<p>While I have surfed this site for 2 years (when my daughter was a junior), I have never posted a question or made a statement. I need some advice as to how parents are handling curfews w/ their sons or daughter returning home after their first year of college. My daughter feels that she should not have any restrictions and should be able to stay out all nite if she chooses. I don't mind if she spends the nite over friends' homes but do not feel its appropriate to stay out all night. I believe 3 a.m. is appropriate time for a young lady to be home. We are constantly fighting over this issue. She says that I am suffocating her. I need advice. Please help.</p>
<p>When the student stays at home I think they should show respect for the parents and family by returning home at a reasonable hour so the parents won’t worry unduly and so that those parents who don’t sleep well when their kid is out at night will be able to sleep soundly at a reasonable hour. The argument that ‘but when I’m away at college you don’t even know what I’m doing all night and I don’t have to report in’ doesn’t cut it since it’s not the same situation. I think some kids ‘get’ this and some don’t but then some kids think only from their own perspective. They also need to understand that it’s not a matter of ‘trusting them’ or not - it really is respect for some house decorum. </p>
<p>I think 3am is actually quite late for an appropriate time and not a good time for a young female to be out driving around in many areas, especially if she should get a flat or something. If she wants to be with her friends longer tell her she can start earlier.</p>
<p>I have older siblings who come home from college, and they come and go whenever they want and don’t have curfews. But they’re guys so it may be a little different…since they don’t have to worry about things like getting pregnant.</p>
<p>I guess you could say she should be following your rules since she’s living under your roof, but she is an adult. I mean, how old is she? If she’s like a 21 year old home from college I think it’s unreasonable to give her a curfew, you should give her the independence and freedom to take care of herself, in my opinion.</p>
<p>But I know it doesn’t matter what happens because parents always worry no matter what :)</p>
<p>A summer job that requires to be at work for the 8 am shift will cure anyone’s desire to come home at 3 am. I’m not kidding.</p>
<p>Dear ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad</p>
<p>I agree that 3a.m. is too late for a young lady to be out but I compromised just to try to keep the arguments down. Then it went from 3 am. to not wanting to come home at all.</p>
<p>I imposed curfews until age 21. After age 21, I told them that I wouldn’t impose a curfew but I would not be able to sleep until they were home safely (a parent thing). I asked generally where they were going and with who, as a matter of common courtesy. I give them the same information when I’m going out, for emergencies since their other parent is ill. Then…I did stay up until they get home, since I had told them I couldn’t sleep until they were safely home. It took one night of “Hi honey…I’m glad you had a good time…now I can go to sleep so I can get up at 5:00 a.m. to get ready to go to work…” before each of my kids decided they wouldn’t stay out past midnight anymore.
This isn’t manipulation, since I really would have a problem sleeping until they were home safely. </p>
<p>The bottom line is that our homes are not hotels, where people can come & go freely. Adults living together have an obligation to treat each other with a certain amount of mutual respect. I don’t ask my kids to do anything that I wouldn’t do. If I were going to drive my kids’ cars, for example, my kids have the right to know where I’m driving and when I’ll return the cars. </p>
<p>You’re expressing a reasonable concern. Actually, 3:00 a.m. seems too late to me but perhaps in your area that’s when the clubs close? </p>
<p>I like the recommendation to have Princess get a summer job. Not only will that cure the late night partying, but it’s character-and resume-building.</p>
<p>I would suggest the “bed and breakfast” form of house rules. All guests must return to the B&B by (midnight, 1 am) as we will lock the doors at that time to allow all guests peace and quiet. </p>
<p>As opposed to the “hotel rules” which are a 24/7 open door with bellman. </p>
<p>You could always downgrade to “hostel rules” which require all residents to be in the hostel by 10 pm and out of bed and on to a productive day by 8 am (perhaps 9 am) and not return until 5 pm. </p>
<p>This is because you are not insisting on “house guest rules” which require the guest to bring a hostess gift, hang with the hosts, take them to dinner on the last night, and leave after 4 days. </p>
<p>Then there is always 'homeless shelter rules" … although I have not investigated the exact parameters of those … you might ask your child to check those out for you!</p>
<p>I see no reason why a parent should be required to offer “college dorm rules”.</p>
<p>We dropped the curfew when each graduated from high school (both boys). Our younger son is ready for bed by midnight, but the older son is a night-owl and always has been. When he had a midnight curfew (and it was never later), he still stayed up until 4:30 am or 5:00 am anyway by himself at home. This summer (before he left to go overseas), he had a job that required him to walk out the door at 5:30 am. He came home late afternoon, would sleep his 8 hours, and then stay out as late as he could find people to stay out with; or come home and be up until he needed to get ready for work. Having him home does disrupt my sleep, but more so when he doesn’t go out than when he is out of the house. He just sends out a lot of restless energy vibes when home, even if quiet. </p>
<p>My rules are that no friends can be over after 11:00 pm because I go to bed. If I am asleep, I cannot insure there is no underage drinking going on plus the noise bothers me. The second rule is that they must answer their cell phone if I call. Although they usually tell me where they plan to start the evening as they leave, I don’t get a blow by blow on the plans for the entire night, as those plans tend to be fluid.</p>
<p>This works for these two kids, but I could see having an entirely different system for a different kid. They have never gotten in a car accident, never been arrested, never missed work as a result of staying out late, are boys who live in a safe area, etc. As an aside, H is also a night owl. When he and the boys drive to Florida (which they used to do once a year), they drive all night, getting in about 7:00 am and then sleep on the beach. The youngest always takes the early shift driving, but H and S1 love those hours between 2:00 am and 6:00 am.</p>
<p>I agree with the b&b rules. It has little to do with concerns over safety but my own peace of mind. If I had guests staying over, they would not think it’s okay to be out until 2 or 3am out of consideration for me.</p>
<p>If college students want to treat their parents’ home like a hotel with 24-hour service and doorman, let them go to a hotel (on their own dime). Even arguing over late hours shows a lack of consideration for parents/home owners.</p>
<p>
I don’t find this to be a completely persuasive argument. If you had an actual adult roommate, you wouldn’t presume to impose a curfew, and it wouldn’t necessarily be any of your business if she stayed out all night. The obligation in a real situation like that would be to come in quietly. It seems to me that it might be better to avoid analogies, and simply be direct: you are an adult, but you’re still living with your parents in their home, and that gives them the right to ask certain things of you that you would prefer not to do. One of them is to respect reasonable house rules, which is that you don’t stay out past a certain hour without advance notice (and there’s no such thing as blanket advance notice).</p>
<p>Hunt – perhaps amend to “adults living together in a committed relationship.” A slightly different spin on the parent-child relationship – but parents with adult college student children is certainly *<em>committed</em>. And adults in a committed relationship tell each other where they are going and when they will be home!</p>
<p>I love the B&B analogy! All of this seems so reasonable and courteous to me. </p>
<p>I just asked my kid who just graduated undergrad (going to grad school next year) what he thought. He said that 3:00 a.m. is excessive. Bars close here at 2:00 a.m., and nothing else is open that late. If she’s staying out til 3:00, he guesses she has a fake id and is also doing illegal drinking and is lying about it. There just aren’t places for 19-20 year olds to go that are open til 3:00 a.m. unless she’s hanging out at friends’ houses every night…which is unlikely, but you can always offer to have them hang out at your house if that’s what’s going on. I also asked my college Jr. He agreed that there isn’t anything worthwhile that you can do at 3:00 a.m. (“Let’s face it, as a 20-yr old girl she isn’t going Midnight Bowling ha ha.”) There may be different options where you live, but what she’s actually doing all night is something to consider if she’s under 21.</p>
<p>As a college student, I think your daughter is being unreasonable. If you were saying she had to be home by 9 pm, that would be one thing, but you seem perfectly willing to let her stay out pretty late. What does she need to do so badly after 3 am – especially often enough for it to be an issue? </p>
<p>OTOH, if you’ve been telling her what you’ve told us here (it’s not “appropriate” for a young lady to be out so late), I’d suggest maybe re-phrasing that, because it even rubs me the wrong way a little, and it probably does the same for your daughter. Honestly, whether or not this is a valid feeling, people my age don’t really want their parents to dictate what’s “appropriate.” That may be at least part of where she’s getting the phrase “Suffocated.” </p>
<p>To me, expressing concerns about safety (esp. if there is driving involved) and your own piece of mind seems like it would be a more effective. </p>
<p>Also, just FYI (since you asked about other people’s rules), I don’t have a curfew. But I do know that A) I need to generally let my parents know where I’m going and B) if I’m doing anything that will involve me coming home after about 12:30 or 1, I definitely need to have a discussion with my parents first because of safety issues. I think that these rules, plus when they ask me to call before I leave someplace late at night, etc., would bother me if I thought there were just doing it to check up on me or control me. But I know they just me, but just want to make sure I’m safe. </p>
<p>I imagine that part of the reason I DON’T have a curfew is that I personally don’t feel comfortable driving later than about 1, so I’m rarely ever going to have a situation where I’m out that late.</p>
<p>The optimal solution is usually real employment by the student, which generally begins at 8 or 9 a.m., thus curtailing staying out all night…hence, Friday and Saturday evenings are reserved for the “late nights”. Curfews are generally not needed during the week if one is working full time at a real job…as far as the weekends - most responsible college students know not to drink and drive, should inform their parents via text or phone call if they are staying over a friend’s house, and should not require a curfew if they are otherwise being responsible. Have a candor discussion about this with your college student/ young adult to see if they can comply with a few general courteous house rules, and usually you will see things work themselves out positively…IF they are indeed responsible young adults…if not, that is another post. Again, a full time job is the answer to many issues, and the path for adult responsibility and success.</p>
<p>“She says that I am suffocating her.”</p>
<p>She feels how she feels, you need to respect her thoughts/feelings and listen. Do you trust her? Imposing rules on adult family members is risky. Many college students can stay up all night just talking and enjoying each others company, paying little attention to time. When going through this in my house i, personally, concluded i was being too controlling and unreasonable. I still worry but they are ultimately responsible for their lives and are, indeed, respectful and responsible. Of course it helps that they have jobs.</p>
<p>^^You need to respect her thoughts/feelings? How about she respects the parents’ thoughts/feelings? The D can always move out if she feels suffocated. Also get a job.</p>
<p>marite, i agree. it works both ways, that’s the beauty. and there is always the option of moving out.</p>
<p>I have lucked out here because neither of mine drink and don’t stay out late.</p>
<p>My older has graduated college and couldn’t find a job that pays her enough live away, although she is working. She understands I can’t sleep when she’s out, but she is an adult. Past 2:30 I start calling her on her cell every half hour so I don’t worry. I don’t say she has to be in, but that is a deterrent. It’s embarrassing, although all her friends are from HS, understand, and know me well.</p>
<p>I would do the same if it was my H. How are you honey? Everything OK?</p>
<p>During the week I have asked for 1 because I have to be at work. She is very thoughtful and has never stayed out past 12 on a weeknight. (She doesn’t work in the morning every day.)</p>
<p>My S, who is 20, has this rule: on a weekend call to renegotiate if he wants to be out past 1. He has to let me know whose house he’s at and an approximate time he’s coming home. He has same 1 o’clock rule on weekdays.</p>
<p>If they are out past 1 I GO TO SLEEP. It was hard to train myself to do this, but I do. And if I can’t, and am up, again I start making calls.</p>
<p>We are all friends here, so we are trying to enhance each other’s lives in a respectful way.</p>
<p>I can’t help that I’m the nervous type, and my kids have always lovingly indulged me.</p>
<p>As for gender, I can’t see how it makes the least bit of difference. Car accidents are my number one concern, not gendered, or if anything more likely with boys.</p>
<p>If people are worried about what happens to young women, bad things happen to young men, too. Sexual assault is more common with women for sure (though over half is the “date rape” variety) but homicide is much more common for men.</p>
<p>I don’t worry about those things – just making a point.</p>
<p>And pregnancy? That’s not something that would cross my mind. My daughter knows to use birth control as does my son.</p>
<p>I think gender and “young lady” ideas should be taken out of the equation.</p>
<p>Bonanza, if she and her friends are drinking, would you rather she stay somewhere or get in a car and drive home? Or get in a car with someone else who may have been partying?</p>
<p>What does everyone think of this situation for “boomerangers”, that is, offspring who return to live in their parents homes after college? Is there ever a time when parents are able to view their children as adults capable of making their own decisions? Does this depend on age of the son/daughter? Maturity of the son/daughter? Age and maturity of the parents?</p>