Will it get better?

Student Lounge College Life
1

This will be long, but I have no where else to really talk about it…

I’m a sophomore at the University of Michigan right now. I never had trouble talking to people so I have a lot of acquaintances, but most of them are not friends I really click with. Even if they are, they all have their separate go-to “squads”, while I’m pretty much on my own. There are a lot of people here that I’ve trusted or thought was friends with, but they’ve disappointed me somehow or other and made me realize that they never really cared about me like I did for them.

Towards the end of last year, I got really close with these 2 girls from my freshman dorm and since they live near my current dorm, we’ve been hanging out almost every day this year. But recently they’ve been leaving me out of things. I told them how I felt, but one of them started telling our mutual acquaintances about the drama I created, and I tried to patch things up. They’ve started inviting me to dinner again, but I feel as if it’s forced, and things are just not how they used to be. They also keep bringing up things they’ve done together or are planning to do together but aren’t including me in it. I know it sounds petty, and I understand that they aren’t obligated to hang out with me all the time. It’s just that that’s how it used to be last semester, but recently they’re doing things without me and I don’t know why. I hate keeping things inside and like to be honest in relationships, especially if hurt feelings (either mine or theirs) are involved. They know that because I’ve told them that multiple times throughout our friendship. But I realize more and more that they’re the type to avoid talking things out, which makes me feel isolated and misunderstood.

I can’t help missing my friends from high school, who always made me feel like I could be myself, could go to for honest advice or forget about my worries, who I could talk both serious and silly things with, who made me feel like I wasn’t a bad person. They’re all having fun at schools they’ve wanted to be at and have moved on with their new friends. I’m happy for them and wish it could be the same way for me, but I can’t find people like them at Michigan, which is frustrating because there are over 6000 students in my year alone.

As time goes by, the chances of me finding the right people get lower and lower, and I feel so lonely and isolated and unmotivated. I’ve cried multiple times in the past few weeks, and I’m becoming numb and hopeless. I’ve gone to counseling a few times, and it’s not for me.Parties aren’t an option because I don’t drink or smoke. I don’t have the time/money to transfer. Small talk in classes only goes so far. I like the people in a club I joined, but they have their own friends. I try to focus on my academics, which should be my priority, but I’m having trouble focusing on it when I don’t feel happy here. I’m trying to suck it up and move on, but it’s really hard.

I’m not sure what to expect from you guys, but I appreciate anything you may have to say.

2

You’re not alone – lots of people have this struggle. The way I think of it is, as time goes by, the chances of you finding the right people actually get higher and higher, because you’re coming into contact with new people every time you take a new class, join a new club, move into a new room.

To tide you over until you find them, is there anything in your life besides schoolwork that you do for fun? (Not to say schoolwork can’t help, because right now I’m so busy with homework that I don’t have time to feel lonely!) Are you in clubs, plural? Do you volunteer anywhere? Would you consider taking up a low-hour part-time job?

3

I am sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. it is no fun to be lonely. And it does not help that it is winter. February just drags on. It is a bad month but luckily it is relatively short. You sound a bit like you are too into your head right now. That is, you are thinking too much and especially about your friends and your situation. Once that starts it is very hard to get out of it. Stop! The first thing is to realize is that this is probably what is going on. It’s not just about whether or not you have friends. You have a natural analytic ability but you are not helping yourself by using that ability to analyze your friendships right now. So when you start to dissect the situation, remind yourself that you are causing yourself grief. Pat yourself on your back, and tell yourself to think about something else.

Continue to spend time with the friends even if you are unsure they want you there. Stop analyzing what they want. Just be a fun person to be with for a while. That may take some acting because you are naturally drawn to analyzing and you are less inclined to “live the moment”. Make sure also to keep in touch with your high school friends through social media. Don’t buy the idea that they are all happy and surrounded by new friends just because that is how their fb appears. To use a worn out expression “Don’t compare their public facade with your internal reality” or some such. But old friends are the best friends. You are too young to have old friends but one day your high school friends will be old friends. Keep up with them as they have changes and you have changes in your life. So just say hello now and again to your high school friends to keep them connected.

Have you thought to become involved with an activity that helps others? Like tutoring or Big Brother/Sister? There are people out there who could use your help. Sometimes helping others gets people out of their own heads into something that becomes more meaningful to them and to the people they are helping. It could be a life changer for whoever you help but also for you.

Give counseling another try. It is not a quick fix. Look, if things were easy we would not have the kind of violence and strife that we have in society. So maybe you could become a great friend to a kid in need of tutoring. And maybe along the way you will find that you really have more friends than you realized.

4

HI! I’m in high school, and don’t have any experience in homesickness. Sometimes when I’m sad I vent with singing music or doing my favorite hobbies. Maybe you need friends with more things in common- maybe you could consider joining a club for something you really enjoy. Just remember that it gets better and you don’t have to find forever friends in college. All you have to do is get through college and get a decent paying job, you don’t have to worry about working hard to make anyone happy. Remember, you are a beautiful person and will do great things in life. Never give up! :slight_smile:

5

So… I think you have to realize that you are NOT in HS any more, and you aren’t going to run as a pack or “squad” in college. Sometimes your friends will do stuff that doesn’t include you – calling them out on it does create drama, and probably hurt more than it helped. Adults aren’t joined at the hip with their friend groups. Neediness isn’t really something you want to project. Keep working on fostering more than one group of friends if you can.

FYI, I moved into a co-op house near the end of my years at Michigan and made tons of friends there.

6

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Yes yes yes it will get better. You really aren’t alone in this and it’s more common than you realize… Bodangles and lostaccount are both right. You need to distract yourself from the closed loop that plays in your head feeding you messages that you’re being left out, that you aren’t in any group, that your options are limited.

Even if it doesn’t feel fun at first, join a new club. Keep busy. Exercise! It’s really true that the odds of meeting new people get better not worse as you meet more and more people.

You say you like people you’ve met in the club you’ve joined. Take a risk and ask a few of them out for coffee afterwards. Host a tea party and invite them over.

Go back to counseling and give it another try. Maybe there’s a peer counselor or group you can join. I bet it would help you to hear others telling you that they’ve been or are in your position and how they are dealing with it, what made the difference. Keep at it! It will get better.