300 word personal statement

College Essays
1

<p>Describe how you have grown intellectually, emotionally, or socially throughout high school? </p>

<p>We all know of the kid; the selfish pessimist who could care less about anything. I was one of these kids. I had all my priorities in the wrong places. I slaked off in academics, hung around the wrong people, and wasted time on the most frivolous matters such as video games and facebook. I compromised with myself on the least important issues, and looked past the important things like school. I fought with my parents over these issues and typically lost out and reverted to my immature self, locked in my room.
Though, there was a point in my life that changed this attitude. Every summer I went to Camp Pathfinder; A canoe tripping camp in Northern Ontario. There, I was subjected to hard work that I will relate to boot camp. On the trails, I was carrying an eighty pound pack on my back, or most recently balancing a 120 pound canoe on my head for miles over mountainous terrain. This type of work changed me for the better. Back in Syracuse, I began to show signs of maturity. Slowly, I grew up. Most importantly was my intellectual growth. Evidenced in my grades with their gradual progression each year to the point where now, I’m on honor roll. My father has always told me to “let go of what you think you know.” Over the past few years I’ve begun to open my mind to new things. At age sixteen I renounced my atheism because simply; I do not know everything. I have developed a new sense of curiosity about the world around me. Pathfinder changed me for the better; I’m now on a positive path to success and optimistic about my future and where hard work can take me. </p>

<p>Can someone evaluate this for me? Thank you.</p>

2

<p>It’s fine, but you need to let the reader know that you are still not perfect. Colleges don’t want to hear about how you were a bad boy and now u have no flaws. show us that u are human.</p>

3

<p>“I had all my priorities in the wrong places.”</p>

<p>Have you earned this cliche?</p>

<p>Also, try varying your sentence structure from the typical subject/verb format. Remember, subordinating clauses and semicolons are your friends.</p>

4

<p>Why are you using such strong words when describing your past? There’s no need to make yourself sound as horrible as possible in order to describe growth, and it might even come off negatively if the adcoms get that image stuck in their head.<br>
Find a better transition than “though, there was a point in my life…”
How exactly did the hard work you experienced change you? You don’t really specify. What did you realize while balancing that canoe?</p>