<p>I probably missed your daughter’s age, but if she is not yet 18, you’d better hurry and take steps to get her some serious help and/or hospitalization before she turns 18. Your options are very limited once she’s technically an adult without a suicide attempt (which would get her a 72-hour or so in-hospital stay most likely) or a court intervening. She is definitely not ready for college, as much as I know you pray it would be her salvation–different people, different setting, away from bad memories, etc.</p>
<p>She just turned 18 last month. Is that going to have a large impact on things?</p>
<p>To everyone who said I should go above the counselor - I will try to do that ASAP. @MYOS1634 Thank you for spelling it out for me. I didn’t fully understand that what has happened can be quantified so succinctly for the principal. The way you said it, action would have to be taken. We’ve been trying to get her a 504 Plan for a while, but once again, the counselor has been dragging his feet for months. He says it will be too much of a burden to get all the teachers together. Most of her teachers, with the exception of 1 or 2, don’t seem to want to take out the time to help her get a 504 Plan (I wasn’t aware that a meeting with the teachers was necessary at all, but according to the GC, it is.)</p>
<p>We are considering having her work from home for a while. @mom60 I agree that a note from an MD will likely carry more weight, thank you for the suggestion. </p>
<p>I agree that we will most likely have to defer for a year, but the high school grades need to be salvaged regardless.</p>
<p>I’m talking to W as soon as we get home from work. From there, I’m planning on talking to her doctor and then confronting the principal about the situation. If the teachers are willing to make accommodations, great! We will have her work from home and come to school a day or so a week for work. If not, we will see if we can get her to work from home after a breather period.</p>
<p>If she wants to be give you trouble about things, she could use being 18 to her advantage… I would not even mention that to her–given she’s still a student, she may not realize that being 18 has an impact on things. </p>
<p>You can even try to get an IEP, in which case the school wouldn’t be “dragging its feet”: an IEP is mandatory and not respecting it is illegal. Not sure about the 504 but even though indeed it requires teachers on board, it doesn’t mean teachers can choose to comply or not. They have to offer accomodations that take the pathology, disorder, or disability into account, get it approved, then stick to what they offered to do. They have to suggest accomodations but those don’t have to be as extensive as an IEP’s (which means “individualized plan”). Once the 504 is agreed upon, there’s a legal obligation to respect it but I know IEP is more binding (I’m not a lawyer so I can’t explain exactly how it’d differ, but if the school won’t proceed with reasonable accomodations then you can get an IEP; furthermore, there may be slight differences in implementation depending on the states.)
<a href=“Protecting Students With Disabilities”>http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/504faq.html</a>
<a href=“http://departments.weber.edu/teachall/504/handbook.html”>http://departments.weber.edu/teachall/504/handbook.html</a>
<a href=“http://www.ldonline.org/article/6277/”>http://www.ldonline.org/article/6277/</a>
<a href=“http://www.schoolmentalhealth.org/”>http://www.schoolmentalhealth.org/</a>
Other parents will be of more help.
Also, the counselor will have to note that the student was on a 504 or IEP in his/her recommendation and that can help in providing context for her grades - although at this point you may want to request another guidance counselor for your daughter.
School from home may be a solution but based on what your said, hospitalization or specialized care might be necessary.</p>
<p>My son had a 504 in HS. We met with the counselor the summer before he started school. In the three years he had the plan we never had a meeting with all the teachers. It is not up to the teachers to determine if accommodations are needed. Does your school have a head counselor? Or most schools also have a school psychologist. If not one at each school the district will have one. </p>
<p>It’s March of senior year. She has a few admits and is waiting for more, the recs are submitted.</p>
<p>There’s ~3 months until graduation. Will we be able to get a 504 or IEP Plan in that time? Or, at least, the time we need for her to get her grades away from almost straight Fs?</p>
<p>Right now, graduation is not in the cards - it’s not the emergency. As someone said upthread, treat this as if your daughter had a gunshot wound. Everything is secondary to getting her well (and this will take time - perhaps as long as a year). Anyway, yes you should get her a 504 at the very least and get her some accomodations so that none of the grades she accumulated this semester while in that much pain and without the accomodations in place “count”. The F’s could be suspended and the semester “done over” once she’s in a mental and physical state that allow her to actually take classes and achieve at her actual level. In addition, that gives the school enough time either to figure out a 504 or an IEP for her. Learn the name of the ombudsman and signal to the principal that you’re ready to talk with him if that helps the teachers understand, but that the situation has progressed to a point where the school may nearly be at fault.* Meet with a therapist and a physician. Get all the papers you need.
You may want to think in terms of her graduating next December and getting her the help she needs now. </p>
<ul>
<li>This is not my legal opinion, but this has gone on for a while and nothing has been done at the school.
I hope some parents with legal expertise will jump in…
It may also help if you tell us what state you live in (I don’t think you have?) since obligations and rules (or their applications) may differ.
The guidance counselor may have ‘thought she was getting therapy’ and so that it’d be okay to just “share when he himself has felt down”… except that it’s not in any shape or form what guidance counselors are supposed to do with a teen with problems involving suicidal thoughts, cutting, etc. Even with only Psych 101 a college freshman knows that depression is not the same thing as “feeling blue from time to time”. Any professional working in a school district knows they have legal responsibilities toward students, including those with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illnesses, including complying with legal/reasonable accomodations. Only truly incompetent professionals would think positive thoughts and fresh air can cure depression and you can bet that lack of action would not go unnoticed if the board was brought into it. (I am NOT saying that’s what should be done, not at all.) They’re actual trained professionals and at the very least wary of liability. Lack of action when signs should have alarmed them at the very least and launched accomodations, help, or something, is probably contrary to half a dozen laws; treating a teen with a mental illness borderline flippantly and not organizing a 504 or doing anything is not just your problem. It’s the school’s, too. If anything has happened or happens to your daughter, not only on school property but also in conjunction with school, that counselor doesn’t want to think of what would happen if you testify to what was and wasn’t done to help your daughter.
I have dealt with one such administrator once; I’ll just say it could have ended worse, but the first thing they tried to do is cover their … They realized they hadn’t done what they should have done when they should have done it, could be held responsible, tried to find someone to blame, and did everything they were supposed to have done before so that it didn’t go further.
And I wasn’t kidding when I said that even a weekend can make a difference (positive or negative.)</li>
</ul>
<p>Does she have enough units to graduate without this semesters grades?
Another alternative is if you can withdraw her without those grades showing up she could complete her senior year at your districts alternative school. If the school is accommodating sometimes the diploma can come from the home HS.</p>
<p>OP, you need to call the district and see what is required, including documentation and the timeline. You need to be sure that an IEP or 504 meets your wants and that she qualifies. Ask. And ask what alternatives are appropriate. At this point, you’re not asking for accommodations to help her keep up, you’re asking for a Hail Mary Pass. Fine, but get some info. </p>
<p>Maybe you can google your own district tonight.
You wrote you have been trying to get a 504. So, what did they say about the requirements? </p>
<p>MYOS- California, Sf area. Understand that there is a backstory here, over a year. And that we do not know what is going on between her and the school, why they are hesitating.</p>
<p>A good friend was an elementary teacher for about 5 years. She began to sort of informally advising parents of a couple of her students that their kids might have some learning disability. They were insulted and went to the school. In another other instance, the parents came to the teacher telling her that they had received some sort of official diagnosis of some emotional and/or learning disability. She told them, no way does your kid have that disability. Forget it. Your kid just needs to (whatever). After a year of them taking her advice and “ignoring” the diagnosis, they were told or suddenly realized they should have done something far earlier and blamed her for her advice. The school (private) fired her in June. They did not say why (saying attendance was done but then replaced her the next fall). Knowing the people involved, it was because she was giving advice, putting the school at risk, and getting too involved with parents. That may be some level of what’s going on here–the school is scared to death to do anything more.</p>
<p>The OP needs to get the help he needs for his daughter. At this point, there is a lot of finger pointing going on here. The OP has been posting about this daughter’s mental,health issues for a LONG time on this forum. It is time to go into HIGH gear in terms of getting help for this young lady.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would be in very close contact with a psychiatrist. I would be discussing residential as well as significant day treatment programs to help her. The whole family needs counseling as well, in my opinion.</p>
<p>The last thing this family should be,discussing right now is college. If this student gets accepted to the school of her choice, she can ask for a deferral. </p>
<p>The number one priority is to make sure this young lady gets help, significant help. And ASAP. </p>
<p>As noted upstream, this is an illness that is difficult for some to understand. But the reality is the young lady needs help.And she needs it very quickly. </p>
<p>ETA…forget about the school for now. Your daughter needs the help of specially and highly qualified mental health professionals.</p>
<p>I realize that there’s something I may not “get”, or that I may filter due to bad experiences with public schools dragging their feet to help kids with illnesses, disabilities, etc. And I had to deal with obtuse administrators wrt suicidal/depressed/cutting students.
I apologize to OP for the following long post - the questions below aren’t rhetorical.
I understand why the teachers aren’t involved - they aren’t trained for that and while they may be sensible, they equally may not. However the guidance counselors and the administrators, sensible or not, should know a student-at-risk when there’s one - the liability alone should get them to have all senses on alert when anything might go awry.
If they’re worried, they should be offering accomodations so that nothing can be reproached, shouldn’t they?
Thanks lookingforward - sorry, we indeed don’t know the backstory:
The school may think the girl is “pretending” but… how can any professional imagine a girl is pretending to be depressed for months on end? How can there be a professional in this whole country, even people who are 65+, who hasn’t heard during an in-service day, that whenever a kid self-harms or speaks about killing themselves, even jokingly, it has to be taken seriously and immediately? I may have misunderstood but haven’t the parents brought up the issue with the school (perhaps skittishly/Unclearly/in understatements)? Haven’t they asked for help or accomodation? Are the parents supposed to be such helicopter parents or such pains in the neck or such exagerating on behalf of Snowflake that whatever they say will be met by a wall of inaction?
Or have they tried something, only to be turned down, so now will not offer anything?
I can’t imagine why the school would be hesitating, except for the usual reasons (it’s difficult and costly to accomodate a child, especially when that child hasn’t been a model student, so that it seems you’re diverting money from “worthy” kids for a “not so worthy” one. The reasoning may sound crude when thus exposed, but really the reasoning does exist.)
There may be other reasons but I just can’t imagine what those are since the school really is legally at risk if the daughter has reached out and not been heard, if the parents have asked for accomodations and not been helped, then the child does anything while on school property or allegedly in relation with school work, classmates, teachers, or anything.
The school may be scared to death to do anything as lunjobes said, but if the school has been asked for accomodations (or something) and was told a meeting with all teachers had to be arranged then nothing was arranged, isn’t the school at fault?
Based on what the father said about his daughter’s current state, she isn’t in a state that allows her to attend school, process classes, or learn. So the priority should be to help her. The teachers may well be dubious about claims if there’s no support from the guidance counselor and the administration, that’s why a 504 or an IEP may help; perhaps time should be provided to allow the daughter to recuperate, either at a youth facility, a private treatment center, or at home (although it sounds like leaving home would help), cancelling out her present grades since they reflect her illness not her “healthy” self, and to provide some support&accomodations. </p>
<p>OP, I understand that you and your daughter’s mother are divorced or fairly recently separated. Given your daughter’s crisis, do you think it might be better for her to live with you for a while? I understand that your family life is personal, but a crisis is a crisis, and rather than ill-advisedly going to college to get away from an environment that’s hurting her and potentially creating many new problems, perhaps a temporary change of venue for her might help.</p>
<p>I talked to D and GC today evening. Here’s what I have gathered regarding the school situation: in December, D was feeling the weight of her depression start to cripple her from doing well. She asked her therapist what she should do, and her therapist wrote her a letter regarding her depression and anxiety, addressing it to the school. D took this letter and told the GC she would give it to the teachers and talk to them about it. The GC said that he thought it would be best if he talked to the teachers about it first. I know she visited him every morning to check up.</p>
<p>Flash forward to the second week of February, and the GC has finally emailed out the letter. The teachers are not willing to make the accommodations, citing the letter as being from a “random therapist,” and that the depression has come “out of the blue.” I’m not exactly sure what the GC’s email said, but he told her that they sounded unwilling to comply and apply the letter to her 7th semester grades. The colleges are, at this point, asking for mid-year reports, which are very messy. I don’t know what correspondence the GC had with the teachers, but he told her they probably wouldn’t make the changes. They seemed fairly pissed off at DD.</p>
<p>She’s been trying to tell him about the issues at home and her own depression, but he’s been taking it with a grain of salt, telling her that she needs to be happier and more confident. Apparently, acc. to the GC, she even told him that she was cutting, and that this entire exchange was really worrying her and exacerbating her anxiety. I can’t believe that the GC didn’t take any actions - this was back in January! We weren’t even informed as parents, and the clear symptoms of clinical depression didn’t become obvious until around February, and are especially apparent now. It’s been over a month since the semester ended</p>
<p>Last time we gave her more intensive therapy, laid off on her, and told her to just try to take a deep breath; we could worry about retaking any classes over the summer (and we did retake 2, both of which she received As in.) Summer came around and she was focusing on relaxing and doing what she liked, finishing up the coursework at a slower pace, and we incorporated a few college visits into a 2 week-long SoCal extravaganza. When senior year came, she hit the ground running, trying to keep a balance, focusing on college essays (which she was so excited for, as a huge writer), and around that time, I started this thread, looking for college ideas. </p>
<p>We’ve dipped back lower than last spring, and I don’t mind her taking a gap year, but I also want her to be happy, and she is happy when she’s at school, seeing the friends she loves, running the organization she loves. She can’t find the energy to focus on her work, and when she comes home she’s a wreck, yet when she’s outside with her friends, she’s happy as a camper. Is this selective depression, or is she just experiencing a series of highs and lows? The contrast I see between her teaching a class to 50 students vs coming home and lying in a corner, motionless is worrisome and confusing. I haven’t seen her do work in a month, but when I talk to her about it, she cries and says that “It’ll work out” and “I just need someone to make the teacher understand.” I even told her today that she can take the gap year and take a break, go to therapy, etc., but she told me that more or less that she’s “made it this far. I just need the teachers to understand. I want to do the work, but I need to close my eyes for a second without feeling like these grades are going to haunt me. I’ll feel better in a month; I just need to make up all the missing work, get on medication, see [the therapist] more, and get back on track. I want to graduate in June and have fun in June.”</p>
<p>@MYOS1634 W is worried that anything about a “official” 504 Plan or an IEP will hinder her record when getting into schools and applying for jobs. Not sure about the validity of what she’s saying, but her sister does work with Special Ed children, and those are her thoughts.</p>
<p>Fightingirishdad - your DD’s mental health and healing have to be your first priority. Hugs as your DD, your family and you go through this painful time.</p>
<p>I understand the issues with the school, as I have walked that walk. DD had an creeping up anxiety disorder that blew up into anxiety and major depression middle of HS junior year. Pediatrician tried a few medications, then we had to jump into really good therapy - via a friend’s recommendation, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Board Certified Pediatric/Adult Psychiatrist. DD’s depression was visibly apparent during those critical months. </p>
<p>We had family history of depression, and something similar happened to my sister in HS. As a R.N. that has worked in adult and adolescent psychiatric facilities, my radar was up big time as to helping DD get out of the major depression.</p>
<p>LPC had to cancel one session (during the critical time, DD’s lifeline was her therapy time), and DD confided to me that evening during a walk together that since 3rd grade, maybe one day a year she had suicidal thoughts. At that snapshot in time, she was having daily suicidal thoughts (she had not revealed this to the LPC, but I let the LPC know along with my DD). DD got through that critical period - Psychiatrist changed up meds and dosages along the way.</p>
<p>I kept the Asst Principal well informed (she helped coordinate with these kind of issues). After the confiding about daily suicide thoughts, I showed up at the school and asked who was available for me to talk to, and I talked to an administrator who works part-time but has excellent experience, knowledge, and empathy - I had to convey how serious this situation was so he could alert GC, Asst Principal, Principal. LPC wrote a detailed letter to the school and after weeks of school delaying, LPC and I met with Principal, Asst Principal, and GC. DD’s illness affected DD’s language abilities, so grades suffered with AP English and German II the most. GC even though a ‘licensed counselor’ and the Asst Principal did not ‘get it’ with the severity of the illness. They said dumb things like “we lined up after school tutoring and DD didn’t show” - when DD had barely enough mental energy to be in school - she would come home and drop into bed for a very long nap. Principal deferred to those two during the meeting. DH and I go way back with Principal, so DH talked, met one-on-one with him, and also emailed him later. We did not give up with good reason on our side regarding the accommodation that should have been granted. Even with the illness, DD had two great musical achievements around this critical time. </p>
<p>Got through the semester (and even got an award on the National German Exam) but was unable to take two missed German quizzes - I asked that the zeros be dropped so it would not harm her grade so severely as an accommodation (during first semester of senior year, the Principal finally got the German teacher to agree to drop these zeros). DD could not write a great paper for AP English, and LPC said DD needed a break over the summer, so we let that grade sit.</p>
<p>Fortunately the school hired a second GC that was in charge of seniors and that was happily our GC.</p>
<p>Often depressed people do blame others for their depression. My sister blamed my parents. Sister was able to get healthy and get off meds too (longer period to get well because meds were not as good and more stumbling around on how to handle). My DD thought that if she was away from home, the depression would go away. Over that summer break, she went to three different week long activities away from home. DD realized that it was not home, it was something she had to work through.</p>
<p>During senior year, was doing better. Finally did not need LPC second semester senior year. Summer after graduation, Psychiatrist moved away, so got a Psychiatrist (same board certifications) in college town. New Psychiatrist was impressed with DD and had DD taper off meds and has been off meds over a year and doing well.</p>
<p>Perhaps you and W can go to counseling so that the family issues do not affect your DD’s health. Perhaps also family counseling after your DD is over this critical ill period.</p>
<p>You absolutely need to get all the resources lined up to get your DD with the right kind of treatment - talk therapy and meds. Support group?</p>
<p>Is there any way to have incompletes on current assignment and stop out due to illness? After you get your DD healthier, you can focus on getting accommodations and rework on the grades. You need a period of time for your DD to get on the right treatment path.</p>
<p>I feel blessed that my DD had her illness show up when she was in HS and under my watchful eyes. With some students getting sick during college, it becomes a trickier thing.</p>
<p>Depression can be very dangerous. Please keep working towards helping her get the help she needs.</p>
<p>DD needs lots of TLC and for dad to be her champion and support. Hopefully her mom can be a more calming influence. I know it meant a lot to my DD when I said I was sorry she was in so much pain, and we would do whatever was necessary to help her get through such a critical time. I was very frightened - scared about my DD’s dangerous health situation. Keep your radar up and protection up for her.</p>
<p>See, Dad, SOS got a psychiatrist involved, started meds then saw a change recommended, advocated directly with the school and players on an ongoing basis, on her D’s behalf.</p>
<p>Each time you describe more, it becomes even more troublesome. Both the symptoms and the delay in taking action. </p>
<p>If your D seems happy at school, is able to take on a club responsibility, that may be the primary view her teachers and admins get. She can’t, in the midst of this emotional struggle, take sole charge of communicating her distress to them; it needs an advocate and the first is usually the parents. The parents take the reins. Not the GC. Yes, he could have this and could have that. </p>
<p>Many depressed people are able to hide it, as needed, in public or with friends or coworkers. When the lows are as bad as you describe (and you do worry us,) rather than take a long view, you face them, face them squarely, no excuses, no diversions. No stopping to ponder, no waiting for another party to do his part. You save her. </p>
<p>That becomes your mission. </p>
<p>Dad,
Here is my opinion…FOR NOW…FORGET about graduation, FORGET about the high school, FORGET about college. Get the help your daughter needs to move on in life without hurting herself. </p>
<p>My opinion, you are wishing this away, hoping it doesn’t exist, and hoping others like the school will solve this issue. Your daughter (from what you have posted here) needs some serious help for qualified mental health professionals, and she needs it NOW.</p>
<p>School issues can be resolved later. Her mental health situation needs to be addressed more significantly NOW. NOW. </p>
<p>What are you waiting for? A 504 or IEP in the schools like a band aid to me for a very serious situation. You have posted on this forum about very serious issues with this young lady for well over a year. VERY serious issues. Each time, you come back with a “she is OK…BUT” post.</p>
<p>She is NOT OK. And she has the potential to hurt herself, again. </p>
<p>GET HER HELP. And I don’t mean a 504 or IEP. I am not a therapist, but if this were my kid, I would be looking at therapeutic treatment programs (btw, some do include school).</p>
<p>I can see where you are conflicted Dad. Your daughter’s main source of happiness is school with her friends and her leadership positions and you want to salvage this. You think that by going away to school, she can thrive because that’s where her focus will be and she won’t have to worry about home troubles. I’m not sure your daughter can compartmentalize her life such that she can focus on the happy things and forget about the sad. Just because she is physically away from home doesn’t mean that she can escape the emotional pain that she has suffered. She needs to confront her issues so that she can become a whole person. </p>
<p>Sounds like you and your daughter are just hanging on trying to salvage the little good that is left. The way I see it though, nothing is going right. I think it is time to cut your losses and make some drastic changes.</p>