18 year olds and "independence? Need advice

Parents Forum
1

<p>Any parents with experience with an 18 yo HS Senior deciding to declare their "independence" and moved out of the house ----right in the middle of college applications/deadlines, scholarships, etc? Refusing to communicate with family.
Very egocentric child---adult would not be the right word to describe this student. Thinks only a $50,000/year college will do-- anything less would ruin the their future.</p>

<p>Suggestions, advice, experience to share appreciated. I am supporting a family member who is going through all of this.</p>

2

<p>In my opinion, this student should not be able to expect lots of financial support from parents when acting this way. A year off with trying to support him or herself seems to be warranted. When she or he grows up, then it will be time to apply for college and to figure out finances and possible choices.</p>

3

<p>This child needs to understand that he will NOT be considered independent for financial aid purposes. If he alienates his parents, he can expect absolutely 0 in help paying for college - and the federal government will expect that his family will contribute. In other words, he will be out of luck.</p>

4

<p>If this student feels that he's so grown that he can live on his own, that's exactly the way I would treat the kid. Cut off the finances. Shut up about the deadlines for college applications and forms. Don't fill out the FAFSA. Let the kid "be grown"--let him learn by his own mistakes. If this means that the student doesn't go to college right out of high school, too bad. It sounds as though this kid needs a reality check that can only be learned by his/her own mistakes. Let the kid make and live by his/her own mistakes. The only thing that's going to get through to a "thick head" is to wait for him/her to realize their actions have consequences. Do not indulge a spoiled brat.</p>

5

<p>Agree with nysmile. It is not the end of the world if he goes through the whole process and then finds out that he can't go next year and needs to take a year off because he thought he could get money from somewhere that was not there. Call it a gap year if it makes parents feel better. But it is time for a reality check. Passed time really but better now than going through this the whole college career or after.</p>

6

<p>Thanks for the prompt replies. My comment to the situation was to cut him off---no more communication, financial help, etc. Family member has made all the attempts to resolve situation but student refuses to listen. I hadn't thought about a gap year. Good idea. I think letting this kid figure it out on their own will have him realizing it isn't easy on your own and come crawling back begging for forgiveness. Even when/if that happens, I remain firm in my belief that family member must not back down from their stance on what they are willing to contribute to college costs.</p>

7

<p>I agree - I think it is important that the family not contribute a dime. In addition, if they have not completed the FAFSA/submitted required tax forms/etc., they should not do so.</p>

8

<p>Does this kid think that by doing this he is going to qualify as an independent for financial aid purposes? He is in for a heck of a shock. Which sounds like it will be very good for him!</p>

<p>I agree with the other posters. Sounds like he needs to learn the hard way and grow up a lot. And I do hope the family member does stick to their guns about what they are able to pay for college rather than caving in to this sort of blackmail.</p>

9

<p>This makes me think of the comedian who used to say, "Homey don't play that."</p>

<p>I do wonder whether there is more here than a kid pitching a fit because mommy and daddy won't fork over big bucks. Has he always been a spoiled ingrate?</p>

10

<p>I don't think this was done in order to get any financial aid. This kid has always been arrogant and "looking down their nose" at authority. I am sure there is more to the story but this is all I know.</p>

11

<p>parents may also want to give his guidance counsellor a "heads up" about the situation... so that he/she doesn't inadvertently sabotage the parents decision. GC may also be able to explain to the kid about how just leaving home doesn't make him independent in the eyes of fafsa.</p>

12

<p>Interesting thread. Someone (a girl, so I suppose not the same as OP's student) at my D's school just did that too. She's living with 'friends' for now. I don't know how long it is going to last. Is this common?</p>

13

<p>I know my BIL moved out of the house his senior year and ended up joining the army. Or maybe he was drafted, not sure.</p>

14

<p>I have a friend whose child ran away, fabricated abuse claims (And not for the first time!), and was taken in by an enabling family (who were completely taken in by this fraud) and became an emancipated minor. (Of course, the child made sure to land with a family that was not only deluded but wealthy, so that they could do things such as give the child a new car as a gift. This child was not about to spend one moment in a teen shelter or the like.) Eventually the parents--who were trying to get the kid into therapy, at least--were advised by professionals not to fight it, because it was a virtual certainty that the abuse claims would be escalated if the child was thwarted, and the reputations and lives of the parents would be fully destroyed. </p>

<p>This brilliant but sociopathic brat--who is not only a habitual liar, but a thief who has stolen from many friends of the parents and even from the woman who cleans the "foster" family's house (naturally they say there's no proof)--was rewarded with special entrance to an elite school plus enormous FA. The parents were thwarted at every turn by the school administration and by teachers, and of course when emancipation was achieved they were no longer informed of anything. </p>

<p>It appeared that attaining emancipated minor status was a plot dreamed up with the kid's SO, largely for the purpose of attaining a full ride instead of making a contribution, as the parents expected. This child complained that the parents "wasted" resources paying for an older sibling to go to college, even though the sibling's grades weren't as good. Apparently the child felt that all monies should be reserved for him/her because s/he was "better." </p>

<p>Frankly, it is a story that is hard to credit, but I can assure you that it is true. (And btw, the child has admitted after the fact that the abuse claims were false.)</p>

15

<p>I've been trying to find a rational way to defend this kid -- he's just eighteen after all. But I can't. Separating from family is an extreme action, and I can't find a basis for doing anything but supporting the kid's decision. He's moved on, and parents should treat him accordingly. If the kid wants to reconsider his decision he can contact his parents.</p>

16

<p>i feel for the parents but have no advice, no experience with this.</p>

<p>But I suppose though it would be hard to let go, I guess I would. I would keep the doors open if/when the kid wants to come back, but it would have to be on my terms.</p>

<p>I have dear friends whose S one day joined the service and that was that. He is back and now going to school. He learned a lot...</p>

<p>Maybe best to let him go</p>

17

<p>Mainly because I was pulled out of my hometown at 16, missing a much anticipated senior year, I was furious with my mom, rebelled, dropped out of college (after starting early), couldn't wait to turn 18 so I would be legally adult and could live my own life.</p>

<p>So I had to do things the hard way. Eventually. Worked crappy low-paying jobs before I decided I'd better get an education after all.</p>

<p>I worked full-time, went to school part-time nights, ended up with a degree. </p>

<p>Of course I look back and wish I'd done things differently. I had the brains and the test scores for a much better school, but I'd let my grades drop precipitously in my junior year - part of why I was forced to move.</p>

<p>But, I did get my act together, and went to college. Eventually - I was 20 when I went back. Sometimes us hardheads have to go our own way for a while.</p>

18

<p>Cut off finances, yes. Communication, no. It sounds like this kid needs a dose of reality and prescribed it him/herself. At the end of the day, the family needs to be the soft place to fall (OMG, I'm sounding like Dr. Phil) with the agreement on how this whole "being grown up" thing works.</p>

19

<p>Are we sure this kid ran off because of wanting a pricey school? </p>

<p>Basically, as I read this, I think the kid is a senior in HS and so he is currently waiting on admissions. I am curious what blew up to make him want to move out of the house. What was said about tuition that escalated to, "I'm moving out."? </p>

<p>My son (18), love him and hate him these days, had a big meltdown yesterday as he thought we (me in particular) were causing too much stress in his life. It's not our expectations, cause he pointed out he gets great grades (true). But that his meltdown on how we are his biggest stressors followed our concern about his seriously expanding case of senioritis, I felt like he was using this as a way to guilt me and/or merely change the subject of the issue at hand, which was his being a second semester senior who was spending a little too much time hanging out with friends and basically just showing up at home to sleep and occasionally eat on the weekends. In other words, it was about his thinking he was now 18 and had no curfew and could stay out, etc.</p>

<p>Anyway.. he stomped out last night and ended up yelling all this stuff about needing to get away from our control etc and wanting to move out. He did not take his car - as it is our car if you wanna get technical -- and was then was gone for a good hour on foot -</p>

<p>oh yeah, we had already said he was staying in last night (thus the meltdown)... I was thinking he had someone come and pick him up, but thankfully he was truly just walking off his anger. Somehow this morning he acted all very nice and in true dysfunctional form learned in my husband's family, we didn't really broach the subject. To bring it up again, I would be accused by my son of "here you go again." or "See. Why can't she ever leave it alone?" </p>

<p>I didn't sense he was thinking entitled even though most schools he applied to were 50K. But I think it's more about he doesn't even think about money because we haven't told him to. In any event, I think it's a little bit of senioritis around here that causing strain. And I was told a long time ago that this is the way it goes this time of year because so much is uncertain in their lives AND it's nature's way of saying "don't let the screen door hit you in the butt" when they leave in the fall for real.</p>

<p>As to the OP, it just seems to me that this is a strange meltdown this late in the game if they really do have concerns about spending 50K on an education. Why did they let him even apply if they weren't willing to spend the money or make it clear it was dependent on fi-aid if he got in? </p>

<p>As for Consolation's story: Is the kid talking to his parents again?</p>

20

<p>Aklindarn, how is this kid supporting himself? Is he living with another family, is his family giving him money, is he--although it is hard to imagine it--earning sufficient money to support himself while attending HS? If the parents are continuing to provide financial support, I'd suggest that they stop until he returns to their roof, or reestablishes civil communications within a structure with which they agree. If the kid really wants to be independent, and wishes to spurn his parents to boot, then it is best to let him go for now. I very much doubt that colleges will take into account an "independence" self-declared at this late date when awarding FA, any more than they pay attention to claims that "my parents won't contribute" even though the parents have the ability to do so. The kid may soon discover that he has cut off his nose to spite his face.</p>

<p>I think that the parents should make it clear that he can return to the family, but only under mutually agreeable conditions. I would make engaging in family therapy sessions with a professional part of that deal, and in fact I would try to make that happen even if he continues to live independently. It is possible that they can make family therapy a condition of filling out FAFSA forms and the like. I'd suggest that they consult a therapist who is accustomed to dealing with this type of adolescent in order to figure our the most constructive way to proceed.</p>

<p>One of the most difficult factors in this kind of situation is dealing with other adults who make it possible for the adolescent to do this: families they stay with, school administrators and teachers, and so forth. I have no doubt that there are kids who genuinely need to escape from abusive families. Ironically, those kids are probably more likely to end up living in teen shelters, group homes, and other places that cater to the truly desperate. </p>

<p>I feel for the pain they must be suffering. I can imagine how devastated I would be if my child did this.</p>