Senioritis + LD + Depresssion

Parents Forum
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<p>Close friends' confided that their only-child DS13 is deposit-enrolled at ED school, and experiencing "rough patch" which raises concern re: college this Fall. DS13 has diagnosed LD issues and is undergoing treatment for depression, and currently has symptoms of "senioritis", but not failing classes, partying, truant, or disciplinary problem at school. He seems undermotivated academically this term, and can be uncooperative at home. He seems worried about his college prospects too. (He's also young for his age, and turns 18 only this summer.) Parents are receiving conflicting advice about helping him. School guidance counselor wants him "living at home and attending commuter college", not desired by DS or his parents. School college advisor described him as "ready for on-campus rigorous college experience" despite LD issues, and encouraged ED, but not likely aware of current concerns. DS' psychologist recommends "out-of-town on-campus experience if competent counselling available; meanwhile let's see". DS' psychiatrist has prescribed medication for ADD and depression, but without notable results so far. Seems like there are a lot of professional opinions, but not necessarily consensus.</p>

<p>There are several local commuter-friendly colleges, which could be on-campus closer-to-home experiences. ED school is 5 hours away, not known for LD services but has reputation as "kinder" school. Local community college is of poor-quality, and not a good option.</p>

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<p>Sounds like this kid is receiving too much help and opinions from everyone else trying to run his life.</p>

<p>Seriously, if I were the parents, I would drop all the outsiders who are “helping.” I would ask my son what he wants to do. And then I would let him go for it. Perhaps some of his problems are just being micromanaged by so many people like that. The parents have the psychiatrist, the counselor, the school, and you all in his business, and whomever else. This is hurting him. They should drop everything and see if he is ready to fly. He just might be ready!</p>

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<p>So we have a college advisor, a school counselor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, friends of the parents, and whomever else, weighing in on what the child should do. THAT is the problem!!! Seriously! I feel very strong about this. That child should have more say than the rest. And the rest all need to butt out.</p>

<p>I get tons of advice on what my children should be doing. Everyone has their opinions. Not everyone is going to be happy. I am the parent. The rest can butt out. This child needs to be freed from the pressure of everyone else opinions. His head is probably spinning from all this.</p>

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<p>Oh my. I do tend to agree with lmkh70. Too many people weighing in on this poor “only.” Has anyone asked the kid what he wants? Has anyone asked if anything is bothering him outside of being a 17-18 male, a senior, heading off to college…which in and of itself makes even the most rock stable of kids turn into jello.</p>

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<p>They’re a family in our spec ed parents’ group. Did you all miss the “LD+depression”?</p>

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<p>No, but LD is a pretty broad term and you didn’t speak to the high school accommodations or if the depression is newly diagnosed. If he’s young and already admitted at an ED college perhaps the parents can defer for one year if they feel he’s not stable or he chose a college that won’t have what he needs. Some basic signs of college readiness are an ability to get one’s self up and out the door in the morning, an ability to manage schoolwork without constant supervision, an ability to make reasonable decisions on one’s own etc. Many seniors are emotional. 17 and 18 boys can be uncooperative as they break away. And plenty of kids lose drive academically by mid-senior year…</p>

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<p>This is a case where I think parents need to realize that a perfect decision is not possible, since noone can foretell the future, and that no decision is irrevocable. The son can make one choice, and then find that it is not working, and make another one. Life is flexible, and resilience is possible. The important thing is to take a step forward, and not get stuck.</p>

<p>So, if the kid goes to a college 5 hours away, with what seems like appropriate support, but it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. If the kid is a year too young and wants to wait a year, and ask the school to hold his place while he does a gap year, that is also okay. If he attends community college or does online courses or continuing education while staying at home, then building strength to leave, that is okay. Community colleges are often very helpful in situations like these, and classes can be taken online. Not a bad way to plow through some distribution requirements while maturning for a year. If he goes to another college closer to home (if there is one), that is supportive, that would be great. Also, there are school with reputations for being great with LD; Landmark obviously, and in my area, New England College, Curry and Lesley (I’m sure there are more even in my area, let alone nationally, and it is possible these schools would allow for more independence, and more distance from home). </p>

<p>How much support is the son receiving from the school and/or parents, now?</p>

<p>Does the SPED-PAC have resources, in terms of college lists? There must be books on this subject.</p>

<p>Depression is a concern, of course. I am assuming that some treatment is underway.To be very blunt, as long as a depressed adolescent stays alive (meaning avoids suicide), mistakes can be helpful to growth, so, as long as that is not an imminent danger, and he has an adult counselor of some sort to check in with, he should be allowed to make his choices, and then receive lots of support whether they work out or don’t. </p>

<p>I don’t want to minimize these challenges and do want to emphasize that it is very possible that it will take a few tries to get this right, and that they should relax with that, hard as that may be.</p>

<p>p.s. one of my kids has already worked her way through three of the above choices and seems to be on a good path for now-it did take awhile…</p>

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<p>I did not miss the LD plus depression part. But, both are broad statements. And both can be overblown. An LD is just a difference. By mere definition of learning disability, you cannot be DX’d with it unless you have a higher than average IQ. Technically, the cog abilities in one area have to be at least 1-2 standard deviations from the overall IQ or abilities. There are only 7 deviations. The 4th is average. If you have an overall ability in the 3rd, then it would pretty mucb be impossible for you to have an LD that puts you that low without making you incapable. I have a friend whose child is at the low end of the 4th, and he cannot be dx’d with learning disabilities because he is in the 3rd for reading and math. So he cannot get the extra help through the schools. However, someone who is in the 5th, 6th, or 7th can easier be dx’d with an LD.</p>

<p>And back to that, I get soooo tired of people who throw around the term LD as if it suddenly makes a child a defect. I am not at all saying you are doing this. But just because he cannot read as well as do math, or whatever it is that he has going on, big deal! That does not prevent his ability to go to college.</p>

<p>And the depression. I think most of society can be said to have depression. Sometimes it is chemical. Sometimes it is situational. Sometimes, it is both. But that is such a broad term.</p>

<p>It does not change the situation that this family has 1 child total. And they seem to be so hyper focused on this child and what is “wrong” with him, that they cannot fathom what could be right with him. They seem to be running all over the place getting opinions from ever kind of person and specialist they can. If they went to 5 different psychistrists, they would get 5 different opinions. </p>

<p>Nicely put…these people should find something else to occupy their minds. Read the article here on hyper parents make their children depressed. Perhaps the child is getting depressed from all the focus on what is wrong with him and all the trips to all the specialists to try to “fix” him. I really think he needs to be left alone.</p>

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<p>lmkh70: you’re lack of empathy is duly noted. You’ve formulated such negative opinions about these parents based upon a short post. I do know this student, and I respect his parents’ concerns. I was hoping to hear back from parents who’ve direct experience with similar situations, not to get barked at.</p>

<p>compmom: thank you, and I’ll share your observations.</p>

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<p>I actually think considerable focus on a child with LD and depression in senior year is appropriate. I don’t think we can tell if their level of focus is appropriate or not from the information given. Gathering opinions from professionals, some of whom were involved by the school, can help if it doesn’t overwhelm the autonomous decision-making of the student and family.</p>

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<p>higgins, I’m glad you are going to share compmom’s thoughts. She is right on.</p>

<p>We went through some hard times with our older son after he came close to a psychotic break at the end of his first semester in college (first time anything like this had ever happened with him). We also got advice thrown at us from many people. Because he wanted to and he had an excellent doctor, we let him stay at his OOS school for one year, then he started the second year there. Within a week, he was doing so poorly that his doctor saw him and told him to either go straight to the hospital or take the next plane home (literally!). My mom rushed him to the airport and he got home safely.</p>

<p>It’s now been a year and a half and he is doing well at our local, small school. My point to sharing this is that we had to come to the realization that we have to make the best decisions we can, based on the input of DS and professionals. After that, WE CANNOT LOOK BACK AND SECOND GUESS WHAT WE DID!! I cannot stress this strongly enough. We have even had friends question our decision. That doesn’t do anybody any good. Everything is SO much clearer in hindsight, but that is not real life. higgins, if you have any specific questions, feel free to PM me. I am trying to reach out to as many people as I can who are going through mental health issues, because I know how tough they are. Hugs to your friends!</p>

<p>Depression is nothing to fool around with. That is one thing I have learned! Kids and adults die from it. It is a horrible illness (both of my sons suffer from it, along with other mental illnesses). It was a CC mother who told me, “At this point in their lives, the goal is to keep the ball in play,” meaning keeping them alive. If they don’t go straight through college, that does not matter at all.</p>

<p>Oops, I’m getting myself worked up, so I’d better stop.</p>

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<p>I agree with Compmom. The people inside the school see the student in an learning and social environment and can often add valuable commentary although in my experience they tended to be more conservative about expectations. I have a LD son who consistently outperformed the ‘people inside the schools’ expectations. They were hesitant to let him tackle rigorous classes with heavy reading and time and time again he blew their expectations out of the water. It seemed annually I was saying “let him do it if he wants to.” But…that is his personality and I know him well from that perspective and he is able to clearly articulate to me and anyone who will listen what his goals are. He is a competitive soul who constantly sets a high mark for himself academically and in sports. And finally he is a happy kid who is mature beyond his years, more so than his non-LD brothers. The parents can listen to the people inside the school and balance that with what they ‘know’ about their son. The depression would be concerning to me…is it grounded in fear of leaving a safe environment, is it grounded in misgivings about ability.</p>

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<p>The common element to our spec ed parents group is that we’re parents of teens who are “at risk” due to LD, AS, depression, and/or other psychological-related disability issues. In this instance, DS13 wants to go away to college but is emotionally immature and not as independent as he imagines himself to be, in addition to noted diagnoses. College is only six months away; new concerns arose regarding his ability to function without parental monitoring, even though parents would like him to have full choice.</p>

<p>This student far exceeded expectations for HS, but that forward trajectory may not necessarily continue without challenges or complications, right? We’re concerned in regards to our own DS too.</p>

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<p>I would also wonder if the student is worried about going to college and being away from the supportive people in his life. Perhaps he is feeling ambivalent to the idea of leaving home. He was admitted ED, so to an outsider he would appear capable and successful, but who knows how he feels about himself? I too would be very concerned about the symptoms of depression and that would be most important issue to resolve. I have a DS Junior, who had an IEP and now a 504, and understand the need to be vigilant. I am always trying to strike the right balance between advocating and letting my DS be independent. I think as parents we want nothing more than to see our almost adult children fly and then hopefully, soar on their own.</p>

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<p>Actually, there is no lack of empathy. I have BTDT. But when you list off several people who have been consulted and are doing everything from giving opinions to medicating the child, then, simply being under that kind of microscope for anyone, is a problem. Just because he has any sort of LD or depression does not make him less of a person. What he has a drive to do matters a lot. But it sounds like in addition to all these professionals, they have an entire special education support group chiming in, AND, the opinions of everyone here who would give one. </p>

<p>TOO many people are giving opinions on this child. ALL that is being talked about is is what is wrong with him, not what is right with him. Since opinions are still being solicited, by people from every direction they can be gotten from, and the directions the friends of the parents can go to, then MY opinion is that there are too many opinions! And THIS is likely to be a much bigger problem than any LD or depression. I am sure if the parents were forced to, they could perhaps come up with at least one good thing to say about their son, if not many good things. But, when opinions on what to do with this child, who will be 18 yrs old in a few months, a legal adult, these opinions are being sought from so many professions, members of a support group, and then friends and acquaintances of members of that support group, well…too many opinions are being sought after!</p>

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<p>"too many opinions are being sought after! " - When a teen has concerning issues, there often are many helpers in the loop. It is darned frustrating (parents become the de- facto case workers), but often necessary. </p>

<p>In our case a few years ago with DD it was not how we wanted things to evolve. But therapists/psychologists can’t prescribe meds. And psychiatrists rarely do counseling. (And all seem to do a lot of referrals for testing etc.) We also had arranged a prepaod college coach because we didn’t know all the other stuff would turn into a long term thing - we just wanted to ensure a good fit, unstressed college situation. The typical hs helpers also need to be in the mix. </p>

<p>I feel for Op’s friend. In senior year you are running out of runway to figure things out… and the stakes are high when troubled kids are on their own at college.</p>

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<p>Colorado mom,
How did you go about finding a prepaid college coach? We may need one in the future.</p>

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<p>To me, there is a financial angle to this. Why is a gap year not being considered? Not just a sit around year, but a do something year. The student in question is young anyway.</p>

<p>For my family, having a disastrous year, that may have been predictable, would be a huge strain financially. This is especially true if the student in question might “recover” and do well later and still need 4 years at a college that was a good fit.</p>

<p>One question that the parents can ask themselves, is can they see this child functioning well in a roommate and dorm situation. If the answer is “no” then it is a no brainer, the student isn’t ready and a different situation needs to be developed.</p>

<p>The lack of motivation is probably tied to the depression and there probably is an anxiety component to this as well. I would want my child to be better and well functioning before I sent them off anywhere. But that is just me.</p>

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<p>I’m wondering why LMKH’s so negative here. Parents have asked for advice from parents with similar experiences. Their DS13 is ED-committed at a school which seemed a good fit in Fall, but DS13’s emotional state seems different now in late Winter. Parents are supportive; know DS’ “strengths”. Regarding “too many opinions”, well there are two different-issue school-assigned counselors (assigned to all students), a psychiatrist treating his depression/anxiety, and a psychologist now providing talk therapy. That seems normal roster for a HS student w/noted issues.</p>

<p>DS13 may have “separation anxiety”, with him trying to establish “independence” while realizing that there’s valid “dependence” upon his family and current school environment. Neither he nor his parents want him home for an unprogrammed year in lieu of college. Aside from expensive foreign travel “gap year” experiences, does anyone have any specific suggestions? Anyone have experience w/“post-grad” pre-college academic experiences? Anyone have experience deferring ED enrollment to allow “gap year”, or to find another perhaps more appropriate local college? </p>

<p>Also, regarding a “gap year” comprised of full-time work, we’re in an area of high unemployment for HS-only grads. Conventional minimum-wage jobs here are often filled by underemployed college grads and older experienced workers, so “working for a year” while a great idea may not be so easy to implement.</p>

<p>Anyone have a success story to share regarding a HS student’s similar “rough patch” that was successfully navigated during college?</p>

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<p>It is not that I am being negative. You asked for those who have experience. I do. Now, my son has not started college yet. But I was posting here, on this very board, just months ago, how worried I was about my son going off to college, and has all these “issues.”</p>

<p>In the end, after having so many people injecting their opinions, and I was personally stressed, I mean…aunts and uncles, and school counselors, and so on, no one had the same opinion. The first high school we went to, they just focused on his issues. They said for a child like him, we should not even think about college. With kids like him, we should just be happy if they graduate high school. I knew my son was smart and I did not like what they were saying. It reminded me of myself in high school. I had lost my mother and ended up in foster care. I was frequently called “kids like that” because I was in foster care. There are a lot of myths about kids in foster care, including the idea that foster children are criminals. They are not. They are just kids who, for whatever reason, do not have parents to live with. I was told many times over that I shouldn’t think about college. I should even drop out of high school and get a GED. Most foster kids did that, but it was not because they were not smart, it is was because the foster system kicks kids out on their 18th birthday back then and most people had not graduated yet. And the social workers always assumed that anyone who was in foster care was just not worthy of college and we all had “goals” to have to be employed full time by our 18th birthday. It is rather hard to keep up with high school when working fulltime and living on your own. I was a national merit scholar (which didn’t matter to anyone it seemed). And I had an end of July birthday. So, I was able to be off at college before I turned 18 (I started in June). But, for me, I watched so many around me, who were smart, get told over and over again that they will not go to college, they should not think about college, because “kids like them” need to focus on getting jobs and supporting them. They were flat out told they were not smart enough for college (I was told that too) and that kids like us, simply were not the sorts who went to college. I ignored everyone and went to college, and graduated, and even went to grad school. </p>

<p>Back to my son, he has PDD-NOS. He has had a lot of health issues. He has an IEP. And thing is, a lot of people have told him he can’t this or that. In kindergarten, his ped said that we would be lucky if he graduated. Heck, at birth, we were told he would not live through the day. He is 18 now, and graduating this year, and got in to every college he applied for, with scholarships. </p>

<p>Toward the beginning of this school year, I was in a panic. Heck, I think I even made posts as recent as a few months ago. My son can’t do this! What if he fails! I am worried!! etc etc etc.</p>

<p>After thinking about it extensively, I realize the truth. All my anxiety, and all the degrading opinions of others, is what is really getting him down. I asked him flat out, do you even want to be on these meds? He said no, they didn’t help at all. He only took them because I told him to. He stopped the meds. His grades did not go down. Well, he is not going to the psych anymore because he is not on the meds, so, no more opinions from there. I heard from his teachers who gave him his recommendations. I mentioned to one that I was worried about how well he will do in college. He told me his mom worried about him too. But he sees himself in my son and he knows my son will do great. Even the school counselor told me that I need to stop worrying so much and that I might be surprised at how far wanting to be there will get someone. My son really really wants to be at his top choice college, which he got in to, with scholarship. He said that is 90% of what is needed.</p>

<p>I realized now, what my son is going through, is what I went through. Different issues, same experience. I was a foster child, he is a child with autism spectrum disorder. For both of us, society thinks that we won’t be good enough, we can’t handle things, and they focus on everything negative, and cannot even see the positive.</p>

<p>I stepped back and “forced” myself to notice the good things. My son really goes with the flow on things (he has autism spectrum disorder, people expect the opposite out of him), he has more friends at school than his sister (a high achiever that everyone expects the world from), and he can pass tests without opening a book. (THAT actually worries me, what if he does not open a book in college?).</p>

<p>But I realize, if I did to him what others tried to do to me…which is limit his going off to college, continue telling him what is wrong with him rather than what was right with him (which is what I was doing even a few months ago), then when HE fails, I will be the one failing, because I never let him live. I never had any faith in him. I would be the one who held him back.</p>

<p>This board has been a lot of help. I took my son out from under the microscope and have focused on finding him a winter coat and treating him like any other person going off to college. And his depression is lifting! Maybe the changing moment was finding him in his room, crying. Because he felt like he cannot handle it. AND, I think he perhaps felt this way because of ME. Because I had him under a constant microscope and was always focusing on what was wrong with him. Just like what was done with me. Fortunately for me, I did not have parents who didn’t think I could succeed. So I at least did not have that pulling me back. And my grandparents, who lived in another state (which, in my state, back then, they did not place foster kids with out of state grandparents), had a lot of faith in me.</p>

<p>Maybe it won’t work out. Maybe it will. But if I don’t have any faith in him, who will? He definitely won’t. </p>

<p>So realize, my advice is not angry, nor is it negative. It is reflective. And you did ask for advice from someone who has BTDT. Well, that would be me. If you still think that is just me being mean, then perhaps you should reflect yourself on why you feel that way. But I hope I have cleared up some of my advice for you. I seriously do think that spending that much time on seeing what is wrong with a child, and seeking advice from tons of people on what to do with this kid, is a very bad idea. ANd no where in all these posts has their been anything good said about him. The ONLY thing any of us know about him is that he has some sort of LD and some sort of depression. And that child is way more than just his DX.</p>

<p>By the way, I bared a lot of me in this post in hopes of helping you and being more clear. Hopefully, you can seriously consider it and not lash back at me. I do care, so much that I would share such personal details with you…on a public board at that!</p>