About to get cut off, need advice on how to continue school

Parents Forum
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<p>(I hope this post makes sense. I tend to ramble a bit.)</p>

<p>To be completely fair, before I start this, I have not exactly had a stellar academic career. I am at the end of my junior year in college, and I will have failed a 9th class this semester. (I have replaced most of my failed grades at this point.) My parents are tired of it, and I am sure that after semesters of threatening to do it, they will be cutting me off this time. </p>

<p>I don't really know how to break it to them that I've done poorly again. I know what's coming. I am not afraid of the punishment itself, I am afraid that they will be too angry to help me make a plan to continue school. I need to know what I can do to stay in school, but also earn money for rent, food, and gas. </p>

<p>The problem is also that for years, they have been telling me that I am a failure, and constantly compare me to my younger sister. Honestly, I am tired of hearing them because I know I am not a failure. I struggle with ADHD. I have medication for it, but I'm taking the same meds that I've been taking since I was in middle school. I've built up an immunity to it, and that particular medication no longer works for me. I have tried to tell my parents this, but they don't believe me. Also, I think I have an anxiety problem which I have never felt comfortable telling my parents about. I wish I could speak to some sort of therapist, but I don't have the money to make an appointment. My parents tend to blow things out of proportion, and therefore, I have never felt comfortable taking my problems to them; and not just bad things, the good things were always a HUGE deal, too. I'm all for discussing things as adults, but things usually just end up with me in tears because I am frustrated and no one is really listening to what I am saying. They just yell and tell me I am selfish, irresponsible and immature. They don't trust me, and honestly, I don't trust them. I wish they would listen. I love them, and I would like to have a better relationship with them because I want them in my life. I just need to know how to show them that a.) I am 20, not 16 and b.) that yes, I have messed up a lot, but instead of yelling, I need advice and encouragement. I'll take care of the punishment myself, as I beat myself up for my failures a lot.</p>

<p>I am very disappointed in myself because the only reason I am in danger of failing is because I got sick for three weeks, but only went to the doctor once, and not again when I came down with the second sickness (which was most likely some sort of flu strain). I decided not to go to a test because of the sickness one morning, but having no recent doctor's note, I was not allowed to take a make-up test. I made a very poor decision. I will be put on academic suspension, however, the school counselor told me that if I make up the F from last semester this summer, I will be in good standing and I won't have to take a semester off.</p>

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<p>Your parents’ errors:

  1. “[F]or years, they have been telling me that I am a failure, and constantly compare me to my younger sister.”
  2. “My parents tend to blow things out of proportion”</p>

<p>Your errors:

  1. Continuing to take meds you know are useless: “I have medication for [ADHD], but I’m taking the same meds that I’ve been taking since I was in middle school. I’ve built up an immunity to it, and that particular medication no longer works for me.”
  2. Not talking with the right people, i.e. the doctors available at your school’s medical center: “I have tried to tell my parents this, but they don’t believe me. Also, I think I have an anxiety problem which I have never felt comfortable telling my parents about.”
  3. Not taking advantage of the free counseling service at your college: “I wish I could speak to some sort of therapist, but I don’t have the money to make an appointment.”
  4. Making poor decisions 3 years in a row: “[T]he only reason I am in danger of failing is because I got sick for three weeks, but only went to the doctor once, and not again when I came down with the second sickness (which was most likely some sort of flu strain). I decided not to go to a test because of the sickness one morning, but having no recent doctor’s note, I was not allowed to take a make-up test”</p>

<p>Your choices:

  1. You state that your school counselor told you that if you make up the F from last semester, you will be in good standing and won’t have to take a semester off. Make it so.
  2. Take a semester off and try to find a part-time job.
  3. (having just read the post below, with which I agree) Take off a year or more to figure things out and establish your independence.</p>
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<p>I think taking some time off from school might be an excellent choice. You need to do things differently, and by maintaining the same situation in which you’ve been doing poorly, you’re very likely to continue repeating the same pattern. Take some time off. Get a job, run your own life for little while. Show your parents you’ve turned things around by taking responsiblity. When the time is right to go back to school, they may be more willing to help you, and if not, at least you’ll know you can take care of yourself.</p>

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<p>@CalAlum, just for clarification, this is the reason I am failing a class this semester. (But, the reasons I have failed other classes are incredibly pathetic and stupid.)</p>

<p>You both bring up excellent points. That sounds like a really great solution, but I know it will disappoint my parents a lot. I could really use some time to figure myself out, and I don’t mind working. I really like the job I have, and wouldn’t mind getting a second. I guess I’m more concerned about what the repercussions of making that decision would be. I was once told by someone who took a semester off that signing up for classes again was the hardest thing he ever did, and that worries me. I guess I do too much worrying. I want my parents’ approval, but if I can’t get it here in the college environment, and I can’t get it there, maybe it’s time to think about my needs and make the decision for me rather than for my parents. Maybe they will come to respect how hard I work, and the fact that I do want to continue school. </p>

<p>Also, I already have an associate of arts from a community college. Does that help my position at all in the work field?</p>

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<p>^Having an AA degree on your resume puts you at an advantage when competing for jobs with high-school graduates. It’s a good thing!</p>

<p>I disagree with the idea that it’s hard to go back to finish college, although that was your friend’s experience. Talk with people at your college about what it would take to return, should you take time off. Do this before leaving. You’re a junior now, so perhaps you’re only 8-10 classes from the B.A. degree. If you return to college, after taking time off to work, with a very clear idea about what you want, it won’t be hard to finish up. It all depends on your attitude. You may end up deciding to finish the B.A. degree at another school. I know some individuals who took off more than one year, and who returned to finish up at another institution, entering like transfer students. They did have to finish a full 2 years (junior and senior year), but no one could really tell the difference between these students and other transfers, fwiw.</p>

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<p>I don’t have any advice for going back to school after flunking 9 courses in three years. As a parent, I would have pulled the plug after one failed course (maybe two, if I felt a real effort had been made, like three As and an F in a course that was simply insurmountable).</p>

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<p>OK…here’s my opinion…your parents have been very understanding and generous. YOU need to figure out where to go next and how to get there. It might be that finishing college now is NOT a good choice for you. I think you need to figure out WHY you have had these successive course failures. I will tell you…failing NINE courses in college is excessive. The deal we had with our kids was that IF that happened, THEY would have to pay to retake those courses. We signed on for the four year plan…with courses taken ONCE at our expense, not twice. </p>

<p>I agree with others…perhaps this is a time to consider taking a term or a year off. Will your school grant you a leave of absence? Many will. It’s worth asking. Given your academic situation, they may understand the reason you are making this request and grant it.</p>

<p>Your associates degree might help you…it’s better than no degree at all. </p>

<p>And in addition to finding a job, please find someone to talk to regarding your college issues…and how to resolve them. Perhaps you have a trusted clergyman, or your insurance will pay for some counseling. Get to the root of your problems so that when you return to school, you will be successful…the first time on each course.</p>

<p>Another thought…you don’t mention your current major. Is it possible that this is not a course of study for which you have an interest?</p>

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<p>The Internet can be a harsh place to request advice. Things said in genuine empathy can be easily misunderstood. That said, this is my “empathetic” take on your situation.</p>

<p>Are your parents blowing things out of proportion? From my perspective, no. In fact, from my perspective they have given you too much leeway. Nine failing grades in three years? On a semester system that is a little more than one class each semester. I would have cut you off long ago. You said you made up all the failing grades, but I’m assuming that means that your parents paid double tuition for each of those classes. </p>

<p>Could your ADHD be contributing? Sure. But you are an adult. And you are the one who should be seeking medical attention for it. </p>

<p>I don’t really think your parents should be making a plan to help you continue school. At this point you are 3/4 of the way done. If you want to continue then you need to be the one to figure out how. I certainly agree with the previous posters who suggested taking time off. There is no law that says you have to finish college at age 22. Lots of people take breaks and then go back when they are more responsible. </p>

<p>One thing to consider is that your parents are not obligated to help you financially. Plenty of parents refuse to pay for college at all. It sounds to me like your parents have been more than generous. The best way for you to show them that your are responsible would be for you to find a way to pay for your final year of school on your own. If you took a break, worked full-time, and saved money to apply toward your tuition, then maybe your parents would agree to help you again. If your parents had started this thread, saying that they are tearing their hair out over how to best help you finish school, that would my advice to them. I would say to use tough love and to make you earn the privilege of their assistance.</p>

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<p>The ADHD must be addressed IMMEDIATELY. </p>

<p>Taking a year off from school will NOT solve the ADHD issue and WILL impact any job performance.</p>

<p>The ADHD MUST be a top priority. </p>

<p>2girls4me is hitting the nail on the head – You ARE an adult – Your parents do not need to be involved in you making a doctor appointment.</p>

<p>I believe this MUST be your 1st step.</p>

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<p>I am an English major. While it’s not my passion, I enjoy it, and it and I know I will have a better chance at getting a job than if I were an Art major (which I considered going back to). However, I also have a passion for meteorology. The only reason I did not pursue this was because I knew that I don’t have the kind of mind it takes to major in something that is very math intensive. I’ve never been good at math.</p>

<p>Yes, my parents have been extremely generous with me. I guess my real struggle in the situation is how to say “College may not be the best thing for me right now.” and have them still support me, even if they don’t agree with my decision to take some time off.</p>

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<p>As noted…you are an adult. It is very possible that your parents will not continue to support you…at least not by giving you an “allowance” or paying your bills. They may, however, agree to allowing you to live at home while you work and get your other issues resolved. I know we would do this for OUR kid especially if we saw that the kiddo was making a good faith effort to deal with whatever the issues were. </p>

<p>You need to sit down and candidly discuss your next term with your parents. Don’t wait!</p>

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<p>Oh, noooo. I meant support my decision, not support me financially. I know that’s not happening. </p>

<p>And I’d like to thank everyone who has weighed in so far. It’s really great to be able to get opinions on the situation.</p>

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<p>LimitedEmpathy – I disagree with Thumper about the living at home. From what you say about your parents, I think it would be a mistake to move back home. 90% of the problem is yours – something that you have to take ownership and responsibility for – but from what you say about your parents, the negative talk from them isn’t a help. You don’t need to be living in an environment where you are constantly berated or told you are a failure.</p>

<p>If you can get a job, you CAN afford to live away from your parents - just not in a private apartment. You will need to rent a room in a house or apartment shared with other young working people. The fact that you already have a part-time job is a good start. If its not work-study or tied to your enrollment at college, you might want to see if you can keep that job and increase hours.</p>

<p>My son dropped out of college at age 20. When I found out what his grades were, I told him that I would not provide financial support for him to return to that particular (expensive, private) college – but would pay his tuition if he enrolled at an in-state public, if he did so within a specified time frame. (Even if he could not transfer he would have been eligible to sign up for extension courses as a part-time student, for credit).</p>

<p>My son got a job. After 2 weeks on the job, he got a promotion. He planned to enroll at a nearby college – part-time – in the fall and quit his job in anticipation of returning to school. On the last day to enroll, he turned around and went back to his employers and asked for his job back – he had realized that his heart was in his job, not school. He stuck with the job, got promoted again, did all sorts of interesting stuff – and continued to work for 3 years. After 3 years he decided it was time to go back to school – a tough decision because he had to turn down a lucrative job offer to do so. At that point my time-limited offer for tuition had expired and he paid his own way, at an in-state public. He did incredibly well at college – close to straight A’s, and earned some really special honors. Within 2 weeks after graduating, he got hired for a great job, great benefits (exactly the sort of thing he would have been aiming for) – and all has been fine since then. </p>

<p>The years on the job really helped my son’s organizational skills improve. When he did return to college, he also maintained a half-time job as well as a heavy course schedule – it wasn’t a problem. Work demands tend to be much more time-intensive than school, so when you have worked full time for a couple of years, school seems pretty easy – I mean, its a lot easier to attend 3 hours of classes on Monday, and 2 hours of classes on Tuesday, etc. – than be on duty 8 hours straight 5 days a week. </p>

<p>You will be BETTER off if you take some time away to essentially get your life and your head together before returning to school. Six months after my son’s former classmates graduated from college, he observed that most of them were unemployed liberal arts majors without a clue as to what they wanted to do – while by that time my son was steadily employed with a couple of years of full time experience under his belt. My daughter is now graduating from college with terrific grades, but having a tough time finding work because every employer wants to see a college degree AND “1-3 YEARS” of work experience. </p>

<p>So don’t be afraid of switching things around in your life and focusing on the work experience for awhile, and then returning to finish school when the time is right. If you do that, you are likely to at least have a strong finish to college, like my son – a good senior year GPA and something to show for your education.</p>

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<p>I spent one year at college and then was hired to do programming work. I had one F in that year but my overall results weren’t very good outside of my major. I worked for several years after that at a variety of companies including starting my own company. I eventually got my BA and MS. Getting your degrees can be a lot easier when you are older as you have the life experience that younger students don’t have. Your ADHD may attenuate with age and time too.</p>

<p>I would talk to your parents just to let them know where you stand. They’re spending a lot of money on you and have been pretty patient with you. You may not like their attitude but it sounds like they’ve had a lot of stress with you too. Many parents here complain that their kids don’t provide feedback and contact on how they are doing - it would simply be a courtesy in giving them the news; even if the news is bad. They can then assess their options - they might support you or they might not.</p>

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<p>I’m dealing with the same situation with my S. He finished his freshman year with two Fs and a D each semester for a GPA of 1.46–he repeated one of the classes he failed and got a D. Now he’s on academic suspension for the fall semester unless he goes to summer session and brings his GPA up to an adequate level, but he has to get the Academic Dean’s permission to register for the summer session. </p>

<p>He’s been told he has to pay for the summer session, in addition to replacing the $1000/year academic scholarship he blew. If he bombs the summer session or doesn’t get permission to attend, he has to move in with his dad. He’s not going to live with us and spend the day in the recliner watching cartoons.</p>

<p>OP, it’s unfair of your parents to constantly compare you to your younger sister and call you a failure, but I certainly can understand their frustration. I agree with the other posters that taking some time off and working full-time would probably be best.</p>

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<p>One question: Who is renewing the Rx for your ADHD meds, the same one you’ve been taking since middle school, without examining you and talking with you?</p>

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<p>OP, your post reminded me of Lenny the Lion monologue on SNL (you can look it up…)</p>

<p>You are 20 years old. Take some time off from school, get a job, take charge of your life, then fins a way to finish your education on your own dime.</p>

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<p>Surely there is a campus health center. Get thee there. </p>

<p>One thing that may be part of your life is a habit of “hoping it will get better” which leads you not to tell your parents right away when something ugly is unfolding. So, you don’t tell them that you are sick or that you missed an exam – or that the prof is being a stickler about the doctor’s note – that all sits and ripens into a huge blow out, in which your parents feel</p>

<p>1) you’ve been in trouble for awhile
2) you haven’t told them therefore
3) you are avoiding responsibility and are misleading/lying to them. </p>

<p>All of this stemming from the forlorn hope that somehow things would get better and you wouldn’t have to deliver bad news to them. </p>

<p>A couple things to try:

  1. a letter or email in which you lay out the semester and where you went wrong
    (that way you aren’t in the room when the first explosion happens)
  2. steps you are taking NOW (like an appointment to the health center to make sure you aren’t “having further health issues” – you can use that term instead of opening the whole ADHD med discussion)
  3. tell them that you can understand completely that they may be “done” supporting you but that you do want to finish your degree. Tell them that you will not argue with their decision if they decide not to pay any more – that if that is their decision, you hope they will support you with their love and advice as you find a job and work to finish your degree. </p>

<p>From my chair, I think a year out and working would do a world of good for you. Many, many people struggle with the academic ways of university life and find they can be decent, successful and respected workers. Some success and some respect would probably taste pretty good about right now. </p>

<p>You are twenty. Time to STOP whining about how your parents don’t understand you. (For pete’s sake, you are an English major. If they don’t understand you either 1) you are not very expressive or 2) they understand what you are saying and feel that you are making excuses.). </p>

<p>They may never understand you. That happens. But actions speak louder than words. Their actions have been to pay and to keep paying even as you have NOT succeeded. Never doubt that they love you. For these past actions, please make sure you give abundant recognition and thanks. </p>

<p>I truly wish you well. I hope you’ll think about the business of avoiding talking about a problem in the hopes that you’ll have a better report later. Avoiding that may be the biggest change you can make for the better.</p>

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<p>Agree with what Olymom is saying—particularly the parts that follow her statement:</p>

<p>“One thing that may be part of your life is a habit of “hoping it will get better” which leads you not to tell your parents right away when something ugly is unfolding.”</p>

<p>One thing that will need to be dealt with if you do decide to step out of college for a while and work, however, is <em>health</em> <em>insurance</em>. When our D told us of her intent to drop out of college at the end of her freshman year—that was what we spent the whole summer arguing about. And I wound up praying the whole year that nothing would happen since she didn’t have job provided health insurance (she was working at Wal-Mart) and mine wouldn’t cover her if she wasn’t a student.</p>

<p>Please get to your college’s health center and counseling center while you’re still entitled to use them!</p>

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<p>^^^^^^^^</p>

<p>The health insurance reform legislation that was passed solves this problem I understand. Children can stay on parents health insurance until age 26. As long as the premiums are paid of course. No more student requirement.</p>