Hi folks, I am new to parents cafe but thought this may be the best place to get some parent to parent advice.
My daughter started at Penn State this past summer (June 2015). She quickly fell in love with it and was doing great. I was thrilled and relieved. A few weeks into the summer session she confided that she and her boyfriend of 3 years were dealing with some growing pains related to her starting college. I was surprised because he’s a year older and was starting his second year at a nearby school and they did just fine his first year away. So now fast forward and we are about 6 weeks into fall semester and she let me know tonight that they are breaking up. It seems mutual although she is devastated. He is her high school love. However I know, and she knows, that most people can’t sustain a relationship from HS through college. She thought they were different, but doesn’t everyone? There is no one else, no one to blame…they just grew apart with different interests.
There are a couple issues I’m dealing with…I want to run right up there and she said no. I have been having a difficult time with the whole letting go process anyway (she’s my first to go to college), and her dealing with a personal crisis when I’m not there is just awful for me. Secondly, this boy was like family. Always at our house, vacations with our two families etc. I love him like a son…and with my daughters permission over the years, he has treated me like a second mom, often texting me for advice and generally just being around our family. I am also friends with his mom. I definitely got too attached and will learn that lesson for my other kids. I am trying to give her space and I will not talk to this boy anymore without my D’s permission…but we are all just sad. I get why she is sad…I’m not sure I have the right to grieve her relationship, but I am. The next boyfriend of hers I will love like a son won’t be until she has a ring! Which doesn’t seem fair to the “next” guy, but I’ve lived and now I’ve learned. I swear my poor first child gets all my parenting mistakes!
Anyway, I guess I just want to hear how other parents have dealt with this as I know her situation isn’t unique. …and I’m also looking for ideas of a care package I could send for a broken heart that isn’t all food.
Thanks for listening…
First, your daughter. She is 18 or so right? So even if she was home you aren’t going to be holding her hand 24/7. She has told you she is “ok” - you need to believe her! It would normal for her to feel sad and if you think she has a decent support system at school (roommate, friends) she is likely leaning on them and they will help her move on in terms of daily routines. You of course can keep in touch with her, be a good listener when she calls/texts, etc. She will need you too - but she probably just realizes that coming to her isn’t going to do anymore good.
Maybe ask yourself - who really needs the contact with D - her - or you?? Find a couple people at home that you can talk and lean on too (in addition to us. )
As far as the former boyfriend…sounds like they aren’t breaking up in anger or angst - sounds like they just grew apart and are probably making a good decision for now. Give it time. Maybe at some point it could be appropriate for you to send him a text and wish him well. If you are friends with his mom maybe a word to her (a neutral word) could be appropriate too. Maybe don’t rush to go out and have lunch with her yet though.
You enjoyed his company and he became part of your family - of course, he was around for years! Don’t hold that against a new BF in the future - if it feels right to embrace him in your family you should do it - but just with the realization that the relationship’s call and future is between your D and him.
I haven’t experienced this, but I’m sorry for all involved. I do suggest that you NOT stop talking to the boy or the family, unless your daughter really doesn’t want you to. It doesn’t sound like anyone did anything wrong, so there is no reason not to be cordial.
I know there has been a thread on good care package ideas. You may want to search for it.
Ugh…I feel your pain but in the sense of a mom of the baby of the family going throughout the same thing ( sort of ) daughter’s boyfriend has been dealing with some issues of his own and she has been caught in the crossfire.
I have been through this in varying degrees with her sisters ( older and different personalities and temperaments )
My daughter is dealing with adjusting to a school that she didn’t want to go to , trying really hard to get acclimated , not being challenged academically. socially a bad fit and drama with her bf who also isn’t digging his school.
As a seasoned parent of college age kids, I have to say that this generation / class is a heck of a lot different than my older kids when it comes to getting involved in their schools. It is a big head scratcher for my husband and I
That being said , It is really hard to sit back and see your daughter go through such a difficult time, especially when their bf is breaking away and they were part of the household . My daughter even has a lot of teachers from high school who thought they were a good team and surprised to see them part ways. All we want to do, as parents is shield them from the pain and make things easier…
Our children’s breakups of longterm relationships are the part of parenting I dread. I just hate to see them hurting. About five years ago, my oldest D, who was a semester away from finishing grad school, ended a 6 1/2 year relationship due to one wanting a permanent commitment and the other not ready to do so. Same situation as the OP- boyfriend was like a family member, had vacationed with us, we knew his parents well, yada yada yada. She really didn’t want to talk with me about it. But she had the strong support of close friends and her 2 sisters who I knew she was talking with.
Three months later D2 sends a text saying that boyfriend of 5 1/2 years had broken up with her and she did not want talk about it. In her case, she wasn’t telling any family members much. And while I thought that she was confiding in her close friends, that really wasn’t the case. (I say this because one of her friends lived at our house during an internship and discussed the situation with me. But as I write this I wonder if she may have had knowledge of the situation that she didn’t share with me either!) Meanwhile, boyfriend’s parents are good friends of me and my husband. The mom comes to my door sobbing and just horrified that her son had broken up with D. What a mess!
My response to both breakups was the same: I sent them each a loving letter of support and offering a listening ear if and when they did want to talk. I added my personal observation that often relationships don’t work out because the timing is not right-one person is at a different stage than the other in the relationship. I also sent some chocolate and money to splurge on a night out with friends. A friend of mine whose children were a few years older than mine had long before warned me not to get attached or make assumptions about my kids relationships until an actual engagement takes place. Wow, she was right about that! Eventually both D’s did talk with me about what had happened. In one case, the reason for the breakup was nothing like what I had thought.
Five years later D1 is married to a wonderful man who she met a year after the breakup and D2 is weeks away from marrying the young man who had broken up with her. Life does work out.
Perfect. My D did eventually tell me all about her freshman-year breakup too, but at the time, nothing.
OP, let your D take the lead. She is asking for space right now, to work it out for herself. Don’t ask any questions about what happened or how he’s doing. Don’t share with her your own (understandable) feelings of loss. Your job is to support her, and to be there in whatever way she needs. She’s going to get through it.
Live and learn. Now you know not to get too attached. When I broke up with a longtime bf, my mother chose him! lol I recommend you NOT do that.
I made sure not to get attached to ds2’s HS gf. They broke up last year, while sophomores in college, just because of the long-distance nature of the relationship. As amicable as it could have been. Dh and I remain close to her family because we see them every week at HS football games, sitting together, etc. Last month, the mom said over the winter break we all need to get together, including the kids, to hear about their study abroad programs. I asked ds whether that would be OK with him, and he said yes. All very civil. But I think you have to take the lead from your dd.
It might be easier for her to be strong without seeing you worry about her. I would send her a box with some silly stuff, not heavy broken heart stuff. Maybe some Halloween decorations for her dorm, just something fun to take her mind off of it. It certainly helps that the breakup was mutual and not some shocking out-of-the-blue event.
As far as the boy, who knows, they very well could end up getting back together someday after they get some independence for awhile. But for now don’t let her know that you are missing him, that will probably feel like a betrayal or a burden to her. And try not to hold it against poor future boyfriends!
We went through something similar not long ago, and it’s so hard because you just want to make things right! But it’s unfortunately a part of life and of growing up, and it’s her experience to have for herself. She will be stronger for it later, and it will give her perspective in future relationships.
This is almost exactly what happened with my sister and niece, and niece’s BF. I think you need to let your daughter take the lead, and not lay too much of your own grief on her (not that you’re doing that). As I told my sister, it’s natural for you to grieve a little too - after all, you were close with this kid as well. I just wouldn’t share too much of that with daughter.
Just wanted you to known that you are not alone! Everything will work out.
Thanks for the reply’s everyone. I’m seeing things a little more clearly today and trying to put things into perspective.
I, too, went through a tough break up in college…and as I reminded my daughter today, I went on a date with my now husband in an attempt to make other said boy jealous. Things have a way of working out
I have nothing but the best wishes for the boy. He was good to her for 3 years. I am actually very happy he was her first love because it was a healthy relationship and I feel like she was able to see how a good relationship can be…even if it didn’t work out to be “forever”. Things just took a turn when her world became all new and he wasn’t really a part of that anymore. That’s a lot for 18 and 19 year olds to handle.
I say that I won’t like any new boys - but I am like a big old Italian grandmother (I am neither, lol) and I just tend to welcome everyone in and bring them into the fold and under my wings. My daughter’s friends all hung out here all through high school and the girls would talk to me about their lives around the kitchen counter. Come to think of it, I miss the girls too, lol.
But I will learn my lesson and I will be sure to keep a bit of distance. The boy has asked if he can text periodically to check in on our family…he was a great “big brother” to my two boys…and after checking with my daughter I did tell him yes. He is heartbroken as well.
My daughter texted me today excited about a possible decision on a major and talking about housing for next year and seemed excited for the future, which is all I can ask. As for whether these two will get back together again, I can’t count on that and I told her she cannot sit around with her life on hold hoping for that to happen. If it does, that’s great - if not, then there was something different and better out there for her.
I like the idea of not sending sentimental stuff to her…I will try to find some fun stuff to make her smile and not any Rom Com movies
Sounds great, OP. When ds2 broke up, his big brother asked, “Does that mean that we can’t be friends with her family anymore?” He really liked the whole family, too. It’s tough when things don’t work out through no fault of anyone. It would be easier if you could just hate them!
I am still very fond of my daughter’s two long term boyfriends. In fact so is she.
I regard them as I suppose foster parents regard their charges. Love them but always mindful that it may well be short term; glad they were a part of your life for however long a time.
The stuff I learn on college confidential. I wish I heard all this about two months ago when my d and her bf broke up. I did everything wrong! My poor first child. Good thing she is gracious. It was new territory for both of us. I will be much wiser next time (I hope)!
My daughter has been dating a boy (at college for two years and I barely know him.
I was advised years ago by a friend to keep my distance- and I have. I am perfectly friendly when I see him - but I resist the urge to send him cookies and buy him presents and texts like he is one of my own.
I sympathize OP -I am a problem solver and it is very tough for me when my kids go through pain -even though I know it is part of learning and growing.
It is hard to let go, but you have to realize that your D is a young adult now, and that you can’t take the heartbreak for her, you can’t live your life for her. With a relationship like she had, it is more likely than not to fail, and while I understand fully how close you were to the boy, you have to recognize that things sometimes don’t work out the way we expect:). Having been through the fun of relationships with my S, it is hard, because you want them to be that enthusiastic, happy kid, not the one who is upset and miserable and such.
I would let your d work through this her own way, if she needs you she will reach out to you, but let her do it in her own way.
Oh wow, I have so been here. S2’s gf broke up with him after 4 years, beginning of sophomore year college. I was crushed, angry, hurt…he was devastated but of course bounced back in time. I tried to not process my OWN grief and hurt by making him talk about his own. His friends rallied to his side, and I did ask “Am I allowed to hate her?” and he laughed and said no. S1 was there to give advice from his own breakup — they were very serious and her mom decided, too serious for the daughter’s career plans, so mom sat in the room while gf broke up over the phone. Gah, I cried buckets. Anyway, S1 was sad for a few months, but was resolute in staying friends and being positive; he would say “it’s not like being in love with her was a waste of my time”.
Be there for her quietly. Be ready for her to move on before you are. Don’t assume she is crushed forever; sometimes the inside view of a relationship is not so rosy, and 20-somethings are ready for something better even if they aren’t sure of who that will be. And don’t ever fall in love with the bf again!
I would say – girls, break up in person. Guys have feelings too. Don’t be a jerk! And don’t lie about your feelings to save his – just get it over with, and let everyone move on.
My son has been dating a girl for 6 years, since junior year in hs. They went away two separate colleges, and managed to stay together. The poor girl probably thinks I am lukewarm to her, but in all honesty, I absolutely ADORE her. I just try to keep my feelings in check because I would be devastated if they broke up.
So glad to hear I am not alone in loving the significant others of our children. I think because my D and her bf started dating when she was a sophomore and he was a junior in HS, it will be different than anyone she dates in college or from here on out. With this bf, I drove them everywhere until he could drive, then he was at our house after school, weekends, for dinner, family vacations with his family and ours, saturday BBQ’s, etc…He was truly integrated into our family. That won’t be an issue from here on out because she is away at college and I won’t get to know the next boy the same way.
I am SO glad that things are ending on a good note…as good as it can be when a 3 year relationship ends this young. That’s a significant portion of their lives thus far. Her best friend cheated on her boyfriend of 3+ years and she damn near shattered that boy and it was a total and absolute mess. I am very glad that this is amicable. Even if sad. @greenbutton I am glad to hear you cried too, lol. I definitely shed some tears the last few days, but only when I was alone and my D does not know this. I was feeling like maybe I was crazy for grieving the end of HER relationship, but at least I know others have felt the same way.
Maybe I am alone in this – but I have (a husband) plus 2 sons, 2 brothers, no sisters, no daughters. When my sons bring home a sweet girl it’s really tough not to hope this is a future DIL. (The older one is late 20s, so it’s not like he’s introducing me to his junior prom date!)
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