Absente parent.

College Confidential Community
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<p>I've been debating back and forth with myself if i should write him a letter, i figured i would get some opinions here, because it's a sore subject to talk about in my house... and since i've recently moved, i don't really have any friends around here to talk about it with.</p>

<p>Anyways... (long story)</p>

<p>My father is an alcoholic, the last time i saw him was 4 years ago on May 7th, 2004... he was in the hospital in Boise ID after a bike accident. He decided to drive drunk... anyways, when we left the hospital my mom and i had already had plans to leave the state the following week... and there divorce was finalized, despite his accident a few days before we left.</p>

<p>My mom and i drove to Nebraska, with no safety net, we knew no one, she wasn't even sure she would find employment to take care of me. Well she did, and four years later, she's now what i consider a very successful person. She went back to school, and got three associate degrees pertaining to nutritional services. Anyways, she more or less broke her back while i was in high school. I wasn't helping with my attitude problem, etc. Typical punk that 'no one understands' blah blah blah.</p>

<p>I went through a lot of emotional problems the first two years after the divorce, my father had done so many hurtful things to me trying to get back at her... like denying he was my father, calling my mom a **** in court, demanding a paternity test, which proved he was my father, and that she was not a ****. </p>

<p>Anyways, my father started making attempts to call me, but when he did, he'd always throw digs in about my mother, and that really got to me. On my 18th birthday... well actually a week later... he called me while he was drunk, then said, "Happy Birthday Amber"... my name is Amanda. Amber is his new step daughter, and it just hurt so i hung up on him. I didn't take any of his phone calls for christmas, or on his birthday, but in March my mom sent him a graduation invite. I began to wonder if maybe he would show up, i didn't know how i would feel, but decided i would be glad to see him.</p>

<p>Then... on the morning of my graduation, he calls and tells me... "...900 miles was just to far for me to travel..." I hung up, i didn't know what else to do. What should've been a happy day, just kind of went downhill, i wasn't going to get to see my dad, and obviously his only daughters high school graduation wasn't good enough of a reason... </p>

<p>It's been a little over a month now, and i am just wondering if i should write him a letter telling him how he hurt me, or if i should just leave well-enough, if that's what you can call it, alone?</p>

<p>Advice anyone?</p>

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<p>i'm sorry you had to go through so much
do whatever makes you feel better i guess =/
and ask the people on teenhelp.org</p>

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<p>im sorry your dad treats you so badly
honestly, i think if you send a letter to him, based on what you've said about him, it sounds like he probably either won't respond or he won't have the apologetic reaction you're hoping for him to have. this might make you feel even more let down than if you hadn't written the letter.</p>

<p>i think you should write the letter, because it really helps to let out your feelings, kind of like how writing in a diary is a good outlet for people, but i dont think you should send it. you should either just keep it or burn it. idk sometimes burning things is therapeutic for people...</p>

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<p>I say **** parents that walk out. My father made millions, then got addicted to crack and left my mother with a company, tons of bills and 2 children. The banks and IRS took almost everything and my mother was left there alone.</p>

<p>For the 1st time in 20 years, I saw my dad and I still hate that ****<strong><em>. If he crawled to my door starving and emaciated, id kick him in his mouth and throw him down the stairs. id watch that *</em></strong>er rot.</p>

<p>I don't believe in people making mistakes, everybody chooses their path and it should be accounted for. If you f-uck up, you need to deal with it for life. Poeple in this world are to easy and forgiving.</p>

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<p>Walk away as hard as that is, walk away.</p>

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<p>I lost my father 4 years ago, so I kinda have a biased opinion because I would do anything to have him back in my life and it bugs me when people say that they hate their father. My thoughts are that you only have one father and it would suck if he died and you never really got to know him. Getting to know hime again could be one of the best things you do. I think that you should write him a letter and just tell him how you feel. It wouldn't hurt to try and you'd hate to look back and regret not making ammends. This sounds a lot like my mom's problem with her parents and she says that one of the best things she did was to get to know my grandpa again. He's making a slight effort and I'm sure it's hurting him when you just ignore it. If he ever physically hurt you then I wouldn't even try. And as far as him making rude comments about your mom, just interupt him and say "Dad, I love my mom and I wish you'd stop saying those things to me. If that's all you have to say then I'm going to go." Those are just my thoughts, but you need to do what you feel most comfortable doing.</p>

<p>I'm kinda having a similar problem too. My grandma that lives an hour away (yet I have maybe seen her 5 times in my whole life) really wants me to come see her. In every birthday card she writes "Come see me sometime." I really don't want to see her, but at the same time I would like to know my grandma. I just don't see why she won't make an effort to come see me instead (she eats at a place ~2 miles past me every month--she drives straight past my house to get there). It really bugs me when she has the nerve to say "I love you". How can you love someone that you don't even know? Why would I want to drive to see you when I don't even know you? It's frustrating.</p>

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<p>I guess i left out what caused my mom to leave. My mom and dad always had an abusive relationship, but he never hit my brother or me.</p>

<p>The day my mom packed our things and left was the day my father put me in the hospital.</p>

<p>He was drunk, angry, and i had an attitude when i came home. He'd forgotten to pick me up from my volley-ball practice. I ended up having to walk the six miles home. About an hour before my mom got home from work, i got there, and was really hurt/angry. He asked me to get him a beer, so i did, but i shook it up first. That was not a good idea. He proceeded to break the bottle across my back. He then started kicking and punching me. I was laying on top of broken glass struggling to get away. I thought he was going to kill me, and he came fairly close. He beat me for almost an hour, our closest neighbor was miles down the road, so no one heard me screaming until she pulled up and called 911 before she went in. She took a fairly good beating getting him off of me.</p>

<p>I was in the hospital for close to two weeks.</p>

<p>Broken jaw, ribs, ankle and wrist. I had around 200 stitches in my back from the glass cutting me, and several head injuries, spinal cord injury, and bruises from head to toe. I lost quite a bit of blood in that hour too. </p>

<p>He was let off really easy in my opinion, had to go to rehab, jail for two weeks, and is still on probation.</p>

<p>I will never be able to play volley-ball again, it was absolutely my life dream to play in college... but i never really healed back to where i was. I have had around 6 surgeries since that happened.</p>

<p>I think i was more than fair in forgiving him, and he says he doesn't remember it... because of his accident.</p>

<p>I have tried to keep in touch with him, with the exception of ignoring a couple of phone calls. I know he doesn't remember it, so i've tried to forget it myself.</p>

<p>I just don't know if i should write him or not. Because i would more or less be breaking ties with him. I don't want to feel guilty, but it wasn't my fault, and i have tried.</p>

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<p>Wow I'm sorry to hear that. I wouldn't have anything to do with him after that. I would write a letter, but not send it. It's amazing how much better it can make you feel.</p>

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<p>:( :( :(</p>

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<p>I don't know what else to say, I'm speechless that a father would be capable of doing such a thing...I'd merely suggest to write the letter, or as many letters as you want to your dad, explaining every single thing you feel about him, everything that you want and don't want to tell him just to get it down on a piece of paper. Don't send it, but write it for yourself. Maybe one day there will be a time and place to hand off the letters to him, but at least give yourself some release. From what it sounds like, your dad does not deserve the satisfaction of an explanation from you.</p>

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<p>My estranged father did the exact same thing to me.</p>

<p>The day before my graduation, he swore up and down that he'd be there.
On my graduation day, I wait for him for over an hour after graduation ended and he doesn't show up, write, call, email, anything.</p>

<p>I did what you're considering - I sent him an email and he replied back blaming my mother for all the ill feelings I held towards him.
I never contacted him again, that was 3 years ago. </p>

<p>I think you should contact him, even if it's just for your own sake. So you can get some closure. But be prepared that his reaction may not be the on you hope for.</p>

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<p>I would not forgive him for beating you. Period. No parent, and especially a man beat his own daughter. Write him a letter that what he did was cruel and he isn't a good father. I think he's using the accident as an excuse. If you get amnesia, and what he is referring to is called a retrograde amnesia, it is most probable that the memory loss would be a few minutes right before the accident, unless the accident was severe. Idk, I'm not an expert but from my understanding, it is unlikely.</p>

<p>I personally would write him a goodbye letter telling him to not contact you, but that's just me.</p>