<p>dear illumin4tus, glad to hear that the few Dukies who know how things spun out for you in this class were supportive. If you had confided a bit more explicitly mid semester in someone, anyone, an upperclassman might have pointed you and shoved you towards the withdrawal option. </p>
<p>But when you have an identity of being "the heroic son" and "the winner" it is sometimes difficult to know how to handle a stumble. How many Dukies are in this role in their families? Lots! You probably have very little experience at one step forward two steps back, and you probably have always been able to work yourself out of any hole before. In life coping with a bad season is also a necessary skill, as you will sometimes get a bad hand of cards, a bad boss, or other things not in your control and not be in prime condition for every challenge. </p>
<p>Duke students tend to be a bit grandiose and although we love that about them, it is also important to take time before you graduate to define success and failure differently from being "on top." Being "at the top" after getting into Duke is a false race because you already are special enough! Your job is to find friendship and to learn about what is necessary for you to have a balanced, fulfilling life in the workplace. This is different than in high school where being on top had to happen to get into Duke in the first place. The work force is full of mini failures and roadblocks. Social intelligence and self knowledge will guide you through, with the help of a few friends who still like you even if you screw up. It is a lot to expect of anyone in their early 20s to have a thorough self knowledge in place...you are learning who you are and what your temperament and talent can do for you and what your limits are. </p>
<p>you know, I actually think the admissions staff does a brilliant job at Duke, not only because they admitted our kid but because I admire so many of his friends, many (if not all) of whom are more gifted than our kid is in several academic arenas. Still, my son is loved and valued and he is always proud of them, too. My son has to study like a gladiator to make it at Duke, but frankly, some kids really don't have to work that hard. But he has his talents, and feels validated in other ways. However, he did get many rejection letters in a field this winter before he got a decent job/internship. Pretty shocking from someone used to "winning." He realizes now that this particular job interview race is also quite inflated and surreal, and he is looking to more realistic beginnings for himself.
Regarding your dad's difficult spell and health issues, and your parents' worries about your brother, of course this forum is not a good place to make detailed comments. But please note that after I did get a season of counseling..I went weekly for several months..more than the usual 4-6 times...my family didn't change at all. They continued on doing what they do and had very little insight into how it affected me. It was my understanding, my framework that changed. I also did not get counseling at my (smaller than Duke) college office although I knew the counselor and could see he was a great guy. I was stuck in the role of being The Winner and felt that as long as I was always "Great" my parents might get "better." If I was not doing Great, their world would cave in. I know that sounds weird that a Phi Beta Kappa could be so primitive as to think that her own "success" would literally make things better for adults living far away, but this was my illusion. I actually didn't get counseling until I experienced great disappointment/sadness that my success didn't result in significant changes in their lives.<br>
Anyway, Duke is so large that the CAPs office is more private. Let the counselor explain confidentiality to you fully, so you feel safe. Know that the first hour is awkward as heck. My first hour, I presented my idea of my "problem" and after a session or two I realized that....my problem was going to be defined entirely in a different light. Redefining my problem was actually the outcome of the counseling..not fixing the problem. As soon as I had a new way to view things and to view my role in my family, I felt intense relief and was able to let go of my sense of what was "my job." I got a new outlook on what I could do to be helpful and constructive, and I let go of the role I had developed as a teenager for myself. I really enjoyed my 20s so much!<br>
I liked Rob Goodlatte's Chronicle essay last week...I am sure that sometimes he felt badly about his GPR but he let his passion and confidence take him forward. You also have something special that is going to carry you through this one fumble. There is a reason you were admitted to Duke, and you probably know what it is that your references said about you that was more than your stats. Have faith in yourself.
Do you intend to ever send a son or daughter to college? If so, my final word is that you treat yourself exactly the way you would treat your own son, a son who had brought much pride to the family already, a son with tons of talent and enthusiasm in life. First of all, you would want to be a father who was healthy/steady enough to be a good sounding board when his son made a miscalculation or experienced the first real rejection or first real disappointment or had to change directions and go to Plan B. If your Dad can't do that for you this year, I want to praise you for your compassion for him. In your twenties however, you are allowed to be that good parent to yourself and you are allowed to find friends to fill in the gaps. No parents are really equipped to do it all beautifully. Parents strive instead to be "good enough parents"...and you can choose to be the "good enough son." Find mentors and sounding boards while you are still at Duke to fill in the gaps. Have a happier next year at Duke! all best.</p>