We’re a blended family. I’ve known my husbands children since they were 8 (son) and 10 (daughter) years old. My husbands son decided on his 15th birthday that he no longer wanted to be a part of our life and unfortunately his mother participates and validate this parental alienation.
His son’s reasoning is he feels bullied because we make him do chores when at our home, he’s is not permitted to stay up all night on his phone or spend all weekend days in bed (weekends are that only time we saw him), we make him come out of his room and participate with the family, we do not allow him to be on his phone playing games 24/7, and we are attempting to raise children that are not so entitled and greedy…which unfortunately my husbands kids have become.
My husband still wants to pay for his son’s college even though we have not seen him since age 15. We’ve not set eyes on him and he does not respond to any of our communications, even though his dad text’s him loving communications everyday without fail. I have a real problem giving money to a child that wants nothing to do with us. We have three other children between the two of us that could be better served by these funds, as well as our own retirement to think of. I just do not see paying $100K +, when there will be no gratitude for it…this child believes “we owe” these things to him…computers, car, phones, entertainment, video games, etc… To me, that’s not the case, what we give our children beyond the basics of food, clothing, shelter are a privilege, not a right.
I’d really like to know what other parents feel on this topic. I paid for my own cars, college, etc…and I do not, and have not ever expected my parents to leave me money or fund my life as an adult. Should there not be repercussions for his son’s actions? Would you pay for his college or leave him an inheritance?
I think your husband is doing the right thing by continuing to support his son and helping pay for college. Your step son has been influenced by his mother and there is lots of opportunity for a better relationship between your husband and his son as the son matures and moves away from home. Cutting him off financially now will make that more difficult in the future, especially if he funds school for other children.
The teenage years are tough, especially if the child’s mother is validating the alienation as you stated upfront. I’d give this boy the benefit of the doubt. Big kudos to your husband for continuing to reach out and communicate, even if it’s currently a one way street. My bet is that will change in the future!
I would pay out of respect to my husband, and as a way to show his son/your step son that you care about him and his future. These are tough years and I would want to encourage a relationship.
I would only pay what I could afford, which would hold true for all of the children.
I agree that the relationship could change for the better once this young man goes away to college (assuming he would be living on campus, not commuting). My son and his wife divorced when the children were 6 and 4. His ex-wife made it very, very difficult for him to have contact with his children, virtually impossible for him to see them in person for many years. He never gave up on them and called them faithfully as often as allowed. When his ex-wife gave up on parenting his daughter at age 14 and my son was awarded custody, he was able to establish a close, loving relationship with her, in spite of her mother’s years of “brainwashing”. His son stayed with his mother and her 2nd husband until she left that marriage and left her son with the step-dad. My son was then able to obtain custody of his son at the age of 17. Both of his kids (now age 23 and 20) are still living with him. It’s really sad to miss out on years of a child’s life but re-establishing a relationship, while not easy, is certainly possible.
Did he pay for his oldest to go to college? I’ve had 5 teenagers who had no bedtimes, were allowed to sleep as late as they wanted on weekends (but usually had work or games), and they spent most of their time in their rooms when home. It goes by quick and they change so much after high school. I’d treat all of the kids the same.
I’m not sure that parents’ or step-parents’ feelings have anything to do with this issue. Blended family dynamics are tough, but your husband does have children from a prior marriage and bears financial responsibility for them legally, even post-age 18. It’s baffling to me that 18-year-olds are still considered legal adults given what resources are required to launch them into adulthood, but our laws have changed in an out-of-sync manner to societal changes. Good luck!
Your husband is absolutely doing the right thing. His son should be his priority. He did not ask for divorced parents, or a blended family. Do some reading. Children of divorced parents, especially ones that later blend families, frequently have emotional issues to overcome relating to this situation. In your post, you express a preference for the other kids and resentment for the son (wanting to reserve funds for the other kids), and the don likely senses this as well. Your husband had financial obligations to his existing children when you married him, and I think you should respect that and be happy that he is a dad who continues to show up for all of his children.
I agree your husband should help pay for his S’s college…but you and he should agree on what is affordable for your family and he should communicate that to his S. You also don’t say whether bio mom is helping to pay for this S’s college, and I hope that she is.
Has anyone in the mix had professional help in navigating these challenging situations?
If not, it’s never too late. Perhaps your stepson would tell his therapist “All week with my bio-mom haranguing me, I looked forward to relaxing at my Dad’s. Making pizza with everyone or going for ice cream would be fine- but my dad and step mom expected me to spend every single minute pretending we are one big happy family. I barely know her kids- but somehow I was expected to be the oldest kid of this “family”. So my bio-mom agreed with me- the situation was too stressful, so I stopped going over there. I miss having a relationship with my dad, but they behaved like we were characters on a TV sitcom and I couldn’t take it. Plus I have issues with my mom, and I have NO support on that- if it weren’t for my friends (who my step mom insisted I stop talking to when I’m over there) I’d have nothing positive in my life. Plus- I ended up folding THEIR laundry and doing household chores in a place I don’t live in- how crazy is that?”
Please get some counseling. It is confusing and stressful for the younger kids to have no relationship with your step-son. It must be depressing beyond belief for your husband- who is doing the right thing- not to be making inroads. And you likely have a LOT of anger brewing if you are prepared to cut the kid off for acting like- well, a child of divorce. Is he making crystal meth in the garage? Is he selling fentanyl to 8 year olds? No? He’s acting out like teenagers act out, compounded by a rotten step-family situation.
Has anyone gotten him counseling if you haven’t laid eyes on him since age 15? Why not?
It doesn’t matter if you are divorced or married. You feel that your children are on their own unless they show gratitude. Your husband feels differently. This is a major financial decision that you and your husband should have discussed long before his son became 18.
Are you children older or younger? Have you discussed if the two of you will pay (or have paid) for their education? Did the two of you pay for his 20 year old daughter’s education?
How does your husband feel?
I’m trying to understand your logic. Are you buying a phone, computer, video games, etc. for your kids and his daughter? Do they receive this privilege because they are appreciative and live with you? If not, what is your criteria for earning this privilege?
Thank you for your reply. I’m gaining some good perspective from everyone’s responses and finding it very helpful. The biological mom is not helping pay for college.
Thank you for your response. It sounds like your response has to do with some tough experiences you went through, I’m sorry for that. We ask all the children to partake in helping with meals and dishes for example…not doing our laundry. We have had counseling and have pleaded with the biological mom for counseling for his son.
I’ve had no tough experiences personally but thank you for your empathy. My parents were married 53 years and I have been married for over 40 to the same guy.
I have several close friends in blended family situations and there is often a blind spot even in the most loving families. I hope counseling helped you.
What is your intended outcome of cutting off this child- he graduates from HS and gets a job at Target? (Nothing wrong with that of course, but is that the plan?) If his mom isn’t paying for college, what options is he going to have for getting an education (forget college- even learning plumbing or welding at a trade school is going to cost $).
Well, he could take a job at one of the many employers, including Target, that will pay for college. Or join the military and get GI benefits. Or start at community college.
I have no opinion on OP’s predicament, but there are other ways to pay for higher ed.
There has been an unhealthy balance as far as support for the four children, with his children receiving more support than my own. However, with feedback from his own family, my husband is starting to see the error of his ways and is now contributing to support of my children. None of our children live with us and we do not give my children cars, computers, trips like we do his. I make half what my husband makes, yet I’ve always given to his children and supported them like my own; trying to balance the needs of all 4 children and not just the two. I do believe in building good traits in your children that produce initiative, a good work ethic, humility, and knowledge that the simpler thing in life bring you the greatest joy…the the material things. I do not encourage entitlement, there are differences between needs and wants and what we can afford for if considering all four children, not just two.
No, I don’t wish to cut him off. I want him in our lives. I want my husband who is a tender and dear man to have his son. I’m having a hard time dealing with the emotions of how much his son is hurting him right now. I want the best for all of our children. I’m gaining a great deal of perspective that I hadn’t considered in some of the responses and finding it very helpful. I do agree with most that the child is less to blame that the parent allowing it to happen.