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As for Consolation's story: Is the kid talking to his parents again?
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<p>Very occasionally. Eventually, the kid will probably implode. The parents hope that if/when that happens, a) the kid will survive it, and b) the kid will return to the family. So they keep the door open.</p>
<p>"Cut off finances, yes. Communication, no. "</p>
<p>I agree with this. I think the parents should back off from being involved in his college process, too. </p>
<p>Since the student thinks they are so independent of their parents, the parents needn't support the student financially. After all, the student is a legal adult. The student also will run smack into the fact that in college's eyes, he is not independent. Even with excellent merit aid, the student still will need more money and a way of supporting himself -- a place to live now and during school breaks, etc. If the student is staying with friends, I doubt that the friends will keep supporting him after the friends become aware of the student's true personality -- something they likely will be come aware of as the student becomes comfortable enough to show his true stripes.</p>
<p>The parents also need to know that the student's not going to college next year isn't the end of the world. It will be a big wake-up call for the student to realize what the world really is like, a wake-up call the student needs. </p>
<p>I suggest that the parents go into therapy to deal with their own depression and stress about this situation, which I know from experience is heartbreaking.</p>
<p>Older S dropped out of college after getting very heavily into the partying scene. He moved in with H"s sister, who lived 3,000 miles away from us. My SIL is a conservatively middle aged businesswoman who has never married or had kids. H and I didnt' know about S's partying until I accidentally found S's blog, which provided extensive details. </p>
<p>H and I told H's family, but they didn't believe us, refused to look at the blog, and insisted on viewing S as the victim of abuse by me (never happened), and lack of support by H and me for S's interest in a music career (not true. We always supported S in his career interests including driving him 40 miles roundtrip for rock guitar lessons, and getting him an expensive guitar). H's family bought S a car, gave him money, etc.</p>
<p>It took a couple of years for H's family to realize that S was using them. After the realized this and H's sister retired and moved to a state S had no interest in moving in, S had a big wake-up when, after moving in with friends, he realized that he didn't want to live in the kind of slummy accommodations when one has no steady job and hangs out with deadbeats.</p>
<p>S moved to a different city, and has been supporting himself, living in decent surroundings. He also reestablished communication with H and me, and we even saw him last year -- our first time seeing him in several years.</p>
<p>I have met other parents who have been in similar situations with their kids, and I also have met some adults who did things like this when they were young. One was a woman in her early 30s who had gotten into an argument with her parents when she was a senior in high school. Her parents thought she should go to a different college than she wanted to. She ran out of the house and didn't contact her parents again for 7 years! Her parents hadn't known if she was dead or alive. She had traveled with a group of bikers, moved to Mexico, then Europe and ended up living in India teaching art to a group of Tibetan Buddhist monks. When I met her, she was traveling with them as their translater.</p>
<p>When I told her about my older S, she told me about her experience, and said that after she ran way from home, she never thought of her parents, had no idea how worried they were about her, and it wasn't until she started living with the monks that she began to realize the depth of what she had done to her family. When I met her, she was getting ready to travel home to Canada to see them for the first time since she had run away. She was a very nice young woman, and it was difficult for me to talk to her and realize that she had been such a self centered adolescent.</p>
<p>So... there is hope for your friends, and they definitely aren't alone with their experiences. I hope they get professional help for themselves, and are able to move on and have a happy life whatever their son decides to do.</p>
<p>Parents can put a lot of stress on a senior -- it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall for the hour before the kid stomped out. You can get the parents playing the "I was only trying to help" reel while the kid is playing "they never let up" reel and they both can be right. The parents could offer to meet the student at a mediator's office in the hope that some professional mediation could improve things (not "solve" but "improve"). The kid might let go of righteous anger to do that much.</p>
<p>^^ Great post and great suggestion, professional mediation.</p>
<p>Well.. in our case, we assuredly are not trying to help son have more partying time. :-) We were saying, there is not enough accountability in where you are and who you are with. And while a kid of 18, getting ready to head to college, can say "I am going to be in college next year and you wont be able to have any opinion of what I do with my time," my point is just making sure they stay alive to GET to college. So yes, I might be a stressor so my kid can't do everything he wants, but my daughter (now 24) says that my gut was absolutely right about a boy she saw in HS who I was adament was terrible for her on too many levels to even count. At the time she was rebellious and even said, "I hate you." more than once. While it stung at the time, to hear her say she was actually listening and knew I was right, is all the vindication I will ever need. The point is, kids might not be heeding our advice in the moment, but that doesn't mean they aren't listening on some deeper level.</p>
<p>Northstarmom's wealth of info is pure gold, in my book. I can tell you that with my first two kids, this whole college thing was a source of horrible stress to me. If either of those two kids had flipped us off and refused to cooperate, I would have been terrified about the prospect of them not going directly to college. It would have been the end of the world.</p>
<p>Now older and wiser, I can honestly say that for many kids, not going directly to college is the better path. If you get a kid who bullies and threatens his way to college, and is, in turn, bullied, threatened to go to college, in addition to being cajoled, bribed, sweet talked, etc, the mind set upon going is not going to be optimal. There is going to be a great big fat FU factor in there that is just waiting to erupt when things don't go well. And things often do not go well in life.</p>
<p>This is a time of great upheaval in kids. The hormones are flaring, peer pressure suffocating, stress, mood disorders....and when they go off to college they are going to be thrown into an amusement park that makes Wonderland look like a kiddie carnival. Drugs, sex, alcohol, "lord of the flies living", are all awaiting in the wings. Sexuality issues, moral issues, ethics are all going to be tested severely. Taking a bit of a break and going there when things are more on even keel is really the smart thing to do.</p>
<p>I think it is a very good idea for the parents to tell the h.s. guidance counselor that the parents would be happy to help with college after a gap year. This kid would benefit from a year off working or volunteering.</p>
<p>I agree that a gap year is a great option. I actually wish our older child had taken one. Perhaps we wouldn't have such a gap in her attending. However, I would like my son to stumble a little and fall while still on the homefront. I would like to question (and thus have him question) what his motivation is for whatever he is doing. I think his private HS has given him plenty of access to the sex, drugs and rock n roll that awaits him at another level at college. I just want him to understand why his priorities are what they are, for himself. So while we can't physically force him to do certain things, we don't have to ignore everything either. At the same time, I cannot use threats of whether or not I will pay for college to get him to do things my way either.</p>
<p>But, all through HS, at every parent meeting etc about this stuff I has said that the hugest determinate of whether or not a kid will say no to doing something "stupid," is if his parents would be disappointed. So, I have no qualms giving ever saying that certain behavior/choices is disappointing.</p>
<p>I agree with most of what's been said, that the kid should be left to learn from his own mistakes. However, there has to be a lot more to it than is being said. I really don't think a kid "out of the blue" makes such a decision. There have to be a lot of other issues going on. But I also don't think it's that uncommon for a newly-turned 18 yr old to suddenly want to make a break if they're pushed with ultimatums. My observation in the 5 or 6 cases I've seen among neighbors and family is that the parents try to "lay down the law" one too many times. And I'm sure that there are all kinds of variations on the scale.</p>
<p>I think it's important that the parents realize what they can and cannot control (behavior--no, finances--yes), not say things they will later regret or can't take back, and make it clear under what circumstances the door would be open (for a return home, for future financial support for college, etc.). Also, they need to set up the circumstances for a future return/reconciliation where the kid will not be subjected to humiliation or nonstop "I told you so's."</p>
<p>Some kids just need a year or two of sorting them selves out.....but that doesn't mean that you don't invite them to Thanksgiving.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>What was said about tuition that escalated to, "I'm moving out."? <<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Well I suspect it was nothing much. A friend's fourteen-year-old son was smoking in the house, which was strictly forbidden in deference to an asthmatic sibling. What the parent said was "If you insist on smoking in the house then you can't live in this house." Son said fine and left -- permanently. (And no this story did not have a happy ending, despite the parents' best efforts to reconcile.)</p>
<p>You have to know the facts. There can be good reasons for a teen to move out--there was another thread recently in which that was a real possibility. Having somebody mediate the issue is a good idea.</p>
<p>14? Smoking? OK.. I cannot relate to this obstinate behavior from an 18 year old, let alone 14. Asthmatic or not, no one should smoke in anyone else's house without explicit permission. THat a kid would move out over this says something went wrong long before he turned 14.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>... something went wrong long before he turned 14.<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Exactly so, likely the same thing that keeps the (now adult) from paying his rent, showing up to work on time, insuring his car, etc. etc. etc. </p>
<p>Hunt is right, you have to know the facts. But knowing the facts won't always point to an acceptable solution. (BTW, I second his suggestion for mediation.)</p>