Advice on how/when/where to move out and away from my mother?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi there, </p>

<p>I didn't want to revive my old thread because this question is specific about something else, but I posted a while ago about my anxieties about living away from home and in a dorm with a stranger, and I was going through a really hard time. Since then, I've gotten better and have become stronger with controlling my anxiety, and I've been doing well in school and saving up money. In general, everything is going well, but one thing is holding me back: my mother. </p>

<p>I really don't know how to explain it, but she's... Changed. I think she's depressed since we're (or rather she) isn't making a lot of money because her job cut her to 29 hrs/wk, and she's just bitter and unpleasant all of the time. I'm either too lazy or too selfish, I'm either not doing enough or doing too much, I seem to make her life harder than it has to be; everything is just always a disaster. When I wake up in the morning and talk to her, she always makes snide comments about things and just always makes me feel bad about myself. I think she's an alcoholic, too, but I can't really prove it. She's been grumpy like this ever since my father died a few years ago.</p>

<p>Basically, I wish I didn't move back home because this situation is frustrating and disheartening, but I knew that it wasn't working where I was at. My university has no singles available because housing is overbooked and they're building more (it's a regional school made for commuters that's just starting to expand), and I don't think they let you stay just for the winter semester anyway. </p>

<p>So essentially, I'd like to explore my options. Here's what I'm thinking:</p>

<ul>
<li>stick it out until next fall and get a student apartment for the year </li>
<li>maybe find a 6 month lease in my uni's area in January </li>
<li>or just get a permanent-ish apartment in my uni's area in January and try and get out</li>
</ul>

<p>I also plan on going for a 3 week study abroad trip in July that'll cost around 3k, so I need to keep that in mind with money spent/bills to be paid while I'm not there. </p>

<p>I've saved a bit of money over my life (around 7k, though my mom doesn't actually know how much. I was always worried she'd try and take it since we were poor), so I'm sure I could find something and pay for it in the short run. I have a decent on-campus job with $9/hr that will get eventually get capped at $12/hr, all of my tuition is paid for, and I get Pell Grant refunds, which all help a lot. </p>

<p>I know that I probably COULD pull this off, but also, a part of me aches for my mom when she's normal. When she's not all moody and mean, she's a lot of fun, and she's simply the mom that I'm used to. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know her anymore, and this really hurts. Thinking about moving out makes me sad because I miss the mom that I had, but I recognize that my life is toxic and unhealthy right now with her. </p>

<p>So, given my situation and circumstances, what should I do? I'm trying to be responsible and reasonable, but I feel disadvantaged because my mom isn't really a supportive figure in my life right now. </p>

<p>Thank you so much for reading.</p>

2

<p>Any chance you could sublet a room in an off campus apartment for the next term? At my kids’ colleges, students were routinely looking for sub letters while they did a study abroad, or in some cases, seniors who graduate in December but have a full year lease.</p>

<p>This would give you the chance to live near your college campus until the spring term ends. Maybe that would be just the “break” you need…and would get you into the swing of living at college again.</p>

3

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</p>

<p>Please find an Al-Anon meeting to go to. And give it at least a few meetings to see if it’s right for you. I am sorry that you’re having to go through this, but you seem to have some long-term goals, which is good.</p>

4

<p>All your scenarios sound good. Subletting is another option like thumper mentioned.
Don’t deplete your nest egg if you can help it. The study abroad as good as it may be is expensive in your situation.
Keep your head down with your mom–don’t get in fights and take a deep breath when things get too big to seemingly handle. Enjoy the good moments. And try to skate over the bad as well as you can. She has a lot going on but the BEST thing you can do for her is taking care of yourself first.</p>

5

<p>I agree with the Al Anon suggestion. Or consider attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, which, when I was in my 20s, I went to for about a year, and it changed my life. I had an alcoholic father and my mother suffered from mental illness. Those meetings helped me unlearn survival behavior (necessary to cope with my parents) and learn new things to help me thrive as I grew into an adult. There are also books on the subject; I read several at the time and they were great supplements to the meetings.</p>

<p>I can understand you might have some guilt moving forward with your life when your mom’s life seems more uncertain. It’s okay to have your own life. When you start making positive choices and decisions, your loved ones sometimes take note and start to follow your lead. </p>

<p>And keep your mom always a part of your life, although you don’t have to tell her or include her in everything. Because of my mom’s mental illness, I realized at about age 15 that I had to give her an edited version of what was going on with me. And, what you feel for your mom today may no doubt change as your life does. In my 20s, I spent more time making a life for myself, then in my 30s I got married & had a child and I wanted my mom around a lot more then.</p>

6

<p>I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are really coping with a lot of stress in a very mature way – evaluating your options with education the goal.</p>

<p>Mothers and daughters often have very fraught relationships. I think your mom is still hurting from your dad’s death, and she may view you as the only emotional support she has, so she lets herself be completely unedited (unpleasant, nasty, negative) because she has no one else.</p>

<p>That’s not to say your role is to support her. You have your own life to think of. Yes, she is a drag to be around, so don’t be around her (for now). She is your mother and you and she will always have a relationship, and someday it may be a more positive one.</p>

<p>One last thing – if she had you when she was in her late 20s/early 30s, the cruel thing is that your life is opening up and becoming exciting just as hers is winding down and becoming depressing. The contrast does not go unnoticed by us in the “winding down” phase. Moms are human. She may just flat out envy you – your youth, your beauty, your ability to go out til 3 am and still look fresh as a daisy for an 8 am class :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I’m not saying your dynamic is a superficial one, but I do think a lot of the tension between mothers and daughters is partly due to daughters launching their own life while moms view the tail end of theirs.</p>

7

<p>This is what I wrote in your previous thread, in part:</p>

<p>"I think you and your mother need some counseling. It’s great that your mother welcomes you with a warm bed and meal, but she may also be enabling you. I think your mom may need help in letting you go, and helping you let go.</p>

<p>I am usually in the camp of letting a kid come home and not forcing growth, letting it happen with maximum support. But there is something wrong with this picture.</p>

<p>You have friends and support at school. Get more, whatever you need. Go on medication temporarily. You just need to get over the hump of homesickness. I remember doing this at camp. You will continue to struggle with homesickness because each time you go home, you are leaving it all over again. Human psychology tends toward adjustment, and if you stay at school more, it will become “home.” That is not possible as long as you are going back and forth so much.</p>

<p>Please understand that your mother may not be really helping you, much as she loves you and thinks she is helping you. That may be hard to hear. I cannot judge from online posts. She may need some advice from someone who understands this transition. "</p>

<p>I also suggested that you AND your mother get counseling, separately and/or together.</p>

<p>You are going to keep ping-ponging out of home, where you experience anxiety with roommates, back home, where you experience trouble with your mom, then back out again. The death of your father obviously has set in motion a cascade of events that you both need help with. Your mother cannot let you go but when you come home, she is unpleasant. When you leave, you yearn for your old mother, then go back, and find her changed.</p>

<p>Your mother and you need some professional help. Did you go to counseling? Many of us here on CC suggested it. Honestly, not to be unkind, but don’t use college confidential for counseling. Get a real-life therapist. Please. Things can work out but you need to get out of this repetitive cycle. And I doubt you can do this yourself; even if you can, your mother will affect your progress.</p>

8

<p>I think a lot of people told you not to move back home, but you took that route nevertheless. I am just wondering if it’s going to be one crisis after another. I was going to say, “Sorry to be harsh,” but it is what it is.</p>

9

<p>Thank you for all of your replies! </p>

<p>And to elaborate, I did seek counseling, and it did help me a lot. I went and used my university’s health center and talked about my anxieties with roommates/people/change. I learned some coping mechanisms for when I get suddenly overwhelmed by things, and it’s really helped out, even with simple things like test anxiety. I haven’t felt panicked about tests since I’ve gone. But I haven’t addressed my family issues, as they’re really starting to come full circle as of late. </p>

<p>And also, I did tell my mom to get some help for her depression, but she won’t. One night we had a shout out, and I told her to get help. I told her I talked to people about my problems and that she should for hers. She slammed the door in my face and threw something at me when I tried to come in and talked to her, so I had to leave it at that. </p>

<p>Basically, I realize that I’ve done my fair share to help her and that I do need to move on in my life. Hopefully she can follow suit. </p>

<p>I’ll definitely look into the apartment subletting, but I think I’d prefer to be in a place by myself. I know it’s more expensive, but until I can find some friends that I’m comfortable enough with to live with (and who can afford to live off-campus), I’m not sure if I should rush in another situation where I’ll just want to give up and flee. But maybe I’ll get there.</p>

10

<p>Well I guess I did learn a lesson, then. I assumed moving home would be okay, but it’s not, so I guess I have to grow up and move out on my own. </p>

<p>I don’t know if I’m ready, but I have a small list of options at this point. Dorming failed twice, and now so is home. I don’t really belong anywhere.</p>

11

<p>Middle- hugs to you. Grief is a confounding thing and it has a way of bouncing back into your life just when you think you’re starting a clean slate.</p>

<p>I think giving the therapist another go-round is a great suggestion. You may want to practice some small chunks of living independently before you do anything big which will likely set off more anxiety.</p>

<p>So- does your U have a central clearing house for professors or grad students looking for someone to house-sit for a few weeks while they are traveling? You may not be ready for full independence, but could you handle watering the plants and taking in the mail for a professor for a couple of weeks? I bet you could.</p>

<p>You could check craigslist for someone offering an in-law apartment (usually a room over their garage) in exchange for a few hours of babysitting or dogwalking on the weekends. Could you handle that for a few weeks on a trial run?</p>

<p>I think even with counseling you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache if you frame your situation as “Live with toxic and depressed mother or move out and feel anxious and scared all the time”. If you were my friend in real life, I would suggest breaking your situation down into small and manageable lumps. So that might mean: I’m going to spend next Friday and Saturday night with a friend on campus, bunked on the floor or a spare couch. You tell your mom on Wednesday that you’re working on a class project and it will maximize your study time if you just stay on campus from Friday -Sunday.</p>

<p>See how that goes. Two nights with a friend? More time to study, plus a chance to gab and socialize? What a great plan!</p>

<p>Baby steps. This will help you see that there are solutions to your problem that are not quite as stark as “Make myself Happy by Abandoning Depressed and Cranky Mother” which quite naturally, make you feel anxious and guilty.</p>

<p>I knew kids at college who lived at home for financial reasons but who basically were never there. Maybe once a week to swap out their clothes and make sure the dog was still alive. Many of them had difficult family situations like yours, and it seemed to trigger less anxiety for both the student and the parent to feel that the kid was “living at home” even when said kid was actually kinda sorta living with friends.</p>

<p>You may decide you want a lease and a proper apartment-- more power to you. But baby steps to get there. Don’t add to your burden by deciding that you’ve got to actually move out in order to give yourself a breather from dealing with your mom’s issues.</p>

<p>Her situation is very sad, but I am very old and so I will tell you that nobody goes to therapy until they are ready and want to get help. Nobody stops drinking until they decide they want to be sober. I know this is painful for you- but right now you are tending to your own emotional needs, and I hope that your Mom decides to do the same for herself when she’s ready.</p>

<p>Hugs. Making you hot cocoa from far away…</p>

12

<p>Everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately, you didn’t take care of your anxieties until after you made some, but it’s good that you’ve finally made strides in a better direction. </p>

<p>IMO, I don’t think you should rush out too soon. I know you feel overwhelmed by her right now, but what if you move into an apartment, feel anxious and uncomfortable again, and then move back home AGAIN? 3 time’s a charm, and I don’t think many people would have as much sympathy for you if you again rushed into something. </p>

<p>Try and spend as much time as you can at school. Is it just the whole sleeping/showering/taking care of yourself in front of other people that bothers you? If so, maybe make it so that you only spend sleeping and grooming hours at home. Tell your mom you want to do all your work at school with the resources and focus available, and then just come home for a late dinner. If this makes her angry, remind her of how it would be for her if you were still at school, and promise to go out to lunch with her or something on the weekends. If you can do all of your core socializing/studying at your college, facing home problems won’t be as harmful to your grades. At least you’ll be able to get some positive energy in. </p>

<p>And also, have you gotten to know any of your professors? Often times they’re great means of support and nurture in an academic way. I don’t mean to say that they can fill the void of a mother or father, but for some students, their professors’ encouragement and interest in their dreams/goals means a lot and is more than they get at home. Having a mentor is very comforting, and sometimes they can even help you on a personal level. </p>

<p>Good luck with everything. </p>

<p>PS - I’m the daughter of a widow, too. They’re needy, but also, they have a great capacity to love. I didn’t see that you have any siblings, so also, you’re all she’s got. You’re both the dart board and the backdrop. And likewise, she’s yours. It does get better, and it can work out after things calm down emotionally.</p>

13

<p>I feel really bad for both of you. I am so sorry you lost your dad. Your mom sounds really stressed. I have no good advice though. Maybe you could just tell your mom that you love her and you are there for her, call her on occasion and tell her you are thinking of her. That might make a difference to her.</p>

14

<p>I think you should move out entirely. This will force your mother to face her issues and get help. And that way, you will not straddle worlds and will adjust to being on your own. As long as you go back and forth, I think you will not adjust to either world, home or school. Living at school will make you a real member of the community: right now you are not. And you had good friends who wanted you to be part of their community, as I remember.</p>

<p>I think that getting a place by yourself can result in extreme loneliness, at the present time. It is a fantasy of control that will not necessarily feel good in reality. I think the best possible situation would be a single in a dorm, where you have that control, but also the opportunity to see people, eat with them, and so on.</p>

<p>I find it hard to believe that the college does not have this option for anyone. You need to get a therapist to advocate for you through the office of disabilities, where you can register and ask for the accommodation of a single room based on severe “social anxiety” (tell them also that you lost your father, and you cannot live at home with your mother).</p>

<p>As for counseling, good for you for going, but you are not in a situation where a few meetings with a therapist suffice. And, in fact, you were not in the anxiety-provoking situation (rooming with someone) when you saw the counselor, is that right?</p>

<p>You need ongoing, once or twice a week help for an extended period, given your anxieties and your family situation. You might also benefit from a psychiatry appointment to think about meds. Otherwise, any option you choose is going to be problematic and you will keep ricocheting between them. This is a very important moment in your life.</p>

<p>It is very hard to leave a mother who has been widowed and is having troubles, but you will be helping her in the long run by separating and getting help so you can truly do that. You can still visit your mother, but be clear in your own mind that you live elsewhere, so that your mom can begin to build both boundaries and inner strength. Hopefully, she will seek help. You can still be a good daughter but it is not up to you to save her life, metaphorically speaking. You need to build your own, and then you will be even more able to give to your mother, in a more detached way.</p>

<p>Please, get documentation of your anxieties with a professional. Take that documentation, with the professional’s support, to your college disabilities office or dean and ask for a single room. Colleges are legally obliged to offer this kind of accommodation, unless it is too expensive for them somehow, which is unlikely. Live in the dorm and try to have a good social life while you have the control of a single room. Keep in touch with or visit your mom but try to go a week or two without it too.</p>

<p>This is all just opinion and based on online communication, but I hope it helps.</p>

15

<p>May times people who are alcoholics and/or are suffering depression don’t want help, and in my experience sometimes hurt people lash out at those they love, which isn’t good for you if she doesn’t recognize that she’s doing it, stop, etc. My aunt had to hit rock bottom before she became sober, but has been sober over 20 years now.</p>

<p>It’s great that you have sought help and I suggest that you continue to do so, and if your mother refuses to do so, it would be better for you to move out. If and when you do move out, let her know that you love her but that she needs to get help. </p>

<p>However, having your own room or place might make you too lonely, as compmom said, especially if you also suffer any social anxiety. My daughter suffers from social anxiety, but didn’t want her own room, but it has worked out for her as she ended up with a compatible roommate, even if they don’t spend much time together outside of their room (other than one club in common). If you do get your own place, I suggest you try what my daughter did and get involved in college clubs/groups in areas you enjoy. This is almost her entire social life right now, but she gets to meet people with similar interests outside of her major. She is so much happier than when she lived at home (not that we stopped her from having a social life, but there is so much more available on campus and she doesn’t have to worry about transportation, etc).</p>

16

<p>Just to add that being part of a community is really essential for someone in your position. Living off campus can sometimes interfere with that sense of community, as much as living at home.</p>