senioritis may ruin all

Parent Cafe
1

My son has been accepted at a good university well suited to his abilities, talents (gifted, music skills), but due to senioritis, is talking very firmly and stubbornly about deferring his admission til the next year. He says he’ll get a job at a local retail store (he’s been eligible to do so for 2yrs since turning 16, but never has, so this is a BS ruse to my mind). He says he’s “burned out,” “not motivated,” and this is his sole reason.

This is unacceptable to me. Motivation is a *choice. He wont earn bupkiss doing retail, but expects to live at home (exspouse’s house). I would cancel internet and cable tv, downgrade his smartphone to a granny model (no text/features, limited minutes for essential calls only)–all these are under my control. Further, exspouse agrees to no guests and paying rent of 1/2 his earnings, but will not put him out to make shift on his own.

Slacking off for a year for no other reason than laziness by choice-- motivation is a choice-- will, in my understanding, screw opportunities to get loans/funding. As these are essential, this means “a year off” becomes never going to college. Be clear, this is not a year that will be utilized productively, past the (frankly not likely) chance of his even being able to secure a lowpaying retail gig.

May i hear yr thoughts? I am of course especially interested in how others overcame a similar situation and saw their child situated in college on-track in the fall after HSgraduation. Discussion of the ways in which slacking off for a year are detrimental/counterproductive. And articulate discussions/counters to claims of “senioritis,” “burned out,” “not motivated.”

Thank you.

2

What would you rather do - 1) let him take a gap year, save your tuition money, 2) force him go to school when he is not motivated and waste your hard earned money?
He will very quickly be bored working at a minimum wage job when all of his friends are in college. They will be sharing stories about their college and your son will tell his exciting stories working at minimum wage job.
If he is not motivated in going to school now, I would let him take a gap year. When he is ready to go college I would set a minimum requirement for you to continue to pay for his college. As long as he is working during the gap year, I would let him live at home, contribute to living expenses. This maybe a good way for him to grow up and appreciate what he has.

3

The irony is we would love for our kid to take a gap year. He is smart and about as mature and focused as his peers----which means not very. We would love for him to travel, learn a language, do something completely different and on his own. We think after a year off he would return with greater direction

4

How about visiting the university he has been accepted to and perhaps staying overnight? That might motivate him.

5

Many kids do a ‘gap year’. As long as he isn’t playing video games the whole time…

6

I think the idea of being burned out is valid, especially with the demands a lot of high achieving high school students face these days. I am a big fan of gap years if the time is used constructively and working full-time, even in a more menial job, counts. Sitting home and watching tv and playing computer games would not in my book. My guess is working at the local retail store will reinforce the importance of getting a college degree in order to do something more interesting for the rest of his life.

Colleges support gap years for a reason.

Here’s some stuff worth reading:
https://college.harvard.edu/admissions/preparing-college/should-i-take-time
http://www.middlebury.edu/admissions/apply/gapyear

My suggestion is to let your son take a year off. Ask him to outline in writing his plan for the year. It could entail that retail job as well as other things like volunteer work, internships, travel, independent research on topics that interest him, reading some great literature, self studying a language or another subject, taking cooking classes, doing woodworking, working out…I could go on but you get the idea.

As far as finances go, has he received merit aid? Financial aid? Talk to the college. Merit aid or scholarships can usually be deferred along with his acceptance. Financial aid, you would just reapply. It shouldn’t be a problem to get it again if family finances are the same. Talking to the college will get you some answers. our son wouldn’t be the first one to go that route.

Life is not a race nor does one need to climb on the treadmill with everyone else to have a successful life. A year will mean nothing to the end game, and if it refreshes your son, its worth it.

7

We’ve visited the University several times as it’s only abt an hour away – tours, auditions-- and they were great times. Everything was Go til today!

And come to find his so-called “guidance counselor” has been encouraging him to this! That’s the $#!* service you get from having only 1 GC for over 800students in his HS! Is it not their JOB to *guide students toward success, which means staying on-track and attending college??

There will be no internet, no computer (he can borrow my laptop or go to library for business), no gaming system. No luxuries, no incentives, no rewarding this behavior. I/we have been and will continue to be supportive and even indulgent when it is earned and he is on-track, but this choice would end that.

I also know that he would not do all the good things that might comprise a positive gap year. He wants to slack off, do a pokey lil low-impact job and thinks that the world will wait and be there when he’s ready. Zero motivation. I do not live with him FT and exspouse is of no use other than as noted above.

8

It’s worth checking with the college to see whether this is what will actually happen. Some colleges are very supportive of students who take gap years and will give them the same financial aid a year from now that they would have gotten now (assuming that the family financial situation doesn’t change).

If he takes only one year off, it will.

And the experience of working in a routine retail job can be a good one – one that will probably motivate him to go to college the following year so that he will have a wider variety of career choices than many of his work colleagues have.

9

I’m not sure how the university visits an hour away factor into your son’s thinking. Are you saying he doesn’t want ot leave home for college? Or is it because he is burnt out as you initially stated? I’m sure you’re confused by his sudden change in plans but I would suggest, once you calm down, having a more detailed discussion with him on why he wants a year off.

Have you read the statements from Middlebury and Harvard that I linked?

Why do you see his working locally as slacking off? Why do feel that taking one year off is so horrible? I’ve seen burnt out kids in college develop mental health issues and other problems. I’d prefer my children to go to college when they are ready to do their best work. Under what conditions would you consider letting him take a year off?

10

Yes.

Wrong.
Life is NOT a “one size fits all” journey. Some people DO get burned out and need a year away. I knew plenty of people that did this and are now graduated and doing fantastic.

This honestly sounds very vindictive. Have you thought that maybe something else is going on? Maybe his GC knows something you don’t. Maybe he’s feeling anxious or depressed and is too afraid to tell you (and if this is your attitude in real life, I’d be afraid to talk to you about it, too.)

11

Could you encourage a service-based gap year? like Ameri-corps or something?
Is there a HS girlfriend in the picture?
Or say “Fantastic! You can contribute more to your tuition!!”

12

OP, hugs to you…I can tell that you’re angry but you’re also scared…and frustrated…and completely feeling helpless. i know it’s a tough time.

13

Maybe your son is just overwhelmed. If you can stay calm, and don’t make a big fuss, it could be possible that this idea of a gap year will blow over.

In the meantime, I suggest you search on this forum for gap year and read up on how different families have used the gap year successfully.

Then, search for stories on mental illness in college, and read some of the sad stories of students who couldn’t handle the pressures of college life. Parents saying “I wish we hadn’t pushed him so hard, I thought he could handle it.”

There is lots of good information on this forum, I encourage you to invest some time reading.

Then, plan to just spend some time with your child. Doing something fun that has nothing to do with college or academics. Tell him you love him and are proud of him. If you can make him feel safe, he may be willing to open up and be honest with what’s going on inside his head.

14

I don’t think its worth forcing any student to attend college at all. And what you are proposing in post 6 is punitive in nature. Do you want a relationship with this kid…or not? It sounds like it’s your way or the highway. And right now…you are backing him against a wall.

I would suggest dropping the subject for at least two weeks…that means NO discussion at all. After the two week period, have your SON revisit his college and other options. Then let HIM make a choice.

I wouldn’t pay a dime for tuition, room, board, fees, books, etc. for a student who has made up his mind he doesn’t want to go to college.

You do know…getting a college degree is a journey, not a race. Many people do not do it on the four year plan.

I think you need to think long and hard about what your forceful opinion about this will do to your relationship,with your son.

He is right. The world will still be there in a year…or two…or five.

15

I informed my parents in the spring of 1982, after I had acceptances and scholarship offers, that I didn’t want to go to college after all. It didn’t take much menial labor to convince me otherwise. I didn’t like school much better as an undergraduate, but I still graduated with honors. I got a Master’s and am now probably at my professional peak. I was severely depressed in high school, and really needed that year.

16

I also discussed taking a gap year with my son. The work load with all the AP classes and stress of high school for kids working to get into a highly selective school has been so grueling. I wanted him to have a life for a year and just refresh/regroup and reenergize. I was concerned that he would not be ready for college with the grueling pace he has been on. His response was “if I’m not ready this fall, I don’t know when I’ll ever be.”

I would be very supportive of a gap year but I understand the concern about possibly getting off track. I think my son shares that concern as well.

Forcing your son to go when he says he needs a break seems to be a set up for failure though.

17

Someone suggested we visit, hence my comments on having done so.

I will pursue the financial ramifications of his desired time-off, with the university’s FinAid office, to confirm what the impact would be. Perhaps my assumption that no loan officer would give money to a kid who sat on his duff for a year, is indeed erroneous.

Yes, i read the articles (interesting that this will be the first in 5generations that no-one in my family will attend Middlebury). They seem geared towards students w/means to travel, etc, and self-motivation to make great use of the time --very much not this situation. If i had any confidence that he’d use the time productively I’d be far more sanguine.

I read to him your various ideas of a written gap-year plan or performing social service: he scoffed. He has been clear that he intends to “slack off,” his words: “that’s the point.”

There is no GF, nor much of a social group, as he is a loner. The only schooling amongst friends is PT attendance at community college, none with a declared major. They’ve introduced him to pot in last few months, since Xmas, and his father allows this without much regulation, so there’s that too. Full disclosure, i’ve smoked on occasion too, but I’m 50+ and not around kids!

Not vindictive. Wow. What an awful accusation against a loving mom who’s fearful for her son’s wellbeing! I am as engaged, supportive and appropriately indulgent within my seriously limited means, as anyone could be. I love my son deeply and have his back 110% when he is on track, and he knows it. i know my son, and i think that clearly communicated expectations and boundaries, as well as consequences, are important.

It is not vindictive to not reward/encourage counterproductive behaviors, when expectations, boundaries and consequences have been clearly communicated. Nor are the consequences i have established inappropriate: if he chooses to not go to school and to slack off, he will have a basic phone for essential communications, but i/we will not provide luxuries like computer, internet, tv, gaming, hosting guests. He can pay for those privileges out of his remaining half minimum wage, after his dad takes rent.

If he attends school – heck, i might even be convinced if his plan was other than slacking off!-- he would continue to enjoy privileges like a smartphone, a laptop for school, internet, cable and taking gaming gear, living in a nice dorm with a great meal plan, a petty cash allowance…

I am watching an intellectually gifted, musically gifted kid jeopardize his future based on “motivation.” And I’m genuinely surprised that other parents seem on-board with taking time off to intentionally slack off – Seriously, who gets to “take time off” from Real Life?? would your job still be there if you just slacked off for a year?? Employers hire workers who stay on track and perform , not slackers.

Maybe being raised in a comfortable NewEngland Work Ethic background-- where i was clearly expected to go to college, never an item for discussion whatsoever-- only to fall to poverty-level since ending my marriage, having to scramble for employment, even being temporarily homeless (yes it happens to nice, BFA-holding, hardworking ScoutDenMother and PTArep people like me and *believe how awful that has been, couchsurfing and being dependent upon flat out charity) has given me a negatively-skewed point of view regarding laziness and risk taking.

Not far off that i might project my stresses and fears upon the idea of not keeping nose to grindstone – that seems too risky to me, when my wonderful son’s future is at stake. Stepping outside the box, off the track is for a privileged few. I want him to be secure, and the path to that is through choosing to self-motivate, work, get an education that prepares one for a viable career.

I hope i have addressed all items. Thanks to all, despite the disparities that may be in our worldviews, because any sort of enlightenment helps. Please keep the ideas coming-- I prayerfully look for that satori moment where some accord may be found. Again, thank you.

18

There are big consequences of arriving on campus unable or unwilling to do the work. Wasted tuition is one aspect of it, and accumulating a mediocre or worse transcript while possibly facing academic probation or expulsion can be a lot to navigate.

I get your concerns and have had a student take a few detours and land on his feet. If this were my kid, I’d take the fall plans out of the equation for now and try to understand how he is feeling and what is on his mind. I’d try to just listen. Is he afraid to leave? Did he just get a bad grade or have a falling out with a friend? Is his girlfriend younger and upset he is leaving? Is he himself- eating and sleeping as usual, or has he lost interest in many things that used to matter to him?

You could be his ally by supporting him in whatever is most helpful to him now. This is a common age for depression to raise its head; if it happens to be part of what is going on, you want to facilitate his access help ASAP. Many kids want or need a gap year, for lots of good ressons. It is far preferable to trying to re-group from a pre-mature start at college. If you find your own stress level climbing as you try to figure out how to work this out, there are supportive counsellors who could help reduce tensions and perhaps make for easier communication with your son. This stuff pushes parental buttons and we can benefit from some input to make it easier, too.

Best to each of you.

19

here is a thread I came across that may be helpful:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1759898-guide-for-gap-year-planners.html

20

His guidance counselor may not be wrong. I went to a private school, and I was one of fifty seniors my guidance counselor had-and he encouraged me to take a gap year, get my head on straight, and consider college again in a year. I didn’t listen to him because I was afraid of being seen as lazy, and it’s worked out all right for me-I have a 3.7ish, and I’ve applied to transfer schools, but a gap year could’ve been a great thing for me. Even if I was only “slacking off” and working full-time at my minimum job. I could’ve done some soul searching, realized what I really wanted, and started at the right school straight off the bat.

Talk to your son. Burnout is real. I was working full-time in high school on top of courses-believe me, school can wear you down. At the same time, three months of summer break is a long time. He may recover and be able to start in the fall.

Does he like his school? Has he recieved more than one acceptance?