Need advice please from parents of college boys.

Parents Forum
1

First time poster here, but have been a reader for years of the other sections.
I am appreciative of any advice that can be offered, feeling really lost on what to do.

My son ( youngest) has started college this year, about two hours away from where we live in the midwest.
( not at a big party school, but an academic one).
And he has literally dropped out of site, zero communication.

I have sent him over a dozen emails and have received no response in 2 weeks.
I email him to call me. Nothing.
I call him, he doesn’t pick up.

In high school, he never took advantage of the cash I gave him.
He was busy with a demanding school and outside activity, so he was home a lot studying.

Now, checking his credit card to see if he is alive, I see he has gone to town.
I emailed him saying he had to call ASAP as it looked like his card was compromised ( I knew it wasn’t).

He calls, and then tells me he doesn’t want me yelling at him at about his finances.
( his finances? It is my money… and I am paying for school too).
He spent $400 last week, told me he was “going out” …Then, he hung up and blocked my phone calls.
I am in the process of setting up a weekly allowance… Where he will not be able to go over the set amount.

I have really dedicated myself to him and my older daughter 24/7. She is not like this, a junior in college…

I hear from her every few days either by phone or text, usually text though.
(Freshman year, I heard from her every day as she was having issues with a roomate that had an eating disorder
and the college seemed to turn a blind eye). Anyway, this is why I am asking for advice from parents with college boys as I had and have no issues with my daughter communicating with me in college.

In regards to my son, I sat with him every Saturday night when he was doing school work, and did everything humanly possible for him to be successful. Every day for the past 18 years, he has asked me for help, advice or sat and talked with me constantly. Even in high school, we texted during the day. He spent more time with me during the weekends than my daughter did. He needed more help with school work, and I was constantly helping him.

Now, it is dead silence. Two weeks and zero communication. Ignoring my emails. Won’t pick up my phone calls.
This is weird to say about your own child. He has gone 180 degrees in the other direction…
But, I feel like he doesn’t need me anymore and is not making even an attempt to be social or pleasant about it.

2

I am mom of two boys, but both have since graduated from undergrad.

<<<
He calls, and then tells me he doesn’t want me yelling at him at about his finances.
( his finances? It is my money… and I am paying for school too).
He spent $400 last week, told me he was “going out” …Then, he hung up and blocked my phone calls.
I am in the process of setting up a weekly allowance… Where he will not be able to go over the set amount.


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Altho, college boys traditionally contact parents a LOT less than DD’s do, you have another issue. He is over-spending YOUR money.

What was the $400 spent on?

You’re right about setting a weekly or monthly allowance…probably weekly is best for someone who will over-spend.

3

This sounds really painful. And baffling as well. I mean, i would wonder too.

Is there a parent visit weekend coming up? If so, I think i’d drive up there.

4

He BLOCKED you? If I was paying for the phone, I’d turn it off.

5

College kids always communicate with parents when they are out of cash.

For that reason, a debit card that goes to zero is preferable to a credit card.

6

Yes, there is a parent weekend in a few weeks and he has asked me not to come.

7

Cancel his phone and cut off his credit card. If he’s going to refuse to communicate with you and spend YOUR money in a reasonable way, then he doesn’t deserve to have them.

8

Oh, hell no.

Before long, this thread will get derailed with all sorts of tangents – Where’s the spouse? Did you do too much/overshelter him growing up? Did you have this discussion beforehand? – but for me, the main thing is his totally entitled attitude. He blocks you on the phone that, I assume, you are paying for?

Let me repeat. Oh, hell no.

I would turn off his phone and give him a bare minimum on the credit card. I’m talking like $20, because I don’t know what his other resources are or what y’all agreed upon. Have his sister call him (I’d only triangulate here because, short of driving there, this might be the only way to get in touch with him) and let him know the new limits and that if he has an issue then he can call you to discuss. My sons didn’t have a credit card. They were expected to earn their spending money via work study or summer jobs. That sounds like a good plan going forward.

ETA: Ds1 was not as communicative as I would have liked, but I wasn’t surprised. He’s just not a talker like his brother. So the fact that your ds hasn’t called as often as you would like isn’t surprising to me. But you need to set an expectation going forward.

9

Do not give access to any checking account that has more than a few hundred bucks. Replenish the account, weekly, with a small amount. He while eventually want more…and that will be your chance to sit with him and construct a budget spreadsheet. S1 and S2 like their parents but do not want to be harassed. My dear wife does not understand that some boys communicate by occcasional grunts. S1 has blown thousands on keeping up with the Jonses and their bar/restaurant life. He takes loans to cover his lifestyle. S2 lives modestly and without loans.

Let a couple of months pass. It will be difficult to wait that long. Again controlling the account will get him to pick up the phone.

10

And yes turn off the phone if you are paying for it. That always makes me crawl.

11

Do not tolerate this behavior. Cut off the phone data and the money.
When he contacts you, be prepared to calmly list the conditions you expect him to meet.

12

It sounds like you both need to take a step back and some compromise is in order. I think you are contacting him TOO much and his lack of response at all in a couple weeks is not acceptable either. I think you should stipulate that he calls once per week - maybe Sundays (setting aside time to have a real conversation not just a “hi and bye”). His allowance and cell phone payment by you is stipulated on this requirement.

You should decide whether or not to go to parents’ weekend and let him know. He shouldn’t be making that decision for you unilaterally.

If it is your money he is spending, then get a debit card and give him a weekly or monthly budget. When its gone, its gone. In an emergency situation, you can always put more on.

If he blocks your calls/texts, don’t pay for his phone. But, don’t abuse your access either by bombarding him.

So, what did the $400 in the first week of school go to? Are the charges for stuff for his dorm room, books, etc? Or is it cash withdrawals that might be going to stuff he shouldn’t be buying?

13

In my opinion, if he has this attitude about money, then he should get $0 for allowance and should get a job to earn his own spending money. It sounds like he’s taking advantage of your financial support and is not willing to discuss it with you.

14

see later comment

15

It does sounds like it’s time for drastic action, and he will certainly find a way to contact you once he discovers his phone and credit card no longer work. Once he contacts you, unblock his phone only if he stops blocking your calls. I’d recommend you work with him to set up his own bank account with a debit card, and then arrange a periodic transfer of a reasonable sum from your account to his, dependent on good behavior. If he complains it is not enough, suggest he find a job.

Ultimately, you may need to remind him that he must demonstrate acceptable behavior towards you if he wants you to continue funding his education.

16

A different opinion.

If I am reading your post correctly, that you believe his personality and character have changed 180 degrees in the last few weeks, I think you should get over to campus asap and visit with him in person. I would be very concerned if this were my son. What you describe seems to me very different than new college students trying to put a bit of distance between themselves and their parents. I think you need to check this out in person and consult professionals if you aren’t satisfied with what you see and hear from him.

Hugs and good luck.

ETA: the above advice comes from a mom of grown sons, out of college for some years now.

17

Stop funding him. You are not obligated to fund his partying or his schooling. If money is gone, he’ll be calling you soon enough!

Sounds like he’s drinking and feels guilty, so he’s not calling you. He might also be under pressure to purchase party items for possible RUSH activities and may be embarrassed that Mama is calling to yell at him.

I’m going to be truthful from parent to parent.

If you’ve been hounding him, expecting the same communication as in high school, where you sat weekly with him to complete his assignments, that aint gonna happen now that he’s away from the nest. Twelve emails in 14 days?

A safety text would have worked: Hi Son: I haven’t heard from you! I’m hoping you are ok. Sorry for the constant emails. Please text me and let me know that you are safe. See you soon. Love Mom

I expect that your son is not doing well academically because his study habits are not intrinsically-based, and you are not there to push him (extrinsically) to do his work every Saturday.

Most parents don’t sit weekly to help their sons/daughters to complete high school assignments. Speaking as a former staff member at a high school, and as a parent, most students tend to overachieve by doing too much and skimping on sleep. They want to get into their colleges, so they are very self-motivated to do their own work.

Cut the money.

18

First, boys can be not great with communication. I once texted my S “are you still among the living”. His reply “yup”. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago and no response. Texted him, did you get my email. “Opps, I keep forgetting to reply, yea that is fine”.

So the fact that he’s not communicating like you want is not uncommon. What is uncommon and should not be tolerated is blocking you from his phone. I am hoping that you aren’t calling him like an old angry girlfriend (and if you are, try and limit how often you call or text or email).

You need to set up some ground rules for him and for you. If you have a husband have him call or your daughter. You need to have limits on how often you expect to call him and he needs to have expectations on the fact that he needs to call you. It won’t be as much as you want and more than he wants but something you can agree on and is reasonable.

And if you are giving him an allowance, then yea you have a right to limit what you give. If it’s his money either from summer earnings or grad gifts, I think you need to let him learn his lesson. When that money is gone, it’s gone and then you can set limits. Or he can get a job or not spend money. He will live as long as room and board is paid.

This growing up stuff is hard for us parents, it’s not fun and both sides have growing pains.

19

My son has never once replied to an email from me.

He will usually reply to texts within a few hours. But I don’t text him that often. 2-3 times a week maybe, and some of that is random stuff that I think might amuse him, and that doesn’t really require a reply.

You absolutely have the right to limit how much money you let him spend–and to expect some amount of communication. As others have said, it won’t be as much as you’d like. I know some families who have a semi-scheduled phone call every week or so. We’ve never done that but we feel like he’s staying somewhat in touch.

Certainly if we tell him we want him to call he always has but we’ve only done that s handful of times.

20

I agree, maybe it is time for a visit to make sure he is okay and is not having issues. Text him and tell him you will be there if he does not call to say he is okay. Be clear that you expect to know how your money is being spent but I do not agree with some others that have suggested you should threaten to cut everything off. If he is okay, and the money wasn’t used for bail, drugs, “…enter any and all disaster scenarios here…” then I think there are some changes you BOTH need to make.

“…I sat with him every Saturday night when he was doing school work, and did everything humanly possible for him to be successful. Every day for the past 18 years, he has asked me for help, advice or sat and talked with me constantly”. Even in high school, we texted during the day.”

Your son has not had much experience making his own decisions until now, and he may have made some poor choices recently. Either way you are not (and should not be) part of his day to day life in college and he has to figure things out for himself.

I have two sons in college – one a senior, one a junior. I talk with them via phone (once in a while via Skype) at most once per week. Usually it is once every other week or so. It is rare that they initiate the call, which is just the way it is with sons, sorry if this is not what you want to hear. You should be proud if your son is doing okay and does not need mom to help him daily. He is able to see that you are just making excuses to contact him which is pushing him further away.

My suggestion is to stop trying to talk to him, it is not working. If he is on a school meal plan don’t give him extra money and if he needs money weekly for food hold to a set amount. Tell him, as his mother, you expect him to at least say he is alive and well on an occasional basis but you need to hold to your part too, agree that you will only contact him if it is urgent.