<p>My Daughter is home from College for the summer. She is very disrespectful to her Dad and me. She will not abide by our simple rules of the house, and she knows it pushes my buttons. She talks to us like DOGS, and we cannot get her to treat us nicely.</p>
<p>What do we do? I know she is an adult, but we always respected our parents and never talked to them like she does us.</p>
<p>She is a very strong-willed person and always has been. But since she has lived away and come back, the disrespect towards us is unbearable.</p>
<p>Please help. Thank you. </p>
<p>P. S. We pay everything for her...car, insurance, tuition, etc., and yet she is very rude to us!!</p>
<p>If the goal is having a better relationship, Iâd recommend inviting her to sit down with you to listen. I would suggest speaking from your heart and focusing only on how you feel (when she does x,y or z be specific) and what you need (?respect, consideration, better communication). If you can get her to agree to listen, I think you could have a first step towards improving the relationship.</p>
<p>I certainly have some experience here and asked for the same type of advice many months ago.</p>
<h1>1. Find a therapist for yourself (You have created this situation by allowing her to control you through her words and actions)</h1>
<h1>2. Cut her off financially on non-essentials. (If she is home for the summer and does not have a job, she does not need her carâŠtake the keysâŠcut off her âfunâ funds, but continue with tuition, etc) Her behavior will get so much worse when she realizes that she is lossing control, but control is what this about. Disrespectful behavior is not normal.</h1>
<h1>3. She should go to therapy too, but, and this is a huge but, when kids get like this, sometimes they will never see the light. Therapy will be labeled as âdumbâ the therapist will be an a$$ (becauseâŠgaspâŠhe or she will want to set limits and end the reign of terror)</h1>
<h1>4. This situation is difficult, horrible, name the word. I was very reluctent to grow a backbone with the child (now 22) in my life. He has not changed (actually got much worse when I started to changeâŠbut has leveled off), probably never will, but I have. When he lays into me (we both work in a family businessâŠsigh) I simply walk away. He will literally throw a fit. Makes him look crazy, but I will not be his punching bag. I have now dealt with a few family situations where if he acted half way human he would have been a part of, but I refuse to have him in the house if canât promise his father or siblings that he will behave. (this means missing milestone birthdays and showers, etc) And I never thought I would say this, but I can live with these choices. Is it painful that he canât be there for our family?..yes. Is there peace?..yes. Everything has its price. My price for peace and respect is a small piece of my heart is torn, but I also have younger children and it is my duty to them to show them that respect and caring is not an optionial.</h1>
<h1>5. If you go to therapy and you get the right the therapist, be prepared for some serious reality checks. My therapist wanted to know what about the situation I thought was ok to let it get this far. My sonâs behavior even made him angry. In a way empowering, in a way, hurtful. If you canât be honest about just how horrible the behavior is (and I believe the way you describe your situation, the behavior is bad or you would not be here) make the change. It will change your life.</h1>
<p>Iâd try what milkweed suggests first. If that doesnât work, then treat her like the adult she wants to be and stop paying her bills, except maybe the tuition unless it doesnât get better.</p>
<p>I agree with collegeshoppingâs post 100%. I was writing a similiar post and deleted it when I read her advice.</p>
<p>This is the parents problem to solve in counseling. Please go. It will set you free. No need to include your daughter. She needs to find out the world no longer revolves around her.</p>
<p>Is it her first summer home? Maybe itâs an over reaction to trying to maintain her newly found independence. Parents tend to try to revert back to old behaviors (weâre the adults and weâre going to tell you what to do and when to do it) instead of trying to forge a new style of interacting. I go with milkweed.
Read the withdrawal thread.</p>
<p>Respectfully disagree that this is in any way something the parents should look at in terms of ânormalâ re-entry issues after being away at school. Disrespect and rudeness on an ongoing basis are not acceptable.</p>
<p>Agree completely with collegeshopping, who seems to know exactly whereof she speaks. Take her advice. (But meanwhile I would also cut off all funding except tuition, room and board for next fall. My message to daughter would be, ânot only is it absolutely unacceptable for you to treat us this way, but itâs going to cost you financially. I donât contribute to the finances of anyone, and that includes you, wou treats me this way.â</p>
<p>Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping, great post. I admire the tough choices youâve made.</p>
<p>* My message to daughter would be, ânot only is it absolutely unacceptable for you to treat us this way, but itâs going to cost you financially. I donât contribute to the finances of anyone, and that includes you, wou treats me this way.â</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Yes, yes, yes!</p>
<p>No car, no cell phone, no pocket moneyâŠjust tuition until she âgets itâ. </p>
<p>I would deliver this message in a neutral zoneâŠlike a restaurant where she wonât blow up. I would simply start by saying that her behavior has been unacceptableâŠand include a few examples. I would say that you understand that she is now an adult and thatâs fine. But, adults are responsible for their own expensesâŠso thatâs the deal. </p>
<p>If youâve been giving her pocket money (or paying for her credit card or debit card)âŠthen that has got to stop.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with milkweedâs approach, but with one more refinement.</p>
<p>Using the word âdisrespectfulâ when you speak to her about the problems that have been occurring may be counterproductive because some young people react badly to this word. It has heavy connotations of âIâm the adult and youâre still a child,â which doesnât feel right to many 20-year-olds. </p>
<p>What if she were not your daughter but your sister or cousin who was staying with you for the summer? You would still find her rudeness and unwillingness to conform to house rules unacceptable, but you wouldnât use the word âdisrespectâ to describe the problem. You would describe it in different words. Maybe it would be a good idea to use those other words when you talk to her about the things that are going badly and the changes you need her to make in her behavior.</p>
<p>I agree with Marian that the word âdisrespectfulâ may push her buttons. Perhaps talking about âmutual common courtesy,â while also emphasizing momofsongbirdâs comment, âI donât contribute to the finances of anyone, and that includes you, who treats me this way.â</p>
<p>This kid needs a wake up call, perhaps an intervention. I would attempt an open and honest dialogue first, to review the house rules. </p>
<p>If tht doesnât work, I would kindly ask him/her to leave with escort out of my home like I would ANY belligerent adult who came into my house and acted that way. </p>
<p>My kids would not be welcomed into my home if they treated my wife with any disrespect. If you want to be an adult, then out of my house you go, get a job, live on your own, and make your own rules if you you canât follow ours. Its been that way from day 1, and they know they always have the option to leave. </p>
<p>None of this âcontinue to pay for tuition?â NO way. sheâs on her own until she figures it out. You have to be ready and open to therapy; or hit rock bottom, or it doesnât work.</p>
<p>Minnie â you took the words right out of my mouth, but my daughterâs 18. Same behavior (not all the time). So rude it takes my breath away. Mean and hurtful (especially to me). </p>
<p>Collegeshopping â you are 100% correct. Boundaries, expectations, and ramifications. I am kicking myself for not doing this sooner, but maybe youâre like me â you wanted to make their life nice and not stress them out by asking them to do chores or housework because the whole college process was so stressful. And why make them empty the dishwasher or take out the garbage when they had SATs to study for?</p>
<p>I realize now I created this monster (and sheâs not a monster all the time, and very rarely in public) but I didnât do her or me any favors by letting some of her behavior go unchecked.</p>
<p>Recently she was very rude to me so I told her: you finance your own fantasies (wanting to get her hair âdoneâ in the city for graduation after the bill for the dress, dinner, shoes is already close to $1000). Itâs as if as soon as I say âyesâ, thinking sheâll be sweet and grateful, she finds something else to whine about and if I donât give in, she flips out (or runs to Daddy, who takes her side).</p>
<p>Sorry to go on, but I second everything collegeshopping said, especially the therapy piece. A friend of mine told me that another friend of hers went, early on, because their strong-willing daughter was controlling and warping the family dynamic. They will if you let them.</p>
<p>My suggestions would be to give specific examples when you are discussing the situation with your daughter. I know with my kids it helps to say when you do this etcâŠ</p>
<p>If I were in this situation, I would avoid playing the money card unless things got desperate.</p>
<p>The concept of âeven though you are of legal age, you are not a fully adult member of this household because you are financially dependentâ is one that is uncomfortable for me.</p>
<p>We parents may want to pull this string on our over-18 but financially dependent college student offspring because it enables us to continue to exert an authority similar to the parental authority we were entitled to when they were not yet 18.</p>
<p>But this bothers me because it can so easily be generalized to other groups of adults who are not financially independent, including homemakers, people beyond the usual college age who have gone back to school, disabled people, and retired people. And treating these family members as less than fully adult is asking for trouble.</p>
<p>*But this bothers me because it can so easily be generalized to other groups of adults who are not financially independent, including homemakers, people beyond the usual college age who have gone back to school, disabled people, and retired people. And treating these family members as less than fully adult is asking for trouble. *</p>
<p>While I can understand your concern about those other groups of people, it really doesnât apply here. An able-bodied 20 year old who depends on her parents for all financial help, but contributes nothing to the family unit AND IS RUDE, is not the same as a homemaker, disabled person, etc. </p>
<p>Financial help beyond age 18 is a gift and a choice. The kids described here are acting like they are entitled to their parentsâ money and are rude about it.</p>
<p>I think the OP should have two objectives: (1) bringing the disrespectful behavior to a halt, and (2) establishing a healthy adult-to-adult relationship with the daughter. âPlaying the money cardâ might (or might not) accomplish 1, but it would, if anything, damage 2, perhaps irreparably.</p>
<p>I donât have the magic answer, but where Iâd start is with what milkweed suggested in post 2.</p>
<p>I think Iâd also want to look at the âsimple rules of the houseâ and reassess whether those rules are necessary and appropriate for an adult member of the house. Picking up after herself and helping with the laundry are reasonable and appropriate; being home at 10 p.m. probably is not.</p>
<p>My main concern was that I donât want the daughter in this case to learn that whether or not family members need to treat one another decently depends on who has the money.</p>
<p>Some years down the line, she or her future spouse might be a homemaker, or unable to work because of an injury from an accident, or unemployed, or back in school to get a graduate degree. I donât want her thinking that in such situations â which I donât see as all that different from her current situation â the person who earns the money is in total control and the non-earning spouse must take whatever that person dishes out in terms of discourtesy, threats, etc. </p>
<p>I would rather see the OPâs family establish a precedent that all adult family members are expected to treat each other with courtesy and consideration â regardless of who pays for what.</p>