About 7 months into Japan exchange- thoughts?

[Qixiyo]

I honestly don’t know where else to talk about this but here I go. I’ve been dreaming of going to Japan since freshman year and took Japanese classes at my school, followed my dreams and came here, for reference this is a high school exchange. My life in the states, both home and school were absolutely terrible which isn’t important but I’m definitely not going back home early.

My program has districts with other exchange students and students who have returned and such, and I just got back from a Kyoto trip with them. I considered this my last chance to befriend them because I sperged my first impressions with them but alas despite my attempts I am the outcast as usual and ended up socializing more with Japanese people. Additionally we got to meet some new exchange students from that area, sperged with them too because I got news my dog died back home and lost my composure a bit.

I loved Kyoto and such, the old style streets and everything but my anxiety definitely maxed there and we were rushed around a lot, the other foreigners (even the other American) not liking me certainly didn’t help. I was looking forward to that trip a lot but hopefully I can go back someday.

Besides that I attend a local high school here. The students were quite welcoming and I have gone out with them some but I’m still awkward, and during the lunchtime I go on my phone (which is surprisingly common here). I do well in school in the U.S. but the only classes I participate here in are English, PE, etc. although I still am awful at sports.

None of my host families have been amazing, but none awful either. First one had cute kids, so far I like them the best but I’m not good with little kids and the first few months of exchange are hard. 2nd one was a dud, the boys were in their rooms all the time and didn’t talk to me, I didn’t like the host parents a whole lot despite them getting presents for me and such. One right now I enjoy living with but they don’t go out at all. I’ll be happy to move to a new city soon.

It’s just awful because everyone talks of exchange being the best thing either. I feel like crying here a lot but can’t. Although some parts of my social anxiety has improved, I am still unable to form friendships and no matter how many times I hang out with someone I’m still awkward. At the very least, coming here makes me want to seek therapy to improve my life and truly be able to enjoy all this wonderful things (I was suicidal before coming here) but obviously I can’t now, bad timing. I wouldn’t mind coming back here for college.

By no means do I regret this exchange, even with all the bad parts I’ve made better memories here than I have for most of my adolescence. I don’t have any other foreign friends really to go out with and such but all I can do now is just make the most of these last 4 months. Today I’ve spend recovering from the Kyoto trip but I’m trying to keep my head up. Any advice someone can give me to enjoy these last parts? Ask a guy out here? Maybe try befriending foreigners I see walking around? Just do what I can with my Japanese acquaintances?

[Pegisus]

Hi. Could you do something for me? Can you look at yourself in the mirror three times a day minimum for a week and say out loud “I like myself?” Could you also write down everything that is bad about you and why people don’t like you so you can justify your feelings? The reason for the first part is easy, “fake it until you make it.” The second part is more complicated. Within the confines of our minds, we take one little thing and make it huge. We bask in our self-induced shame. Then we unconsciously project this shame we know we have and push people away.

You are a high school student. I am a 48 year old woman whose daughter is a Senior in high school. I feel about myself exactly the way you do. In November 2017 I made some errors that are going to cost a business their license and I wanted to die. This was the the first time I felt like that, just the most recent and the most justifiable.

One day I reached out to a someone, perhaps my husband. I then tried to explain out loud why I was worthless and unlikeable. Honestly, all those awful beliefs and all that shame in my head just couldn’t equal the words I said out loud. The words out loud to someone else became my saving grace. I absolutely could not find the words to express how bad a person I was and why I should no longer exist. On that day I finally reduced the power my brain had to shame and belittle me. Life didn’t get perfect but I have more days of calm now than I do of self-hatred.

Hopefully you are not as bummed out as you were and you have already found some other solutions. First and foremost people don’t like people that don’t like themselves. People that are happy attract other people. No one, especially in Japan, is going to come into your room, tell you how important you are to them, and suddenly make you part of their family. If you have tried anything I have suggested, you may be ready for some suggestions. Go talk to your host family. Ask them questions. Ask them what is important. Realize most of us Americans are taken as rude by other countries. Ask them what is something you could do better. Ask them what they think is important you learn. Doing this with a host family is easier than a complete stranger. You will learn something.

Pay compliments. Sincere ones. Find something genuinely interesting or attractive about them and tell them (not sexual, things like a nice pair of earrings or “cool” sunglasses.) These little tricks and open doors in America, but find out from your host family what would be appropriate in their community to try to make friends. Making eye contact could be very normal or very rude. Download Pokemon go or Ingress. Both require choosing a team, and help needed from others in person, to accomplish a goal. My husband goes on Pokemon raids with others while I am discussing with a noob how to play Ingress and advance.

I am really hoping the best for you. Relax. Breathe. These years are gone so fast, but the flashes of memory do come back. The joy and great days flash in my mind at certain smells or sound. Simple, pleasurable things, such as walking across a bridge when a large bird beat the wind with its wings. Find something every day to be grateful for. These are your future memory flashbacks. Always watch the sunset. Each one is different. Listen carefully. How do the nights sound compared to where home is. Consciously look for something new to learn. A new tree name, a new word, a cultural difference. This is it. Treat each day like you will never be able to afford to come back. I have personally only repeated a destination a couple of times. Treat each day like something you want to tell your grandchildren about some day.

[kalons]

@Pegisus that was a beautiful, beautiful response.