A desperate plea from an insecure, freaked-out student

Parents Forum
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<p>Pardon the somewhat sensationalist title. Pardon also the extreme length of my post, but I really do need help.</p>

<p>I am really at a loss right now. In short, I was accepted SCEA Stanford with pending applications at H and another school. Having to wait a month in total uncertainty was unbearable, and many mini-meltdowns occurred, which was of course unfortunate, and somewhat ridiculous. I am totally excited about the possibility of Stanford and would love to go there. Unfortunately, the pending applications (particularly to H) cannot escape my mind, even though I rationally know this is ridiculous, especially because it's not that important.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I'm very worried about a relapse while I wait in potential agony until RD results. Of course, what is there to say? A rejection does not mean a personal judgment, and is a 'crapshoot.' Well, not quite...</p>

<p>At my school, which has excellent college placement, we can several people into Harvard every year. There is absolutely no unpredictability. There is a clear GPA/SAT threshold which, once cleared, has always resulted in acceptance (in the ~6 cases of students with stats that high in the last 2-3 years). The SAT 'cutoff' is very (VERY), but I do meet it handily. Where is the problem? My GPA, due to a terrible (comparatively) freshman year, would push the threshold downward by a minuscule amount. I am the lowest GPA with my SAT range (although again, not by that much). Still, given the other applicants from my school (many of whom are my friends), this worries me.</p>

<p>It's mainly insecurity and a stifled by resurfacing low self-esteem in some respects. It's been a challenge for me to avoid all competitive aspects during HS (I don't share grades, shared no colleges on my list due to intense fear of rejection, etc.). I'm deathly afraid of being rejected by Harvard, not because it's my top choice (which it is), but because other students from my school will undoubtedly get in. I have worked really hard for four years (having moved from a distant location in middle school and being very immature freshman year), and I have really pushed myself - I have the hardest courseload, but not the highest grades. This has been true EC-wise as well. I have grown incredibly as a person.</p>

<p>The problem: In my current, unhealthy state of mind, I am interpreting a H rejection as validation of my insecurity and proof of the belief that I just was not good enough. Many of my peers are not as busy as I am, regarding ECs in particular. However, they have higher GPAs (like 3-4 people). I'm suffering from an extreme case of "rejection means it was all for nothing" mentality, even though I 'know' it's not. I have always felt inferior to them, even with the good news I have had this year (few among my peers applied early) my SATs/APs, and my achievements EC-wise (very significant ones, e.g. Eagle Scout). When acceptance is perfectly correlated with GPA/SAT, how can I not feel this way, I wonder. Rejection would mean that I was an inferior student, which would just drive me crazy.</p>

<p>I don't know where to go. My parents suggested talking to a school counselor (not college counselor), but I felt better for a few days after some time of depression. However, I fear a relapse into the hellacious nights that plagued me for over a month, and extreme depression that mars my outlook on life. Without RD results, I honestly would be fine. It's just that the potential to have my worst fears validated is imminent. I get...almost angry with myself and others when I'm asked to do social activities, as others have much more free time during the spring than I do (with EC commitments). This isn't how I should view my activities, which I love! I don't know whether I should talk to my CC, because I don't know what he could do to help, and he wants me to be happy with Stanford and not worry about H. I want to as well, but H is my top choice, and also the true validation of my efforts, at least in my mind.</p>

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<p>Your analysis is informed and you recognize this is a self esteem issue. Will your parents support private counseling?</p>

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<p>Please relax. Not getting into Harvard does not mean anyone is inferior. It is a crapshoot and many of the best and brightest still do not get in. Waiting for RD is very stressful and the time does not go by well. You seem to be an outstanding student, learned from your mistakes and rose to the challenge. I believe the schools will see this. No use in stressing it. It is what it is and nothing you can do to change it. Don't worry about those other kids, so far you are off to a good start. Good luck.</p>

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<p>I know kids who've dropped out of the IVIES and kids who've done extremely well in state and local schools. I live in an upscale NY suburb and as I love to tell my Ivy-League graduate neighbors (many from H) "I live in the same neighborhood as you, and I graduated from City University of New York. In da Bronx!". So don't get hung up on labels and "best colleges". The best is what works for you as a person. My road to success was mostly achieved by my hard work, no one ever asks me any more where I went to college. They ask if I can do for them what I've achieved for others (I'm a consultant).</p>

<p>Your statement "I have always felt inferior to them (the other students)" is the key to your problem and actually your answer. Read "The Millionaire Next Door" by two SUNY Albany professors about who the really successful are in the US. Most have one thing in common: they were either told, or felt, that they would never amount to anything and set out to prove everyone wrong. And most never went to a top ranked college, most are graduates of local schools. </p>

<p>So, relax and breathe. All of this won't matter a hill of beans ten years from now at your H.S. reunion! But do ask an expert for help to overcome this - all this anxiety is not good for your physical, let alone mental, health. </p>

<p>Remember, it's predicted that your generation, with medical advances, will live to be an average of 120. You have plenty of time to achieve your dreams and undo any "mistakes". And you'll have many careers (I've had five so far in my life). </p>

<p>Good luck to you, whatever you choose.</p>

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<p>^hmom, the school counseling is apparently quite good so I would rather talk to them and go from there, if that is what you meant.</p>

<p>^milkandsugar, that's the problem. At the macro level, it is a crapshoot. But at the local, most applicable level - my school - it's not a crapshoot. You can predict results based solely on GPA/SAT. There are zero outliers other than an occasional recruit. None. Zilch.</p>

<p>^WilPowerMom, thanks for the book suggestion. I'll check it out. The problem is when you live in an environment dominated by college (i.e., a prep-school). People's worth here is, to some degree, determined by where you went to college. It's an unhealthy outlook, but you can't escape it if you live in it.</p>

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<p>I think seeing a professional therapist would be a really good idea. Regardless of what happens with Harvard, the bigger issue isn't about Harvard and that bigger issue is going to follow you wherever you go. Now would be a perfect time, while you have so much clarity and feelings around it, to work through it with a professional. It would be a great investment in your well-being and future success.</p>

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<p>You have an acceptance at Stanford, and you are working yourself up into a frenzy because you might get rejected elsewhere? You really need some professional help. You can start out with your school counselor, but I am afraid you need much more than that...</p>

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<p>Starbright (#6) put everything so well. I also favor seeing a therapist.</p>

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<p>Right, I'll definitely get the school counselor (and beyond!) before this becomes a bigger issue...</p>

<p>For the record, this also happened with Stanford. But in a different way, given that I wasn't competing per se against my intellectual peers. And I've had self-esteem issues for a long time, which clearly is relevant...I guess they caught up with me this year. College was always the validation I craved. I honestly thought the stress would be over with Stanford. But it's not.</p>

<p>The worst part is that there's total self-realization about how absurd this is. It's not like I don't know this is stupid. I mean, people are becoming unemployed by the minute, and I'm worrying about this, with a Stanford acceptance no less. That's the thing. There's a huge divide between rational thought and this emotional state that I thought was over after Stanford. It's so aggravating...</p>

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<p>Get the help. Those HS peers you are so self conscience about won't matter one bit the moment you cross that stage at graduation. You need to learn how to value yourself and now is a much better time than later- you don't need the additional weight of poor self esteem dragging on you during college. Intellectually you see this, as you asked for our advice, but you need the personal attention of local counseling to learn how to handle your issues. You need skills for doing, not just knowing. Bravo for realizing you have a problem, now continue with the solution- it will take some work on your part.</p>

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<p>You need to see a Psychiatrist asap. It sounds to me like it could be GAD- general anxiety disorder, which can be treated very effectively with medication, but it takes a while to kick in, so get thee to a shrink and I mean soon. Therapy in addition to medication would also be a good idea, but first find out what is causing this anxiety/ depression. If you think being in HS is competative, wait until you are in college at a school like Harvard. Based on what I know of Stanford and the type of students there[and I know a lot], I think you might be better off at Stanford than at Harvard anyway.. The best sign is you know that you are being irrational about this Harvard obsession, so see a DR so you can start feeling better soon, regardless of where you end up going to college. It will only get worse if left untreated.</p>

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<p>The consensus seems to be to get help. I will. As I've said, I'll talk to the school counselor and then see what happens. The problem is that I just don't really know what's going on here. I suppose that I have little sense of self-validation. This may be environmental. I hope it's not natural, of course. I'll also don't know whether I'm overreacting and it will cease forever after this year. </p>

<p>And iilb, I'm not asian. And my parents never pushed me like that. They have been generally relaxed about the process. They have never expected perfection. I'm totally sincere when I say that my drive is internal, although my parents have been appropriately pushy in me trying new things and my best. My college list is truly my own.</p>

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<p>Thanks. What I need right now is to be incapacitated and totally out of physical and mental control, clearly.</p>

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<p>Cinser:</p>

<p>Don't be ashamed that you feel this is an unimportant problem. It is your problem so it's real to you, regardless of how "big" it is. Plus, you need to give yourself credit for recognizing that your streeful feelings may indeed indicate a problem and you are already dealing with this appropriately - you reached out for help, remember? </p>

<p>Plus, if this is the biggest problem you have, then instead of being ashamed, rejoice! I'm assuming you are not handicapped, mentally ill, impoverished, dying, etc. so indeed be glad you have been so fortunate so far and take this as a learning experience so you can emphatize with others you encounter in life when they have their own problems (big or small - a glass of water can be a burden if you hold it long enough). The problems of others will sometimes seem silly or unimportant to you too, but you've just learned that any problem can seem overwhelming given the right circumstances. You're young and in a pressure-cooker environment right now - perfect ingredients for a stressful reaction to an unknown situation (when you'e older, you know from experience that stressful sitautions eventually pass). You've already proven you're smart enough to recognize this as a problem, and smart enough to ask for help. So you will indeed survive this! And hopefully live long enough to tell your grandchildren about how a bunch of strangers came together one night to bolster your spirits and offer advice.</p>

<p>Sounds like you've chilled a bit - so good luck. And yeah, I hear you about that prep school stress. My advice - what you really need to do is pick a school that's far away from those types!</p>

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<p>Wow. First of all congratulations for getting accepted at Stanford!! We visited a few weeks ago and the girl doing our info session said they don't even look at Freshman year grades, because they recognize it takes people a while to settle in to high school. </p>

<p>It sounds like Stanford is a good fit for you! HighlandDaughter and I were amazed how laid back everybody was - they certainly don't think too highly of themselves. You might check the threads just after SCEA results came out - people were analyzing everything like crazy. </p>

<p>I do think it would be a good idea to discuss your thoughts with a parent or another adult you trust. Sometimes just talking things through can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. :)</p>

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<p>If you like Stanford, would go to Stanford, feel positive about your results with Stanford, and the whole Harvard thing is knocking you for a loop -- why don't you just withdraw the Harvard application?</p>

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<p>"I think seeing a professional therapist would be a really good idea. Regardless of what happens with Harvard, the bigger issue isn't about Harvard and that bigger issue is going to follow you wherever you go. Now would be a perfect time, while you have so much clarity and feelings around it, to work through it with a professional. It would be a great investment in your well-being and future success."</p>

<p>I agree. Whether or not you get into Harvard, the problem will continue to follow you until you get therapy to address it. The problem is within you not due to acceptances or rejections from college.</p>

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<p>Get some help, for sure. It would be good to deal with this now if you think it will follow you into college. Once you leave HS no one will care about any of this competition for college or your SAT score. If you go to Stanford there will be amazing people, and some who turned down Harvard to go there. And yes- there are really bigger problems in this world. Glad to see that you appreciate that.</p>

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<p>Cinser, I am glad you are aware of your problem and know that you need help.
I can understand how your environment, does somewhat feed into your anxiety. One thing I want you to keep in mind is that environment is not the norm. My D graduated last year from a school that sounds like yours. There is tremendous pressure put on kids. Most of it subtle.
One thing I think you should consider is to volunteer to tutor a kid at an after school program.
Please do get help.</p>

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<p>This seems like a problem that is quite deep, and really has nothing to do with Harvard. I agree with others that it won't go away, even if the OP is accepted at Harvard. Going to Harvard could even be counter-productive, since it seems to draw far more than its share of people who are desperately dependent on institutions to validate their efforts.</p>