Need some comfort as I help my son through this.....

Parents Forum
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<p>I am new to this site but my sister in law swears its the best resource out there. I apologize from the start its a bit long but there are certain things relavant to my story have to be explained. I have a major dilemma that I am doing my best to work through. My 20 year old son started at Georgetown in fall of 2008, it was a bit of a tough year, on several fronts for him but he survived by the skin of his teeth. Went back for the following year, went into a depression, started to flounder and we got him a medical leave of absence in Dec of 09. Came home attended school locally, clearly wasn't ready and did not do well. He took a few summer courses just this summer did pretty well. All the while, he has started seeing a therapist and has been diagnosed as having social anxiety disorder (mildly) which started when he started drinking heavily/smoking pot mostly while away at college. He is also definitely depressed and she is trying to convince him to start on meds. </p>

<p>We signed him up for local college which starts next week but therapist and son recently decided after much talking and consulting that he does not feel he is ready, but was afraid of letting us down and didn't want to admit it to himself either. I was shocked, hurt, disappointed, devastated, you name it...I was it. I first reacted emotionally and quickly calmed myself and spoke rationally because in his defense he articulated what he had to say quite effectively and it was one of the most mature things he has said in a long time. His story is complex, but also factor is that he spent a few years lying about anything/everything to get what he wanted, was manipulative and this magnified as he slipped into his depression because he felt horrible about himself and had no confidence, and felt he had nothing to lose.</p>

<p>I am just devastated, I feel like I am the one in a state of depression.....all we wanted was for him to go to college, meet great kids, immerse himself in a wonderful campus, take advantage of all that was here for the taking...and here he is leaving college but not dropping out. He did say he positively 100% wants to go back after a semester or two. He does have a good job working with computers which he is good at and enjoys. Please help me get through what I know might come off as selfish to some but because he is not fitting into my neat little package of "son going to college, having the time of his life, and maybe going to grad school" his mother cannot cope.</p>

<p>I just wanted so much more for him than this. I am hurting and yet I know it might not be totally rational. We have just been on such a major rollercoaster ride with him and at the end of the day, maybe I am being hard on myself because i feel like maybe I failed somehow in this though as I have grappled with this situation, I am truly confident we did EVERYTHING within our power and the right way and that is nothing we could have done to change things. I have an older daughter who graduated from college this year and is attending graduate school and a younger child who is a Junior in high school, also very together and well rounded.</p>

<p>What to do now? I have already emailed the college office to let them know the plan, and he has notified his boss at work to see if he can turn his part time job into a full time one which he was thrilled to be able to offer him. It is a done deal and yet I sit here feeling defeated and very sad for his predicament. He has almost no friends (the ones he had were the ones who were not great influences with regard to pot/alcohol and he has little to do with them) so now his opportunity to forge meaningful and positive relationships with other kids HIS AGE is gone, he will be working with 30 and 40 year olds, all of whom he likes a great deal (at work) but lets face it a 20 year old needs to interact with peers his own age. I cant help it but everytime I speak to a friend bringing their kids to college or see or hear of an ad for college bound students it hits me hard because all I wanted was this opportunity for him. He has so much potential, very intelligent, well liked,etc....</p>

<p>Anyone else out there have any experience with a situation like this? I could use any input or advice you might have both to help me work through it, accept it and make the most of it and for him....how else might he be able to develop friendships since he will have that traditional outlet of school, where most socialization takes place? His friends from Georgetown from all over and are back at school and besides me wanting for him to get himself an education I also kow the value of socialization at this age. I also want to make it clear that he is adamant about going back just after a semester or two. Any thoughts? Thank you.......</p>

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<p>Having never been in such a sad situation, I can’t pretend to know how you feel. But I think I can sympathize with your feelings anyway, and I am sorry you are so sad about this. However, it seems that there is a lot of positive inside all of this negative. Namely, he has a good job that he likes and he is seeing a therapist who seems to be helping him. He says he wants to go back to school someday. These are all terrific! Your expectations may be out of line at this point. We all want the best for our children; that’s very understandable. But the reality does not always match the expectations. What you wish for your son does not matter at this point. You must try to support what he wishes for himself. He is on a different path at the moment, but it may not be a bad one. College is not right for everyone, there is no real time table that must be adhered to, and the more people who realize and accept that, the better off they and their parents will be. Maybe try to see it from a different perspective.</p>

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<p>I hope you are feeling better after you have written this post, and you may want to go back to read it from time to time. You have written what your true inner self feel - you feel ripped off that your son is not a happy traditional college student that all of your friends have; you feel you have done all the right thing (especially since he was already taken a semester off to pull himself together), so why isn’t he back to normal yet?</p>

<p>Now that’s all out in the open, it is time for you to be his mother and do the right thing and put your feelings aside. It sounds like he is with a good therapist and he is making a good progress. He is making the tough, mature choice by not returning to college and waste your money. He is taking ownership of his problem. Everything you have written all sounds like he is moving in the right direction. What he needs now is your support, telling him that you are proud of what he has accomplished (he doesn’t need to be at Georgetown for you to be proud of him). I don’ know what your family dynamic was when he was growing up, but maybe he has always felt pressured to do the right thing, and hence the depression (not necessary your fault).</p>

<p>You are lucky that 2 of your other children are very together. There are few parents on this board with similar situation as you - did all the right thing, all kids are great except for one (in a traditional way). I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them will post later on.</p>

<p>Your son is safe, doing everything possible to get better, working at a job, these are all positive things. He is not dead, homeless, or MIA. Come here to vent and get support, but let your son know that you love him and you are proud of him (which I am sure you have done often).</p>

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<p>I noticed multiple threads lately about kids not going to college and “loving it.” My son did not have a great time his freshman year feeling lost on a large campus. However, people say “I bet he loves it” presuming what others think of as the typical college experience. However, it seems from reading this board and talking to friends and other parents, not adjusting well is common. It is not your’s or his fault, it seems typical for a lot of kids and for some reason we have preconcieved notions that things should go a certain way. </p>

<p>I would so no worry about socialization at this point. Learning to work with and interact with people of different ages is so much more important for success than limiting socialization to other 20 year olds. Remember, being with people his own age is what precipitated these events in the first place. I suspect being with more mature people will help him heal. Many of us would be thrilled to have children weather the storm of difficulties as well as your son with a good job, work ethic, social skills, and insight. Congratulation to you and him. It doesn’t make sense that we write only one script for success.</p>

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<p>I can completely understand your feelings at this moment. We too have other children who have all followed the traditional highschool to college path. In fact they all attended very good schools.
Our daughter started at a private LAC three years ago and came home after her first year. She did not flunk out but she was getting into trouble emotionally which was affecting her academic life. Our daughter started therapy and was diagnosed with ADHD and depression. In hindsight we should have recognized both but because she was home and we were here to “help” the ADHD reared its ugly head when she went off to school without the skills needed to succeed with it. This all caused a downward spiral resulting in her depression, which was probably mild all along, but again we did not really see it because there were no specific occurances which would have opened our eyes. </p>

<p>Our daughter came home after that first year and completed her AA degree at a community college and has since transferred to a four year school to compete her degree. We have gone through some very difficult times with her and she left home before the summer even began. We had very little contact with her until we received a call right before school began that she wanted to return home so she could attend school without paying rent. She is home but she needs to be out on her own and we will probably assist with that very soon. </p>

<p>As far as your son is concerned he sounds like he is making some good solid decisions based on what he could do right now. It is not the path you wanted to see him take but it is the path that he is on. Try and support his decision and allow him to feel that you are proud of what he is doing (working). He knew that his social life would be difficult when he came home and that is always a concern for parents when their kids come home. He needs to find his way with your love and support and hopefully he will feel ready to someday earn that college degree. I am so convinced now that our families idea of the right path was only right for three of our kids and our daughter was trying very hard to fit that mold. We never said anything that should have made her feel this way but we could not control the messages that come out when the three others were very high achievers. It is difficult when kids in the same family are so different in terms of abilities or social adjustment. Our daughter has had a difficult time finding her way in a family with three brothers who seemed to have it so much easier. However, our daughter is now 19 and she needs to find her happiness in the way that works for her. Your son needs to do that as well…I know it hurts because it still hurts me and I have had a much longer time to process all of this. Good luck and stay strong and loving.</p>

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<p>As a mom who had a rough time when my older S got into partying and flunked out of college and then foundered for a few years, I empathize with you. I strongly suggest that you get into therapy to help you cope. That’s what helped me a great deal.</p>

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<p>PM’ing you.</p>

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<p>So much of what you’ve shared indicates that your son is coping well. He’s in therapy, he has a job, he wants to return to school eventually, and he’s started communicating with you. This is all good stuff. As the other posters have said, there are many paths to a fulfilling life. Your son’s path is going to be non-traditional, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get there.</p>

<p>It may seem as if everyone else has a happy, high-achieving kid at a great school. That’s not true, but it’s how you pictured his future. So go ahead and be sad about it, vent here and to friends, consider some therapy for yourself. You’re human and it’s completely natural to feel devastated when an important dream doesn’t come true.</p>

<p>You’re right about the need for socialization. Would he think about becoming involved in a volunteer organization? So many worthwhile groups attract young people. I don’t know what your community offers, but Habitat for Humanity and similar groups are always looking for strong young people who can do the heavy lifting. Is a political campaign a possibility? Lots of young people get involved with those. Wishing you and your son luck, and I hope you’ll keep us posted.</p>

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<p>This topic hits home. We struggle with depression on many fronts in my house, yours truly included. For people who do not deal with this issue understanding it might be difficult to see just how it permeates one’s life and takes over.</p>

<p>First, nothing you did knowingly caused your son’s depression. Does depression run in your family? If so, then your son likely had a predisposition to the illness. In addition, depression is not usually triggered by one event. One event might trigger a depressive episode but it’s usually a combination of factors.</p>

<p>You are dong the right things by having your son see doctors and being flexible with his choices and understanding with your reactions to them. It sounds like you might have to do some coping and let go of your hopes and expectations and start to embrace a new hope for his future. He might end up achieving that degree but the path to it might look nothing like what you envisioned. I know so many parents who feel that a new start or going on a new adventure or being on one’s own is just what their child needs to feel better about themselves or to help them mature. And yet, more often the not the opposite happens if the child is struggling with anxiety or depression issues. </p>

<p>Did you have an amazing college experience? If so, it’s quite natural that you would want that for your son. Likewise, if you feel you missed out on it and want your children to have it. However, the whole ‘college experience’ isn’t for everyone. I applaud your son for knowing it’s not something he wants or chooses to handle right now. That doesn’t mean he can’t take online courses or some other type of non-traditional study that will help him achieve his goal and your dream. If he is truly depressed then being close to home and not overwhelmed with college is a good choice for him. As far as him being around his peers, again that is not all it’s cracked up to be. He needs to be with people who make him feel good about himself, who respect who and where he is, and who do not expect him to be “on” all the time. College students and young people his age likely do not fill the bill for your son AT THIS TIME.</p>

<p>From the sounds of your post, your son is doing what feels right for where he is. The challenge for you is to support him and to try to get over your sense of loss at his predicament. If he is picking up on that it’s not going to help him with his confidence and self esteem issues. You have to grieve. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true. You have to allow yourself time to let go and then accept your the idea that his future will look different than you hoped. That doesn’t mean it won’t be less just different. </p>

<p>Your focus needs to change from destination to the journey. Best to you and your son.</p>

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<p>I have two D’s. </p>

<p>My oldest is very traditional: a junior at state flagship, involved on campus, and just following a path that is what every parent envisions. She has changed her major, is doing exactly what she has a passion for, and is flourishing, albeit with the usual stresses of college life.</p>

<p>My youngest is nontraditional in every sense of the word. Her clothes choices have always been nontraditional. Her hair color and cut have always been nontraditional. She was miserable after a year of HS, and transferred to a very nontraditional HS (thanks to God we had one available). She flourished after the change, earning her HS diploma and her AA degree simultaneously at a new model HS where the kids get laptops and the technology is a priority, But there were emotional struggles, adjustment struggles, and teenage struggles. We went to family counseling. While my D is very bright, she does not always apply herself, and has a problem with self esteem. Each semester in HS was a situation where she might continue to flourish or crash and burn. She is now away at state U. This may be the semester she crashes and burns. We will see. </p>

<p>Already D2’s nontraditional ways have created stess in our lives. I am grateful she was our second. I think it would have been harder on her if she was our first. I would have not been as flexible and we would have had far more conflicts. She might have already moved out if she was the oldest. </p>

<p>She will succeed, but it will always be her way, and on her terms. She will always look different, and that is what makes her happy. She is bright, and as long as we help her find her path, the one SHE wants to take, I have no doubt that she will be happy and successful. </p>

<p>Go for therapy/counseling for yourself. It will help. It will help with the guilt, but it is not your fault. It will help with the disappointment, and you will learn to find things to be happy about. It will help you come to grips with the expectations and dreams that YOU have, but that don’t jive with your sons personality, or with his dreams. There is nature and there is nurture. Part of him is his own, and part of him is what influence you and his environment had on him. But despite the fact that he has half your DNA, his brain is hard-wired differently than yours. And he ultimately has to find his way, and his own happiness. And you HAVE to find a way to accept his choices, without being disappointed. You will give up some on your expectations, and you will grieve over them. But then you will be able to let them go.</p>

<p>He has had his struggles, but he is navigating his way around the obstacles. Some of these your are placing in his way, unknowingly. He is who is his, and it is what it is. Therapy helps you to accept him for who he is, and for the path he wants to take. And it is such a relief when he can move on, and you can be happy for him.</p>

<p>He CAN meet kids his own age while he is working, and making plans to return to school on his terms. he can volunteer, look for tutoring opportunities, join a bowling or softball team. He can join a gym. There are lots of young folks out there. Not everyone is away at school.</p>

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<p>I feel your pain and believe with every fiber of my being that it’s real, and all real problems are much more complicated than can be described in a simple paragraph or two. </p>

<p>What I hear in your story is that your Son in maturing in a different way and timeline than you expected and he is having a hard time adjusting to adult life. These are two separate and distinct problems. How great that he has a good therapist, where’s yours? You and you Wife have some adjusting to do in order for you to allow your Son the space he is requiring to accept responsibility for his own life. If you’re open to it, your part of the process it may go a lot quicker and less painful for your whole family with the assistance of a bright and experienced therapist. </p>

<p>As for your Son, he will find his way in his own time but I’m often amazed at how quickly some bright kids mature when they are exposed to a world beyond the comfort that most of us have come to take for granted. Giving of yourself is also a great way to find your strengths. It would be interesting to see what working for several months in Haiti or some other area where he could see people in real need and experience his ability to help would do to his maturity level… But good therapy works too.</p>

<p>As for “college plans”, I know some good plumbers and “heating and air” guys who are happier and make lots more $$$ than 99% of grad students. I also know several people who have been diagnosed as schizophrenic, who’s likely trigger for the disease was a compulsively driven personality in college. So be careful what you wish for… And Take Care…</p>

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<p>I would like to add that a depressed person isn’t likely to appreciate being encouraged to play sports, join clubs, or other activities to meet new people. They just want to make it through the day. The idea of taking on something like that may be overwhelming. </p>

<p>I forgot to ask is he introverted to begin with? If so, perhaps he doesn’t ‘need’ a lot of superficial friends and would rather have a few good ones. Again, perhaps your idea of what friends are might be different than his.</p>

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<p>I agree with Northstartmom’s suggestion that therapy for yourself could be extremely helpful. Therapy can help with exactly what you asked: to help you work through your son’s plan, accept it and make the most of it for him and for you.</p>

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<p>((((cbrooks)))) Dreams die hard, and it’s hard to see our children take a different from the one we think will lead to success. I second the suggestions to get counseling. Sometimes we parents need help in disengaging from our children and realizing that, as the old saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a cat!</p>

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<p>I have not had to deal with this one…but in reading your post my first thought was “northstarmom phone home…” I would go with her advice in a heartbeat as many of us have read her posts and she has been some wonderfully open about her own family’s experience.</p>

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<p>Well, as far as I can see it, your dream isn’t “dead.” I think that’s a harsh word to use in this situation. You wanted him to go to college, make tons of friends, do well? Well, he still has that opportunity. He still has that oppurtunity BECAUSE he and yourself realized that he needed some time to achieve that goal.</p>

<p>By many standards in this harsh economy, your son is very successful (by many standards in any economy!). He has a full time job that he is good at and he enjoys. He’s in therapy and making progress. He wants to go to college.</p>

<p>Things certainly aren’t going in the ORDER you predicted them, in the same time frame you predicted them, but they are, well, “going”. You can still dream big for your son…I do not see any dreams dying yet.</p>

<p>Don’t feel guilty…be glad son got a leave in Dec. '09, and didn’t decide Dec. '11 that he wasn’t ready for college.</p>

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<p>

You did not fail him. You are providing him with all of the support he needs to find in own way of living. There is no one path. I have 2 that have taken alternative paths. One dropped out in his junior year. He is back now finishing his degree, is married and living on his own after working for a few years. The other has a job he likes and where he is doing well, they really like him and his skills and do not care if he has finished college or not. They are training him to advance in the organization. Both had been stellar HS students in gifted classes. They, in do different ways, just weren’t ready for what college was. </p>

<p>For friends, they develop friendships at work who also know other people, keep in touch with old friends, make new ones as they branch out in other activities. Just like anyone who moves away to start a new job. Those college friends might not last after graduation either. Help him get on his feet. If he can move out on his own with this job that also will add to his ability to make friends since it will be easier to have friends over. </p>

<p>The best thing you can do for him now is to believe in him and let him know you are proud of what he IS accomplishing.</p>

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<p>I went through a similar “grieving period” for my son. My husband and I couldn’t have been more proud of him his entire life. He was a beautiful baby, charming toddler, great athlete all through middle school and high school, a great student, and well respected by his teachers and peers. He was accepted to a great university and blossomed even more once he started. So what could I possibly complain about? He came home freshman year and told me he was gay! Mind you, I have no problem with sexual orientation and I strongly believe you are born, not made, gay. That being said, I felt like I hit a brick wall. I was kind of mean to him and stayed in bed for the entire weekend. It felt like my perfect son had died–all my dreams and hopes for him–the nice girlfriend, happy family, etc.–were obliterated. I must admit it was very difficult to let go of the son I thought I had. And yes, I did go to counseling.</p>

<p>In retrospect, I was grieving for a person I had created in my mind. The real son was right in front of me the whole time and was the same great guy he had always been. It was a real turning point when he told me how he had prayed every night for 3 years for God to “make this feeling go away” (he was raised Catholic and an alter boy to boot). I realized that this was HIS life and that he too was struggling what he though it should be vs. what it was. I finally became his mom again and told him how great of a son he had always been and how I loved him unconditionally. His father is also very supportive. We are thankful he didn’t go down the drug/alcohol road as many kids do when they are struggling with their sexual orientation. I still secretly wish he were straight but that is not reality.</p>

<p>It sounds to me that your son had some things he needed to deal with and although he had a rocky start, he is now dealing with them. I know this is hard for you to watch, us mom’s want to make everything better, but this is a problem for him to work out. Let the “dream” fade as that is all that it was. Let your son know that you support him and the decisions he is making. He will need this!</p>

<p>If you’re anything like me, the process of letting go will be long and difficult. 4 years later I have realized that we were really good parents that did the best we could. We gave him a strong foundation in life. Now we must let him go, we have our own life. He has made his way and is successful and happy and this is what we truly wanted for him.</p>

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<p>Mtnmomma,</p>

<p>thank you for this post. I had contemplated a gay child as an example of how parents would have to grieve their ideals of child’s future even though the child is still living. I didn’t want to offend anyone with the example. I think it’s quite powerful coming from a parent who has lived it. I’m quite sure my reaction would be 100% similar to yours given the situation.</p>

<p>Mental illness and homosexuality are but two examples. I can think of dozens of others like a child choosing to enter the military, getting married too soon, drug addiction, having a child too soon, permanently injured in an accident, etc.</p>

<p>The OP needs to realize there are two distinct issues here. Her son’s illness and her ability/inability to cope.</p>

<p>I think the OP also needs to ask herself would she rather he live her dreams and be miserable or find his way, his own way, and possibly end up happy? I think most parents would choose the latter even if it wasn’t what they would have wished for.</p>

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<p>“I was grieving for a person I had created in my mind”</p>

<p>– beautifully put.</p>