11th grader stopped going to school...

Parent Cafe
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<p>My 17 yr old son stopped attending 11th grade after winter break. He was diagnosed with "severe depression," and has started taking medication (fluoxetine) and seeing a psych once a week. His mood seems much improved, but he does not want to go back this semester. It seems the primary block at this point is "having to explain" his absence. </p>

<p>The psych does not recommend trying to force him to go back, and has suggested getting a tutor instead. His school has been really supportive, and said they will give him credit for the year if he completes requirements with a recognized tutor. The assumption is that he will start back at school in the fall.</p>

<p>We recently discussed the future, and son seemed committed to completing high school, but was not so sure about college. I mentioned the possibility of a gap year, and he seemed receptive. I don't really want to push him to go to college if he doesn't want to, but it's hard for me to accept that he would start out in life with just a HS degree. He is pretty smart, but he goes to a private school where the expectation is that all the kids will end up at prestigious colleges. His older brother is an academic superstar, and got top scores with little effort. I feel like S2 thinks he is a failure simply because he can't compete with brother/peers, and therefore does not see the point in trying.</p>

<p>Does anyone have any experience with something similar?</p>

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<p>While he is finishing out this year, consider a change of schools for the fall. If he is in a more congenial environment, he may be happier.</p>

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<p>Lots of schools offer the option of attending Senior Year only part-time (taking only the required classes) and going to communitiy college the other part of the day…perhaps this would be a good option for your son. A change of environment, taking different classes that might interest him more…and a taste of college life. Good luck</p>

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<p>I don’t know what state you live in, but to piggyback on proudmom’s comment, some community colleges have a “high school at college” program for HS juniors and seniors where they simultaneously get high school and college credit. These programs can be excellent for students who don’t quite fit in at regular high schools, and also gives them an increased sense of comfort in the college environment.</p>

<p>It’s VERY hard following a superstar older sibling. We have seen that difficulty in our family as well. It will be important to emphasize to your son that he has his own path, and that you know his path will be right for him. I think the decision of which school to attend his senior year should be his.</p>

<p>One final comment: you might even consider a continuation school. They are often seen as being full of “bad influences” but I have seen struggling kids thrive in that environment because of the personalized attention. Sometimes it’s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a medium/small fish surrounded by aquarium superstars. And his depressive episode would bring no stigma there.</p>

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<p>I’m so glad your son is responding to treatment and doing better. It sounds like the psychologist is a good match for him.<br>
I think I would just relax a bit, let him heal this semester, and get the tutor to finish up the year. Then you can look at the following fall and talk with him about how to finish high school. Don’t rush this decision. He may want to continue with a tutor instead of his highly competitive high school, or you may have a different school alternative available. Let that discussion take place after he completes this semester. One thing at a time.
I’d also put the college discussion on the back burner. See how his health is this time next year. Right now, neither he nor you are really able to access what he’ll want to do or be able to do. Even the term “gap year” implies four more years of school and may sound like pressure to your son right now. </p>

<p>While it’s hard for you to accept he’ll start out life with just a high school degree, it would be even harder to handle him being depressed and dropping out of college because he isn’t ready or healthy.
It sounds like your son has been in a hyper-achievement culture as well as watching his older sibling thrive in that culture, and the pressure is damaging to him. I think stepping way back, taking one semester at a time and being content that college will be there when he’s ready for it will take a lot of that pressure off, and help him heal. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>We have the same thing in our family with the high achieving older daughter and the much lesser achieving younger daughter with a learning disability related to a genetic disorder. Also D1 was at a very high achieving private high school and was overwhelmed with the workload. She almost had a breakdown in 8th grade, so we were very fearful of what was going to happen in high school. Fortunately (in my daughter’s case), my husband was relocated and we moved. She now attends a public high school and is much happier. She is 12th in her class of 600, and has no trouble with the workload. Maybe the pressure and workload at the current school is too intense for your son.</p>

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<p>Nothing is wrong with a gap year. I took one this year and I can say i am happy that I did. I learned how the outside world without a degree is and I was even more encourage to attend college. I worked the entire year and now I have a little extra for college</p>

<p>Sent from my SGH-T999 using CC</p>

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<p>In our state, about half of the males who start college don’t have a degree in 6 years. I tell you that as a way of saying while it may feel like “everyone” is going to college and “everyone” is graduating, they are not. Get him mentally healthy, then talk about what he wants to do. He may want to work for a few years and working in a minimum wage environment may motivate him to go to college or trade school, where it will be his idea, not yours.</p>

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<p>Can you clarify why you are talking about college now? Is it because he has to pick next years classes or something? I agree about the back burner idea.</p>

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<p>He’s diagnosed with severe depression and is much improved…YEA! hopefully things continue to improve for him.
I would go with what he wants. The school is working with you (he’s not new in their scenario–you’re son is not the only one!) and finishing this year with a tutor sounds great as an alternative.
BUT if the ONLY reason to not go back now is trying to explain his absence then come up with good words/excuses for him (something that shuts down a bunch of questions) and let him return. I would think that it would be easier in the long run.
You may be just ahead of his comfort level right now talking about college (and gap years etc.) when he’s focused right now on getting emotionally healthy. Wait a few months and then see what responses you get as he gains strength.
And please don’t jump to assumptions about older brothers success having such an effect on him. That pressure comes from parental expectations (very hard to live up to) or is self-imposed. There may be a totally different cause you don’t know about. An emphasis on his own personal talents and what HE wants to do is more helpful.</p>

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<p>I would recommend changing schools next year. Or if he really cannot face it he could drop out with a GED and start at a community college or trade school. The third choice is to homeschool (or use the tutor). Fourth is to see if he has enough credits for an early graduation. Hard to admit - but sometimes college isn’t the path our kids end up on. In some ways its better to have a mental health issue now while he is still at home than after he goes off to college and you are really powerless to help him.</p>

<p>What I wouldn’t do is recommend the military. Mental illness and guns do not mix.</p>

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<p>Both my sons suffer from severe mental illnesses. The main thing I have learned during a rough two years is that pushing them does NO good; in fact, it hurts. If your son indicates that he is not ready for college, you must accept that! You have to read between the lines, too - he might SAY he is, just to get you off of his back.</p>

<p>Our older son has just gotten out of the hospital after a three-week stay. He had to drop the three college classes he was taking. While we know he has the intellectual ability to make up what he’s missed in at least one of those classes, we are aware that he might be too fragile mentally to do it. So we are stepping back and letting him make the choice. Believe me, I know how hard it is to see your bright child not live up to the potential you know he or she has. From a health standpoint, though, you might have to.</p>

<p>Have you contacted your local NAMI chapter? Google them! They offer a wonderful 12-week program called Family-to-Family Education. It’s free and you learn a ton of useful information, plus get a lot of support from other families who are on the same journey.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There’s no road map for parents of children going through an emotional crisis. Just know that lots of kids do - and get over them.</p>

<p>My son stopped going to classes as a freshman in college after he suffered a nervous breakdown. He basically hid in his room for three months, not telling his parents anything, of course. At the end of the semester he came home deeply depressed, suffering from sleep disorders and unimaginable loss of self-confidence. </p>

<p>As Maine suggests - pushing usually doesn’t work. I did know an older boy, a junior in college, who stopped going to classes and whose parents agreed to time off, provided he either got a full time job or volunteered full time somewhere. Basically, they didn’t want him to get holed up in his room, sleep all day, and stay up nights. (The way my son did when he first got home.) In that boy’s case it worked - he was forced to be out of the house all day, he met people, he recovered his equilibrium and eventually went back to school. In my case, son’s psychologist advised against pushing him at all - besides encouraging counseling and medication. Tests showed a common learning disorder which went undiagnosed all those years due to atypical symptoms. The psychologist recommended counseling and medication. The counseling was a mixed bag: son liked the psychologist, but felt he wasn’t helping with his disorder. Meds worked wonders in son’s ability to concentrate, but didn’t address the residual feelings of depression, lack of self confidence and a sense of failure. </p>

<p>For us, recovery is far off, but son takes baby steps in the right direction. For example, he tried taking a class (math, his specialty) at the community college but freaked out during registration and didn’t actually enroll. (Of course, he didn’t tell us about that right away either.) Next semester he did get himself enrolled: we’ll see in a month or so whether he STAYED enrolled… (sigh.) Meantime he’s still very fragile. Feels like a failure - all his buddies are doing cool stuff in cool schools, and he’s the flunkie living at home.</p>

<p>If your son’s school is supportive - terrific. You’ll have that much less to deal with as you explore all options. </p>

<p>But I guess my advice right off the bat would be to show your son a lot of compassion and support right now. Let him know in no uncertain way that, at this tough moment, his happiness and sense of self are more important to you than school. Keep reminding yourself that your boy is feeling overwhelmed, scared, and rudder-less. Be his rudder. Be his buddy - guiding but supportive all the way. </p>

<p>And be glad that this happened now, and not in a year, two or later. The earlier kids learn about their psyches, their “issues”, and the way to deal with them, the better odds they’ll successfully overcome them</p>

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<p>Yes, it’s hard when they feel like failures. We make it a point to tell both our sons how proud we are of them. We know they are fighting like champions just to get through each day. THAT is worth a lot.</p>

<p>One of my CC friends put it this way, “A parent’s goal at this point is to keep the ball in play - you want them to LIVE through this stage of life, and then things should get better.” That’s a stark way of putting it, but it’s a reality for a lot of these kids.</p>

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<p>Everyone has their own gifts. For 99.9999% of the population, there will always be someone better than you. The trick is to find out what you do best, and seek that out. Do it for your own benefit, and not in competition with others.</p>

<p>Your son may not be a great all-around kid (compete with brothers/peers). I wasn’t either. But, I excel in the narrow field that I am in. I went to a state university, and I would say that I’m doing better than most of the kids I grew up with that went to ivy league schools.</p>

<p>Help your son find his passion. The top schools (in whatever field) want good kids that have a passion, not excellent kids that do not have a clue.</p>

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<p>I agree, better now than later. We downplayed the signs in high school, misinterpreted them in college, and are living with the results, one year after graduation now. FWIW, I got a lot of support on a thread I posted here, but I also caught a lot of flack about how I was handling it. In retrospect, I think it’s a very good idea to get perspective, but don’t downplay what you know abut your own child.</p>

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<p>I know one boy who was in high school with my daughter. He rarely went to class, but when he did, he did well. He finally stopped going, got a job, enrolled in community college, racked up tons of college credits while getting his GED, kept working full time, isn’t sure if he wants to go to a traditional college.</p>

<p>Another boy (a few years older) never went to college. He started sailing and now he sails rich people’s boats.</p>

<p>Another boy in her class went away to school; became withdrawn and depressed; came back home and is now working and going to community college.</p>

<p>Then there are 2 other boys who went to college but were asked to leave freshman year (one for substance abuse, one for cheating).</p>

<p>In a way (and I don’t mean to make light of your situation), your son is very lucky that he’s still at home so you can help him get through this. I think a lot of kids go to college before they’re ready and it’s heartbreaking to hear their problems from a distance. It sounds like you two have good lines of communication. Being able to discuss things openly is huge. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone for the feedback. It is reassuring to know that so many people have gone through similar situations. It’s very difficult/impossible to think clearly about this stuff when you are in the middle of it. It’s also hard as a dad to know there’s only so much you can do. But I think we are on the right path; just had a good conversation with a tutor.</p>

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<p>My son “shut down” one week into senior year of high school this past Sept. It took until January/February for him to get back to his normal spot. When he finally recovered, he wrote a letter to the colleges explaining his crash in grades and some accepted the explanation and others did not. </p>

<p>He has chosen to proceed with his college plans. </p>

<p>I am happy the crash happened before he left home so that we could help him manage the process and come back out the other side as a stronger more able person.</p>

<p>Whenever I nudged, it backfired so ultimately, it was his recovery with the help of meds.</p>

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<p>You have to take this one day at a time. Sometimes even a half of day or an hour. </p>

<p>As hard as it is not to look forward, living in the here and now and worrying about the here and now is what is a priority. </p>

<p>Frankly, his school sounds problematic but if those are his friends, perhaps you can make it work. Once he is healthy enough to look forward and talk about next year, please consider giving him the option to change schools.</p>