<p>My S is a freshman far away from home. He absolutely loves his school and he is very focused in study and has a nice social life at the same time. It was very hard for us to letting him go; the first weeks we felt empty the house and it took me a long time to realize that I didnt need anymore to serve four plates at dinnertime.
Once we get used to have him far from home, I started to enjoy being with my D that is a senior going to the same college my S goes (she hopes) next year. Her boyfriend of almost three years goes to the same school she is applying early, so everybody was happy. He came to visit her for the weekend three weeks ago and they were inseparable, a week after that, they started to fight over the phone, and this past Wednesday, she decided to break up with him. We had a hard time with him during the past but we learn to love him and he ended up being our adopted son. Now that all is over, Im feeling very depressed, and I dont know what to do. I miss my S as I never did before and I cant enjoy being with my D after dumping this boy and still tell us that she loves him very much. I cant understand how if two people say that they love each other very much and they lived the nicest moments together, one of them for a single fight says that its over letting the other cry out loud in every corner hurting his study and social life. Does anyone have an explanation for this behavior? Could be this product of the college application process stress?</p>
<p>Cressmom, I'm not sure if you come originally from another culture, where kids of 17 and 18 are further into adulthood in terms of life decisions than in our culture. If so, that might explain a difference in your perspective from mine.</p>
<p>To me, a 17 or 18 year old "saying that they love each very much and living the nicest moments together" then breaking up after a "single fight" is normal, normal, normal. Not only normal, but desirable. "Trying on" different boyfriends is a good process for eventually deciding what the key ingredients are for your girl's life mate. Dating a boy since age 14 or 15 and staying with that person forever, never having dated anyone else, is often in this culture a recipe for an unsuccessful marriage with one or both partners suddenly deciding that they have "never really lived." So, if I were in your shoes, I would personally be glad of this development.</p>
<p>That said, I have some personal inkling of how you feel. My niece went with the same wonderful boy for 3 high school years and 1 college year. They were nearly joined at the hip. He essentially lived at her house 95% of the time (I thought my single-parent brother should have his head-examined, but that's another story). That boy spent much time and every important holiday at my home. I came to love him. I miss him still and it has been 3 years. And I'm only the aunt! The two kids are still friends, but it's not the same. I've never met her current boyfriend and woe to him if he doesn't live up to BF #1 in my esteem (just kidding). So, I can truly, truly sympathize with your sense of loss. </p>
<p>I don't think it has anything to do with college application stress. As to them crying and his study life hurting, all of us in this life have to learn to get over disappointment and most of us have to learn to get over lost love.</p>
<p>I am glad you can come here for support and thoughts. But I don't think you should want your D to go back to the way it was.</p>
<p>Thank you. I think you are right. Many times I’d wish this boy to go away and I can’t understand why I’m feeling down now that it’s over. I have the inside feeling that I’m hurt because my D dumped him as revenge, and she expected from us to show her gratitude for her actions. My D was upset to know that even her dad was disappointed. Her dad! The one who always refused to have the boy over and didn’t even want to greet him. Why is her dad saying that he was a good 19 years old boy? Her bedroom is still covered with photos of them together during overseas vacations, in Hawaii, at parties, at his prom two years ago, at weddings, retirement parties, with new family babies, with friends, etc. She is still sleeping with the teddy bear he gave to her. Her computer wallpaper is his face. And worst of all, the scholarships applications, the essays for the applications and supplements are under the bed. For all this, I was thinking that it could be a stress related crisis. I want to back up in this without let her disappointed thinking that I don’t care. Also, I’m worry that I’m sending the wrong message to both of them like it’s ok to freely hurt other people feelings. At the same time, could be her behavior in order to demand attention? She was truly upset the time we went to attend the parent’s orientation at college saying that we were doing too much for “him” (that the way she addresses her brother when she is angry). The week that the fight with her boyfriend started was when I booked the flights for my S to come home during fall break. Is it a coincidence? I’m totally lost in this, I tried to remember how I was as a teenager to understand her, but I was an only child.
This is the first time I had to experience this kind of situations, and it is the most stressful time for me having to adapt to the new step as parents: having a college freshman and a HS senior at the same time.</p>
<p>cressmom:</p>
<p>From Best friends forever to "I'll never speak with you again."</p>
<p>Don't underestimate the propensity of teenagers for dramatics. Maybe it is really over, maybe it is over for the next few days only. Wait and see.</p>
<p>Cressmom, it may make YOU feel better about D's breakup if you send a short note to the boy, telling him how much you grew to like/respect him, and to wish him the very best whatever the future holds for him. He'll like knowing you appreciated him in your life, and you may soothe some hurt feelings on his part. </p>
<p>A friend of mine did that when her S broke up with long-term girlfriend, and I always thought that was a very classy thing to do.</p>
<p>Katliamom, what you friend did was wonderful, but it doesn’t' work in this case. I tried, but he got the wrong message. This kid is very special, those that you could not find so easily. The very first time we met him, he formally asked us permission to date our daughter. We thought that was funny, he was only sixteen. After a few weeks we started to worry about the age difference between them, our daughter was a freshman, and he wrote us a letter telling us that we shouldn't worry, he will love her forever and he will respect her. And he did. He loved her so much that he has planned the future, he already bought flight tickets to give her a birthday surprise coming home after his class and returning the next day at six in the morning so he wouldn't miss the next class (three hours flight each way); he had all planned for Thanksgiving and even he already got her Christmas presents... I don't think I ever did that for my boyfriend (my husband of 20 years). I understand his anger, three weeks ago he came to visit her because she asked for and now, his whole world is upside-down. The last think he would like to hear is his ex girlfriend’s mother. Don't you think so?</p>
<p>A lesson I had to learn the hard way. Do not get too attached to your child's BF/GF.</p>
<p>
[quote]
The last think he would like to hear is his ex girlfriend’s mother. Don't you think so?
[/quote]
I do think so, cressmom. At least for now. Maybe after quite a bit of time has passed and they have both moved on.</p>
<p>It's true! And it's worst when your first impression was kicking him away, and you learn to love him after a while... At the same time, I won't be cold blooded as my mother in law than didn't even go to her sons weddings.
What did happen to you, Primetimemom?</p>
<p>Well my daughter had a boyfriend who came from a very "cold" family and he was kind of neglected. They dated for three years and he was over at our house all the time for dinner, for breakfast. He loved my peanutbutter pancakes and was so thoughtful and sweet to us. He fit right into the family and was a great influence on my daughter academically. I absolutely adored him. </p>
<p>When my daughter dumped him for another boy (in a rather cruel fashion I must say) I was more devastated than her. I am sorry to say that I sobbed like a baby and actually grieved for awhile. I realized then that I was too enmeshed with my daughter and her relationship. I have kept my distance from subsequent relationships that my kids have had. </p>
<p>After about a month when I knew the breakup was for real I did send him an email and told him what a great kid he was and that we would always remember him fondly. I think he appreciated that but I do think you need to keep your distance for awhile.</p>
<p>Oh! The same happened to me. I'm devastated because it was my daughter who dumped him, and as far as I know he did bad in his midterms because of this and he is crying in every corner (luckily, he is a very cute guy and no girl could resist to comfort him, so I hope he isn't alone). And I feel terrible upset because my daughter says that she still loves him very much. If she wanted to have my attention, she succeeded; I got distracted from the emptiness of not having my son around.</p>
<p>Cressmom:</p>
<p>I think you should realize that you only know about a 'portion' of their relationship and step out of it. There could be a lot more going on than is apparent and you should probably just trust in your D's judgment. Personally, regardless of what I felt about the guy, I'd be happy they're broken up given their young age now and especially at the beginning of the relationship.</p>
<p>I can remember back to HS days (a long time ago) and can think of many recent experiences as well where the facade of the BF/GF to the parents is quite different than the true behavior of the person. You just might be very lucky your D called it off. Again - trust your D's judgment on this. Even if it's flawed, she (and the BF) are gaining valuable life experience.</p>
<p>At you D's age, the term 'love' doesn't mean that much so I wouldn't put much credence on utterances of that word.</p>
<p>It sounds to me (a father's perspective here) that you're a bit too closely involved in this relationship between your D and her BF. If it was me, I certainly wouldn't write a note to him or become otherwise involved. This might only stress your relationship with your D.</p>
<p>Of course, they may be back together by next week.</p>
<p>Cressmom, well, a hug for you...</p>
<p>Ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad each kid is different, I agree that 14 years old is too young to start with BF, that, made us crazy for a long time, but you can’t do anything when they fall in love just to watch them closely. Most relationships don’t last too long, except many everlasting ones that I know (mine of them, already 27 years and I’m 42), so you never know the destiny. If I have to choose the right person for my D, I wouldn’t choose this kid, but I’m not my D. I’m not sure if love at that age doesn’t mean love, it meant to me, it means to the boy.<br>
Thank you katliamom for the hugs, make me feel better to know that I’m not alone.
Weighting the advices you all kindly have been given me, I wrote to this kid and I received back “thanks…love you and miss you too, and I hate you for now” and it was nice, for sure you understand what it means to me. As for her, my devilish angel, I still don’t know what to do.</p>
<p>I feel like I’m writing a journal, but somehow I need this to distract myself from the problem.
I was happy to hear that I will see my S in two weeks (he kindly comes for the weekend to wish me happy birthday), and my D’s issues came back to life. After a bittersweet farewell (it didn’t sound or mean that) with the boy, here come his parents! They should be in these forums to learn from other parents’ experiences. I know that there are hurt too, and disappointed for what my D did, but they can’t forget that they weren’t there many times they were needed. I know don’t if I should reply or just letting go.</p>