A family problem...

Parents Forum
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<p>Alright so I have a minor family problem. I thought the best place for advice would be the Parents Forum so sorry to bother you guys. And by the way, I'm in my Junior year of HS right now.</p>

<p>The problems started when my dad first moved away for work. The recession kinda hit us and my dad was forced to go across the country for work. So, that left me, my sister, and my mom at our home in MA. This was back in like August by the way. So, since them, we have been living by ourselves. As a consequence, the tension and emotions in the house often run somewhat high. I'm not saying its like horrible and causing me to fail HS right now, but it does add stress to me that I feel is unnecessary.</p>

<p>So, I proposed to my mom a solution. I want to live in an apartment Senior year by myself. This way, I figured that my mom and sister can move back with my dad and I can live by myself senior year. I feel like I'm capable of taking on this responsibility. I mean its one year before I have to go to college and be an adult anyways. Perhaps predictably, my mom balked at the idea. She even refused to consider my plan.</p>

<p>But my problem is I don't think I can personally take another 1.5 years of this; I feel like a piece of crap almost every other day and can't seem to have fun even when I'm away from home at school or something. I think I would be much less stressed (and happier) in an environment where emotions wouldn't run as high. Plus, I tend to keep to myself. I'm not saying I'm a loner or anything, I have friends and everything. But I can keep myself happy with basic necessities. I was just wondering what you guys think would be the best thing for me to do in this scenario.</p>

<p>Oh and in case anyone here is wondering why my family doesn't just all move, it's a little complicated. See, my family wants me to finish my HS here in MA. And we wouldn't be able to move until my Senior year anyways (and I have to agree it would suck to move to a completely new state my Sr. year). Any advice for me? Is my idea of living by myself Sr. year just bad or do you guys think it would be better for me?</p>

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<p>That sounds like a difficult situation. Can you talk with your mom and dad about the stress? Could some of the stress come from being a junior in HS? Keep in mind that junior year is already stressful with the beginning of the college planning process and standardized tests and the like. My DD is a senior now and no way would I let her live alone while I was far away - as a parent, I just would not do that. However, if she approached me with what you are saying, I would sit and discuss with her what we could do together, as a family unit, to try and relieve some of the stress. I would work with her, but I do not see how I would move away even if she had relatives to stay with. So, I think you should talk with her about why you see this as a solution - and perhaps together you can come up with some other things that could improve the atmosphere at home. Best of luck with it all. I know it is a hard time for you.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the help. See, the problem is its not academics thats getting me stressed out and like on the verge of depression. I somehow manage to keep a 4.0GPA and have SATs above 2300 even with all this **** going on at home. I don’t even stress about my classwork. Like I mean I’ll sit down to study or something and I just can’t cuz I feel like crap. So I just go and take the test and still get an A on it. So its not academics.</p>

<p>But see I tried talking about the stress. And I can’t see anything that can reduce it. My sister is like 10 so she is just really stressed about all this. She throws tantrums and the stress just like passes onto my mom. This entire ugly cycle makes the stress and emotion level run high. And I tried talking to my mom about it, but she told me she was trying her best (she really is btw. I can’t imagine what she is going through). So I can’t really be like stop showing stress to her or my sister. Ugh…I’ve never felt so like negatively about life…this sucks. I feel like if I could just get away from it all (the family issues, the money issues…) after this year, life will get better. Does anyone have any more advice for me? Oh and thanks in advance; it does really help.</p>

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<p>I understand how you feel - in terms of wanting to get away from the stress, but one thing to think about is that you might be replacing the current stress with a different kind of stress - one of being on your own and responsible for many things - food, transportation, etc. And you would not have any family nearby. That could add a certain element of lonliness and more stress to your life. I’m just a parent, so my advice/opinion comes from that point of view but a few things occurred to me reading your second post. Perhaps your mom could speak to the guidance counselor at your sister’s school - it sounds like this is even more difficult on her - which it might be at her age. She might need another trusted adult to confide in. The same thing might apply to you - do you have a guidance counselor or other trusted adult you could talk to - perhaps a parent of a close friend or a neighbor? It seems this situation is affecting all of you and you may all need to find someone out side of the three of you to vent to and to give you some perspective on all of this. I’m sorry your family is going through this. One other thought - maybe give some special attention to your sister - offer to watch a movie with her or something like that - it sounds like she could use your support right now too.</p>

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<p>Do you have a good friend, whose parents your mom trusts, with whom you could live?</p>

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<p>Changing schools for senior year isn’t ideal. But neither is the situation you describe. </p>

<p>And I wouldn’t let my 18 year old senior live on his own to finish high school while the rest of us moved away. Best solution would be to move in with a family friend for the year. Second best would be for everyone to move to the new location.</p>

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<p>Well, I do have a GC I can talk to. But like I said, I’m the type of person who just can’t bring himself to talk about these things with strangers. Like I would much rather just deal with this for another 1.5 years and go to college.</p>

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<p>My sister goes to the elementary school in our town. Not only is there no guidance counselor, the building itself is like falling apart. It just needs to be rebuilt from the ground up, but my conservative town votes no on budget after budget.</p>

<p>Now going to like a outside psychologist or someone would be a possibility. Its just too bad that our insurance sucks so we can’t really afford that. I mean I guess we could if we really needed it, but yeah…</p>

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<p>I’ll try lol. But right now, I can’t even make myself stop feeling like cap every day. I will try to do that though.</p>

<p>And thanks for your advice; you helped me see things I hadn’t seen. I’m open to any other advice. Thanks.</p>

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<p>We have known families that have ‘taken’ in a senior whose family had to move for business. Do you and your mother have any good relationships with another family in your school district that might be willing to “take you in” for your senior year? I just made that offer to a friend of my son whose family is moving in January. With one in college we had an extra bedroom. To be honest, as a “mom” I would have a very difficult time leaving a son behind in an apartment. Yes going to college means you’ll be on your own, but in college freshman have the safety net of the dorm setting, instant food everywhere, no need for transportation or free transportation. All things and more that aren’t part of living alone in an apartment. I’m guessing you aren’t 18 either, do still legally a juvenile?</p>

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<p>I think it’s perfectly reasonable for your mom to refuse to let you live by yourself. For one thing, you’re not 18. There are things you cannot legally do, like authorize your own medical care, sign permission slips for school, etc. You may feel like you can handle yourself like an adult, but in the eyes of the law, you are still a minor. Also, living alone is extremely difficult in a ton of little ways you probably don’t even realize. Paying rent, bills, having to cook and shop for yourself, do laundry, be responsible for your own behavior, with no fall back, no safety net. You probably think you’re ready for that. You may already make food for yourself and do your own laundry as a household chore. But it’s very different when you’re alone, especially when your family is far away. And God forbid something should happen like a break in or some other criminal incident, your parents could be prosecuted for leaving a minor unsupervised and unprotected. </p>

<p>The most important reason though, is that you can’t just run away from the problem. If your family is having trouble getting along, because of the stress with the economy, your dad being away, etc, moving out is not the answer. Learning to communicate better as a family is going to help. Learning to have a little more patience and understanding is going to help. Finding a place outside of your home to study (like the public library, a friends house, a coffee shop) is one way you can get your own space and your peace and quiet without breaking up your family. Yes, this situation is hard, but this is your family, you need to stick together.</p>

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<p>I want to make sure I have this correct. Your dad is living in one place where he works. The rest of you are living in a second place in MA. AND you are proposing setting up a THIRD place of residence for yourself in MA? Perhaps some of the reason for the “opposition” is the expense of you living in an apartment by yourself. You will have rent, utilities, food, etc that right now is covered at your mom’s place. </p>

<p>Or…are you saying that you will stay in MA and mom and sis will go with dad? If so, I agree with other posters who have said that I would not allow my own high school senior to do this. Also, you need to check your school’s policies. Where I live and work (I’m a teacher) a student whose family lives in a different school district has to pay tuition to attend our school regardless of where the kid lives. The important thing is where the PARENTS live as the kids are dependents…and their place of residency is with their custodial parent. If your parents are living across the country…your place of residence would likely be there.</p>

<p>Where I am, even IF you had a good family friend with whom to live…you would have to pay tuition to attend the school if your family lived elsewhere.</p>

<p>I would suggest figuring out some other ways to “create some space” for yourself. Study at the library, and come home for dinner and bedtime. Volunteer some time at a food bank or soup kitchen on the weekends. Get a job. Work out (jog, walk or exercise). In other words…do something for yourself, but also be there for your family.</p>

<p>It sounds like they have enough expense and stress without having to be concerned about the added expense of the apartment you want on your own. Or…do you have enough money to pay for all of this yourself.</p>

<p>It sounds like you have a situation that is stressfull for your whole family. If there is any way to bind together and help each other, please try to do this.</p>

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<p>My mom is just COMPLETELY against the idea of me leaving home in any way. Besides, I don’t feel like more people is the answer right now. I just want to live by myself for a while and figure out my life. I’m kind of the type of person who just wants to be left alone if I have like a problem. I just want like time alone to reconcile the problem with myself.</p>

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<p>Maybe. But my family isn’t all big on moving me my Sr. year. I call it the curse of getting high std. test scores. They think (and I would agree to an extent) that moving will mess with my education. And if theres one thing my family won’t mess with its a) basic necessities and b) education.</p>

<p>Alright, now I feel guilty for bothering you guys. I’m sorry if it looks like I’m just saying no to every idea you guys throw out. It’s just that I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Anyways, thanks for all your guys’ help. You guys did help me see things I wouldn’t have otherwise seen.</p>

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<p>Yeah, thats what I proposed to my mom. In our current situation, it would be “budget neutral.”</p>

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<p>At my district, its just as long as you can prove you have a home in the town. Some of my other classmates have a home and live in a neighboring town (divorces), but they attend school in the district because they have a home in the town.</p>

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<p>If other high school kids find out that one of their classmates has an apartment by himself (with parents living across the country), that apartment would become PARTY CITY.</p>

<p>This is a bad idea.</p>

<p>I’m wondering what you’re all fighting about? Are you not respecting your mom?</p>

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<p>It might be hard to believe right now, but you need to keep reaching out to people instead of living alone in an apartment. It is good you are asking for help on the internet, that is a start. I hope that the message you get from here is that you need to keep reaching out to the people in your community. </p>

<p>I think the big issue not addressed here is that it is likely you are suffering from depression, but that you only “recognize” the symptoms of “stress”. Dad is far away, and this is upsetting for Mom and both children. Everyone is reacting slightly differently, either acting out or shutting down emotionally. </p>

<p>Can Dad come home more often to stay with the family? Can you go stay with him for a few weeks instead? A nice vacation for you, a destresser perhaps for Mom. </p>

<p>Once your are done with HS, will the family relocate with Dad or will Dad still try to move back to MA? If it is relocate - maybe you all do want to move to the new state with Dad now even though you need to finish HS. If you can adapt to living alone in an apartment (which you claim) then you could swing a new HS for senior year. (What state do you want to have in-state college tuition? That could be a factor in favor of a move.)</p>

<p>My vote would be to look for ways for you to spend time with Dad. Also for you to get a week here or there maybe staying at a friend or relative’s house – a change of scenery, break from family dynamics, but doesn’t uproot the whole system.</p>

<p>Again, “stress” is just the label you have for what is going on. I bet it is stressful. But I’m not convinced your suggested solution of your own apartment is feasible or would truly solve the situational stress/depression (it could create many more).</p>

<p>I am also wondering if there are any questions or doubts about the stability of your parent’s marriage. I can’t see from here what is going on - but if anyone is worried about it, that would be a huge strain on the family regardless if it were a true issue or not</p>

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<p>Your current situation is very similar to ours. My son is a HS junior this year. His dad’s company relocated last summer so he is living 700 miles away from my son and I while
we stay behind. We made the choice, as a family, to let my son stay in his current HS since his grades are good, he has nice friends, a busy sports life and other community connections. Some people think we are crazy for making this choice. We know it is exactly right for us. </p>

<p>It does require a few adjustments. My son has had to grow up a lot in the past year as he really is the “man” of the house at times. He has to do a few more things around the house that his dad is not here to take care of. He has to make an effort to stay in touch with his dad about every day events so their relationship does not suffer. He and I probably have a better relationship than ever because he recognizes that we are all making sacrifices for each other in order to do what is best in the short run. It does require a great deal of communication by all parties to keep the stress at a minimum and it requires that we look out for each other at all times.</p>

<p>If you approach your situation with the thought that it is temporary, that it could be a chance for you to really take a leadership role for your sister and be a help to your parents during a troubling time for them, you will help reduce the stress. You will also be very surprised by the progress you make towards being the fully independent adult it sounds like you wish to be. I’m not trying to place more on your shoulders but it does sound like your family has your best interest at heart. </p>

<p>We also face about 1.5 years of this ahead. (It will fly!) I would not let my son live alone at this point, it is too soon. This experience IS going to make him very capable of eventually living on his own when the time is right. Look for the good in the situation, learn the lessons, be resilient. Good luck to you!</p>

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<p>Yeah, I kinda see now how it might be unworkable. On a side note though, I can keep a secret. Heck, nobody at my school knows about my current situation. I have this weird ability to appear like nothing is happening outside; it probably hurts me though.</p>

<p>No, I am completely respecting her. I can’t imagine what she is going through and I guess that I just want to get away from my current situation. So, I told her I wanted to live by myself Senior year. Of course, she balked at the idea and probably for good reason. You guys bring up many problems I could encounter living by myself. Of course, I doubt my mom will ever let me do that till college anyways so theres nothing to worry about lol.</p>

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<p>The marriage is as stable as a rock. Can’t say so much for the financial situation though. But even the finances are kinda stable now. Now its just the being split apart part.</p>

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<p>Once I’m in college, if things remain the way they are, the family is going to relocate with Dad.</p>

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<p>I would much rather have in-state at the state I’m in right now. Nonetheless, I really don’t want to go to my state school anyways. I’m seriously considering the move in with dad for Senior year thing.</p>

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<p>One thing I’ll always appreciate my family for. Pretty much the whole thing is so my education (and dreams) aren’t disrupted. Funny thing is, my parents don’t even like what I want to be. (I want to be a public defender btw.) Like they view the entire job as not only risky, but something that just hurts society in general. (They aren’t too cool with the whole defending indigent (or any) criminals.) Yet, they split apart and everything so that I could achieve my dreams.</p>

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<p>Well this weekend, I’m really going to think about all this with myself and this is probably what I’ll do. Maybe taking a leadership role with my sister will bring the entire family closer and make me feel less depressed. And maybe it’ll make 1.5 years fly by.</p>

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<p>My sincere condolences. I know how hard this is. Best of luck to your family and your son, he (and everyone else) is probably going through one hell of a tough time.</p>

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<p>Thanks. I guess thats what I’ll try to do in the 1.5 years I have left in HS.</p>

<p>Oh and I’d like to thank everyone who took time to post to help me. It really did help me. I have like a whole new take on this situation. I see now how running away, while still quite attractive lol, isn’t going to make the problems go away. So, I’ll try to help my sister out and look for and cherish the silver linings.</p>

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<p>It sounds like you really believe that the family is separated because of you; i.e. that your family can’t be together because of their desire to keep you at your current school through graduation. This could cause an underlying guilt complex intesifying the stress that is naturally occuring. You may worry that your mother and sister “blame” you for the separation. Although logically you know this is not true, and that it’s your parents’ decision, it still could be affecting everyone’s emotions. It’s a lot of weight for you to carry!</p>

<p>It is understandable that you would seek a solution to allow the rest of the family to join your dad, but since you are clearly a smart kid you understand that the apartment just isn’t practical or desirable. Counseling would really help you understand your feelings and help you find ways to overcome the stress. It would also help you realize that you didn’t create the situation and aren’t responsible for solving it; you are not at fault. There might well be area counselors that work on an ability to pay rather than a flat fee. The guidance office should be able to help refer you, or you or your mother could ask the family’s pediatrician for suggestions.</p>

<p>In terms of senior year, it’s not unheard of for students to move for senior year; some move much more often. You might want to start investigating the local high school districts where your dad is in terms of potentially moving over the summer. Are the schools there as good as yours or maybe better? This is where the GC at your school might be of help; how disruptive would it be to switch schools? Can you have a continuity of schoolwork and be able to get all the credits you would need in various subjects? When would you plan to take all the standardized tests? How much would you miss your friends and social activities? This is something you could investigate over winter break. It might help to think about what specifically would be affected by moving vs staying at the same school. It could help clarify the choice, and help convince your parents if you really want to move next summer. Or help you realize why you want to stay at your current school.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>It sounds like you’ve taken the advice here to heart and I really commend you for it. It sounds to me, too, like you are depressed, so I encourage you to find someone to talk to. There are therapists and clinics that will pro-rate their fees, so you may be able to find someone affordable. It will really help you feel better to have someone to talk to about this. Resist the urge to withdraw into yourself. Reach out to others – your sister, your mother, friends, adults you trust. You sound like a thoughtful person, and if you can bring yourself to reach out, you will find that others respond in kind.</p>

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<p>Our family went through a similar experience (H took a job in another state, leaving me with 6 kids at home. . .+other issues that made this scenario even worse than it sounds. . .) Anyway, after being separated during our D’s junior year, we moved the summer before her senior year. This took her away from her job, her sports team/coaches she loved, and totally messed up her junior year academically. It was painful at first, but it worked out in the end. D was extremely helpful, and didn’t get TOO resentful or focus on herself. She did find friends at her new school. Sports didn’t work out so great, but she is now a very happy freshman in college. </p>

<p>A lot of families are separated like this nowadays. Can you all move to where your dad is and finish high school there? Not ideal to move senior year, I know, but this is more common than you might think. It can work out. Finishing high school where you are now is not as important as getting the family back together, IMO. Maybe your mom felt she was making this sacrifice for the sake of your education, but being separated is worse than she thought it would be. There are 1000s of high schools out there, but you only have ONE family. Try to approach the new location with a positive attitude and look for opportunities there. I have to admit, my D was dumped on a lot. She took on massive responsibility that a 16-17yo shouldn’t have. I’m sorry she had to go through this, but it really tested her and she did gain strength and maturity from this experience. You’ll get through it. Look forward to college. Be thankful for what you have–you have a family, place to live, food on the table, dad has a job–even if far away. Keep it in perspective.</p>

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<p>If you have to start a new school in senior year, it will not be the end of the world. It does not have to mess up your education. In fact, you may be pleasantly surprised how easy things turn out to be.</p>

<p>You can still get letters from your old school for college. Even the counselor letter. My daughter changed schools starting in junior year. Her old counselor is filling out a separate school report form in addition to the one from her new school. For my daughter, she made new friends and was pretty well-adjusted by November. </p>

<p>As a family we were very, very worried about the impact of the move on her education. She really didn’t want to move. But now she is really glad she moved. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Can you graduate early, move with mom and sister to be with dad, attend a CC for one year and then apply for a four year school? With your grades and test scores, you have lots of choices. In any case, living on your own is a bad idea at your age. I did it when I was 17 and it can be very challenging to manage everything. Even a great 17 year-old with good judgment is likely to run into some poor decision making in that situation. Maybe your family is insisting you finish out your senior year because they think you will fall apart if you have to leave before then. if you are open to changing schools so your family can be together again, tell your mom you think you might be happier with your family at a new school than being apart so you can stay at your current school. You might be the one who brings happiness back to the family unit by agreeing to move. And, it would make a great essay to go along with your GPA and test scores.</p>