On a more basic, general level, teenagers (and young adults) can come with all sorts of issues. Most teens are nowhere near fully mature and some might seem to emotionally regress to toddlerhood. Parental love and support being unconditional can be a very important bedrock for teens, even if (especially if?) they do not acknowledge it.
Your husband is absolutely right not to ever give up on his son. Think of the messages your husband’s actions send. Think of the messages that would be sent if your husband chose otherwise.
I agree with the chorus of responses commending your husband for holding up his end of being a parent in spite of his son’s rejection. It stinks to be in that position, but punishing his son by cutting him off will burn all bridges, and there’s a pretty good argument that some obligation exists (although the extent of the obligation could certainly be debated) irrespective of gratitude or lack thereof.
I don’t think that financial support has to be completely without strings, though. I wouldn’t suggest using it to try to force personal interactions that the son doesn’t want, but if I were paying for college, for a kid that wasn’t communicating with me, I’d be insisting they sign the paperwork to give me portal access, so that I could see his grades and be certain he was on track. Also, “paying for college” doesn’t have to mean a blank check - it would be entirely fair to stipulate a budget (the full cost of attending his in-state flagship, for example) and decline to go above that amount.
But, the “I paid for my own college” argument, from people in our generation, really doesn’t wash. The cost of college has risen far faster than inflation. What was possible when we were in college really isn’t, anymore.
It doesn’t sound as if the rift in the relationship has been going on for all that long. This happened when he was 15, and he’s, what, 16-17 now? It’s hurtful that he’s withdrawn from the relationship, but retaliating financially would be petty and counterproductive, IMHO. Being the bigger person is a big part of parenting. And advocating against that could put your husband in a very uncomfortable position and damage your relationship.
I come from a divorced family and had a hard relationship with my father with and without my mother’s opinion of the situation.
But, the kid needs to speak with his father. Those two need to go to counseling together. Yes, the kid is listening to his bio mother. This is what happens and I am sure this is just one part of the story. But I do agree that college is a privledge and expensive. Not seeing the kid for 3 years is not just on the 15 year old. There is more to the story.
I wouldn’t use the paying for college as a bribe but something has to give. Maybe the father would like to take his son on college visits to ones he can afford. This would be great use of bonding time. Talking about college and helping with the application etc.
It is important to repair the father /son relationship first. Then repairing to the rest of the family.
Texting daily with no response is just landing on deaf ears,if I am understanding. Has the father gone to teacher /child conferences at school? Has he gone to games kid has participated in?
A friend of mine who does family therapy is often heard to say “What is in the parents closet, ends up in the kid’s front yard”, i.e. whatever issues the parents think they’ve buried deep, become the primary narrative in the lives of the kids.
Food for thought. I’m sure you’ve unpacked (in counseling) your comment about how much the son is hurting your husband- because it’s likely a reflection of how much hurt the father has caused his son. Not intentional, not because he’s a bad person, not because he would EVER want his son to be in pain- but if your stepson was thrust into a situation where he was expected to be part of the Brady Bunch on weekends with siblings he doesn’t know (who don’t live with you guys… so the situation was doubly awkward) it was likely very confusing and painful for him.
Did he get one on one time with this dad during this period? Did he get to have his dad at school events and performances? Was dad the go-to guy who could give him space to grieve the end of his parents marriage? Were you on the scene before the marriage ended?
Thank you for this response, I believe you have sound advice and we have tried to encourage counseling by himself, by ourselves, together…we’re up for all of it and have done some of it. His son has stopped playing all sports, went truant from school for a while under his bio mom and does nothing but play video games to our limited knowledge of his current life as we try very hard not to put his daughter in the middle of it.
Thank you for your thoughts. I came well after the divorce. My husband is a loving nurturing man, he dotes on his children and they never have a want that is not met…we’ve are not trying to be the brady bunch, we want to spend time with him when he was here (not in his room) and we want to maintain our ethics and values in raising our children. We let him sleep in to reasonable hours, he had alone time, he had time with Dad…we are good parents. I so appreciate you response and your hugs…blending families is so difficult.
Trust me when I say it’s so much easier for us to give advice on an anonymous message board than to live it ourselves. Some of my own kids are at a stage when they notice, and amplify, all flaws in our parenting, some of which are real, and some of which are imagined or highly selective, exaggerated versions of childhood memories, but that is how they seem to be seeing things at this particular stage.
Parenting is an example of the bittersweetness of life, times a million. Consolation is knowing that their perspective will change in about 30 yrs. Hang in there.
It’s tough. But this needs to be attempted /fixed by his father. Evidently there’s more to this and a back story. I might not understand but if there are visitation rights then use them regardless if the kid wants to go or not…
One way to break into this. You might not like this but meet the son where he is at now. Have your husband find out what games he’s playing and ask to teach him how to play. Like on a TV console or computer. My kid also played games all the time and even in college (graduated almost two years ago in engineering and still playing games)… Getting to level 13,245,679🤣… Is pretty hard to do and I will give you articles telling you it’s a good thing to let the kid do even especially if thinking about engineering… Lol.
But the kid is hiding. To me it was going into my room and playing loud music to drown out the yelling. Trust me, I have been there. He’s just hiding behind the game and his mother let’s him. You can’t change his behavior and your attempts will only alienate you/your family from him. Meet him where he is at today. Slowly integrate your household rules but yes, in your house he needs to integrate.
But more importantly the father needs alone time with him for many, many reasons. Once that is on its way to repair the rest will fall in line.
Any reason your husband can’t take him away for the weekend? Looking at colleges or just because. Maybe there is a ballgame they can drive a short distance to go to? Just being together is more important then the words spoken. The words will come.
Red flags for us too. When we had him tested for his learning disability the physician, along with his pediatrician, and his counselors all support the need for greater structure. Consistent sleep schedule, improved nutrition (currently severely under weight and fights eating) and less screen and game time. That is what we tried to provide in our home, he has zero structure in his mother’s home, thus, I guess why he felt bullied in our home…we were trying to follow doctors orders, but if both parents are not on the same page, it makes it tremendously difficult.
We are treating all the children the same, his son wishes to be the exception. All of the other children help out, some work, play sports, etc…they do not isolate to their room, they participate with the family, they do not stay up all night and sleep all day. We are trying maintain the same house rules for all the children, he just doesn’t think the rules should apply to him. Particularly with children that struggle in school and have learning disabilities, schedules and consistency are key.
It seems clear that the issues this child has go far beyond whether or not Dad pays for college.
I really question the value of a thread that in part uses the circumstances of a child’s life and condition to complain.
This thread wasn’t started by the mother or father of this child, and there is little reason to believe that the step parent (by their own words) has much influence on the child or the steps taken by either mom or dad.
If the step parents resources are used to pay for college, I expect she has a say. I have tremendous sympathy for step parents-it seems like an incredibly hard job and they too are entitled to vent. The rest of us do.