Personally, I’m not a believer in long distance relationships. The idea behind marriage is to be together. That’s how marriages become strong. Everything else comes down to priorities and logistics. Ultimately, they’ll find a way to work it out.
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My parents got married when my mother was 18 and my dad was 20. They stayed happily married for over 50 years. My husband and I met in college but after graduation I drove around the country for a year then went to grad school in NYC while he went to Caltech. We saw each other for every vacation and I spent my summers in California. We got married a week after he got his PhD. We’re still married. Lesson? Either can work.
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Sorry, I wasn’t clear - I meant that young marriages, can work; for that matter, so can arranged marriages - both of my sisters’ marriages were sorta-kinda arranged marriages.
I agree there are lots of alternatives, each one has 50/50 potential to work or fail but we can argue that their own plan to get engaged now and marry once both finish undergrad has similar odds and it makes them happy. It’s tough to be in love at 21 but easier to join military at 18.
My folks were high school sweethearts. They knew each other from junior high and my mom said she had a crush on my dad back then. They married at 21 with my mom racing through school so she would have a degree and job to support my dad in medical school. His degree was a joint project; she helped him study and she was smart enough and knew enough she could have been a doctor herself after that. They were married for sixty-one years.
Their story is romantic and old fashioned and was not for me. I got all my degrees and worked in all my tough, time consuming jobs before I got married. I have been married 30 years.
My kids? I think they fall somewhere in between. I don’t think they will wait as long as I did nor do I think they are as careerist as I was. They have wonderful, supportive GFs and I don’t think they have to choose between career and love.
That wasn’t really an answer, OP, but my position is there is no one right answer. The kids sound great and whatever choice they make will work out fine.
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Ok if they are asking for advice fine. If not let them work it out.
My son and his gf are in the same situation. My son finished undergrad in 3 years and is about to start his second year of vet school. His gf just graduated and is taking a gap year and then starting PA school in June at a different school. They have been dating for 4 years. They have decided to get engaged next summer and then plan to get married 2 years later when they graduate. She will follow him on internships and residency. Originally she was going to med school but decided that was her mom’s dream not hers. They want to wait until they can support themselves without help from parents and that is when they feel would be the best. We support their decisions and think they have thought through it. So one way of doing it. (My husband and I married the day before undergrad graduation and he went to law school away later, we have been married 40 years).
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Many of my sorority sisters got married right out of college, so 22-24 years old. Most of those marriages are still going strong at 40+ years. One was a military marriage with groom an AFA grad so he had to put in his 5-7 years. Wife got her graduate degree (teaching) by doing it at different bases, different assignments. Others were pretty poor. One thing I think most of them had in common was waiting several years to have kids.
Many of my high school friends waited till their late 20’s (so 8-10 years) and most of them are doing fine too.
I have to laugh at the pre-canan classes (I do believe in them but they aren’t perfect). My sister and BIL took it and had to answer a set of 150 questions. As my sister said, HE got two wrong, but they agreed on almost everything else or at least knew how the other felt about the topic (kids, finances, travel, adventure). They had a good marriage for about 7 years, even remodeled a house, bought another house, had pets, she typed his thesis, but just wanted different things after that amount of time.They were in their late 20’s, had known each other for years (she actually attended his first wedding as a guest of the bride)
No perfect answers. My own kids are in long term relationships. One is ‘settled’, living together, two dogs, want to buy a house together (if the crazy market would settle down). ALL their friends are getting married, but they want to wait. I think that’s a good idea as my daughter is only 24. He has an MBA, she just passed her professional engineer test so probably no more schooling for either.
Other daughter WANTS to be engaged but her boyfriend is in the army and will either stay in MO or go to KY for the next year. She’s starting grad school (in neither of those states). I really want them to wait. I think he’ll get tired of her being in grad school, especially since many of his army friends are married and have their partners there day in and day out. She’s spending the month with him and I think that’s great and showing her what her life as an army wife would be like - so far going to Walmart to buy food and then making him dinner.
I think this is the sign of the relationship’s “maturity” for lack of a better word and what I would be concerned about if it were my child telling me their plans (though I’m not so sure I would voice those concerns to anyone but my husband unless asked!) because marriages simply have to be able to weather the “time” factor. The “honeymoon phase” they are in doesn’t last forever, and not everything will happen according to their planned timeline (they may plan to have kids at XX stage and then are faced with the wait of infertility, he may plan to be at XX executive level by YY and then isn’t, etc). If the relationship is only “good” because they are physically together (or if they already fear a test of its strength) than I’d probably be worried about its foundation and encourage them not to marry just to avoid the unknown of adversity because the adversity will still find them at some point during their marriage regardless of whether they head this first test off at the pass. Experiencing how each other faces adversities can be a very good thing to know so early on in a life long relationship.
I’d also be very cautious of defining a relationship in terms of status (Ivy league degrees and resumes for high income and bright careers).
Finally if they are asking for advice, I might steer them in the direction of discussing the order of priorities of their continued college endeavors as it pertains to their marriage. If he is working while she is in dental school, and then expects for her to be working while he attends grad school, what happens if “life” follows a different path and doesn’t allow the opportunity for the reversal of roles or get his MBA slowly (evenings and weekends over many years) while working, etc. Saying you are willing to make sacrifices to stay together is easy now but being able to avoid feelings of resentment or regret later doesn’t always come as easily.
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As for the the couple in original post, their parents seem fine with it and it looks like there is an engagement in their cards before he graduates.
For your D, If it’s deep love and valued friendship then it would take them long time to find another bond like that again. Wouldn’t it be better to wait 2 years for someone you love than going for random dating or rebound relationships? Why throw away a healthy relationship.
If it’s temporary infatuation and not a deep connection then it should be fine to end it to pursue something circumstantially suitable.