<p>CC was a lifesaver when we were guiding my D through music school admissions. Now I need your help again. Here's my story: Dropped D off at her conservatory on Tuesday, picked up S at FarawayU the following Sunday. So much for empty nest.
S had been suffering from depression/anxiety most of last year. Several days into this, his junior year, everything became too much for him and we withdrew him, fortunately before we lost any money. He is receiving excellent psychiatric care and medication, but we have a ways to go.
Now what? He insists he will return in January. I doubt that. I'm wondering if he should apply to our local U's (all excellent) for next semester, just in case he doesn't go back, or actually DOES go back and has to leave again. He is fine when he is home (more or less) so I am thinking he'd be better off staying local. Of course he cannot be convinced of this.
So Parents, what would you do? I'd hate to send him back to FarawayU, only to go get him again when he realizes it's a mistake, and have then lost TWO semesters. </p>
<p>And, as an aside, what are the Stafford Loan implications? If he stays out a full year, we have to start payback.....not ready for THAT!</p>
<p>i have been on medical leave twice for psychiatric reasons. the second time they all but told me they weren’t letting me back in and i had to transfer.</p>
<p>these bullet points may or may not apply to your kid’s situation. take what you want and leave the rest.</p>
<p>a) don’t force your kid’s hand, it’s an agonizing decision and if you make it for him he will probably blame you for the outcome. i realize you want to protect him. but the choice is really his to make.</p>
<p>b) just because you’re unhappy at a college doesn’t mean the college was the cause of your unhappiness (or at least, it won’t feel like that). in fact, a lot of times it’s because of stuff that could be found at any college. so it’s very possible to be completely in love with a college and still hate life while you’re there. this may be how your kid feels right now, like there was nothing wrong with his school and it would be a shame to leave and go through the transfer process.</p>
<p>c) when i had to leave school it felt like i’d lost a home. i spent all my time obsessing about what i would do when i got back, what friends i’d keep, how i’d prepare for classes etc. it was like i’d left half my soul back in college. and i obsessed so much i really couldn’t live life to the fullest locally. where you go to college is a huge thing for people. if you switch schools you lose your friends and your classes and basically your life. it is not at all easy to leave your world behind.</p>
<p>d) transferring is a pain in the butt. they will ask you “why do you want to transfer?” and then you either have to make something up or tell the truth, and if you tell the truth you have to worry about them not wanting mentally ill people on campus. but maybe those are just the schools i applied to.</p>
<p>e) it sucks to admit that you can’t handle things. one of the annoying things about being mentally ill is the powerlessness. saying “i’m going to go to a local school” is basically saying “i’m going to go to a local school because i’m too weak to handle regular school.” this may or may not be true but either way it is very hard to admit.</p>
<p>He is receiving “excellent care”. What does the psychiatrist say? Honestly, I shudder to think why people would come to anonymous strangers on the internet when they are getting “excellent care”. Except about the Stafford loan.</p>
<p>Let him and the therapist guide the decisions, but have a plan B for local U if he is set on going back but it does not work out right away. As a parent, I agree he may do better at home, given what you have described. But if he loves his school, and if, while he is there, it truly is his home, you have to remain open about it. Your paying the therapist, so that is where you need to direct questions about what they think is best. And do NOT discount separate therapy for yourself. Really. It helps you when the decisions made do not make sense to you. Or when then are not the ones you would have made.</p>
<p>His success may take longer than the typical four years in college. You may be in a hurry to not have him miss precious time. It is hard to let go of what you think is best for him. And looking for support here could thwart the efforts of his therapist.</p>
<p>Make sure to check the Faraway U’s requirements for a student on medical (psychiatric) leave, to return. Some require reapplying for admission, some require 6 months of full-time work, some require proof of academic success elsewhere, etc. Some just require an MD note. Maybe you’ve already done this and there are no hoops, but if you haven’t, check it out so there are no surprises.</p>
<p>Take all the time your son needs to get himself into the shape he wants to be in. College can wait. He doesn’t want to hear that just now because all of his friends are there, but you should hear it. I have friends who didn’t, and have a child home now after four years at known-on-CC-warm-and-loving-LAC with barely two years of academic credits. The child kept believing things would work out, the parents kept hoping things would get better, and the only reason why the child was finally willing to give up and come home was that the college classmates were graduating.</p>
<p>Wishing you strength for the times to come.</p>
<p>A few years ago, we basically had to withdraw our son from college the weekend before finals. It was awful. Fortunately, his teachers made certain allowances: English teacher extended due date for paper, the math professor gave him credit for all his previously tests. (he could have gotten an A, but ended up with a C because no final). The other classes were done already.</p>
<p>What did we learn from this? First: that my son couldn’t handle being too far away. He was homesick and lonely (which is usually true anyway), but being so far away was then an added stress. We had him attend a local state school starting that summer, just to keep him busy. That was a mistake. The school had NO school spirit, as it was a commuter school. Their support services were also non-existent.</p>
<p>What did we do that was right? He finally transferred again, to a small LAC. It was perfect. Not too far away. Competitive environment, not too stressful. He also was able to dorm there, which was important too. I found that those years as a commuter were not helpful for him to grow up. Living close by, but living away at school was the best balance. He was near enough that he could come home when he felt overwhelmed and needed a break, or stay there and hang out with peers.</p>
<p>And yes, he’d occasionally say he missed his friends at FarawayU, but I knew he just missed the independence. I think it also took awhile for the message to sink in that that place wasn’t right for him. He had to get used to the idea that he wasn’t going to return to FarawayU; that it was in his past, but not in his future.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone! I felt that I was the only parent who ever faced this situation. S is not ready to discuss A PLAN, since his plan is to return, but I think I will arrange some non-matric course nearby “just in case”. We have seen a glimmer of hope with a med the psych rx’d, S is now able to eat!</p>
<p>Margecat, so sorry you are dealing with this. I suggest that your son enroll in a class or two at the local university. Often he can do this without applying–it’s called something like “university without walls” or sometimes, continuing education or extension. The courses could be electives he takes just for interest, or something in his field. The credits may or may not transfer, and he may or may not continue at that u or back to Faraway U. That’s not the point. The point is for him to keep his identity as a student, and to see how he does with his new meds. You also need to confirm that you can still cover his medical insurance depending upon his student status. The health care bill won’t kick in until January when it comes to kids staying on parents’ plans. Right now no one needs to decide where or when or if he’ll go back to school full-time. A one year delay really isn’t a big deal, especially if that means he gets insight as to how to deal with his depression/anxiety. He could get a part time job and save up a bit of money, or gain some experience/connections that will serve him well in his career. I wouldn’t rush him back to school for January, but just wait for that decision. Good luck, and I hope you are able to find the right professionals to work with you and your son.</p>
<p>Several years ago, a family I know dealt with this sort of thing. Their D refused to leave school, so mom & dad took turns being with her 24/7 until the term was over (even attended classes with her). It was spring term, so their D had the summer to recover. She had intensive therapy (3X per week) and was on meds. She did go back to the school in the fall, graduated a couple years later, and got a really good job 15 hours from home. Today, she is very happy & well adjusted. I just wanted to share this so that OP can see that the dark clouds will left eventually. Hang in there.</p>