Worst. Rejection. Letter. Ever

Colleges and Universities A-Z Barnard College
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<p>mythmom : Actually, I think that your remarks immediately above are extremely constructive. An excellent idea.</p>

<p>If I may ask-- what was the call to Vassar about? And how egregious was William and Mary? (Feel like venting? I have!)</p>

<p>A also actually think that you have a point about our daughters being happy in various places. Even so apparently small a “thing” as a rejection letter can reflect the spirit of a place. Barnard’s letter is one that may to some degree be informed by its institution’s being in the middle of New York City; contrast that to the easier-going atmosphere in a place like Oberlin, Ohio.</p>

<p>edited to add: I mean, what was the specific wording of Vassar’s and W&M’s letters? I read above and see what the letters’ import was, which was, obviously, outrageous.</p>

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<p>Your comment along with the OP’s frustration at all the extra short essays Barnard required in the application only underscores for me how important those extra questions are.</p>

<p>They did not have the “unafraid” question 6 years ago when my daughter applied to Barnard, but to me that one question epitomized Barnard – at least it was one of those adjective that defines my daughter in a nutshell, and it seemed to me that my daughter entered Barnard “unafraid” – grew to even be more adventurous and confident over her 4 years there, and emerged with that particular aspect of her personality enhanced.</p>

<p>I think it’s best when students answer those types of questions honestly rather than trying to impress – my daughter actually submitted a somewhat self-effacing common app essay to Barnard & other schools - so there is nothing wrong with the response you describe. </p>

<p>But the point is that the admissions committee is looking for <em>fit</em> – not “fit” in the sense of “how much does this student love the idea of Barnard” – but “fit” in the sense of, “how is this young woman going to cope with our intense, often intimidating, sometimes overpowering, occasionally isolating academic and social environment?” </p>

<p>So to me, the type of person who mulls over a gratuitous line at the end of a rejection letter, who manages to find a way to take a generalized comment as a personal insult – may be the type of person who might also find life at Barnard to be scary and unpleasant. </p>

<p>My d. had a LOR from a high school teacher she adored, but I always had the impression that the teacher disliked her or was annoyed by her. When I saw the LOR, I understood why – on the surface it was a reasonably good letter, but from the adjectives he chose (words like “assertive”) I could see that he felt my daughter was pushy and audacious. At the time I figured that was fine for the schools my daughter was striving for – I guessed that Barnard was full of pushy women and the ad com would be happy to welcome another. </p>

<p>I honestly don’t remember Barnard brochures and advertising. The college that send us the best & most enticing promo was Goucher, but my d. was bored to tears within 2 hours of arriving on campus there for an overnight visit, and that’s when we both realized that the “love thy safety” idea was not going to work for my daughter. (Let’s just say that women like her do not enjoy “safe”.)</p>

<p>Again, I hope your daughters end up in colleges that will nurture their spirits and intellects and help them blossom in innumerable ways. I can’t tell whether the anger at the tone of the rejection letter is coming from the moms or the daughters – but I can tell you that the warm, cuddly, hand-holding, cheerleading community you imagined when looking at the brochures does not exist. As compared to its across-the-street neighbor, Barnard is wonderfully supportive. But that isn’t saying all that much. But the place is filled with amazingly self-sufficient and often highly focused and ambitious young women in a city that simply functions at breakneck speed. I can envision a Barnard woman reading that letter and feeling a sense of annoyance, thinking “well, f-u too” as she crumpled the paper before tossing it in the trash on her way out the door… but I have a hard time seeing the young woman who will be happy at Barnard shedding tears over it. </p>

<p>I mean – the Barnard admissions staff are New Yorkers. New Yorkers are blunt. That’s as close to polite as you are ever going to get in New York. </p>

<p>So yes, you guys are absolutely entitled to your feelings. </p>

<p>But keep in mind that you are grieving over your daughters’ rejections from the college that crafted that letter. To go back to the boyfriend analogy – if you decided that the ex is a jerk because of what he said when you broke up, why would you want to go back to him?</p>

<p>(OK, my d. did continue to lust after a total jerk of guy for many months, but the “why” part was physical. It made for a good summer fling, but it never would have worked for a long term relationship. Just as well that they “broke up” early on.)</p>

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<p>Haha you think they care that you don’t like their rejection letter? Makes you look like incredibly sensitive people. Its a REJECTION letter. The wording shouldn’t make you want to cry.</p>

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<p>I was born and raised in NY and the editors who send me rejections are all in NY. I don’t buy into the myth that New Yorkers are all a bunch of insensitive people. Maybe that’s the stereotype in the minds of people residing on the other side of the country. My daughter tossed her letter in with the recycling after reading it. She didn’t cry. She is busy deciding between some other wonderful options. Making generalizations that the daughters of CC posters would not be a good fit at Barnard if they (and their mothers) found certain wording unnecessarily biting is sort of ridiculous. At 17 my daughter was eager to ride the NY subways on her own, travel the world, and challenge anything that got in her way. She certainly is “unafraid.” She is awesome and she didn’t get into Barnard for some reason. It happens. I know that it wasn’t because she is too sensitive. It is odd to me how certain people hang around these threads long after their children have been accepted into and entered college. It seems to me that there are better and more important things to do with one’s time than debating the merits of a rejection letter. Thanks for the conversation. Moving on now.</p>

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<p>Quote from calmom: “…mulls over a gratuitous line at the end of a rejection letter, who manages to find a way to take a generalized comment as a personal insult…”</p>

<p>Yes. Perceptive comment. That is exactly what my daughter did.</p>

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<p>BettiMTmom wrote:

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<p>Calmom, Mythmom, Mardad and I (and others) have indeed been around these threads for a while now. At the risk of being a bit presumptuous and speaking for those fine people, we stay around here because we seek to provide info and guidance to students and to parents who are where we once were. I am sorry you find this “odd”. Others, I believe, have found our input helpful and/or informative. Always, we are expressing opinions based upon our own experiences. </p>

<p>But you won’t read this, I guess, since you are, as you say “moving on”. Best to you and to your daughter.</p>

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<p>It all comes down to your level of sensitivity - let’s face it, rejection letters are harsh when you have your heart set on something. That goes for college, job interviews, annual reviews, you name it. Personally in life, I prefer the direct route without all the fluff. I actually find some of the letters where they go out of their way to say how great you are, etc. but still end up rejecting you comical. You’re either in or you’re out…then again, I have a diverse team and I know some people are much more sensitive then others about how things are worded. I guess it’s a good thing I’m not a college admissions director.</p>

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<p>Well, the Romans had the thumbs up and the thumbs down, and the Greeks used a white stone and a black stone, didn’t they?</p>

<p>piglette, since you asked: Vassar said, “I’m sure you understand that there are many who are more qualified than you.” Hm. Hurtful, but particularly comical in their case when they take guys who are much less qualified than many of the women they reject to maintain their 40/60 ratio. My D was rejected; my S was accepted. To be fair, he liked the school better, too.</p>

<p>William and Mary said, “Frankly we’re surprised you applied.” Ouch and ouch. So ridiculous. My D didn’t have her heart set on either of these schools so she didn’t much care about the wording, but I made note of it and mentioned it to the schools.</p>

<p>Brown said, “You are a fine candidate. Our loss will be another school’s gain where you will enrich the classroom and social environment.” I called them to thank them for their lovely letter, and the guy who wrote it wanted to gossip about the bad ones. Too funny.</p>

<p>It reminds of a House (the TV show) where Wilson is so gentle and good at telling people they have Cancer that they give them presents.</p>

<p>That said, I do think folks should strive to hurt as little as possible, and unlike Calmom, I don’t find NYer’s overly rude or brusque. But being a native, she is probably a better judge than I.</p>

<p>And ouch. Rejections as a writer really are painful too.</p>

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<p>The William and Mary one is so bad it almost makes me wonder if somebody hadn’t hacked their admissions system and substituted that nasty letter for the real one. It does destroy any claim Barnard’s ever had to being the worst ever. Vassar’s was way worse than Barnard’s too.</p>

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<p>I agree with the OP that it was an insensitive letter. I know the committee must be tired after reading so many applications, however they should realize that many of the students applying have poured their heart into their applications. </p>

<p>I hope the OP’s D is able to successfully move on and enjoy her freshman year somewhere else. I am sure she will do well and it will be Barnard’s loss of a great alumni. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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Well, let’s just say that there is a big cultural difference between west & east coast.</p>

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<p>^ Not even that. New Yorkers are just in a class by themselves. I live in DC, and people here are just as busy, but they’re FAR friendlier. Even people’s body language in NYC is off-putting.</p>

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<p>i don’t think it’s that bad. i received a WL from barnard and i thought the wording was poor too, however i was upset more about not getting in than the letter. </p>

<p>i may not have your experience with them but i’ve had my share of rejections. at least one if not more per year for the last 5 years, from some program/school/group or other -__- and i must say, i’ve gotten worse rejections and no doubt your daughter will too in the future. the world is changing from that of yours and my mom’s and becoming somewhere rather brusque, unfriendly, and McGonagall-esque (in reference to her no-nonsense nature). </p>

<p>that being said, i think the most you personally can do now is help your daughter through this time and help her choose from her options. my own parents haven’t been particularly helpful and they’re certainly different from most parents in that they don’t buy me consolation presents, ask me if i’m okay, etc. and you know what? it kind of sucks. however i’d also hate it if they were overbearing and there 24/7, bugging me about how i feel. so strive to balance being supportive with not being too clingy, but make sure your daughter knows you’re there for her. that’s really all you can do as a parent. :)</p>

<p>EDIT:
disclaimer, i’m a born and raised Jersey girl and i’m in nyc fairly often so perhaps i’m just desensitized to rudeness hahah. i find nyc to be pretty friendly actually, but maybe that’s just me :D</p>

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Parents buy their children “consolation presents”? That’s a new one on me.</p>

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<p>I am sorry that your daughter didn’t get into her 1st choice school but I think you were reading between the line and twisting the words because you are upset for her. I didn’t see anything cruel about it , just in the way you interpreted it
I have read only one letter of rejection , but I would have to say it was just about identicle to this. It was from a school that my daughter had little interest in and wouldn’t have attended had she been accepted .
I am sure that wherever your daughter does attend, she will be happy and thrive</p>

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<p>Whatever staff member wrote that W&M response (“Frankly, we’re surprised that you applied” !!! ) should be fired. </p>

<p>Truly. That letter, and the ill feeling that it must have produced, and the ripples that surely went out therefrom, may well have caused some (even slight) subsequent drop in applications to W&M. I’d be interested to know if that was the case. Anyone who saw that rejection letter and approved it–or who saw it, did not have authority, but even let the letter go out to rejected applicants without comment–has judgment that should be called into question. THAT wins for “Worst Rejection Letter Ever.” Appalling!!!</p>

<p>Vassar’s is lousy, too (especially, as you point out, when the gender skew makes a lie of its own words). Yeah, I’m sure all the recipients will be very understanding, indeed. Oh. so very, very happy to stand aside for all those kids much better than they were. Just delighted to grit their teeth and applaud for the smiling kids who were cast in the play when they were not; chosen for the cheerleading squad when they were not; crowned prom queen when they were asked to go sell snowcones in the concession stand. (Again, though: Did W&L send out “come-on” materials–letters, postcards, etc.–to this “unqualified applicant,” encouraging him or her to apply? How about Vassar: same question.)</p>

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<p>You know, I don’t remember. It was eight years ago now, and my daughter’s first choice was Barnard so she wasn’t really perturbed by the rejection letters, although she did appreciate the wonderful letter from Brown.</p>

<p>And my S still did apply to Vassar later on.</p>

<p>It may surprise folks here to hear that three years ago in a poll taken by travel agents and their clients from all over the world NYC was voted friendliest city.</p>

<p>I was astonished, but then I also think Parisians are fine.</p>

<p>I have seen NY’ers approach tourists with subway maps to give directions. </p>

<p>In Paris as a single middle-aged woman I have been given the best table in an upscale restaurant.</p>

<p>However, in West Virginia I have been in situations when all questions were addressed to my husband, including how much sugar I wanted when we were in the general store. I’m sure the proprietor didn’t experience that as rude, but I sure did. Had I made a fuss I would have been viewed as rude so I decided against it.</p>

<p>Mores are different in different places. (Please see my accent.) </p>

<p>As for the letter – there is nothing wrong with wishing that Barnard’s letter writer had had a lighter touch. And feeling hurt goes with the territory of rejections. However, I don’t think anything was meant by awkward wording.</p>

<p>My worst rejection was a letter full of praise for a novel that a publishing house declined to publish. The praise was kind and I have used it to interest agents, so I thank the writer, but getting so close but no cigar cut me more deeply than the simple form letters.</p>

<p>However, the writer could not have known this.</p>

<p>To the OP, please tell us where you daughter will attend so we can celebrate her accomplishment. </p>

<p>One thing I have learned from sending two kids through college, is that the kid is the magic ingredient and not the college. When my S stumbled his elite school was no consolation; his subsequent successes have been from his own realistic, hard work.</p>

<p>I got offered an Ivy acceptance to grad school (I didn’t take it for various reasons, mostly being too naive about the clout it would have given me) from a very lack luster public.</p>

<p>The kid’s the cake, the school just the frosting.</p>

<p>Or paraphrasing Lily Tomlin (or actually Jane Wagner, the writer) in her play SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE: The school’s the soup, the kid’s the art.</p>

<p>She had two cans of Campbell’s suit, and in a play on Warhol’s painting of a soup can, she shuffled them repeatedly, chanting, “soup/art, soup/art,” and concluded: The play’s the soup, the audience is the art." I cried.</p>

<p>So tell your daughters that whichever school she attends she can get to where she wants to go from there and that all roads start from her.</p>

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<p>Ok - I have to agree that “Frankly, we’re surprised you applied” is over the line.</p>

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<p>Did W&M <em>really</em> write that?? Or is that maybe a paraphrase of what the reader thought was implied? (Haven’t seen the letter, but it just seems too extreme to be real.)</p>

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<p>It’s a bit of a paraphrase but very close. I was shocked. My D didn’t want to attend so there was no hurt in that way, but her stats were very appropriate for an application so the response really surprised me. </p>

<p>BTW my D was deferred from ED, and whatever the wording was she wasn’t deterred when the eventual RD acceptance came.</p>