Worried about what happens if EA/ED doesn't work out?

Parents Forum
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<p>I have gone through ED deferrals with both my children, and here are my thoughts. Essays are hard to write for many kids, even very facile writers; writing them can be even harder when the task is being squeezed into that unhappy window between deferral and other-school deadlimes. It is probably too late now for the OP's child to do much about that, but it's worth emphasizing yet again that high schools that pressure kids to meet early deadlines for all their apps are really doing them a favor, although it may not seem so at the time. </p>

<p>Those who are set on delaying preparation of their "other" apps should of course keep in mind that all materials needing to be prepared/submitted by the school (recs, supporting material) obviously need to be in to the school office well before Christmas break even if you are not sending in your part of the application until after the early decisions are received. The high school college counseling office is unlikely to be open and active during Christmas break, though it may do a last-day-of-school mailing, and teachers are not going to be revising recommendations over their vacation (and should not be expected to). </p>

<p>My children did end up writing or tweaking their last few essays over Christmas vacation; and in fact a couple of their schools had January 15 or even February 15 deadlines, so the task was not quite as frantic as it might have been, but it wasn't a great experience. And they were lucky in the sense that their school required all school-related app materials to be submitted to the office by early Dec, and strongly encouraged preparation of other applications before results were in, though they agreed that actually sending the apps in could wait. </p>

<p>This has been discussed each year on CC, and the bottom line is that of course not getting in to the EA or ED school is trivial in the greater scheme of things. But it feels awful to the kids at the time, especially if many of their friends and peers have had more positive results and they are among the few in their particular circle having to do the apps over break. Deciding how to handle non-ED applications is a difficult balancing act, and front-loading the tasks as much as possible strikes me as a good way to handle it. (There is going to be some seemingly wasted effort no matter what; for example, my son sent out two applications over Thanksgiving break years ago, to the two schools he liked best other than his ED school. He was admitted to both those school RD and therefore "wasted" time preparing the other five apps in December. Of course it wasn't really wasted time, because there was no way of knowing he would get in to those other two schools, but to the seventeen-year-old mind, it was an arguable point.)</p>

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<p>The rejection from my S's SCEA college arrived 12/10 last year...we had two days of pure misery (he was devastated, and his devastation devastated me)--the bad news arrived on Monday; by Wednesday he had bounced back--I'm not sure I have even yet, but he was his normal self by Thursday of that week...yes, we knew it was one of those "reach-for-everyone" schools--and he knew it even more than I did. It didn't help the pain when it hit, though...</p>

<p>He had done zilch on his other four apps, except for the HS-required rec & transcript requests. Then, on Chrismas Eve, his 18-month GF (as intense a first love as you read about in romance novels!) broke up w/him. Still zilch on college apps.</p>

<p>I'll not soon forget that month. Like just about every parent I'm sure, I'd FAR rather absorb these life blows myself than have to watch my beloved S live through it. </p>

<p>The point? All four RD apps went in on time--tho not even one was even started as of 12/25 (3 were due 1/1 and the other one was due 1/15). All four RD schools accepted him. He's happier than I've ever seen him now, a freshman at Cornell. </p>

<p>Bottom line: yes, all kids are different. But we're talking about kids (by & large) here who are applying ED/SCEA/EA to elite schools. By definition, virtually all of these kids will get their acts together and get their apps in, on time and well done. Quite likely they'll do so at the last minute (does anyone have an S or a D who does ANYTHING prior to the last minute?), and even more likely mom and/or dad will be scurrying to POs for stamps and all night drug stores for envelopes. But if us adults can just plan for that, and remember that our kids DO get things done, even when they're well and thoroughly traumatized, maybe our own trauma levels will subside a mite?</p>

<p>Nah...we're programmed, I think, to obsess about our kids and to want, passionately, what they want for themselves (when it's a good thing like an HYPS admission). If we weren't stressing over deadlines, we'd find something else to stress about. I honestly think it's "the rule"...you just "have to" obsess/stress/freak at this time in their lives...and if you solve issue number 1, then the obsession/stress/freak-out will move quite promptly to issue number 2 (or 3 or 10 or 5000)...</p>

<p>So...it got easier for me once I figured out I was gonna be an emotional wreck during the admissions seasons no matter what (peak was RD notice time). Just no way around it. That in and of itself made the stress more manageable--that and spending lots of time "venting" that stress here on CC...hurray for CC!!</p>

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<p>I can relate to the OP, as well as those whose kids got everything ready to go in advance. Last year, we fell somewhere in between: while waiting to hear from his beloved EA school, my son did complete four other aps: one match, one matchy-reach, one reach, and one safety that he honestly would have been very disappointed with. There were still three more important apps to do, but he had no more motivation left by Dec. 1. At that point, I knew he wouldn't be able to do a good job on the remaining aps, and there was a college math course (distance learning) that also had to be finished by Jan. 1. So, I suggested that he do the math stuff instead, and let those aps go for now. I will never forget the grateful expression on his face for understanding that his tank was empty. He completed the math stuff during the next two weeks with vigor, and luckily, those last three aps never had to be done.</p>

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<p>I've been pouring over CC postings since spring of last year. So I feel as if I knew about all the ED disappointments, etc, etc. My plan was for my D to have all other apps ready to go along with ED. Unfortunately, my D had other plans. She did get her safety and two other apps in addition to the ED (they had scholarship due dates), but I didn't review them. I'm concerned her heart wasn't in them and that may come across to the adcoms (sorry, still using that term). If ED doesn't happen, I'm going to be riding her to get supplements, etc. in along with a couple of more apps.</p>

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<p>Anonymom, I think you have a good grasp of how the EA/ED rejection can negatively influence other applications. Another scenario you may have to face is the purgatory of an ED deferral..... These deflated my son's will so much that we couldn't even talk about college for at least a week. </p>

<p>For your own peace of mind, insist that the recs, SAT and grade reports are taken care of by the first week of December. Create a list of possible colleges and sort it by deadlines. If she will, have her work up some trial essays to the point where they are substantive but not necessarily polished. With all of this complete, it should be relatively easy to pull together an application when the spirit finally moves her.</p>

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<p>My D 4.0+ gpa URM/1520old/2320new/730-770 Subject Tests/great ECs applied SCEA to HYPS and is confident of acceptance. I am anxious. No amount of nagging produces any result for applications to other schools. HYPS are a reach for everyone and D will not consider that she may not receive that wonderful acceptance letter on the 15th /16th. Her app for 2nd choice school due on Dec 15, sits squarely on her desk and she pushes it aside. I feel better reading that kids usually get over the devastation. Naive overconfidence makes for a huge crash. I canceled all plans for this weekend (hers/mine) to do college apps. "I'm from the show me state" and will not take a sigh of relief until she receives an acceptance letter from anywhere.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, my D had other plans. >></p>

<p>Audio, Oh, I hear you on this one, and I'm sure other parents do as well. The best laid plans of mice and parents often get lost as they travel in one ear and out the other of teens. :)</p>

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<p>Hi All. I have luckily been lurking on CC long enough to have learned of Andison's waitlist saga from last year, so....D has all of her apps completed and in the mail and one safety (rolling) admit in her pocket already. My big fear is that she will make it into her dream school and that we just won't be able to afford it. A whole different thread I guess. I will wait a few weeks to start that one:)</p>

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<p>On the other hand, rejection can positively influence other applications. After getting over her EA rejection, D took a careful look at her essays with new eyeballs. She made some changes that made the essays better than before. </p>

<p>Luckily, she knew she would be putting in some RD apps, no matter what the EA results were--so we didn't have to worry about her refusing to do other apps until hearing from her EA school.</p>

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<p>I guess the URM is the deal closer, but I would be anxious, too, sent! Northstarmom tells of URMs that have 1500+ SATs that did not get accepted into HYPS. You really can't bet on getting accepted. . .</p>

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<p>The ever-resourceful Wild Child has worked something out with his GC (actually, the wonderful assistant who he has wisely "courted") where he has submitted all the papers the school needs to send out their packet of recs, transcript, school profile etc. If he gets a bad decision on the 15th he will do his part of the work for the 5 applications online over the break. One reason he is less inclined to work on these apps is that he is a recruited athlete, and supposedly should have a very high chance of admission to his ED school. However, I have told him all the stories, and he knows that nothing is guaranteed. Unless he is fooling me, he seems to have his head in the right place and is still talking to coaches at some really nice schools.</p>

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<p>I have not read the whole thread!!! BUT, one thing to the OP, I would nag enough to find out if there is anything her school requires her to do prior to Xmas break, and be sure those items are completed for each application. At DD's school, all apps had to be in the counselor's office by Dec 1 (actually Nov 28th last year). I'm sure some kids didn't make the deadline, but the 10-15 kids applying to selective schools gotten ridden pretty hard to make this deadline. If your child has done no visible work on those other apps, she will just have to deal with the disappointment (and it will be tough), but you need to be sure she doesn't have any unnecessary complications from her school.</p>

<p>Handling the disappointment - my daughter was fortunate to get into her ED school, but junior year she got passed over for a citywide EC that she had been dreaming about since she was 5 years old. She is not an overly competitive person, but she had been wishing for this and working toward this since she was a child - the problem being that at the end, there is a certain amount of "beauty pageant" arbitrariness to the selection process. She made it to the final cut, but her school got the last application to her late, so she filled it out hurriedly to make the deadline as school's representative - I started having a bad feeling at that point, although everyone else said she was a shoo-in. When she didn't make it it was truly devastating - this is a one shot thing, only for senior girls, and she had been dreaming about it since kinder. - and I was pretty whupped about it, too, because I knew some other kids who did get it, with much lesser accomplishments. She didn't want to go to school the next day, there were 3 girls involved, her, the other nominee and the school's alternate, all friends - she couldn't face them, but she had to. In the end, none of the three were chosen, which was a great scandal in and of itself, this year's senior class has 4 (I think the city organization that runs this got the message). My point is facing her peers may be the hardest part, and some of them will be happy and some will be sad - you just can't make it better for her, you can only be there for her.</p>

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<p>We are on the same page as audiophile. DD still has 2, very important IMO, applications that need to be done by Jan. 2. She won't hear from her ED school until about the 20th. Although they are both common app. schools, the supplements on both require two, non-interchangeable essays! If she dosen't get into her dream school...she will have about 5 stressful days (Post recovery from wisdom teeth extraction-see old thread) to write 4 new essays. I think I am going to need intravenous xanax!</p>

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<p>Another point about the essays, that has been made here before - the essays for the ED school are often the worst, even when the school is the most loved. They really do get better at those essays, even if they start out as good writers. Of course it is better if they are writing those second and third essay in Oct, rather than Dec, but at the same time - all is not lost - these kids often turn out their bes work under pressure.</p>

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<p>I can only offer a few words based on our experience, as I read through the stories of the ants and the grasshoppers.... as much as I had wished for the kind of kids who got all their essays done, had envelopes addressed and ready to go on December 16th, had everything organized onto an Excel sheet with deadlines and dates highlighted in bold... it was not to be. Because spouse and I are super type A's, we were blessed with kids who believe that deadlines are merely "suggestions" and that "only losers" apply to colleges they may not need to attend if choice A pans out.</p>

<p>So- in that vein-- I would suggest that if you've got the kind of kid who has always bounced back from disappointment, who doesn't internalize their failures, who has a pretty sunny grasp of the world, then you'll be ok. You'll get a day or two of moping around, of hand-wringing that they'll never go to to college and probably don't deserve to go anywhere, or general procrastination involving watching "Law and Order" and "Simpsons" re-runs. Then-- they'll kick into high gear, even if it involves driving around town on New Year's eve to find a Fed-Ex collection box that appeared on the Fed-Ex website as having an 11 pm pick-up seems to have disappeared from your city's streets. (Yes, this was me- Kid was navigating as I drove, both of us cursing like sailors.) Somehow, the apps will get done, your kid will be shaken but not stirred by the early rejection, and some of the essays will even be much, much better than the first ED essay. Moreover, your kid will say one day out of the blue, "I had some doubts about school A but it took getting rejected to get me to admit them..." and you'll breathe a sigh of relief that somehow even bad karma turns out OK.</p>

<p>But-- if you've got a kid who tends to internalize; who often broods for long periods of time over the kind of slings and arrows that happen frequently during adolesence, then I would move heaven and earth to get at least the match school applications done now.... right now.... this weekend. I've observed that those are the kids who need a prolonged period of mourning, who aren't as ready to accept the randomness of it all, or-- worst case-- who get an ED deferal and then just can't switch gears out of fantasyland (hey, they didn't reject me) and move into the reality of getting the other 5 or 7 applications into the mail with a quick turnaround. Based on my kids friends experience, these are the kids who have trouble communicating passion for a third choice or fifth choice school, and the ones who inevitably discover in January that the essay they mailed to Franklin and Marshall started out with, " My passion for Tufts began in the 8th grade".</p>

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<p>What a relief to read all these stories! All the these bright motivated students are procrastinators! My S hates doing essays and finds any distraction to avoid them. However, I just saw a note on his desk to himself - better arguments on "just doing it" than I could ever provide! He really loves his SCEA school but understands the odds. I'm sure he'll be disappointed but is also impressed with other possiblities. All along we've stressed the idea that he should not apply to any school that he wouldn't be happy to attend. He ended up with six schools; not many compared to his peers but he has a narrower study interest than most of them. He's been admitted to the state school which is actually nationally renowned for his choice of major (Computer Science), and has already decided not to apply to his other safety school since it's nothing special re his major, even though it's common app and would probably throw money at him from what I've heard. His other four RD schools are all fairly selective - just submitted the app for #3 of the 4 (it had the most essays). He did turn in all the recommendation requests at the same time early in the fall so the (excellent) counseling department at his HS has everything ready to send when he confirms the applications. I'm hoping he can finish up the rest by early next week so his English teacher has time to review any essays he want checked over. Then we can hold off til late in the month on submitting. Maybe it'll help to start chatting about the fine qualities of the rest of the schools. One question, though - there's still one school that hasn't been sent the ACT/SAT scores - should I send them now or wait til he actually does the application?</p>

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<p>Let me add that I realized I had my office holiday party scheduled on early decision day. I figured I better reschedule it. Either way, celebration or disappointment, I wanted to be there with her...</p>

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<p>Cangel's point about the essays often improving from the ED app is well taken. Of course, there was a ripple effect there as well in our case. D spent six weeks paralyzed by a small question as to which way to proceed on something and just stewed instead of bouncing a question off of <em>anyone</em>. Once she finally did, it took a five minute conversation and she was off and running...but the remaining time was shorter than necessary for a process involving letting a draft cool and having several revision cycles.</p>

<p>If I knew then what I know now, I'd spend more time hammering and examining the <em>topic</em> of the EA/ED essays, which is something that English teachers and most other mentors will not be well informed about. D received some very good advice from CC's Sally Rubenstone...but only after her EA app was in. Her non-EA essays were stronger for it, imo, though I initially thought her EA essay was pretty good.</p>

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<p>The essays are really the sticking point, as someone said - you can help with the stamps and driving around looking for the Fedex box (classic!), but only they can write those essays. My DD is a fair writer, but she had zero experience writing something that would be considered a "good" college essay. Reading Bauld's book helped her, but not as much as just sheer practice. TheDad is right - it is the topic, that is so hard and the tone/voice. The specific essays were much easier, we (Mom, Dad and kid) brainstormed different things that we remembered from the visits, and she crafted those memories into something that showed who she was as well as why School X appealed to her. I remember the Amherst essay never got finished, primarily because it was too abstract, too much like writing that darn common app essay!</p>

<p>If they can get those essays written, most of the battle is over - schools that do those essays in English give kids a boost - that is if the English teacher can separate this writing from typical school requirements.</p>

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<p>Marilyn,
I think I would send the SAT's/ACT's to the last school now just for peace of mind (and not having to rush them). Collegeboard is my favorite charity!</p>

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<p>It's something of a relief to discover that we're not alone in this! D actually has three (completely unwritten) essays that need to be postmarked TOMORROW. At breakfast, she cheerfully announced that she knew exactly what she was going to say. But I suspect it's going to be a very long night. Her school does, in fact, require that all of the school and recommendation forms be in by now, and they are. It's just that the student's parts sit virginal and untouched in their shiney brochures. Meanwhile, I find myself second guessing whether we should have cynically but realistically steered her toward using EA/ED at a school with, say, a double digit acceptance rate where it might have made the difference of pushing her over the bar. Even knowing that the specific HYPS school she selected is absolutely the best choice for her, suddenly gaming the system looks like an attractive option.</p>