<p>Spectrum, you can suggest to your S all the reasons to talk to his coach, but if he still doesn’t want to, I wouldn’t force it. This is really his call and he may want to see what happens next year without addressing the issues of this year. An e-mail may appeal to him more, but maybe not, as the answer could be cryptic and perhaps misinterpreted. </p>
<p>I’d just bounce ideas off of him, be a sounding board if he wants/needs one, and then follow his lead. As a previous poster noted very wisely, how teens navigate these tough issues is a growth experience in itself. We all have to learn how to deal with disappointment. It doesn’t spare anyone, whether in sports or another area of life.</p>
<p>This is a great post and great advice. DO NOT personally get involved. Have your son meet at the end of the season and ask what things he need to work on during the off-season in order to personally improve and be able to help the team and earn more playing time next year.</p>
<p>DO NOT approach the coach now mid-season. That will not go over well from most coaches I know (and I myself coach a sport). Questioning playing time mid-season usually comes across quite poorly. But meeting at the end of the season and putting the focus on what you can do to improve and be better able to contribute next year will always be welcomed</p>
<p>Bottom line, at the varsity level - coaches want to win. They will play the players that they believe give them the best chance to do so. On every team, there are always students who don’t play or get very limited time, That doesn’t mean its a bad experience for them, rather some kids are perfectly happy to practice and get the team experience without the playing time. Kids also can improve significantly from year to year - not only skill wise, but attitude wise, leadership wise, etc. You want your son to make his coach his ally - not his enemy</p>
<p>Spectrum2, so sorry for your son’s situation. Both of my kids have played multiple sports and so we have dealt with all types of coaches. I agree 100% that the conversation with the coach is one that has to be had and your son is the one who should initiate it. Parents should never get involved in matters of playing time. My niece is a varsity softball coach at a large public high school and this is her #1 pet peeve, parents complaining about time. I agree with everyone else that the tone of the conversation doesn’t have to be hostile in any way but one that is had in an effort to seek some valuable input as to the coach’s assessment of your son’s skills. This is probably best done at the end of the season when he is handing in his uniform. I am assuming that this coach does not call each of the kids in and speak with them individually about his thoughts on the past season. Maybe he could just ask to speak with him privately and say that he would like some suggestions on how he could improve his game. I think it is fine to ask the coach what role he sees your son having on the team in the future (eventual starter, bench player etc.) Basketball is tough because only 5 kids play at a time. In baseball and softball it is not unusual to keep a kid on the bench for the sole purpose of being a pinch runner. But honestly, most kids know that is their role. Sounds like your son has no idea how he fits into the team picture. You mentioned that you had no idea why your son is even on the team and that his stature is on the small side. Maybe this coach sees some great potential in your son and wants to keep him involved as a member of the team hoping that the mid high school growth spurt will kick in. Basketball is a sport where height and speed are huge advantages and maybe your son is just not as tall and fast as he is going to be and the coach doesn’t want him to walk away from the sport. But he will never know if he doesn’t ask. I think coaches have alot of respect for the kids that hang in there and then seek some kind of guidance when the season is less than perfect. Does your son’s high school have a specific policy about how to deal with this? At our high school they make a point of addressing the “playing time” issue when we have our seasonal meet the coaches night. Our policy is that the athlete is to speak first with the coach. If there are still some issues that need clarification then the athlete and the athletic director meet with the coach. The last resort is a meeting with those three plus the parents. It almost never comes to that. Check and see if your school has any policies in place. Good luck to your son.</p>
<p>if this is public school, will they even have a jv squad next year? some schools might have to make cuts and eliminate squads, keeping only their varsity teams.</p>
<p>I’m not a very sportster mom even though I’m raising three boys, but I am wondering why no one advocated that the OP’s son simply asked “why did I not get more playing time this season. What can I do between now and next season to get more playing time next year.” If playing time is the root problem, then why dance around the question? I don’t think e-mail is at all going to be “perceived” well by a coach. This is going to sound rough but I can’t think of more less sensitive words, but sometimes people “hide” behind e-mail because they are afraid and the person receiving the e-mail thinks the emailer cowardly…probably not the best political position to take with an athletic sport coach. Coaches tend to be pretty direct, I think it would be a mistake for the OPs son not to be direct. Am I wrong? Also, my oldest played a sport that he liked but really didn’t have a great deal of fire about. He loved the team and loved practicing and really didn’t care a whit about playing time. He still plays this as an intramural in college. They gave him a letter for the sport when he was a senior more because he stuck it four years than for match time, but he wasn’t unhappy and it does sound like the OP’s son is unhappy. But my gut says to be direct about the question and not dance around in some vague way.</p>
<p>I don’t think you address the question at hand via email. I think you ask for a meeting via email. I know quite a few coaches who don’t do well at all when kid try to talk to them during practice and then after practice they’re making notes, whatever and so that doesn’t always make for a good time for an impromptu meeting. THe email I suggest the kid send is to merely nail down a time after practice. No one appreciates being blind-sided.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to your son. My daughter is in a very similar situation, although she’s a senior. She has played basketball for all four years - freshman and sophomore on JV and junior and senior on varsity. On JV, she played in every game - and ended up starting at the end of her sophomore year - she even received an award. Then, when she moved up to varsity - also the first year of a new varsity coach - everything changed. Last year, I think she played two minutes the entire season. She was devastated. After much soul searching, she decided to talk to the coach. She asked her the same question you are proposing, “What can I do differently/better so that I can play?” Her coach said, “Nothing. There are just too many girls who play your position.”</p>
<p>My husband coaches/plays basketball and he thinks this coach has the girls in all the wrong positions, and she moves them around in a seemingly random way, so the answer didn’t make sense. It was clear that she was putting my daughter off. This year, she played for the last two minutes during one game - she got four rebounds in two minutes. The coach said, “Great job” and she hasn’t played since. The team has only won 3 or 4 games all year - most of the losses are blowouts - 30 point differences. </p>
<p>At this point it seems evident that the coach doesn’t like my daughter’s playing style or body type (she’s thin). She seems to like the bigger, more muscular girls, even if they are less skilled - she makes comments in practice about how “dainty” my daughter is. In essence, this is the problem - she picks players by “type” or build and that’s it. So, my daughter sits the bench, is completely demoralized as the only senior who does not play. And of course, the players who have game time will only get better, while my doesn’t have the opportunity to improve.</p>
<p>I agree with My3Tuitions, some coaches are incompetent, have a narrow self-serving focus, and can generally be moronic. I hope your son has a turn-around, if he does make varsity and has a new coach, he should have a new opportunity to prove himself. Good luck.</p>
<p>^^I can agree that sometimes it is the coach. My oldest went out for swimming years ago He had been competitively swimming for a number of years and was an endurance swimmer not a sprinter. The coach had him swim 50 free freshman year. I was flabbergasted. S asked to be put in the long distance events, coach said no. Son dropped the team after sophomore year tired of being the 3rd string 50 free guy. As a parent, I’ve often felt badly about the sequence of events, but these kind of things happen in schools, in business, etc. Kids can push the issue with a coach and maybe some coaches are looking for that fire, but if the kids don’t want to, then we as parents have to respect that. Just as we as adults do in business. We can push alittle at a job if we think we deserve a raise, promotion or job transfer, but if we see no outcome we tend to look for a different job and put the company behind us.</p>
Neither you nor your S can control physical variables. Focus on what is within your control: Have your son talk to the coach & ask how he can improve his skills. If he has heart & spirit for the game, talking to the coach by HIMSELF will make the coach take notice. I agree with Catdaddy(#36): You as a parent should stay out of this conversation unless the coach is completely incompetent. Your S needs to learn how to advocate for himself, beginning in HS. It is a life skill.</p>
<p>Btw, my S2 grew a lot over the summer between sophomore & junior year, and again between junior & senior year. Hold onto your refrigerator!</p>
<p>How is your son’s team doing? Are they winning or losing most of their games? If they are winning then maybe the coach feels he has the best kids in the game. Results speak for themselves although honestly at a JV level, the program should really be developmental. Once you reach the Varsity level, I think it is understood that it is really about winning, unfortunately. Does the school have any policies regarding playing time for sub varsity sports? Some sub v programs mandate that all kids play although our hs does not have such a policy. Sub varsity programs, while they are feeder programs for varsity, are also designed to weed kids out. I am sure that your son would like to know if he factors into the program’s future in any way and the best way to do that is to ask. Should he ask the coach what he can do to play in the future and if the coach replies with the response of “nothing” as mentioned in post #47, then I think you have your answer. The coach just doesn’t have the stones to have a meaningful conversation and his response of “nothing” speaks volumes.</p>
<p>OK. I posted my thoughts to the OP on the thread earlier but I had to respond to the above.</p>
<p>Yes, there are some bad coaches, just like there are incompetent people in every walk of life. If you son or daughter has to deal with a poor coach, my sympathies. HOWEVER, if I had a dollar for every parent who thought their darling Johnny or Suzy deserved more playing time, or who thought they knew what was better for the team, I would have enough to put a substential dent in the national debt. All parents have a natural bias toward their child and as a result, most think their kid deserves more playing time, are god’s gift to the sport, can do no wrong, etc, etc. Sorry, but everyone’s kid who plays sports is not that good and not deserving of varsity playing time. Furthermore, parents do not attend practice, they don’t see how every player works in practice, commits to the team philosophy, etc, etc. </p>
<p>As I said on my earlier post offering advice to the OP - the bottom line is coaches at the varsity level want to win, and they will play the combination of players that they believe gives them the best opportunity to do so. They doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes, they do. But the vast majority of coaches are a lot more objective than parents when it comes to their team and playing time.</p>
<p>Thank you all. It seems no one thinks parent intervention is a good idea unless maybe if the discussion with S does not provide satisfaction. What if S is burying his head in the sand and hoping for the best. Should parents allow him to pass up opportunities and continue to do this? </p>
<p>Momof three: At this point I really want him to have an idea of where he stands so, to use the work analogy, I want him to know that he needs to look for another job before he is without one. My wanting to intervene has everything to do with finding this out. But as much as I would love to speak with the coach, and I do mean that in a completely cordial way, I am committed to staying out of it if my S will handle it for himself. I would also stay out of it if he just decided to quit on his own without discussion. I am having a hard time finding the balance between parental responsibility and my son’s independence. If it were just a matter of him possibly being unhappy next year because of his choices I could allow him to call the shots. It is in the situation where I see him passing up great opportunities to grow and develop leadership that he would love because he is chasing a dream that he has no indication will materialize is where I am feeling like I have to draw the line. Is that wrong?</p>
<p>Gourmetmom: It does sound like a similar problem. I’m sorry about your daughter’ situation,thanks for sharing.</p>
<p>Modadunn: I understood that e-mailing was about setting up a meeting and not discussion. I don’t think my son could have an e mail discussion unless he was using text chat. He still would probably not have the patience for it.</p>
<p>Momofthree: Interesting question. I was avoiding talking about time because the coaches specifically said that this was something they didn’t want to discuss at least during the season. </p>
<p>Condor: It is a public but I haven’t heard anything about JV or freshman teams being dropped. It would really surprise me if that was where the choice was made to cut the budget in our area.</p>
<p>Irishmary: We really don’t have a policy. It is clear that the coachs would prefer to speak with the kids. They are willing to talk to parents but they have a long list of items including playing time that they don’t want to discuss with parents.</p>
<p>Berryberry: Interesting, it seems like you are one of the few who advocates no discussion by my son until the end of the season. Do I have that right? If so why? This seems to be what my son is more comfortable with be it may just be that he is procrastinating. As much as the coaches are playing to win it seems my S is invisible to him. S has always been a strong shooter, yet even when the team was doing poorly and missing shot after shot he was the only kid left on the bench for the whole game. It became clear to me at that point that the coach didn’t have my son on his radar at all. Do coaches sometimes just forget about a player? Can you think of any reason to have a kid on the team under this circumstance?</p>
<p>OP, to answer the question above, yes, I’m afraid that if ds can’t muster the will to advocate for himself, then you just let him miss this opportunity. I’d do that after I make clear to my ds how I see the situation, but then I’d tell him the ball is in his court.</p>
<p>berry, I wish I had the same opinion about all coaches you do. But I’ve seen coaches who don’t give a rat’s ass about winning. The team was foisted on them because no other asst. football coach wanted to do it, and they wanted the stipend. I’ve seen coaches threatened by team leaders, who ran crappy practices, who were so disorganized – didn’t get a team bus for the away game, etc – that it seriously affected the team. Of course, I’ve also seen wonderful, wonderful coaches (ds2 has one now) who are aboveboard, fair, organized. I just think your percentage of good vs. bad might be different from mine.</p>
<p>Condor: you’re right. Freshman teams are on the chopping block in the proposed FY2010 budget for our school district. Also proposed (sorry to go off topic): “pay for play” fees of $100/athlete/season. Hence, a 3-season athlete would be charged $300. Parents are organizing to fight the budget. It would make me crazy to pay such fees only to watch my child ride the bench.</p>
<p>spectrum2 - actually I thought there were several others who also suggested having your son meet at the end of the season. The reason i feel that way is twofold. First, its a natural in framing the discussion about “Coach - what do I need to work on over the summer to improve next year and be able to contribute more and earn more playing time”, Second, bringing up playing time issues mid-season is tricky. A lot of coaches will look at it as the player is self centered and not focused on the team but rather themselves. </p>
<p>Do coaches sometimes forget about a player. Yes, unfortunately this can happen. A coach may form an opinion of someone early on and relegate that player to a limited role. Unfortunately I probably have done that myself once or twice. We all make judgements on someone’s ability to help the team and contribute and alas, we always don’t get them right. What can a player do if that happens - just continue to work hard in practice and wait for his opportunity in a game. In fact, the harder the player works at practice, the more he may open up the coaches eyes. Coaches do notice what happens in practice.</p>
<p>Fianlly - Can you think of any reason to have a kid on the team under this circumstance? Yes - absolutely. Some students just enjoy being part of the team and everything that goes with it - even if they rarely play. The independent school I work for now is tremendously successful athletically - and yet we have a no-cut policy on our teams. Every year we have players who get minimal playing time (except in blow-outs) yet they work hard and enjoy the team camradarie. It depends on the student of course but there is a lot to be gained out of team sports even for someone who rides the bench all year.</p>
<p>OP-- If your son can’t or won’t talk to the coach, then he will have to sit it out until he is ready to talk to the coach. It honestly won’t help him for you to talk to the coach unless you want to bring your shoes and shorts.</p>
<p>It’s a frustrating set of circumstances, and it is tough to watch our kids in situations like that, to be sure, but we all end up 'there" with something eventually. Some kids don’t sit it out in athletics but do sit it out other places…Life will not open every single solitary door for every kid, and every kid will meet with certain slowly shutting doors as they get older.</p>
<p>as in “OH, I guess i’m not going to be a brain surgeon/'astronaut/rockstar/heisman trophy winning nobel prize winning playwright after all.” </p>
<p>Good luck. what i really hope is that your son speak to the coach asap and gets some positive feedback and has the experience of taking the recommended actions and getting the playing time he wants. The learning that can come out of something like that just transcends so many areas of life. I’ve seen it with my own kid. all the best.</p>
<p>OP, I would advise your son to talk to the coach. Maybe say something like “I would like to play a bigger role on our team, do you have any suggestions for me?” Also let your son know this might be out of his control. So many times I have seen players overlooked for no obvious reason(not by great coaches). I think you should offer your opinion once and then don’t bring it up unless he does. I would also not attend the games and focus on more positive things. </p>
<p>Berry, If I had a dollar for every parent whose kid was getting all the playing time and feels they deserve it because their kid is God’s gift etc (and we all just love to come and watch them play the whole game) I would be richer than you. LOL</p>
<p>To be fair, I did say there are bad coaches, just like there are incompetent people in every walk of life. Maybe I have been fortunate in who I have been able to interact with. I guess I would also differentiate between varisty and non-varsity coaches. I do agree, you will find a greater mixed bag at the non-varsity level as compared to the varsity level</p>
<p>A good coach–or even an average one-- would talk to every player about their prognosis for next year and how to improve. Nonetheless, lots of bad coaches are out there. Your son should speak to him, hard as it is, because the coach may punish him if you do it, or say–truthfully or otherwise–that he has spoken with your son. And it is a good learning experience.</p>
<p>There is an interesting split between the expectation that an HS teacher welcome questions from the parents of over 100 kids they teach vs. a basketball coach being permitted to resent hearing from any of 12 kids’ parents.</p>
<p>You should look at who is playing ahead of your son. If they are stars his age, it is unlikely he will ever play much and you can factor that in. It also depends on whether he would really enjoy anything else–the school paper, etc–or if it is hurting his grades or self-esteem.</p>
<p>At most schools, there are many fine coaches–and a few well-known jerks, who parents fear complaining about because they think it will make things worse, or thye have younger kids. And when their kids graduate, they do not care any more. Think about what this coach is teaching your son, good and bad.
Good luck.</p>