My daughter was placed on academic suspension just one week before she is to return for next semester; yes, she failed her classes BUT as far as I know and in my research of emails, etc., she was not given any type of warning or probationary period. I sincerely feel it is the school’s responsibility to make the student and/or parents aware as early as possible that a suspension is the next step. I also am so livid with her I could spit nails. She tells me she knew she had a low grade, had dropped 2 classes in late October (which I was NOT aware of) and now she does not want to appeal it, has no plans to return. She feels she was not given all the true facts and info upon admission, which will require six years of school to get where she wishes. We now have student loans and ParentPlus loans for a full semester all for nothing!!! I think this should be one of those hard life lessons and have told her she is on her own from here on out. I will support her but I will not take out any more parent loans, pay for books, and I will not do the footwork necessary to enroll, etc for any other schools. Am I the only one that has to deal with this stuff. I’m trying to remain calm but am about at my wits end.
What else did the school need to do? Yoir daughter says she failed her courses. If it were me, as a parent, I would not allow her to return even if the school would let her.
You have every right to be annoyed.
But then…help,her figure out what went wrong. Why did she need to drop,two,courses, and why did she fail,the rest. Until you find those answers, I would not let her return to any college…at all.
Then help,her set a plan. This could be working for the upcoming semester. Then maybe taking a course at a community college. She needs to show,that she can handle college work before she returns to college full time.
Explore other career options. Maybe she would be happier going to a trade school. Cllege isn’t for everyone…and it isn’t for,everyone right out of high school.
Work,with her to find out what went wrong…and help her form a plan.
Yep, it’s hard on the parents to not know what is happening. If your daughter doesn’t even WANT to return, there is no point in appealing but you might want to see if there is anything you could do about the grades (is it possible to withdraw?) because they will hurt her if she tries to go to another school. Can she retake the classes at a community college for grade replacement? Can she take an incomplete and make up the work? It probably won’t change her financial situation, just the gpa.
Right now get her on a plan to repay those student loans. The grace period will be up soon, so it is best just to start paying them.
This is a difficult situation. I feel for you and for your daughter. It is likely that she struggled very hard in one or two classes and tried as hard as she could to get the grades up in them-but then dropped them very late in the game-after they’d messed up her other classes. it is a common problem -esp in a very rigorous school-don’t know where she is but it is common. I would provide as much support as possible. Students don’t go to college thinking “I’ll flunk out now”. They often have too much pride to ask for help or don’t know how deeply they are in the hole. Many have always gotten A’s and find themselves in quicksand without a clue as to how to proceed. They want to handle it themselves but us adults know they can’t always do that. They don’t know that tho and try-poorly.
In her defense she was working off campus at the very least 25-28 hours a week. And she stated she never said anything because she thought she could handle it herself. Mind you, I just learned of this in the last 3 hours so this is very fresh and my mind is running in a dozen different directions. I asked her many many times if she was working too much, maybe she needed to cut her hours but she assured me everything was good. Now she wishes to enroll in perhaps online classes elsewhere and move on. I realize this suspension and failed classes will be on her academic record. She’s just a few months shy of being 20 yrs old but some days she is still a 14-year-old girl. Where do you draw the line and say “grow up”!!?? And yet continue to be supportive and not the helicopter parent.??? I’m just beside myself and hurt that she kept it from me. There are academic counselors, advisors, teachers, tutors, a multidisciplinary team of help at the school. Wouldn’t someone along the way sensed if extra help was needed??? And why didn’t I, as the mom, sense this?!!
In college, it is,the student who needs to “sense” they need help…and they need to access that help.
It sounds like this was not a goo fit for her…and her job was really more important to her than her studies. Perhaps,that work experience will help,her get a job close to home!
I would suggest she take a community college course first…before online courses. Online courses take a lot of self discipline…and she hasn’t shown she has that.
Thanks all for the feedback. Community college is where she is looking. And I will definitely stay on top of things more. I still feel like the failed parent somehow here… like I should’ve seen it coming or something!!
Sadly, parents are left out of the loop, even if it our $/loans paying the bill!
You’re upset and confused right now. Try to just let it sink in for a few days. Then make some decisions about what your stance will be. It is not your fault for not sensing it. Some kids freeze when they start failing and can’t recover.
I would think a job and a small course load at local community college might be in order…(or classes after skipping a semester).
Good luck!
OP - You didn’t fail as a parent. You let her spread her wings hoping she’d fly… and it didn’t work out. Resist the urge to do too much fixing short term. I agree with the advise for job and small course load. Consult the counelors at your local CC.
You are not the only one to have a kid come home after difficulties. Working a job and at some point starting with a class at a CC sounds good. I actually think online classes can be better for some kids, especially quiet ones who prefer writing on a forum versus speaking in class. There are adult learner and extension programs with online classes.
There are many ways to finish college, and many ways to live without college too. Life at this age can zig and zag and after a few bumps, things can work out over time. Promise.
One other thing: if she has ADHD, depression, a learning disability, anything like that, she might be able to do a medical withdrawal and wipe the slate clean, or get extensions. This is tough after the fact so not too hopeful, but you could talk to your daughter and meet with a dean.
I don’t have specific advice for you, but I can offer you an internet <> and say that sucks, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
When stuff like this happens in our house we try and step back, cool down, then figure out what went wrong and try and make a written plan for everyone going ahead-there’s no point in heaping blame, it’s already happened. How to keep it from happening again is usually what we focus on.
I also will occasionally sit in the closet with a glass of wine, hold the dog, and quietly cry. My husband will kill zombies and make us go for long walks.
It’s how we cope with teenagers.
I’m really sorry to hear about what happened. The only advice I have is that as difficult as it is for you, it’s probably 10x worse for your D. Try to swallow your anger and any feelings of wanting to punish her, and do your best to be supportive. This is one of the times that tests us as parents, where can get frustrated and react poorly or take a deep breath and try to do what’s best for our kids moving forward.
I keep posting this, but people have no idea what they are asking for when they think a failing student could just decide to take an incomplete and make up work. It isn’t feasible and would be an utter nightmare for the professors. Typically, students are required to be passing at the time they request an incomplete, which has to be for some pressing situation which cannot be dealt with any other way, not just students too lazy to do the work the first time around. Sorry, but the ongoing incidents of this suggestion really, really irk me.
Community college … and, RELAX, mom.
^^ YOU try “relaxing” when something like this happens-not that easy, I’m sure. She’s out a lot of money and her kid’s future has changed dramatically-that’s not something to “relax” about, in my opinion.
I’m sorry for your pain but what you “feel” is not relevant. The school should have policies outlined in it’s catalog. In many cases the school is prohibited from notifying parents unless the student grants a waiver. You should look at the stated policies and make sure everything was followed correctly.
Working 25 hours per week is no match for college and is surely the cause of her demise. I would rather borrow extra money than work during college. Live and learn. Maybe 10 hours per week is doable, but given the failure, I wouldn’t even do that. I think she’s best off joining the working world for at least a while until she wants what college has to offer academically.
Also, if she dropped some classes, you may have a refund coming because she wasn’t a full-time student. There is generally a refund schedule based on when the course is dropped. You probably have to request the refund. The school probably doesn’t have a mechanism to just send it to you.
This is very hard, but you did nothing wrong. One way to think about this is to propose the upcoming year as ‘the gap year that should have been.’ Instead of going off to college, for which she was clearly not ready, perhaps she needs a gap year (or two) to mature at bit. Too many students don’t get ‘the gift of time’ that they need to grow up. People think college is going to be that growing up time, and it is for some kids, but by no means all.
So think through some gap year plans - work/internships that she can do for a year or more. Once she has regained some focus and some confidence (this has to be very hard on her self-esteem), she can take some classes at community college to test her wings. The option to transfer back into full-time 4 year college work is still there but not right now.
You might also both want to invest in some counseling sessions if your insurance will cover it. There’s a lot going on here. She couldn’t bring herself to admit that she was failing and to ask you for advice. She probably would benefit from talking to someone about this not very constructive way of handling problems. You are justifiably angry and disappointed - and getting some help in how to handle that can only strengthen you and your relationship with her. Good luck!
Did she take a gap year? Most freshmen would be turning 19 years old.
Make sure she takes a leave of absence and un-enrolls for next semester formally before you are charged tuition, room and board, etc. Formally withdrawing will allow her to return at some point in the future possibly. Disappearing may backfire in years to come if she wants to return to college anywhere.
If your daughter dropped two classes and then failed the rest (or failed enough), that may be why it’s a suspension, and not probation-- because of where the GPA threshholds for those categories are. Honestl, an appeal will probably not be successful, and if she’s feeling bad or knows it’s her fault, she may not want to go through that process. I think refusing to take on additional loans is a good thing-- perhaps she can work and help contribute to the interest on the student and plus loans, and take a CC class or two. If she ever wants to go back (or receive fin aid at another school), she’ll need to demonstrate that she can handle college level work. Perhaps working only for a semester will give her a sense of why college is important-- it sounds like she needs time to grow and decide that college is the right choice for her (if it is).