on here as I sure as heck will not vent to him about his as I am SUPER, DUPER PROUD OF HIM and ALWAYS WILL BE. I just hate seeing people work so hard for such a little outcome. This entire senior year, has been nerve wracking for him to keep those A;s up so that he can be validictorian. But, he gets nothing for that from his school.. Anyway, sorry folks...I just love my children soo much and am dreading if he doesn't get money just more for his sake than ours.</p>

2

<p>russpt2000, your A student son is probably getting accepted, without merit money, at the kind of colleges where B students don't stand a chance of admission. </p>

<p>The big merit dollars go to students who stand out in a very significant way from the others in the applicant pool for the particular college. This may be academically, or this may be because of some other accomplishment or talent -- but the bottom line is that the big-merit-money kid is usually making a choice in the end between the college that has offered the aid, and some higher-ranked, higher-prestige college that has not offered similar aid. </p>

<p>So I guess in the end that I'd have to say that your son is not getting money because he chose the wrong schools. If the goal was merit money, then he probably needed to aim for a different type of school and probably lower his own standards as to what was acceptable. </p>

<p>You have a right to be proud of your son, but keep in mind that every high school in every community in the country has a valedictorian - sometimes more than one. So that doesn't mean much to a highly competitive college -- just about all of their applicants are straight A students with impressive credentials.</p>

3

<p>There are a lot more benefits to working hard and doing well besides getting a financial reward. </p>

<ul>
<li><p>He gains a lot of satisfaction and self-confidence by performing better in HS than the majority of the students there.</p></li>
<li><p>He's used to putting in a high level of effort which will help him in college, the workplace, and in life in general afterwards.</p></li>
<li><p>It can position him better for admission to more selective colleges.</p></li>
<li><p>It prepares him for the level of work he's liable to encounter in a rigorous curriculum in college should he choose to pursue one.</p></li>
<li><p>It also puts him in the running for merit scholarships. There's a lot of competition for thses - especially in the more selective colleges but if he's not a top student, he wouldn't be in the running at all. If he chooses to go to lower level colleges than he's positioned for, he's liable to get more merit dollars.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Finally, he should take pride in his accomplishments regardless of any financial reward. He was able to accomplish what most of those around him didn't. This should be satisfaction enough.</p>

4

<p>calmom...yes, I agree and I also wonder why some kids even strive for straight A's with the stress and all when in reality they could probably get accepted into most of the same schools with A's and B's.</p>

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<p>Everyone has a need for recognition.</p>

<p>Some kids satisfy that need by being top students. </p>

<p>There are worse things they could be doing.</p>

<p>As for merit scholarships, the best way to get one, as far as I know, is to apply to a college that 1) is known for giving merit scholarships, and 2) would be thrilled to have your kid because your kid is much more qualified than most of their students. </p>

<p>The problem, of course, is that many students who could obtain merit scholarships from a second-tier college would really rather be at a first-tier college.</p>

6

<p>Russpt, I don't know where your son has applied, but I know that the average GPA at some of the more selective colleges my daughter applied to was 3.8 or above -- so you do need straight A's or nearly that for the most selective colleges.</p>

<p>My d. was not a val and I'm glad she did not drive herself nuts over it. For awhile she thought she was in the running for sal -- and there was some period of anxiety where she got way too stress and basically ended up with some teachers upset at her for obsessing over grades. (She was freaked out over a B in dance which probably was a fair grade, because the dance teacher had a very strict attendance policy, clearly stated in writing, and d. had missed too many classes when she took time off that semester to visit colleges.) </p>

<p>Anyway, some teacher convinced my d. to let go of the idea... so she relaxed .. which was great, because at the last minute the rankings changed when some kids belatedly turned in transcripts of college credit which boosted their rank -- so even the kid that everyone <em>knew</em> would be val because he was so clearly above the others ended up bounced down to 3rd place. </p>

<p>So I do think your son is pushing harder than he needs to -- one B wouldn't kill him -- but my guess is that it has more to do with his personality than on any belief that he needs to do that for college. Some people just put a lot of pressure on themselves.</p>

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<p>I hope your fears turn out to be unfounded russ. On CC, we've had a few parents vent thos e same feelings in late March--only to have some WHOPPER award waltz in the door at their house. I hope your son is the same. Of course, there is always the outside chance that yours is another andison story. I hope not--becuase it was a ton of heartache for andi and her son--but he ended up at MIT so the story finished with a bang.</p>

<p>As an aside, I will note that some kids work so hard for their A's--hours and hours of homework each week--there is no time left over to develop intuitive, natural, compelling ECs. For many kids, there is a trade-off between getting a super LAC type education in high school and developing their unique strengths before college.</p>

<p>Fingers crossed that you will get good news next week!</p>

8

<p>We have a son similar to yours--husband calls this trait work ethic. I remember he had an older (military, ex-nun) 6th grade English teacher who said the same thing. I have watched him work very hard for those A's, stressing at times, sacrificing some social activities. But, alas, I think he just has this trait as my husband calls it and I don't think it is too bad of a trait to have, considering that much of today's society lacks a true work ethic. It is a good trait to have as long as he can keep it balanced. We have encouraged him as he is in college to keep it in check and enjoy college life a bit. And, as the screen name implies, he chose to attend a college where he is not receiving merit aid. P.S.--he is still working hard tho, 17+ hours in an engineering major.</p>

9

<p>The strongest people, and the ones who will eventually come out on top, are probably the ones who keep going when no one is watching. Your son doesn't have to kill himself, but I would be careful not to let any negative feelings influence his outlook on life. </p>

<p>Your son could have done less, and maybe come out in the same place. But he was capable of doing what he did, albeit through concentrated will. He should be proud of fulfilling his potential. It is easy to see no tangible award or recognition directly ahead, and decide to step down in a moment of weakness. At least if you know you did everything you could, you survive with your integrity intact. Your son probably has a reputation for being trustworthy, responsible, and hard-working. Someday these things will pay off. There are many ways to scheme your way to the top or take easier ways out, but these don't pay off in the end.</p>

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<p>russpt2000, two years ago my S1 was in a similar situation: amazing kid, and he received not a penny of merit aid anywhere. Nor did any of the scholarships he applied for pan out for him, despite an amazing resume with 5 years of meaningful community service and sincere recommendations most kids would give their left arm for. Zip. We're paying full freight at MIT and it's the right place for him. (And they don't give merit aid, we knew that going in.)</p>

<p>This year, S2 who is a far less strong or hard-working student but impressive in his own ways (sports, music, art which S1 didn't have) applied to "lower tier" or regional schools and has already been offered $20K/yr merit money by a lesser-known school that will be very happy to have him. </p>

<p>It broke my heart to see S1 get no recognition for his many years of hard work, but he's OK without any reward other than an MIT education. But the merit offer has helped S2 suddenly feel really good about himself for the first time in years, as he tries on the idea of being a top student somewhere for a change.</p>

<p>Our experience agrees with Marian's observations above: the lower-tier school with money to give out is thrilled that S2 may join them, and is offering merit money to encourage him. This strategy wouldn't have worked for S1, but for S2 it's been appropriate.</p>

11

<p>Unfortunately, there are tens of thousands of vals, and sals, and kids who get straight A's and have high SATs. If you are expecting significant merit money from a highly selective college, there may indeed be some disappointments.</p>

12

<p>No reward "other than an MIT education" is a great reward!</p>

13

<p>You have every right to vent - and many of us are nodding our heads in agreement because we too feel much the same way. My D has said many times after a project etc. - "I guess I could have done so much less and still got the A" or she has taken a project and carried it out much further than any of her classmates - she got the A and so did they. But, you know what? Those are her standards - they are high. It's like a work ethic. Those habits will pay off in college and beyond - especially when you're not working for a "grade" in real life - the satisfaction will be much greater and hopefully the rewards will play out.</p>

<p>There is so much competition - but there are also many GREAT college opportunities and choices. Personally, I am one not to think that a top notch well known college is necessary- great, but not necessary. Looking for fit and a financially stable opportunity is your best bet.</p>

<p>Some of the best advice I've been given (especially during this time of year when we're all stressing over choices, acceptances, $$$ and high school issues) is that in one year our seniors will be in a whole different place in their lives. High school will be a distant memory and there will be new challenges and adventures. </p>

<p>Keep on being proud and supportive - today, at the end of the year and the when he starts on that first day where ever it might be next year!</p>

14

<p>I am sooo glad for this board and the support from all of you. I know I have vented before. I was never half the student my son is and that is frustrating to see rejections. We have had some scholarship rejections this week and of course have gotten a little frustrated again. But, I know you are all right in many aspects. 1. My son has a great work ethic and I know he can carry that with him no matter where he goes his entire life. 2. I am still super, duper, duper proud of him and I can almost burst sometimes from how proud I am inside. I think part of this comes from all thru school, people were always telling him and us that he would get so many scholarships for his grades, etc. He is also very involved in community and school activities and people tend to say, "you all will have no worries with paying for your sons' college with all the scholarships he will get". Anyway, so you sorta get that in your head to this point.</p>

<p>I thank you all for your support and comments. I am soo glad I can vent here instead of at home around my son. Thanks......</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
He is also very involved in community and school activities and people tend to say, "you all will have no worries with paying for your sons' college with all the scholarships he will get"

[/quote]
That's just because they are misinformed... unfortunately. My son was a National Merit Finalist, and I ran into the same issue -- everyone just assumed that meant that a lot of money was coming his way. </p>

<p>My observation has been that most private scholarships go to students who have some sort of special qualifier in addition to their high academic performance. For example, there seem to be a lot of scholarships that go to kids with a lot of community service -- since very often these are funded by service organizations, I can see why they place great emphasis on that -- but it pretty much put my daughter out of the running as her EC focus was somewhat difference. (Yes, she did community service, but not enough to impress anyone). There also were a lot of private, merit based scholarships that were reserved for very low-income students-- our family simply didn't meet the criteria. </p>

<p>Do you qualify for need-based aid at your kid's college? The way I see it, my daughter's grades got her into an elite college that meets 100% need for all its students -- so the need-based aid is, in a sense, based on merit.</p>

16

<p>I want to preface this by saying that I am by no means assuming that this is necessarily your child, russ, or anyone's Valedictorian child in particular, but...</p>

<p>Valedictorian status out of context is not as meaningful as people tend to think it is. While I am sure that there are plenty of Valedictorians who are truly passionate intellectuals, in my experience, they have been more focused on the number %/letter grade than the knowledge. Sometimes what a Valedictorian has is a great work ethic--sometimes it is an unhealthy, scavenge-for-every-point-possible obsession. Both of the Valedictorians, and one of the Salutatorians, at my school fit this description to a relatively large degree. (Before I get accused of being jealous, I have this to say: I am not the bitter kid sitting a number 3. I could never, and have no desire to ever be the Valedictorian--believe me, it was not a goal of mine, nor would it be an acheivable goal for me as a person with a highly inconsistent work ethic). These are perfectly nice, intelligent, and certainly very hard-working people--I have absolutely nothing against them as people. But intellectuals, passionate learners? No, not really. </p>

<p>Again, I'm not saying that this is your son's downfall, in particular. But there are a bunch of reasons like this (lackluster personality, overrepresented demograpic status, unexceptional (even if very good) extras)) why a Valedictorian does not get all the acceptances or scholarships that his/her hard work seems to justify. </p>

<p>Plus, as a philosophical point, I often say this, as flippant as it may sound: A lot of people work hard. A lot of people (people on minimum wage, people on less than minimum wage, people who live in places where the concept of minimum wage doesn't exist) work a whole hell of a lot harder than me, or the Valedictorian of my school, or the Valedictorian of any school. They work harder, and they get a lot, lot less in return--they work that hard because they have to work that hard to survive. They don't get recognition, they don't get a special title, and they sure don't get a financial award. I don't say this to be cruel, or to suggest that you cannot have your fair share of venting. But I think that it is important to keep in mind--hard work in not always or even usually rewarded. It's kind of just how life is.</p>

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<p>russ did you ever apply for finaid?</p>

<p>We found some of the schools that are very expensive- $50,000 or so for a year with tuition- room-board, meet 100% of need based aid.</p>

<p>If your income is $84,000, your EFC may jsut be $15,000 and then the rest is in loans/workstudy/grants.</p>

<p>Of course you would have had to fill out not only the FAFSA, but probably even the PROFILE, which is always a lot of fun :0</p>

<p>My D applied to scholarships as well, but it seemed most of the money comes from the colleges.</p>

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<p>I'm glad I read this thread, some great posts in here.
As they say, the journey is the reward.</p>

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<p>D, too, worked harder than I ever did, and the rejections and waitlists were very hard to take. Partly because back in the day, if you did what our kids did, then the scholarships, etc., were there. But the times changed. But peoples' mindsets did't. She was offered merit aid at all the second tier schools where she applied, and not just merit aid, but the top merit aid given. Yet, she ended up at top LAC, where the FA package was even better than the merit aid. Being accepted there, and given the FA package is tantamount to the old way of thinking "scholarship." Do not despair. I know it's hard. We were there, too, and it's OK to feel the way you are. But realize that most of the schools where a kid like your son would apply don't give merit aid, and if they do, it's to some kid that they really need for an EC, a major, etc., since virtually all the kids that are applying there are like our kids. D is extremely happy with her choice, and can't dream of being elsewhere. No thoughts anymore of "what if..." This will be so for your S too, as we have seen time and time again ont his site. Good luck to you both.</p>