Time to withdraw?

Parents Forum
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<p>Sorry for the long post. My S is a struggling freshman. He was diagnosed with learning disabilities (ADHD, reading disability) in preschool and spent k-12 in supportive learning environments. For high school, he went to a boarding school that had a dual program. He took some LD classes and some regular. We thought boarding school would better prepare him to be on his own in college. He finished with a 3.2 and got a 24 on the ACT. </p>

<p>After visiting many colleges, he enrolled in a small (< 2000 students ) college with a reputation for good learning support. We could have sent him to a place like Curry or Landmark, but after 13 years of a lot of cosseting, he felt ready to move forward, and H and I thought that it was time for him to be in a more challenging educational environment. He's planning to study music. (H is a successful composer who teaches, too, so music doesn't seem wildly impractical to us.) </p>

<p>S and I met with the college learning specialist during orientation, with the understanding that he would see her again once school started for a weekly appointment. </p>

<p>He never saw her. (Organization is his most difficult issue.) Before midterm grades came, he had to drop music theory because he didn't know that the class had two parts he had to attend (1. theory 2. aural skills) and he never went to part 2. Okay, we thought, he made a foolish but honest mistake. </p>

<p>Then midterm grades arrived. He is on his way to failing three courses. H and I said, time to step up. See the learning specialist. Speak with your teachers. This was last Sunday.</p>

<p>I spoke to him today. He's talked to two of the three teachers. One told him he has to withdraw from her course, too, or he'll fail. One teacher is allowing him to hand in late work. The other ???? We don't know because he hasn't contacted her. And he still hasn't seen the learning specialist.</p>

<p>He could withdraw from the semester by Tuesday. We'd lose the money but he wouldn't have a god-awful transcript dogging him. He doesn't want to do this. He says he can fix it, but he has no real plan as to how. (That organization thing again.) I don't think the work is too hard for him - he has a B- test average in Spanish, for instance, but he hasn't submitted his homework assignments. (The Spanish teacher likes him and is being patient.) </p>

<p>H is inclined to believe he can pull things together, but I don't see it happening. Withdraw? Let him fail?</p>

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<p>{{hugs}} I sent you a private message.</p>

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<p>Is he registered with the disabilities office? Does he have accommodations? Are his teachers aware of his ADHD? </p>

<p>I had a child in this situation but it was a small school and she was registered with accommodations requested by a MD with documentation. The teachers gave a little leeway on due dates, mainly, and she did drop a course and a half and ended up on a reduced course load.</p>

<p>I would vote for withdrawal if passing seems impossible, or at least dropping what he can. Chalk it up to an experience that he can learn from.</p>

<p>Or, call Landmark and see what they say. Would he be open to attending there?</p>

<p>My child finished that year but ended up leaving before the second year got rolling. She believes now in fitting her learning style to her life rather than her life to her learning style, so to speak, and has found much better paths to follow than college - for now.</p>

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<p>I am not one for “helicoptoring” in most situation, but I think you and your husband need to step in and call the specialist yourself. It is apparent that he does not have the either 1.) ability or 2.) desire to make that contact himself. It could be for varies reasons, embarrassment, his unrealistic vision that he can handle it or his actual assumption that he can handle it. (which has proven to be false)</p>

<p>If it were my son, I would get in touch with the specialist, let her reach out to the teachers and make the decisions she suggests based on that information.</p>

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<p>compmom, it’s unclear if he’s registered with the disabilities office. I thought that our visit back in June served to register him. We brought all paperwork (testing, IEP, etc.) so I figured that was that. He did make an attempt to get extra time earlier in the semester and cc’d the learning specialist on the email. She replied and seemed to indicate that he is not in fact registered for accommodations. This makes no sense to me, so, as college shopping says, time to put in a call to the woman myself, which I will do tomorrow. I do know that it’s on him to speak to the professors individually about accommodations. Things are made even more complicated because S isn’t much of a communicator; he only calls when threatened with dire consequences if he doesn’t.
I don’t think Landmark is in the budget, though it’s probably a good idea to check it out. I’ve heard mixed reports.
Toledo, thanks so much for the pm. I don’t have enough posts yet to reply (started a new ID so as not to compromise S’s privacy). I’ll work on my postings so I can pm you back.</p>

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<p>Biggest hugs to you. My niece was in similar situation last year for very similar reasons and at a small school with accommodations and very understanding administration. When her parents received dismal news at this time last year, they stepped in, talked with advisor, dean, counselors and made a plan in concert with their daughter. Result was she squeaked by at the end of the semester and was placed on probation. The parents spoke with my niece at length, offered her a semester off, etc, but she was determined to make it so she returned to school on a lighter load and with full support - but my niece had to take advantage of it. She had to seek out the tutoring office, the dean, whomever. And she did not. By the end of the year she was failing out and she withdrew just prior to being “not invited back.” The result - a horrible transcript that may well haunt her. She is not in school this year. Long story, but my gut would be to pull out before too much damage and take time to reassess.</p>

<p>Wishing you the very best.</p>

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<p>How is he doing with the life adjustment? Is he taking care of himself, making friends, keeping up with the daily tasks of life?</p>

<p>Our ADHD daughter adjusted fairly well to school. Joined a sorority, made new friends, volunteered, etc. She really dropped the ball on academics. We thought we did all the right things - tried to find counselors, register with disability services, etc but it was no use.</p>

<p>We let her drop some classes at the last minute to avoid some F grades but she still managed to get on academic probation. We considered withdrawing her but was afraid the embarrassment of being sent home and essentially hiding from her academic problems would be harder on her than facing the consequences at school.</p>

<p>She had one more shaky semester but seems to have finally figured out how to manage her ADHD. I think the natural maturity progression has helped as well. </p>

<p>So, we paid for a few classes that she never got credit for and had more than a few sleepless nights. But I think that allowing her to face her academic issues and figure out how to manage them was actually good for her. </p>

<p>If the academics are his only issue and he seems to be doing well in other areas you might want to reconsider withdrawing.</p>

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<p>Sending lots of hugs! Best of luck contacting the learning specialist. Depending upon what she says, it may be beneficial to copy the Dean of Students. A quick question for you… does your son take any medication to help him focus? If so, is he taking it as ordered?</p>

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<p>Thanks so much to everyone for the support and advice. EC, he does take medication - he says he’s been taking it, but whether or not he’s actually is, I don’t know. We’re supposed to speak with him this evening, so I will ask again.
deega, he is adjusting well (again, as far as I know). He seems to be very happy and is adamantly opposed to coming home. At the very least, he has a lot more facebook friends! (Facebook never interested him very much - he’s not the world’s most social guy - so I feel this is a positive sign). He and his roommate have become good friends. H and I met him on parents weekend. Nice guy - premed and very studious (so a good influence, too, perhaps).
siemom, your niece’s scenario is the thing that really scares me, which is why I’m thinking withdraw. That being said, talking to his various deans and advisers is a great idea. If he’s sinking, I at least want to try to get someone to throw him a rope.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I have a HS senior (boy) with a learning disability and I am worried about the same thing happening to him.</p>

<p>It sounds like you weren’t fully registered with the office for disabilities. As I understand it, most schools need you to fill out some paperwork and document the LD and his IEP or 504 plan in order to grant him accommodations.</p>

<p>Even once they do that, as siemom said about her niece, the kid has to go get the services. I don’t know if my son will do that. I am currently looking at University of Denver which has a fee-based program called Learning Effectiveness Program where your kiddo meets with a specific person once a week for an hour and that person coordinates all his tutors and services. Sort of like an extension of the support he got in high school.</p>

<p>The thing about medication too (my son’s not on it but maybe he should be) is that they need to usually take it with food so if they race to class in the morning, they may forget to take it, then their whole day is off to the wrong foot.</p>

<p>Then there’s my daughter, who is at a Top 20 school and still struggling (an F, some lackluster grades, sleeping through classes). I thought she was doing better so we let her go back this fall but I just saw her and she said she wants to come home. I told her I rented out her room to this nice Mexican family (kidding). </p>

<p>There is no one straight path through this whole college thing. Hang in there.</p>

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<p>Is it practical for you and/or your husband to go to the college to check in with your son and help ensure that options are explored and understood? This is a big decision and it connecting all the dots is complicated. Disabilities services, academic deans, advisors and profs may all be relevant. There may be ways to leave the door open for him to return if he wants to (sometimes requiring a semester of academic success at a local cc or college). It seems like the very challenges that put your son in this position preclude him from resolving it optimally alone. I am not big on parental over-involvement in college issues, though I feel these types of situations can have long-term ramifications and should not be left to chance. Your son may be more accountable for taking the right steps with a bit of guidance and support. Most in his position would be overwhelmed and I feel for all of you. Many of us here have experiences with “non-linear” college journeys and it can all be okay. You just don’t want to look back and say “if only we had known xyz”. Gather info and keep your eye on the prize- you son’s welfare. You will feel better with a plan in place.</p>

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<p>Sending more hugs… I’ve got lots of empathy for your situation. At the time of our crisis, I didn’t know so many kids struggle like your kid and ours. </p>

<p>Yes, do get involved on Monday. Withdrawing may be the best path. (I had my doubts at the time, but it did keep doors open at other schools. Happily our kid did eventually transfer and graduate. There was a rocky road in between, including a year at Walmart. But it did work out in the end.)</p>

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<p>We spoke with S again tonight and came up with a plan for tomorrow. (He was previously defiant but is now cooperative and willing to listen to our advice, so that’s a step in the right direction.) He will make appointments with adviser and learning specialist and will speak with history prof. I will also call adviser and learning specialist to see what his options are - perhaps if they are made aware of the extent of his executive function issues, they’ll run interference with his profs to see if they’ll let him make up work. Travel, going to campus isn’t practical - I teach and can’t get away. (I’d go in a heartbeat.) H is less good at managing things like this. He’d go but might not be effective. If worse comes to worst one of us could go late in the week, but if that’s necessary it will probably mean we’ll be taking him home.
It’s encouraging to hear of students who went through similar issues and came out the other side!</p>

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<p>I forgot to mention that during a crisis in first semester, I did call the dean and let her know what was going on. This was mid-semester as well because my child had her head in the sand, trying to ignore the situation, when she was clearly already failing a class (and therefore not going). The dean contacted an advisor, they helped her withdraw from that class, and also connected her to a counselor. Without that nudge from me, things would have been much worse. I asked my daughter’s permission first and also had included a release from her in the package of documents/testing we had sent before school started. </p>

<p>Some schools won’t talk to you without that release by the way. But you can talk to them.</p>

<p>There were a few times I had to travel to her campus as well, in second semester.</p>

<p>Just want to comment also that “coming out the other side” can mean many things. As it happens, my child did pretty well that first year, despite the crises. Once the school personnel got to know her, they were really helpful and she worked really really hard and won respect despite her learning issues.</p>

<p>But I consider she has “come out the other side” much better by leaving college. Everyone is different, but college is not the only possible path.</p>

<p>New England College, Curry and Dean College may be less expensive than Landmark.</p>

<p>One other thing: we looked into hiring a coach. Coaches are available online. I interviewed one who was tied to Landmark, and the college gave me names as well. It is expensive but perhaps if used in a targeted way…</p>

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<p>From my own limited experience with an ADHD student of my own (dx mid-college, though) and postings here, two hallmarks of many ADHD students’ college experience is evasion and procrastination.</p>

<p>Your son no doubt believes he can pull this off. He no doubt intends to go see those advisors. But the likelihood of him actually following through is not good, as most ADHD students have a sizeable gulf between intention and action. No amount of dire consequences or modelling will change their brain chemistry. Once you ask about it, he is likely to tell you whatever he wishes were true, not as a moral bad choice but as desperate evasion. Maturity and personal motivation are necessary, and until those arrive, guardrails have to be put in. No amount of “let him fail” will actually change his behavior. College is a million times harder than high school, and once they feel overwhelmed, they have a very difficult time regrouping without help, and time. </p>

<p>I would let him drop at least one of the failing classes. I would withdraw him AFTER the semester is over when/if things are not looking favorable. Changing schools will not change your son; his issues travel with him. This is not the time, imho, for scolding or worry about embarassment. It’s time for compassion for someone who is trying something and it’s not going too well. (And you sound like you have plenty of compassion for your son, which is something in his favor, and yours)</p>

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<p>Sometimes I read a forum by professors in the “Chronicles of Higher Education”.
They often need to counsel students to withdraw from a class. Sometimes students think “If I do really good I can make up the points”…but neglect to think that if you didn’t do the work the first 1/3 to 1/2 of the semester, what makes you think that you will be able to do “A”-caliber work the rest of the semester? This magically thinking makes them receive an “F” instead.</p>

<p>Your son probably thinks “I am capable of doing the academic work” and no doubt he is…but he may have a mis-wired executive function that makes it more difficult for him to plan his classes and his day and his life.</p>

<p>Perhaps talking with him and saying that Withdrawing from certain classes might be the way to go but not because you are not academically capable but that you don’t want F’s dragging your GPA down when it is more of an organizational issue you have.<br>
Would it be possible for him to withdraw from one or more classes and then spend his effort on a lesser number of classes so he has the best chance of success?</p>

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<p>Withdraw, bring him home, regroup, and discuss/plan a different course for the future.</p>

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<p>Sosadmom, I sent you a PM</p>

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<p>Thanks so much for all your helpful advice. I spoke with various administrators today, lastly with his adviser, who will try to help him withdraw from the particularly problematic course and get him into a second module phys ed course as a replacement tomorrow. Greenbutton, you’re so right about the gulf between intention and action. It’s a huge problem for him. Bopper, unfortunately he’s already taking a reduced course load as a result of dropping music theory. If he withdraws from any course without replacing it, he’ll be considered a part time student, which may have repercussions on his financial aid.
The dean of academic affairs said withdrawing him from the college at this point in this semester would be quite an extreme step, so it looks like we’re going to try to make the best of the remainder of the semester and reconsider once he’s home for winter break.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry for what you are going through. I could never imagine being in a similar situation.</p>

<p>One thing that might help is each night calling him and helping him make a detailed schedule for the next day. This might help him balance every thing he has to do.</p>