5 Years In, and No Major

Parents Forum
1

I never dreamed this would happen to one of our children (first 3 kids sailed right through college), but our youngest daughter is struggling to find her place in the world. There have been complicating factors, such as us parents moving several states away unexpectedly, and worse, one of our other children being diagnosed with an incurable cancer, which has had ramifications for all members of our family. The student in question also has Asperger’s & ADD-inattentive.

Daughter has now attended 4 different schools, has something like 100 credits, but has no major.

2 years at Liberal Arts College: mediocre grades, dropped some classes, lost initial scholarship We had to pull her out of that school because it was too expensive without the scholarship.
1 year of taking a couple of courses at the local community college
1 year at another Liberal Arts College: mediocre grades, socially did better, but didn’t like it
1 year part-time at state university, while working 20 hrs./week; grades either A or F; now would need to retake Calc 2 in order to pursue anything STEM for a major

Daughter started college thinking about a major in humanities of some type. Discovered she doesn’t like to write papers. Now wants to become an airline pilot (probably out of reach due to her Asperger’s & responses to stress), and wants to major in something STEM, but Calculus seems to be problematic. Not sure if it is the math itself, or if she didn’t really do all the work because of syllabus confusion/teaching style of prof. The daughter tends to do extremely well if professor’s style matches hers, with very clear expectations, or does extremely poorly if professor expects students to figure out more of what to do when, etc…

Daughter is now 23 years old. We are financially pretty much done shelling out money for her. I would pay for a Calculus 2 retake course, if she would be seriously motivated. But the working part-time, school part-time does seems to work better for this daughter. However, at this rate, she might graduate with her Bachelor’s when she is past 30 years old.

Would you as parents:

  1. Keep going on the slow train through college?
  2. Have her quit college and get a job?
  3. Keep paying $ until she gets that bachelor’s degree?
  4. What else are we missing here? I don’t know how we got into this situation. Our family is stressed with son being so ill.

Thanks!

2

I’m sorry that your family is dealing with so much, especially your son’s illness.

Do your daughter and son get along? If they do, it seems like it might be good for your daughter to hit “pause” on college and spend time with her bro.

3

That is a good idea. That’s kind of what happened the year she did only a couple of classes at community college. But son has been ill now for 2.5 years, and we are still hopeful that it seems he will have more time yet. After the first year, we felt the other kids needed to try to keep moving forward with their lives, but they do all prioritize visiting and spending time with each other. The son with cancer also has a young wife, so it’s not like he can just spend all his days with siblings, either.
Thank you for your comment; it does help me gain some objectivity, and not feel quite so horrible about how everything is going. We are doing the best we can.

4

I’m sorry for your son’s illness, it must be so hard.

Does your D enjoy her job? Has working given her any insight/perspective on a career? I would have her focus on getting work that interests her, and doing courses at night when she finally figures out where she is headed. I agree with you - perhaps paying for a retake of Calc… but nothing more until she figures out what she wants to do in life. If she’s doing retail or restaurants, perhaps getting into a corporate job would be better. Or at a small business - but somewhere where there is a career path.

5

Even without your son’s illness, I’d probably suggest hitting “pause” on college. Getting a bachelor’s degree at age 30 (or never) is okay. I know some folks will frown at this, but I think that if she doesn’t mind moving to wherever you live, having her move back home and work would be a good thing to do.

6

Daughter is doing catering prep work. She has a job lined up for the summer, also in this field. She does seem to like it OK, but still thinks she will become an airline pilot. I don’t see her on a career path, but I am happy that at least she has a summer job, and it pays more than minimum wage. Her Asperger’s leads to her overall maturity lagging behind. I’d put her at about age 17-18 now, which is progress. Your comments are very helpful to think about.

7

If it helps discourage her on airline pilot without mentioning struggles at college or Asperger’s, pilots spend many years in regionals making peanuts, maybe $30,000/year, before or if they get to a major airline. That’s after paying for many hours of flight time. It’s a difficult field unless you are military pilot with built in hours when you make the transition to airlines.

Has she taken a discovery flight or done any flight training?

Best wishes on all accounts.

8

I’m so sorry about your son’s cancer. I have a 10 year old with autism. I have no idea what college will be like when we get there. I could see him taking longer than his siblings. I think, letting her go part time and finishing at her pace is the way to go. If it takes her 8 years or 10, so what. My husband took 7 years to finish a bachelors degree. I have a friend who took 9 years. It seems ridiculous, but he’s a teacher and a coach and loves what he does, it just took him a while to get there. As mamas raising kids with autism we’ve had to accept over and over again that our kids aren’t neurotypical, will never be neurotypical. There are heartaches and struggles, but boy are the successes sweet. Let her find her way. It sounds like she’s getting there.

9

I am terribly sorry to hear about your son’s illness.

My oldest son is Aspie lite. He didn’t graduate from college. When he turned 25, I wrote him a long text telling him that he needed to get himself health insurance. After about 6 months, he took an online test for the Post Office. He started working there 3 1/2 months before he turned 26. He now has health insurance. I COBRA his dental but that’s only $16/month. He seems happy. He is earning money but has no interest in moving out, even though he has had the same gf for almost 10 years. He just bought a new bed. I am hoping that he will soon be permanent and eligible for retirement benefits. He is also talking about going back to school eventually. I am just pleased that he has a union job with benefits and protections. Perhaps something like that might be attractive to your D. On another note, my son went through a long phase where he wanted to be an airline pilot. He finally got that his color-blindness was an obstacle he couldn’t overcome.

10

@rosered55 said “I’d probably suggest hitting “pause” on college. Getting a bachelor’s degree at age 30 (or never) is okay. I know some folks will frown at this, but I think that if she doesn’t mind moving to wherever you live, having her move back home and work would be a good thing to do.”

I agree with this. I think that a job that your daughter likes for now is a good thing to do now, and she will figure it out over time. Many kids who do get a bachelor’s degree still have no idea what they really are going to do with their life. Many people find careers that they like that don’t include university (a majority of American’s never graduate from university, and some that do end up with a career that didn’t need it). Some do return to university later in life and often do better than they ever did when younger.

I am sorry to hear about your son with cancer. I have some experience (now long past) with a child with a serious but curable disease, and I can only imagine how it feels to have a child with an incurable disease. People are not supposed to get cancer before age 60 at the youngest, although I know that some do.

11

I am sorry to hear about your son’s illness. I do not know anything about airplane pilot and what it takes to get there. As one of my kids has special needs and I do prepare that the kid may not graduate from college . The fact of the matter is not everyone needs to have a college degree to have a career or be happy and many people do not work in areas different in what they learned in college…and sometimes it is not a clear cut as humanities or STEM…Have you considered to let her volunteer in different fields to explore her interests? or explore areas such as web design (it was suggested to me by a college when I told her my kid has difficulty reading)…

12

More than any other consideration, I think it’s best for your family to be gentle with each other during this difficult time. Sometimes, the most painful part of a serious illness in the family…is not knowing. Not knowing if next year will be a celebration of a successful new treatment option, or time to say goodbye. The illness can complicate the stability and predictability of life events…that people with Asperger’s badly need to function well.

My vote would be to do whatever works for now. Part time job, a couple of classes at community college, maybe?

I also think that you and your daughter need some outside help with this situation. You have your hands full. You have enough on your plate…to the degree that patience with your daughter could easily be compromised. (and understandable so)

Is there a trusted relative, an auntie, or a family friend…who could be helpful in advocating for your daughter right now? Someone who could take her to talk to the aviation school and get a solid answer about whether her learning/social differences would disqualify her? Also…someone who could take her to get some career counseling. Maybe she should do some of those tests that ask you about your preferences and talents, and suggest careers? Someone who could take her to career fairs, and really work with her to try to figure out what avenues are open to her and what might be a good fit. You need to find that person, and enlist their help. You’re allowed to outsource this one right now…and your daughter would benefit from someone with unlimited patience who can make her the center of their attention for a while. (that can’t be you right now)

Also, I’d like to gently suggest that counseling for everyone in the family who is struggling…could be a very good thing. Particularly for your daughter. Grief and sorrow over potential close losses…are experienced differently by people on the spectrum than by neurotypical people. All of the emotions experienced by family members in this time can be overwhelming and confusing. Spectrum folks can appear to be very calm and even detached, while internally they are struggling a great deal.

Be good to each other. Her career path will happen in it’s own time.

13

There are also done amazing licenses, certificates and career paths at community colleges. Perhaps those would also be worth exploring – some of them are quite lucrative as well.

14

I agree with MaryGJ. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, mama.

As someone whose child has considered (is maybe still considering) becoming a pilot, that part of your post jumped out at me. I am by no means an expert, but I have to say it does not seem like an obtainable goal to me (and to you, apparently). The majority of airline pilots need a bachelor’s degree to be employable. The BA/BS can be in anything, but it is generally necessary. Also, the person must have good mental calculation skills (a lot of Trig, I believe, but also just general mental calc) and, of course great social skills and ability to operate under pressure. Also, the training is extremely expensive – at least 50,000 and that’s a very conservative estimate. Not sure how many paid training schemes there are in the US, though if they exist they will be extremely competitive. That said, it looks,like she could obtain a medical certificate if she hasn’t been treated with medication.

I’ll echo another poster’s question: Has she been on a discovery flight? And I’ll echo the poster above about community colleges and relevant career paths.

15

{{{{{hugs to you and your kids }}}} as you all go through this challenge. Your daughter is doing a culinary prep course. Does she enjoy what she is doing? Other than the prospect of being a pilot is there anything else that she likes in aviation that may match up with her skills?

What is your home state? You may be able to get vocational rehabilitation services that will cover tuition at your local college.

16

Another vote for counseling. Even when the sibling seems fine, he or she is probably struggling. Our daughter in that situation (big brother who is seriously mentally ill) SEEMED fine and told me she was, repeatedly. Fortunately, her Girl Scout leader noticed something that concerned her, and alerted us to the fact she needed to see a counselor. She was diagnosed with anxiety and I’m so thankful for the GS leader who had the courage to call me! My daughter is doing much better now, but she still sees a counselor every week at college.

17

I have a friend who has some issues who runs a very successful hair styling business. Makes great $$. She got an associates at the local CC in the cosmetology program and took some business courses on the side, then worked at a salon for a few years until she created a studio in her home so she could be available for her son, who has serious mental illness.

Just a thought…it would incorporate some math and science with hands-on work and people skills.

18

You’ve gotten some good suggestions above… on the academic side, I would sit down with an advisor at her most recent U and ask whether that have some liberal studies major or interdisciplinary major that would allow her to use the credits she has and progress to a degree quickly. Most state schools have some version of this ‘design your own major’ that allows students to capitalize on the courses they have taken and assist with mapping out the fastest route to college completion.

19
  1. No. It's not working for her right now. College will always be there, (ask me, I'm still there!), but she's not a good fit for it right now.
  2. Yes. Working and supporting yourself creates maturity in a way that nothing else can.
  3. No.
  4. I know parents who have kids with chronic or terminal illness in their family who often (understandably) try to overcompensate in some other areas, but this can sometimes cause issues with independence and drive. I believe there are several excellent books in this area that can help you with your daughter.

Kids don’t always take a straight path. When I was her age, I had attended one year of college, dropped out after freshman year because of finances, moved to europe to get a job, moved back to the US a year later and was self-supporting and poor as dirt, went to school at night, and was married at 23 (and am still happily married). I’m not saying this should be your kid’s path ( I wouldn’t recommend it!) but that there are paths other than a straight shot through college that can have success and happiness.

I am (and always have been) very independent and motivated, but a lot of that was because the alternative to being motivated and independent was intolerable to me. We are deliberately making the world less cushy by degrees for our kids to foster independence.

20

I agree so much with what MaryGJ wrote, and in fact I have personally found her response so helpful. I cannot pretend to know anything about what you are going through - I am so very sorry to hear about your son - so what I can offer is therefore limited to my own experience and thoughts on this issue. I hope at least some small nugget will end up helping you think things through (but again, MaryGJ really said so much that sounds right deep down to me).

Of my three children, one had cancer (and is 5 years in remission) and another (junior in high school right now) has Aspergers (HFA) and fairly severe ADHD. Our situation was different in so many respects, not the least of which is the fact that the children were all much younger when this happened, but my daughter with Aspergers completely fell apart during the years of my youngests’ cancer treatment. Yes, it was a horror for everyone in the family, but my Aspie really really couldn’t handle it. Our Aspies are so special, with so many unique and wonderful gifts, but if yours is anything like mine there is intense anxiety and an associated unraveling under very severe stress that occurs that isn’t seen quite as much in non-Aspies. My Aspie craves routine, and stability. A sibling with a terminal disease (in your case, and in ours potentially terminal) throws any sense of security out the window for everyone in the family. This affects the Aspie in such profound ways (that they don’t always show - mine has always been the master at projecting an emotionless exterior as much as humanly possible). For us, at the time, we didn’t even really know the extent of her Aspergers, and had no clue the best way to handle her unraveling in the face of such stress.

I tried as best I could to keep life, after the initial shock to the system, as “normal” as possible for my other children. I thought that that was the right thing to do, and it worked okay for my oldest. For my Aspie, no, it didn’t work (I realized far too late in hindsight). Her life felt so out of control she couldn’t go through the motions of a “normal” life and make it work. If we were to ever face something like this again (and we had a taste of it with my own cancer diagnosis several years later), we would let my Aspie take as much time “off” from school as she needed, to try to regain some interior sense of stability and control in whatever manner worked best for her. It sounds like you already tried this a bit, but perhaps it’s time for another long talk and regrouping. Is your daughter attending classes right now because she wants to, or because she feels “it’s the right thing to do” and what’s expected of her? I would have a very frank discussion with her about this, and let her know that it’s okay to not take classes at all (as opposed to a couple at a time) - that’s it’s okay to take some time to regroup.

Aspies have problems of this type in general, and throwing in a terminal diagnosis for a sibling could wreak havoc on whatever sense of control and stability she has, I would guess. My heavily Aspie niece has almost made it through two years of college (with great stress and issues), and will be taking at least a semester off to “regroup” and rethink her path, as her family realizes that college is not “working” for her right now. Her uncle (my BIL) took around 8 years to get through college, and is now a civil engineer. Everyone’s paths are different, and an Aspie’s path can be especially so. I might consider discussing with your daughter whether she should take no classes at all for a time period. Who knows - she may be relieved to have that pressure removed from her. (Btw, my Aspie daughter sounds very similar to yours in her academic needs and output - her work product is very erratic. She can get a 100 on a test in an AP class one day, and then get zeroes because she didn’t so some daily assignments. Very frustrating.)

I have some faint understanding of trying to deal with one child whose life is a mess and is falling apart emotionally, while dealing with another child with cancer who is struggling to live. I have lived years feeling like I perpetually had a clenched fist thrust into my stomach, juggling what seemed like the impossible at times. I can only imagine the stress you are under right now. You, and your daughter, may need to allow her to take a break so you can get a moment to breathe yourself.