Worried sick

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum, so I’m really sorry if it sounds weird or anything

I recently got into a college of my choice, and I joined the official facebook group. I’m not really hitting it off very well with anyone. I joined a couple groupme’s as well but everyone else has been a part of the group for so long that they all know each other really well. I feel like an outsider, like I don’t belong.

I’ve always had issues with making friends. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone and most of the time they just leave me because they’re sick of me I guess. The thing is, I end up hating people who like me and liking people who hate me/tolerate me.

I really want things to change in college. I want to become outgoing and more social but I’m really worried that people will have already made friends through the facebook group and I won’t have any friends. Thinking about these things is really distracting me from senior year. I just feel so helpless because I genuinely tried these past two years to change myself and nothing has really changed.

What do I do? Am I overthinking? How can I change???

2

Good job on recognizing that doing some personal work now could help with the transition to college.

A couple of contrary pointers:

  1. the people who have joined the fb group are a sub-set of the students in your new class. My extrovert collegekid was in chat groups long before acceptance; my more introverted collegekid is only barely aware that there was a fb or other chat group- but she found her friends when she got there, in classes that she was interested in and activities that she has always enjoyed, and in her dorm (to no-one’s surprise, on the quiet floor in her dorm…)

  2. chat groups are generally full of very welcoming, outgoing people who are only too anxious to finally be the ones who know the answers- but they need somebody who is asking the questions they know the answer to.

  3. being an outsider =/= not belonging. It’s like 2 person jump rope- the kind where 2 people turn the rope and the third person has to time jumping in. Of course you are an outsider - that is right and normal, b/c you are new to the group, yes? but you belong, b/c you are in the class- so it is up to you to jump in.

  4. a lot of other kids are just as anxious as you, It’s very common for people to stick together with the first people that they meet in the first days and weeks, which can look to ‘outsiders’ like a friend group. Actually it is more like foxhole buddies who are sticking together for safety- anxious, and desperate not to look like it. Many of those ‘friend groups’ will have changed a lot by Thanksgiving, and even more by spring of first year.

So, no, not everybody will magically have made impenetrable groups by day/week/month one of college.

Do some serious investigating as to what counseling services are available to you right now. You have a bunch of things to unpack and sort through, and September will be much happier if you get some help now.

3

Just remember, you’re not going to be the only person feeling that way in the new college. Lots of people will come to a university not knowing a single soul. Just try to join groups you like, and be extra friendly when doing group projects/icebreakers. Going to parties can help too, depending on whether you’re outgoing enough once you’re at them.

4

Before you commit :
See if your college has a quiet floor or a wellness floor in a dorm.
If you enjoy debating ideas in interactive classes see if there’s an application to the honors college. If your stats are below what they indicate as typical, argue your case. :slight_smile: (adults here can review such a request for you through pm if you wish).
Email admissions and ask to eb put in touch with a student in your expected major/s, and students from clubs you’d like to join.

5

Thank you all so much for the helpful suggestions.

Even though I do technically belong to those groups I decided to just not message on them and eventually leave them. I realised that groups are just making me feel worse about myself and affecting my mood/productivity. I’m going to focus on my senior year and figure out how to get some help in the summer.

And all of you are right. There will be loads of people in college that will feel the way that I do. I was always excited to find people there but when I saw these groups I got worried.

It isn’t like I don’t have people to talk to. It’s just that I don’t enjoy talking to them. And when I really like someone I tend to get clingy and annoying. It’s always one way or the other. Either I hate people who like me or like people who eventually hate me. It feels like this endless cycle. I just feel like a nuisance to everyone because people who don’t like me just tolerate my shit and people who like me get hurt when I ignore them. Should I just suck it up and be friends with people I don’t like? Is that what I have to do to be happy?

Am I a bitch who’s just complaining and blowing things out of proportion? Or am I being picky? I can’t figure this out

6

Why not try outsomething this semester? It’s kind of safe, at your current school. Try pushing youself out there now and then to build up confidence?

7

Lol at the forced censorship. I don’t think we really know enough about you to give you particularly useful advice about your situation. High school friendships and drama can be pointlessly complex but it gets better as people get older.

8

@HRSMom i cant try anything out at school. I’m an international student, we don’t have clubs or anything like that. It’s also nearing the end of school. We have holidays now, to prepare for our finals. It’s too late for anything at school.

@philbegas i used some pretty nasty words so i guess it’s understandable. what can i tell you that would get me useful advice? (stupid phone kept freezing on me)

9

What country/area are you from?

Also I’m guessing “gu” is a typo?

10

@philbegas south asia (you probably already saw the other one but im hoping many people didnt)

11

Gotcha, don’t worry about the freezing, sometimes CC doesn’t play well with mobile devices.

I mean, it would take a lot of background knowledge to give advice about your “endless cycle” situation, but at the end of the day it’s just the way people are in high school. You never know, maybe you’re just overanalyzing and nobody really hates you like you think they do.

12

@philbegas yeah. i found solace all through high school thinking “things will get better in college”. and now that i think about it, my own sibling who’s pretty outgoing didn’t join any groups, just made friends at college.

i guess i’m so desperate for things to get better that i’m overthinking everything. i need to chill!

13

You can wait til you get to school to make friends. Join groups of people who have the same interest to find genuine friends. You’ll have so many opportunities in your four years…take one day at a time…you don’t need fb group or groupme. Recognize that genuine friendships take time.

14

@preppedparent very true! i can’t expect people to become besties with me within a week of me talking to them.

i wrote that post when i was pretty emotional, so i wasn’t really thinking straight (clearly, haha)

15

lol nobody makes friend groups on the university facebook page, no matter if it’s official or not. You don’t know these people. I had over 5000 students on my class page and nobody posted unless 1. You were funny, 2. You wanted an answer to a question or a discussion, or 3. You wanted to be the laughingstock of your entire class (I’ve seen this with a guy who would not stop posting his homemade rap covers on the page)

Have you already started attending school? Because if you haven’t, I find it very strange that you would join a groupme with people you have never met especially if the other members know each other already.

16

Yeah I’d stay off of the social media pages (and neither of my daughters has any interest in participating in them for their potential college choices, despite being social and good at making friends).

Feeling like an outsider is a normal feeling. There’s nothing wrong with you. If you are not naturally outgoing and social, forcing yourself to be those things is not going to be pleasant or authentic.

You do you, and enjoy doing you, and there will be people who are like-minded. If you want to socialize a little bit with things that specifically interest you, do that, and you’ll find people who like what you like. Don’t stay shut in your room all day, but don’t become the kid dancing with a lampshade on their head at every party if that’s not you either.

Finding your tribe isn’t easy-it takes time and patience. Focus on what you’re good at, what you like, and you’ll eventually find other people that like those things, and like you for liking those things.

Recognize that friendship is a two way street, and both sides need to nurture it. If you don’t put in the effort, don’t expect it to last. On the flip side, don’t give 100% of yourself and then be surprised when people don’t respect you. Fly casual, as Han Solo likes to say. Stay engaged, but don’t go all Cyrano de Bergerac. Some of this is also teenage hormone, and will smooth out as you get older. Mother Nature is cruel to teenagers.

Just don’t force it or rush it, and get used to the weird/outsider feeling, because it does not go away right away-get comfortable with it, roll with it, keep moving forward, and one day you’ll be surprised you don’t feel it anymore and there are all these friends around you that you’re like, yeah, this is good!

17

@OhSorryYo i meant that they created the group a couple of months back and got to know each other on there. They didnt know each other prior to joining the facebook group. Honestly, i thought this was a common thing so i tried it out too. Clearly I was wrong!

@MotherOfDragons that’s great advice. I don’t want to be the kind of person who tries too hard and I can feel myself starting to become one of those people. Which is bad.

I have left all of those groups and I already feel much, much better. Thank you all for your advice, it means a lot to me. :slight_smile: