<p>Well, those examples are iffy because my BF has NOT been diagnosed with ADHD. I just suspect he might have it. He really, really wanted to get the pants and call the mortgage lenders-- he loves his job and was leaving for work fuming every day about not being able to wear any of his shirts that go with his old gray pants. But, for one reason or another, he never seems to keep it together enough to do whatever it is he needs to do unless it’s directly related to work responsibilities. And he has a complete fit if anybody tries to help him with anything, ever. He purposefully moved across the state from his family and never even calls them without prodding and gets upset when I try to do things for him. I really don’t know for sure why he is the way he is, I am just musing. Parts of it seem like ADD, parts don’t… he seems so upset with himself when it happens though that I have a hard time believing he’s just being careless. That just isn’t how he is. He is a meticulous perfectionist who deeply believes, whether I agree with him or not, that it is his job to take care of me-- and he gets upset with himself when things don’t live up to that expectation. He would never fake being upset to get me to do something for him.</p>
<p>In my case, someone that IS actually diagnosed, it is not just things I don’t want to do. I have missed out on things I very much wanted to do because of these problems. Nobody WANTS to feel like a complete failure who can’t even handle basic life obligations. How do you look at yourself and the mirror knowing that you can’t handle going to an appointment or doing your laundry without some sort of a calamity and NOT feel COMPLETELY mentally incompetent? These kids wouldn’t have such severe depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues if it was just about getting somebody else to do the work.</p>
<p>Missypie, I loved your post. Your analogies for ADHD symptoms are spot on for how mine is.</p>
<p>I was a special ed major back in the dark ages when some disabilities hadn’t even been identifed and others had different names. I remember that the self contained classrooms for the “learning disabled” were supposed to be stark, without clutter or things on the wall to distract the students. I think that such an environment would be helpful to many, but alas, doesn’t exist in the real world.</p>
<p>We used to have Son take his ADD meds right before school started. I remember Son coming home from his first period Algebra class and saying it was hard to pay attention because the posters on the wall were like movies and he couldn’t stop watching them. We had him take his meds a half hour earlier every day and that helped.</p>
<p>College is so hard, that is just a fact. I can understand how anyone would get stressed out with a full load of classes. It is simply a huge amount of organizing that you have to be capable of. Becoming organized is not something that comes to everyone naturally. It is something that you have to learn and have to practice.</p>
<p>Anyone that is having a hard time, as the son in the original post, might should simply go to school part time. There is no set rule that you have to go full time and get it all finish according to a schedule. Well, OK, there might be a schedule in many cases where you have to stick to a certain number of credits and such to keep your aid or scholarship.</p>
<p>The point is that it is really not that big of a deal that someone takes some time off here and there from school. It isn’t a problem if someone takes just one or two classes per semester. Going to school part time and working part time can make life much more balanced out and things easier to handle.</p>
<p>I see what seahorse means, the difficulty is of course that you sometimes can’t tell the difference. The “classic” ADHD child is very different from the “classic” ADHD adult, and I put it in parenthesis simply because it is so hard to generalize. Anyway, if I had a nickel for every person in the past 3 years of my son’s life who told me “He’ll learn, you have to let him fail” and “he’s just young” or “you’re enabling this” or “it’s your fault for helping” I’d be a billionaire. </p>
<p>Truth is, for him, failing has only made it worse. He lived for 16 months trying to do it all on his own, afraid to ask for help, afraid to tell us the truth because he couldn’t fathom why everyone else made it look so easy and for him it is so hard. I cannot conceive the toll that takes on a person. Imagine you are a beautiful, talented, valuable bird. And as the other birds join together and lift off, you find that you are stuck. You flap harder. You run. You look for examples. You try. You fail. You fail again. And again. And again.</p>
<p>Because you are a bird. A penguin. Who is not meant to fly the same way other birds do, and no matter how much the world judges him and yells “Fly, dammit, you’re a bird”, it’s not gonna happen. As for meds, pills are not skills. You cannot imagine how hard it is to live in this world without the organizational skills and retention abilities average adults have. I can’t. But I see that my son is smart, talented, and personable, but his ability to learn is locked up inside a safe he doesn’t yet have a key to. If meds are part of that key, you can be sure we’re going to give it a try.</p>
<p>Hyper focusing can also be a symptom of asperser’s syndrome. One difference between someone who doesn’t have ADD and someone who does is someone without it may become distracted with something they are not very interested in, whereas someone with ADD can be distracted even when they are very interested and want to pay attention. I cannot even imagine what that must be like. What a lack of control. Although, my mind often wondered in school when I was not very interested in a subject. I was able to regain attention if I wanted to. I can always focus when I want to. I do not have ADD.</p>
<p>When I take my meds, it really feels like a dense fog is clearing and a huge weight is lifted off my back. You can really feel those symptoms.</p>
<p>Now, when I take my meds, if I want to screw around and be lazy, I will. But if I want to work, I can if I make myself. I can’t otherwise, the harder I push the thicker the fog feels.</p>
<p>OP here, a year later. It’s been a really good day, today…</p>
<p>S2 has begun what can be his last semester of college. Of course, things happen, but we’re concentrating on today :)</p>
<p>He’s been steadfast with his meds, steady in his progress, forgiving of his mistakes, and constant in sticking with things as best he can. He’s developed an odd, but works-for-him system of scheduling his week. His employer wants to hire him full-time once he graduates, or at least have first dibs. His gpa “after” the crash is 1.3points higher than before (yes, just imagine how low it was.) He exercise fairly regularly (golf! yay for golf!)</p>
<p>He traveled for work and kept up with his classes. He led a group project that was commended by the professor. He went to a support group for newly dx ADHD students – went to every session – and I think that was really important in that it validated his symtoms AND made him feel less alone. He decided to stay here at home because he didn’t trust himself to “finish well” without us as a backstop. He’s still got issues (sorting via piles on the floor is not a system I’d like to embrace) but on balance they are not overwhelming him. He still is a terrible procrastinator, so there’s lots of room to improve on the self-awareness, but holy cow, I didn’t believe he could get Here. So I’m gonna hold my breath for 11 weeks! I am so very proud of him.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update, Greenbutton. I’m glad to hear that things are going so well. I’m sure that your support had a lot to do with your son’s turnaround.</p>
<p>Greenbutton, thanks for the update. I hope also that whether it was through CC or real life, you realized and got comfort from the fact that you were not alone in your struggle. </p>
<p>I think it’s really easy on CC to think that everyone’s lives are magical and their kids are always perfect with perfect grades and hobbies and social lives and job offers and so on, and you know something? Behind the curtains, everyone has stuff to deal with – just different stuff on different days for different people. I’m happy for you and your son, and continued best of wishes.</p>
<p>Greenbutton, you don’t know how much I needed to hear your son’s story and the progress he has made. Hope is he is proud of himself and has found confidence to forge a good future.</p>
<p>Greenbutton – Thanks for sharing such happy news. It sounds like your whole family has come a long ways since that first post, and the added good news that his employer wants first dibs on talking with him is great.</p>
<p>CountingDown, I hear you, I really do. And certainly we are not out of the woods completely. We developed a weekly check-in appointment where I would look to see how his assignments were going, guide him in reading the assessments and making changes based on that, give him pep talks for what was going right…the sorts of stuff that I am better at now, and allows me to give him enough ownership that he feels like he’s earned his good grades but not so much that it threatens the outcome. I think before I was so scared that it only made things harder. (well, d’uh, I know)</p>
<p>Good thing his employer loves him – it’s gonna be an ugly transcript, but I know there’s a place for him in the world. And I think he begins to see that, too. The two pivotal keys were really, really excellent online courses and only taking 2 or 3 classes at a time.</p>
<p>Only read your entire thread today. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your struggles and triumphs have helped me and many others, I’m sure. We had a rough winter, first with D2 and then D1. D2 is now doing quite well after a sudden episode of crippling anxiety and panic attacks, causing her to miss weeks of school and risk losing AP and college level classes. Luckily, counseling has helped her get back on track, but there were weeks of not knowing what was support, what was enabling, when to push, and when to back off. D1 is now struggling in her 4th year of college with what her counselor says is PTSD after an experience which she doesn’t want to elaborate on with me. She is struggling to focus and get through class, after being on dean’s list almost every other quarter. We’re just trying to find a way for her to finish her degree in one more semester,if she can manage to register for another semester. While we aren’t dealing with ADD, I know how hard it is to feel your child’s pain and try all you can to help, even when they resist. Keep on loving them, supporting them, and doing your best.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing the news, greenbutton! I love hearing success stories. Having a job waiting after graduation is HUGE!!!</p>
<p>I just now read this thread, and I love the bird/penguin metaphor you posted awhile back. Penguins can’t fly but are fantastic swimmers. We need to find and help unlock the particular skills that our otherwise challenged children have. </p>
<p>Great job hanging in there with your wonderful son!</p>