<p>I completely agree with thumper. It sounds as if the main concern is about getting old grades changed instead of what it should be…getting her mental health restored. The parents should be the ones in close contact with all involved-therapists, counselor, teachers, not just having a troubled student bring in a note. You can not change the past, but you can change her future. Get her help from mental health practitioners now. Your child’s life is at stake. This is not about grades!</p>
<p>I have so much empathy for you fightingirishdad.</p>
<p>Step off the rat race conveyor belt of high school and college admissions. Strip it all away and look at your child. She loves you and needs you. </p>
<p>If she doesn’t graduate right now, it will be OK. If she chooses a college later, with better perspective, it will be OK.</p>
<p>Try not to think, if we can salvage ‘this’ or if only she keeps doing ‘that’, it might work out. </p>
<p>Try to consider this as a major illness that needs immediate treatment. But it is harder than that because her therapist can only see the part of the problem that your daughter is willing to reveal. You probably see more but not everything. So the problem that needs to be solved is not easily seen yet.</p>
<p>Sending you wishes for calmness and strength for action. </p>
<p>Op
I haven’t read all the posts. I stopped after your post of “walking corpse” and “ebbing in and out of suicide.”</p>
<p>I am going to be blunt. Screw the grades, the GC, the principal, college, graduation, the Fs, the 504s, what is “fair” and due to your D, and all of the above. Who cares? The main goal is to keep your D alive. How do you do that? By getting to a psychiatrist, getting meds, possible admission to a psychiatry ward so that she can’t hurt herself during the one month that it takes the meds to take effect. (or in the case of Wellbutrin which acts immediately.)</p>
<p>Who cares about all that other crap? Preserve life.</p>
<p>I totally agree. You need to make sure she’s safe. Not the teachers or the guidance counselor. YOU. So that’s your first decision to make, and as mentioned above, a youth facility or treatment center should be your first preoccupation.
Next should be turning all her spring semester grades into incompletes. Only when your daughter is well enough to handle school should you worry about school, and at that time look into a 504. THe 504 will NOT “handicap” your daughter in any way as long as the reasons behind it are not discussed (which you’re not obliged to do.)</p>
<p>fightingirishdad, sending good thoughts your way, to get your daughter the help and support she needs. I remember your posts from last year and it’s been a rough road for you but it looks like you have the energy to keep going. The grades, schools etc. can be put on the back burner for now as you use your energy to get her on the road to healing.</p>
<p>And his daughter is now 18, and technically an adult, so she could fight him on some of this medical stuff, and it be far more difficult to get her a psychiatrist, institutionalized (at least for more than 72 hours), and taking medications. She is technically no longer a youth or child, even though she’s a senior.</p>
<p>fightingirishdad Over the weekend I hope your family has some ‘down time’ to help sort out what can help your DD and work in that direction.</p>
<p>In my post Mar 6 I had a typo (DD instead of DH - husband was not aware of DD’s suicidal thoughts, and what DD revealed to me was beyond what she had previously revealed to the LPC).</p>
<p>Your D’s therapist and you do have to get through to the school admin and teachers, but this is very secondary to getting your DD on better emotional health. I knew how to best navigate our school situation, and it worked out OK on the school front and our DD improved as quickly as could have reasonably been expected. Major depression can be a tough beast, person can feel they are in a very deep hole.</p>
<p>When DD blamed me for depression, it was OK - I could carry that while she was struggling to get well. DD did discover that the summer weeks getting away from me or home did not take away the depression from her, so it was clearer to DD that it was something she had to sort out and work through.</p>
<p>We are worried for your DD. Hope you can post encouraging follow up.</p>
<p>Since our crisis was during junior year and she was able to manage - getting to summer, and summer was a great restful and build up period. Senior year was lighter schedule and continued build up with right med combination and doing well with LPC.</p>
<p>I did think about a stop out year if needed. </p>
<p>DD sounds like she needs to work through depression and get to much better health before anything else; also decrease family stresses that are in your and your W’s control re how you interact.</p>
<p>I want to point out that some residential facility is not necessarily required. That’s a determination that rests on the evaluations. Sometimes, for a crisis, other times based on how someone is better served. Far from automatic. None of us here know enough.</p>
<p>I so appreciate the many personal stories that posters have shared all in an effort to help. Dad, I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone; so many people have suffered through varying versions of your story. It is not easy to take a detour from the hopes and dreams that we have for our children, but invariably these bumps make us stronger and wiser. Your daughter sounds special and I’m sure her light will shine bright again once she returns to her whole self. I can tell that you are a loving father and i know this must be extremely difficult. I hope that you are getting some support through this.</p>
<p>I’m going to say this in a way I haven’t seen yet. I’m going to shout it, actually. YOU ARE IN DANGER OF LOSING YOUR DAUGHTER. People with suicidal thoughts act on them sometimes. Do not let that continue to be a possibility. Screw college and the high school and everything else. </p>
<p>This is obviously an exhausting, confusing and painful experience for your family. It’s very difficult to coordinate a response that will help your child, but perhaps these steps would move you in the right direction? 1) Obtain care for your child by both a child/youth psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. 2) Request in writing an evaluation for special ed and IEP eligibility from your school (see wrightslaw.com for instructions). 3) Contact the local NAMI for family-to-family education and support. 4) Seek support and information online via the Balanced Mind Foundation (for parents of kids with MI): <a href=“http://www.thebalancedmind.org/”>http://www.thebalancedmind.org/</a>. 5) Find out if you can set up Power of Attorney for Healthcare for your DD because as an 18yo, she’s treated as an adult by the medical/legal world. 6) Petition to have her recent low school grades dropped due to medical condition. 7) Put college plans on hold and consider requesting a deferral of enrollment if needed. College does not isolate students from home problems, in many cases. 8) Consider residential treatment center/schools or partial hospitalization, etc., if she’s eligible (might be too old for some programs). 8) Don’t worry about impact down the line about her medical records, but address this concern with knowledgeable sped attorney (do a consult) with expertise in youth with mental illness. Also address education issues with atty. 9) As all have said before, fight for her life right now. It will get better, but it could take a few years. It’s not a race to get through college. When time for college comes, perhaps Mills might be a good fit for her (local, but a solid small LAC). </p>
<p>Please, please, PLEASE listen to ordinarylives. I’ve lost too many friends to depression (suicide). Your daughter is throwing up every possible warning sign and cry for help in the book. </p>
<p>Screw high school, screw college, screw whatever hopes and dreams you and her mom have for her: if you don’t act and act soon there isn’t going to be a D to HAVE those hopes and dreams FOR. </p>
<p>This situation is salvageable in terms of the fall, but the priority now is your daughter’s survival.</p>
<p>I think she should leave school for now (some schools actually let a kid attend for social reasons without being enrolled academically). She can get a GED or a diploma from a place like North Atlantic Regional High School (google it). Either way, she can go to college in the fall if she is ready.</p>
<p>If she really wants to stay tied to school and graduation, you can call the Federal Dept. of Education’s Office for Civil Rights or pay for one session with a lawyer. The school is not allowed to drag its feet on the 504, and teachers do not need to be involved. Who is the 504 coordinator at your school? Usually it is the principal. This is not a priority but at some point you will need an advocate to clear up her record. The Feds will go down to the school and educate them, even if you call for information rather than to file a complaint. Just ask them. There is also the Federation for Children with Special Needs and NAMI.</p>
<p>She SHOULD have been entitled to time at home with accommodations such as a daily sheet filled out by all teachers with homework, what was done in class, quizzes and tests, notes from class and missing grades so she could keep up. And while at home like this, she should also be able to keep up with extracurriculars and even attend class when feeling up to it. In other words, she should be able to be in and out on a daily or even hourly basis while she heals. The worry about a 504 being on her record is absurd, sorry.</p>
<p>I cannot believe this young woman is not on medication. Unbelievable, sorry. And yes, now she is old enough to refuse. Depression like this can kill her. Please please get her to a psychiatrist who will try medications for her. This is an absolute priority. I should have put this first!</p>
<p>Please know and convey that there are NO disasters in life, as long as you stay alive. The schools she got into may be understanding and let her come in the fall if full treatment has been done. But even if she has nowhere to go, this fall, getting off the conveyor belt can be freeing. However, with your family situation, I think she should try to get into a hospital day program that can then provide some sort of transitional situation like a house with peers from which she can venture out.</p>
<p>You are trying to hold together normalcy for her and it is not working. Normalcy is an illusion anyway. Let go of this tense hold on it. Help her understand that she has a medical problem, depression, that she can manage but that is dangerous to ignore. Her dreams for the future can still happen but will only work out if she faces the problem now and gets treatment.</p>
<p>Many freshmen arrive on campus on meds for depression. It is still possible. But right now she CANNOT do the work. The pressure to do the work is dangerous! She can finish high school in several ways (GED, NARHS, online, community college) and probably already has the credits to graduate. </p>
<p>Get her a psychiatrist and meds first and foremost. Then things will become clearer. Good luck.</p>
<p>^ does she have time to process a 504, in March of senior year? Plus, do the requirements for approval allow for an unspecified “therapist” to attest? (The advice about a psychiatrist has been longstanding; no one here yet knows what sort of therapist this is.) </p>
<p>I think one of Dad’s issues is that D does seem “happier” in the hs environment, despite the grades issue. Many of us would be aware of other potential issues in taking her away from that. This is terribly serious, dangerous, but not all issues are clear cut. Again, that cycles us back to a psychiatrist and meds, careful focused attention to getting her better.</p>
<p>As for advice on the 504 or IEP, yes mental illnesses are diagnoses that should yield those things, but we have no idea what sort of documentation has been provided the school. A “letter” from a therapist may or may not contain the what the school needs for a 504 determination. We don’t even know if the therapist is someone who is allowed to diagnose according to the school system/state. Many kinds of degrees allow a person to be a “therapist” but only some of them are qualified to issue a diagnosis.</p>
<p>Honestly, a school knows full well it can be sued for ignoring a documented disability. I am more inclined to believe there is a problem at some level with the documentation rather than they are blatantly ignoring pleas for help.</p>
<p>Meant to add that you, the Dad, should write the 504 and then have then sign it. Get an advocate to help if needed,and have an MD involved. Ditto when she goes to college, if she goes. You should write the letter asking for accommodations and list them (single room option, extensions on papers, excused absences, make-up exams, counseling and support, reduced course load option) then have an MD sign and send to the disablities office. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that professionals in the schools or in medical offices know how to do this.</p>
<p>I have a kid with three serious health conditions who managed to stay in school life while also spending a lot of time at home. She had the plan I outlined above, with sheets filled out by every teacher that the nurse collected at the end of the day, and I picked it up. She was in an out, and still did extracurriculars. If being different in this way it too painful then maybe she can attend classes and appear normal but actually be auditing. I know of a school that allowed that.</p>
<p>I have another child who is a performer who did the GED and NARHS route. it worked out fine with colleges.</p>
<p>The important point is to enlist help from an advocate who can come up with creative approaches. It is possible that if you take this seriously and take action, your daughter will be relieved.</p>
<p>p.s. if she does do a gap year, look up NOLS, National Outdoor Leadership School, which is a wilderness school that has helped some kids i know in similar straits.</p>
<p>The dad can write a letter requesting a 504 eligibility meeting. BUT the district would actually WRITE the 504 accommodation plan. There are specific criteria for this, as well as documentation that it is necessary. The district MUST respond to the request for a meeting to discuss this. It is mandatory…no exceptions.</p>
<p>BUT…I’m going to say it again. A 504 accommodation plan or an IEP sound like a band aid to a serious mental health issue here.</p>
<p>I strongly suggest that the family deal with the welfare of their child FIRST. School can come later, or in a different format as noted above. </p>
<p>There are therapeutic treatment programs WITH a school component. But first…deal with the other issues. Please.</p>
<p>Sorry for the lack of response this weekend! We’ve been very busy with DD. This is just a quick note to say that I’ve caught up with everything on the thread, and I am currently typing up a response.</p>
<p>Thanks fightingirishdad. We’ve all been very concerned and keep you, your daughter, and your entire family in our thoughts.</p>
<p>First of all, I want to say how blessed I feel to have so many supportive parents on this thread. This hasn’t been something that many people have been very open or supportive about, so the amount support coming from this thread is wonderful. How much do I wish I could have posted about this back in sophomore year - maybe we could have really taken the steps needed back then instead of working in destructive cycles the last few years. Nevertheless, I’m grateful that I can support her now.</p>
<p>DD’s therapist does not think she is “sick” enough to get any of the drastic accommodations listed above. I had a long talk with her yesterday, and she felt that D needs to do her work, which will help take some of the pressure off. She does not think D is actually at risk of suicide, and also doesn’t think any sort of residential, work-from-home/school is possible for her. Not going to lie, it made me a bit angry, as I’m the one living with her and seeing that she clearly isn’t capable of just “doing the work.” Therapist insisted she just needs to get off her butt and do it. She also told me DD’s been cutting pretty regularly, but it’s just her catharsis, and isn’t an attempt at suicide because she’s done it for over a year. Not exactly sure what to think about what the therapist is saying… </p>
<p>Me and W talked to D’s pediatrician about medication. The pediatrician said that it could work wonders, but it could completely mess her up for the rest of her life. Not very assuring. She did give us a psychiatrist she really recommended though, and she’s known D since birth, so I trust her judgment.</p>
<p>DD made us a powerpoint about her depression. It was very playful wording for such a serious topic, but the gist is that she wants us (or perhaps W more so) to know that it is biological, that it should be treated just like a broken leg, and that she really wants our support so that she can kick it to the curb. I think all of us are finally starting to see on the same level; it certainly opened W’s eyes a bit more to what exactly this is, and she’s open to treatment. </p>
<p>We’re meeting with the psychiatrist tomorrow to get her on medication, monitored. I’m meeting with the principal tomorrow to discuss the sort of accommodations @compmom listed, and I am getting these teachers off her back, seriously. She can hardly go to school because she’s so sick with worry, but in her powerpoint (I’m sad she couldn’t talk to us directly about it, but it’s understandable for a sensitive topic) she told us that once she knows she has to accommodations, it will be easier for her to handle the workload. One of the teachers she TA’s for has been yelling at her a lot for being incompetent, and gave her a F on the progress report for “not attending class enough.” That’s absolutely ludicrous! I don’t care what anyone says about resolving issues with teachers; she has no obligation like this to a teacher she is TAing for, especially one she barely knows. I will not have her in that teacher’s class anymore if I have to twist the administration’s arm - that one class makes her so miserable, and it’s not even an academic class. Anyway, sorry for that tangent.</p>
<p>Her progress report came, which freaked her out, but thankfully we had the talk about accommodations soon after, and now she’s looking better, especially because she knows the school situation is going to work out and she has our support. I’ve told her not to worry about the academics; we’re focusing on medication, regular therapy, and getting the plans passed through the administration. If she can balance her academics and all the stuff she loves with that, then great! She can walk in June. But if not, it’s okay. The main focus right now is getting her better.</p>