<p>The prompt was "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence."</p>
<p>Here's the link to the essay: College</a> Essay..</p>
<p>Please and thank you (:</p>
<p>Your paper seemed more like you were writing about your friend, and facebook. Also, it just seemed like you were writing an entry into your diary as opposed to a college essay. I would suggest just quickly mentioning your friend, her coming out and how it effected you and helped you grow.</p>
<p>I would suggest talking about yourself more in your essay, but highlighting how your friend has inspired you. Hope this helps.</p>
<p>I’ll be really honest (constructively!), in a nutshell: you have some weak sentence structure and run on sentences.Your style is too casual. You don’t want it to seem as though you’re being forced to write a history paper, but you also need to dispense with colloquialisms like “so that is a start” and some others. The minimum was 250 words, i believe? Try to cut it to 400, as it’s 630 right now. Adcoms don’t want to slog through long essays, so use that. I guess I would say concision is the best policy. They don’t care if you can correctly use the word “ubiquitous” or if your wordplay is fancy. I was accepted to Tufts, and my essays were all 5-10 words under the limit (my common app personal was 375). Last, what Hobo said about YOU is correct. Write about yourself more than your friend. They don’t give two craps about your friend. You are the one applying.</p>
<p>So: Concision, sentence structure, diction. </p>
<p>But understand that these conventions will be useless without solid meaning and personal understanding of your own writing. Once you reallyreallyreally know what you want to say… just say it!</p>
<p>Thank you! I took both of your advice into consideration and came up with this: [College</a> Essay… Revised](<a href=“http://www.scribd.com/doc/45361450]College”>http://www.scribd.com/doc/45361450)</p>
<p>Ok so once again the sentences are a little sloppy. Avoid using words like “came out” and things like that. Also, seriously consider making this more straight to the point. You seem to bat around the subject a lot. Lastly, this still sounds very informal. These papers need to be written with a lot more insight. I would suggest maybe choosing another topic, either that or really step back and take a look at what you wrote. There isn’t necessarily a need to mention facebook. While it is a major part of many lives today, it really holds no relevance to your paper and could benefit without your ramble about it. </p>
<p>Hope this doesn’t sound rude, but best of luck.</p>