Will someone grade this essay for me?

<p>I wrote an essay for a Kaplan course practice test, and my instructor gave me a 6/6. I don't think it's that good, but what do you guys think? She said that her only critique was to add more transitions between paragraphs, the lack of which may have gotten me a 5, but I thought I wrote enough transitions. Well, here it is.</p>

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People in those old times had convictions; we moderns have only opinions. And it needs more than a mere opinion to erect a Gothic cathedral. Mark this well, you proud men of action: You are nothing but the unwitting agents of the men of thought who often, in quite self-effacement, mark out most exactly all your doings in advance. </p>

<p>Heinrich Heine, Selected Writings

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<p>Assignment: Is it more important and valuable to acquire knowledge or to take action? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Taking action is a far more important skill than simply acquiring knowledge. As shown by many examples and stories taken from both history and literary works, it is more important to go for something rather wait. </p>

<p>As demonstrated in The Alchemist, by noted writer Paulo Coelho, one should not be afraid of failure when taking action. There is an unnamed Englishman in the novel, who traveled far and wide to seek knowledge regarding the secret behind the alchemy. The narrator of the novel notes that the Englishman brought many books with him, three suitcases full, as a matter of fact. However, as shown later in the story, none of that knowledge was really important. When the Englishman finally finds the man who had succeeded in finding all the secrets behind alchemy, the Englishman realizes what he had been doing wrong: he was seeking too much useless, knowledge instead of taking action.</p>

<p>During the American Civil War, the North had many generals. Among them was one named McClellan. He was a true genius, training the North to be a powerful army. However, he failed to attach the South, always wasting perfect opportunities. For this, many newspapers angrily reported things like, "All's quite along the Potomac," where the Potomac referred to McClellan's army. Even Abraham Lincoln, who was president at that time, proclaimed, "McClellan's got the slows."</p>

<p>In the novel, The Green Book, a family travels to another planet and attempts to grow crops. However, the crops are abnormal. The father refuses to eat it, and would rather conduct more experiments on the food, starving himself. Fortunately, his children take action and eat the crops, proving them perfectly safe to eat and saving the entire family from starvation.</p>

<p>As shown by the Englishman in the The Alchemist, General McClellan in the Civil War, and the family from The Green Book, taking action is, indeed, many times more valuable than acquiring knowledge. If General McClellan had been just a little more bold, the Civil War may not have been so bloody, and less people would have died.</p>

<p>SilverAurora,</p>

<p>I would give this essay a 11 (or 10 if very harsh). The examples are phenomenal and 3 body paragraphs is the way to go. However, one major detractor I saw was the size of each body paragraph. They seem rather small, and are a little undeveloped. You’re 90% of the way there; you need about 2 more sentences on each and this would get a phenomenal score of 12. Another key thing I saw lacking was the vocabulary. You must incorporate SAT vocabulary. If you sprinkle in a few words here and there that boosts the 11 to the 12. Your examples are great, you clearly took a stance and you defended it very well. Some tips: give a shout out to the other side at some point; “While I can see why the englishman wanted knowledge…” or something with your Alchemist example would be a nice spot (btw, a great book). Your vocab and paragraphs will get you the 12.</p>

<p>Quote:</p>

<p>“Taking action is a far more important skill than simply acquiring knowledge. As shown by many examples and stories taken from both history and literary works, it is more important to go for something rather wait.”</p>

<p>Your intro is also a little short, and a little lackluster. Don’t go crazy with nonsense like some people do but something like this would impress the grader:</p>

<p>“Taking action is clearly more important than acurining knowledge. Action has clearly been the key to success in The Alchemist, forming strategies in the American Civil War, and The Green Book.” </p>

<p>While it sounds like a laundry list, this approach might be better than your intro. A simple change like this can really help.</p>

<p>Your Kaplan Grader may be write with transitions. You have awesome transitions in the paragraphs which make them flow. However, put in transitions from each body paragraph to the next. If you can parallel the Narrator (or whoever you were discussing with The Alchemist) to General McClellan, you’re really demonstrate a strong control of knowledge because you’re mixing fact and fiction; if done properly, you really make this essay look great. </p>

<p>So my 3 tips:</p>

<p>1) Longer body paragraphs (you’re so CLOSE!!! Just 2 more sentences tied to your thesis and you’re set!)
2) Longer intro (more “spiced up”)
3) SAT Vocabulary.</p>

<p>Overall, the essay is pretty awesome though. You’re in the right direction and you’re so close! Keep at it, hope I helped and good luck :)!</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

<p>Thank you so much for responding, Aceventura! I didn’t think anyone was going to write to write such a long post! Thank you so much (again) for all the feedback. :D</p>

<p>SilverAurora,</p>

<p>Always happy to help =)! I love the SAT essay section; its the easiest section. I made sure to learn it well because since its always section 1, if you do bad, it’ll haunt you for the rest of the exam :x. But, with prep I got a 12 on my essay ^_^! I give such detailed responses because I would hate when somebody would just give me a number as my grade; it doesn’t help you at all. I knew what response I would want, so I try to give that :D. Keep posting essays and I’ll be glad to give you a critique on them.</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

<p>Did you read the 10 days to 12 thread by AcademicHacker? I think this is a very effective format for SAT writing and you utilized it all the right ways.</p>

<p>Even thought I’m not such a great critique, I wouldn’t give anything less than a 10 :P.</p>