A family problem...

Parents Forum
21

<p>I guess I have a little different attitude about the idea of an apartment. I was willing (if nervous) to let our 17 year-old live in a residence hotel across the country, in order to attend a dance program. We balked at the last minute, for reasons that were particular to this teen, not because of the idea itself. The various legal considerations were a big factor though, particularly the possible difficulties in getting medical care.</p>

<p>A friend of my son’s got an apartment in senior year, and thrived. He was still close to his mom, so there was a safety net. I think he may have already turned 18 though. He also paid for it himself, by working at Friendly’s. Since the whole point was for you to stay in an apt. so your mom and sister could join your father, this won’t work for you, financially, and won’t accomplish the goal of the rest of your family reuniting. But maybe someone else could step in.</p>

<p>So, it could conceivably be possible to have an apartment, but someone would have to be responsible for being accessible for your. I don’t want to use the word “supervise,” since you sound very responsible. But, if, for instance, you got very sick: who would take you to the doctor?</p>

<p>I feel a little less enthusiastic about your doing this because you do keep things to yourself and don’t want to involve others. This is admirable, but you are not yet ready to be entirely on your own, and some adult involvement would be needed. And your parents would need to be protected from accusations of negligence.</p>

<p>Very often, when kids think about independence at your age, they fantasize about self-sufficiency. The idea of being in an apartment, taking care of things, needing noone, and being in control of your environment (including removing family stress) is so seductive. But true independence lies in being able to stay connected to the larger world, in a mature way. This may not apply to you, but I am just mentioning that it is a common fantasy to live by oneself, in the way you are suggesting, but it is not always the best route to independence.</p>

<p>I think that you are a very nice and loyal family person, and that there is a lot you are not telling us. That is appropriate for an online posting, but may lead to some answers that don’t really apply. In particular, it is not really clear what the stresses are in your home, or what is actually going on with your sister (or your mom). You are being discrete, and I do applaud you for that.</p>

<p>I think that advice for you to take a leadership role, or to be nicer to your sister, or whatever, or terribly inappropriate and potentially damaging. Along with being the “Man around the house,” this kind of expectation can itself be intensely stressful. You are still a kid yourself, and deserve nurturing and support, and while it is always good to be a cooperative, contributing member of the household, the quasi-parental or even spousal role that some are suggesting for you is not proper at all. In fact, if you are strong enough to deal with household stress by being the leader, you are certainly ready for your own place. Do not guilt trip by listening to some of this advice.</p>

<p>Clearly you are private, so seeking help through the school or through a friend’s family is not going to work for you.</p>

<p>Before you or your family make any decisions, please, please see some kind of counselor or therapist. You can ask your mother for this, and she could also go, with or without your sister. You can have a counselor for yourself, and then your entire family could also meet with someone. There are sliding scale fees at many places. We have often found that if you call insurance (I think I understood that you do have some, if not a great policy) and ask to speak to a supervisor or care advocate (not just the customer service reps that answer), they will often help you out.</p>

<p>There are medications that can help you through this, but also other ways to manage stress and depression. Most of all, a good counselor or therapist will help with the decision-making process that you, and your family, need to go through to find the best solution to the situation. This counselor may even support an apartment for you, and can help with a safety net.</p>

<p>If moving turns out to be the answer, then you can also prepare for the move and get good advice on adjustment and maximizing the experience.</p>

<p>You seem like a really good person. There are things that you can’t really get into online, and a counselor can see you, in person, in reality, and can much better assess what you should do. The main thing is that you should not have to deal with this alone, and you are obviously too considerate to add to your mother’s troubles by getting her help. Get some help from outside the family that you are comfortable with.</p>

<p>You deserve it! Good luck.</p>

22

<p>Given the family situation – economic stress, the father’s having to move due to economy/job – probably everyone in the family is depressed. Depression manifests in various ways: sadness, anger, irritation, apathy depending on the person. </p>

<p>Probably the whole family could benefit from some kind of counseling and support. Is there a minister or some other trusted adult whom you could talk to?</p>

<p>Moving into your own apartment would not be helpful. More than likely it would add to your family’s economic stress (and you may have no idea how hard your family is struggling. Your mom may be quietly dealing with this – including major concerns about funding your college education-- and she may not be sharing this info because of not wanting to add stress in your life). Being in your own place also would add to your stress. Living by oneself and having to pay those bills is more difficult than you’d think.</p>

<p>Have you considered getting a job if you don’t have one already? It would give you more reason to be out of the house, and it also would help with the economic problems and may also decrease some of your parents’ concerns about paying for college. If you’re concerned that you might have to drop ECs and that would hurt your college app, no reason for that concern. Colleges view very favorably students who work jobs in order to help their families.</p>

<p>It also would be a good idea for you now to start researching college scholarships – outside scholarships as well as colleges that are likely to offer you excellent need-based and/or merit aid. Be prepared to confine your college search to such colleges, something that is true for most students, including very bright highly accomplished ones like you.</p>

23

<p>I find it interesting that on this thread there are parents telling this kid that he needs to respect his mother and be tolerant yet on another thread the kid was only a year older and most posters were all over that kids mom. Why such a difference in attitude about what seems to be a similar situation.</p>

<p>To the OP…If your parents are having financial problems how could you even think about getting your own apartment? Who would pay your rent, food, bills, etc…
Your apartment would surely be the party house…just what two financially strapped parents need…a kid having himself a grand old time while they are trying to figure out how to do what they need to do. This idea is so unrealistic.</p>

24

<p>It sounds like your sister’s tantrums really bother you. Would it help to try to put some distance between you and your sister? Perhaps noise-canceling headphones would help you to be less bothered by her behavior. Or maybe going to the library after school to study or spending lots of time at a friend’s house until she goes to bed. Do you have your own bedroom or do you share one with her?</p>

25

<p>The most important part I’ve heard from the OP is that the family is trying to do what is in the best interest of the family! You are all trying to be supportive of each other - congrats! (momma-three, maybe that is why you are hearing such different advice on this thread!)</p>

<p>Please do not carry this burden alone! As you can read from the advice so far, your family is not alone. There are many families in this situation. You should find a counselor or teacher at school you trust and share your frustrations. There is nothing worse that feeling alone.</p>

<p>Adversity does make you stronger. All the best - you have a very bright future ahead.</p>

26

<p>OP, I am concerned about your instinct to turn inward and isolate yourself. I understand that you function in a socially appropriate way, but you are still tending to withdraw, no? I am not meaning to imply that you have to be a wild extrovert to be happy and normal. But I do detect an undercurrent that leads me to join the voices urging you to seek some counseling or to speak to your physician. If it is determined to be warranted, a course of antidepressants can truly make a difference. I speak from personal experience. Such treatments were not yet available when I was your age and in a similar situation. Please give this some thought.</p>

27

<p>“It is understandable that you would seek a solution to allow the rest of the family to join your dad, but since you are clearly a smart kid you understand that the apartment just isn’t practical or desirable. Counseling would really help you understand your feelings and help you find ways to overcome the stress. It would also help you realize that you didn’t create the situation and aren’t responsible for solving it; you are not at fault. There might well be area counselors that work on an ability to pay rather than a flat fee. The guidance office should be able to help refer you, or you or your mother could ask the family’s pediatrician for suggestions.”</p>

<p>It’s important for the OP and responders to consider that it’s not just the OP who is stressed and depressed. Probably everyone in his family is stressed and depressed, and they all are showing that in different ways. The sister’s temper tantrums possibly are related to depression, which can manifest as anger. </p>

<p>The mother is likely stressed and depressed with having to deal with the sister’s behavior, the separation from her husband, the economic problems, figuring out how to attempt to help the OP achieve his college dreams, and coping with bills and other problems, many of which the OP probably is unaware of. For instance, if the mother is working, in this economy, she probably has to take on extra work due to layoffs, and may even be concerned that she’ll be laid off.</p>

<p>It would be wonderful if the OP’s family could get into counseling or if at least one person in the family – the mother or OP (since the OP seems to be aware of the problems) could talk to someone, preferably a professional, who could offer support. The OP may be in the best situation to get help since presumably the OP has a guidance counselor who could offer some free counseling during the school day.</p>

<p>While it would be preferable that everyone in the family get help, if anyone gets help, the relief and support that that person would experience would probably reduce some of the rest of the family’s stress.</p>

<p>The OP’s idea of moving into an apartment for senior year would not help anyone involved including the OP, who has an unrealistic idea about what would be involved in such a move.</p>

28

<p>Many high schools have a school psychologist who sees kids on campus, during the school day, at no cost. The OP should find out if his school has a psychologist available. Talking to a trained therapist will be much better than talking to the school guidance counselor. The OP should view it as an opportunity to discretely get an objective opinion on what he is dealing with and how he can best function in the situation at hand. At least it will be a start. OP-don’t worry about things being awkward if you see a therapist. The therapist will do everything possible to comfortably move the conversation along. Plenty of introverted people who do not really like to discuss their problems find therapy helpful.</p>

29

<p>I applaud you for being open minded to the advice you’re receiving. That type of attitude and willingness to step up to a leadership role in your family will bring you out of this as a stronger person.</p>

<p>Just remember that we as parents aren’t perfect and we do the best that we can do for our family. Support your mom and little sister in any way that you can and it will come back to you through a stronger bond and less stressful environment.</p>

<p>As others have pointed out, this is a temporary situation that others have faced and survived. I know two college professors who taught at campuses in two different states for a couple of years until they could get onto the same campus. I also know a friend of my daughters whose family moved across country sophomore year then back to the original location at the end of junior year (due to Dad’s work). She returned here for college. </p>

<p>You too will get through this with love and support from and for your family. Best wishes to you and your family.</p>

30

<p>What about applying to college a year early? It seems like this would solve a number of problems for the family, and, with this student’s profile, would not be too much of an academic challenge. Carnegie Mellon has a program for early applicants; I’m sure there are others.</p>

<p>To tell the truth, I can see your senior year courses as being less than challenging, and college might be the best place for you. It’s certainly worth investigating. While you are at it, look into programs for high achievers for next summer; these will give you a college-type experience as well as possibly some college credits. These programs are very helpful in moving you along in the college process. You’ll learn that you are capable of college work and find out many of the pluses and minuses of college life. It will also give you a goal to work towards this year, which may help diffuse some of your stress.</p>

31

<p>Your idea may be unworkable because of your age. I’m assuming you’re under 18 and will be 18 sometime during your senior year. Renting to a minor may be your biggest problem unless your plan is to lie about the situation. That in itself brings up problems if the landlord finds out about the situation and decides to kick you out. The other major factor is who’s responsible should you need immediate attention of any type. No one would be available if you lived alone. School-wise, who would sign permission slips or other documents to school requires? Long distance signing may not be possible.</p>

<p>Your best bet with your parents is if you could live with family or friends in the district. That way you’d have a willing adult who would be responsible for your well being and your parents would be more comfortable too. While it’s not what you want, it’s likely the best solution for you, should your parents agree. Your only other solutions are to move or stick it out with your mother and sister for another school year. Another thing you can do is to see if you can graduate early. You would at least be able to shorten the period to the end of 2010 versus the middle of 2011.</p>

32

<p>The idea probably also is unworkable because the family is having economic problems and wouldn’t be able to pay for a third residence for family members. They already are financially stretched, and having to pay for a residence for the dad, who’s now having to work across the country.</p>

<p>If it were possible for the whole family to move cross country now, I imagine they would do that. I am assuming there are more reasons to financially and emotionally sacrifice to have dad across country than simply to allow the OP to finish their current high school. If they would have to sell a house, that could be a reason. If the mother has a job, that also could be why the mother and siblings are staying put. If it’s only because of the OP, then it would make sense for the 3 of them to move together to be with the father.</p>

<p>Someone suggested that he go to college early. Who is going to pay for that? The parents probably are worrying now about how they’ll pay for him to attend college in 2011. Unless he literally is able to get a full ride, they may have problems paying for college.</p>

<p>As I’ve suggested, he may be able to reduce his stress and the family stress by getting a job and contributing to household expenses. This won’t hurt him when it comes to colleges. The colleges that factor ECs into admission regard working to help with one’s family as a strong EC.</p>

33

<p>Moving the summer before your Senior year is not ideal but it is not terminal. I did it.</p>

34

<p>I second the suggestion of living with a friend’s family. I know two kids who did it precisely because their family moved just before their senior year. Unfortunately you said your mom is dead set against it… but it’s not really an uncommon thing to do.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t let my h.s. senior live on his/her own. Its just not a good idea for more reasons than I can count. Even when you’re “on your own” in college you’ll probably be in a dorm, with other students and an RA and campus security.</p>

35

<p>If my senior high school kiddo wanted to “live on their own”, I would say “fine…get a job and live on your own…but we are not paying ANY of your expenses”. </p>

<p>I didn’t hear that the OP planned to pay the bills.</p>

36

<p>Didn’t read this whole thread so maybe someone already pointed this out–you don’t need to graduate HS to go to college. Some will accept you without a HS diploma. If you are a strong student with some good AP results already, you might be a good candidate for early college. You might be able to finish HS requirements next summer if you’d feel more secure with the HS diploma. Check out Simon’s Rock… But most application deadlines are Jan 1, so this is going to take some fast work (essays and apps) on your part, and financial aid forms on your parents’ part. </p>

<p>If you have to stay, cultivate more of a social network to ease the stress. Find other safe places to take a break when you need one, and some understanding people to confide in. Friends’ parents might be sympathetic. Lots of kids in HS struggle with family discord. It can be very lonely to feel you are the only one, which you are certainly not. Your sister might appreciate you taking her under your wing a little, like taking her out to do something fun occasionally and giving your mom a break, and it might comfort her by stepping in a bit for the relationship she is missing with your dad. It’s easier to escape a stressful scene, but you’ll grow by helping your sister adapt.</p>

37

<p>Momma-three…</p>

<p>The OP’s mom hasn’t done anything crazy like that mom in the other thread, so this is a completely different situation.</p>

38

<p>If you’re a high test scorer, you have good grades, and you’ll be looking for merit scholarships (since money is a problem), don’t do anything that will mess that up (like going to a CC or something else first. Your best merit opportunities will be offered when you are a high school senior.</p>

<p>Since your dad is now employed, I don’t know if his earnings are now too high for you to qualify for much/if any financial aid (besides loans). So, if you think that your family will not be able to meet its EFC and you want merit scholarships, work as hard as you can, get top ACT/SAT scores and grab the best merit scholarships you can.</p>

<p>What are your test scores and GPA?</p>

39

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<p>I wouldn’t assume that. When my oldest sister hit high school age, my mom moved down from Alaska specifically so my sis could go to a Catholic high school like she wanted to. My father stayed in Alaska for a couple years before he could find a buyer for the house in Alaska and a new job in Washington. So the OP’s scenario is completely plausible to me (although there certainly COULD be other factors the mom isn’t talking about.)</p>

<p>That said, I don’t think the OP should be on his own yet because of his tendency to turn inward rather than seeking outside help when problems arise. If he is depressed or develops other problems, things could unravel quickly. If the OP could live with an adult family friend, that might be doable.</p>

<p>OP, I second the counseling suggestion. It sounds like you’re under a lot of stress.</p>

40

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<p>I think there’s nothing wrong with suggesting the OP act like a big brother – which he is – to his little sister. It’s not inappropriate, terribly or otherwise. If little sis gets some positive attention from her big bro, it might help her a lot, which in turn helps the OP and his mom. </p>

<p>MomPhD, Simon’s Rock is no place for people with financial struggles. It’s an expensive school and they don’t (can’t) meet full need. The best merit scholarships are given to fall admits who apply early (by Feb. 1), but even the best merit scholarship is tuition only – there are no full rides. </p>

<p>OP, I suggest bicycling for stress relief, and it’s something you can do with your sister! :)</p>