<p>I need some advice, thoughts from both parents and students.
My DD has a summer job in her field of study that has long/late hours. She starts at 1pm and often does not finish until 10/11pm. She likes to go out for dinner after work, and decompress with friends and business associates. I understand the whys--but---I do not feel comfortable when she comes home 1-2AM in the morning. Obviously if she worked a regular 9-5p job-coming home at 3-4 hours later ie:8-9p is not an issue-but these late hours make me-her mom uncomfortable.
I am cognizant to the idea of "my home-my rules"-and I do not feel a "need" to be her friend over being her Mom...I am trying to consider her needs, and my needs.
DD has always called at about 1130pm to say she will be out with her friends. She assures me she has someone walking her to her car. she assures me she is not drinking/driving-our house rule-drink-you do not drive-call and we will pick her up-no questions asked.
DD seems to have a level head on her shoulder, bright (Dean's List) and has not given me a reason to bluntly put my foot down. She is aware that this bothers me, and that the topic is still open for discussion as to how best address her needs and our needs.
So...your thoughts on how you deal with this issue????</p>
<p>Can you compromise and ask her to be in by 11-12 4-5 nights a week and you will tolerate her late hours the other 2-3 nights each week? It is hard after we have adjusted our lives to an empty nest to have to readjust when they come back for summers.</p>
<p>How old is your DD?</p>
<p>I think those hours are very reasonable for your daughter, especially with her schedule -- and I think she is being very considerate of you with her 11:30 pm call. So I think this is just one of those situations where you have to adjust to her needs -- it is a matter of your comfort level adjusting to her lifestyle. These are very typical hours for college age students.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that when she gets off of work she is probably hungry. If she came straight home, she'd need to fix food in your kitchen -- and there would be a lot of rattling around of dishes & pots and pans at midnight (and, if she is like my kids, that could mean that you wake up to a sink full of dirty dishes.... if not, you would be listening to the dishwasher running at 1 am). So even though it is disconcerting for you, it might really be the least disruptive option.</p>
<p>I am not entirely sure what your concern is. Is it the schedule as such? Or is it that your D does not come back until 2-3 am and you are concerned about her safety? </p>
<p>If the latter, I suspect that it does not truly matter if she is back at 10 or at 2 am. People have been mugged at 9am and at 6pm. She needs to be very aware of her surroundings, avoid going through dark places. If she has someone walking her to her car and she drives home, she should be fine.
As for her odd schedule, it's not unusual for college students! As long as you trust her to be careful, not to drink and drive, I think you should relax.</p>
<p>When you present your own position, there is nothing in it that suggests that you have any rational reason to make an issue of this. If I were you, I would be enormously thankful to have a successful, responsible nearly-adult daughter whom you trust and with whom you seem to have a good relationship. Against that background, why would you want to make an issue of something where, frankly, you know you are wrong?</p>
<p>This has very little to do with "your house, your rules". Of course you can impose any silly rule you want -- that's your privilege. But if you do that, you have to be prepared for the lack of respect you will deserve when you impose a rule for no good reason. I cannot see any way that imposing a rule here is going to make your life or your daughter's better.</p>
<p>If it is truly a safety issue (dangerous neighborhood, remote area, etc.), you may have to put your foot down. Otherwise, you should not interfere.</p>
<p>My D (age 19) works 9am-4pm and then takes a class from 6-8pm. She often eats dinner afterwards with friends and then goes to a movie or bowling. She is usually home by 1am, and on occasion has returned as late as 2pm. I would prefer that she come home earlier, but in the summer there are enough people on the subways and on the streets that I don't think it's dangerous, so I don't see any reason to exercise the parental over-ride. </p>
<p>We did, however, have a fank discussion about returning home and having to ask permission in circumstances where, during the school year, she routinely relies on her own judgment. (This discussion followed her calling home to tell me that she was sleeping over at the home of a male friend/classmate of recent acquaintance. She didn't know him well enough for me to be certain that she would be safe or well enough for me to trust her judgment about his threat level.)</p>
<p>We don't have any curfew for 19-year-old S home for the summer and working. If I'm home when he leaves the house, I ask if he's going to be in late or not, but there's no required time. I do want him to call to let us know if the plan changes and he ends up spending the night elsewhere, though. </p>
<p>Apol, unless your D is waking the whole house when she comes in, I think you should let her set her own schedule for her after-work hours. She no longer needs the kind of parental oversight that a curfew implies, imo. And if you're still observing the wait-up-til-they're-home routine, it's time to let that go.</p>
<p>We never set curfews for our kids, even in high school, so definitely didn't have them when they were home from college. As others have said, it's the kind of thing where the parent needs to make the adjustment. She's working, she's calling you each night to let you know her plans, count your blessings. :)</p>
<p>She may not drink and drive but others do. I don't like to be out past midnight, 1 am at the latest. Weird stuff happens...</p>
<p>Our issue was that the parents really had trouble sleeping until the kids were home. Our compromise was that there was no curfew on Friday and Saturday, but on worknights, everyone had to be home by 1 a.m. It worked for our kids. One of them also worked until 11 at night, but after work he was usually tired himself and wanted to come home.</p>
<p>What's her driving route like? There are lots of drunks on the road at 1-2am.</p>
<p>I'm a night owl -- I am often out on the roads late at night, and my kids are as well. This "lots of drunks on the road" thing seems to be a myth created by people who are fearful of driving at night -- I've heard that a lot from my mother-in-law but I've never actually run into it as a problem. I've encountered drunk drivers, but no noticeable difference between 9 pm and 2 am. My scariest bad-driving encounters have always taken place during broad daylight. </p>
<p>What I do know is that late at night there is a lot LESS traffic -- its a lot EASIER on main highways and boulevards to avoid all sorts of road hazards, and I always was much more worried about my daughter's morning commute drive to school -- freeway, rush hour -- than her driving in the wee hours of the morning. If someone is driving erratically, I think it is a lot easier to spot that and steer clear of it when there are only a few cars on the road than in heavy traffic, where you end up driving bunched up close to other cars. </p>
<p>Late night, it IS dark -- so it certainly is scarier in areas that are not well lit -- and it is potentially a lot harder to get help for a stranded vehicle. Which is why I love cell phones so much.</p>
<p>I agree with calmom about the driving home part. I've found driving the freeways out here in California to be a lot safer at 2 AM than at 8 PM. Back at home in the Pennsylvania countryside I also felt a little bit safer late at night than during busy times on the road, but I also felt the cops were way more aggressive late at night. On more than one occasion I had had cops tail my car for miles following very closely with their headlights right in my rear view mirror. I wasn't drunk, but it certainly made it much harder for me to drive since my eyes were having such a hard time adjusting with those high beams on!</p>
<p>There is definitely a higher percentage of drunks on the roads at that time than at other times - just ask any cop. Whether it's significant or not will depend on the route taken but it's something to consider. There are also more people out looking for mischief at that time of night.</p>
<p>I had one cop pull me over at that time of night (surface road) and tell me that at that time the breakdown is roughly 1/3 people working strange hours (as I was), 1/3 people who have been out drinking, and 1/3 cops. Fortunately I didn't get a ticket after he realized I wasn't out drinking.</p>
<p>I agree that in some parts there are more shift workers and others out than drunks but again, it depends on the area and the route.</p>
<p>I think it's an individual family thing. If a parent truly has trouble sleeping until the kids are safely home then a compromise has to be made so that they get to go out a couple of nights a week and mom gets to sleep well the other nights.</p>
<p>Personally, my husband's snoring is way worse than any kid coming home. For that they make wonderful earplugs. So no. My adult children never had a curfew when at home. They were responsible, considerate and trustworthy. I honestly don't care what time they get home.</p>
<p>They have been to college and there is no going back. After 4 going away I have learned to let go. I can go to sleep now when they are out. We check the safety issues, the call at 11:30 is good. But they really are in control now. </p>
<p>However, if you really cannot let yourself go to sleep if there is someone still out, you could use that peace of mind issue to get come kind of compromise. Especially if you have to go to work in the AM. It becomes a courtesy thing instead of a control thing. Now that we are retired we don't have that.</p>
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There is definitely a higher percentage of drunks on the roads at that time than at other times - just ask any cop.
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<p>Well, naturally there's going to be a higher percentage on the roads then, but I've found avoiding crazy drivers at night to be a lot easier than during the day when roads are jam-packed. If you hang back a quarter of a mile from a drunk person at 5 PM, you're going to have people tailgating you. If you do it at 2 AM, you won't have any problems. The only time I like driving during the day more nowadays is when I'm in unfamiliar territory and don't know where I'm going.</p>
<p>My son would sometimes come in about 1 a.m. over Christmas break. I knew where he was and who he was with; my problem with it was worrying until he was home safe--my problem, not his.:/</p>
<p>I asked him to turn out the hall light when he came in. That way, I could wake up in the night and know immediately if he was home or not. I know it's not the most satisfying of answers, but it seems that you're dealing with worry, not lack of trust of your daughter or her actions. </p>
<p>I didn't realize until last Christmas vacation how much I felt that my son was safer while at his small LAC--no driving, small town, etc. Then he came home and was driving, out late, and so on. It's not like he's into wild partying at either place; it's just a parent's fears, I guess.</p>
<p>My 17 year old has a midnight curfew, my 14 year old 10:00. My soon to be 20 year old home for the summer I ask to come in by 1:00 AM Sunday night through Thursday night and on Friday's and Saturday's he does not have a curfew. I find that it helps me sleep alittle better on my "work nights" because I too do tend to sleep lightly until I know they are all home safely. 20 year old does restaurant work but generally they get the kitchen closed down by midnight at the latest, 10 at the earliest. Friday's and Saturdays I have learned to just let go and if I don't at least I can sleep in the next morning. Although it seems to me that 2:00ish is about the latest I hear him pull into the driveway.</p>