<p>My situation might be beyond the scope of this forum. If it is, I apologize in advance. As briefly as I can describe it, my 17-year-old daughter was adopted as a foundling infant. As such, I have no idea of her genetic heritage which might predispose her to depression. She is in a rigorous private prep school that I can scarcely afford. Last year, during the Spring semester of her junior year, she got so caught up in her performing arts activities that she neglected to turn in her homework. Her gpa slid to 3.2. This year, she stopped doing her homework and was forced to drop three of her seven courses. She has so many supports in place, a psychologist who she meets with twice each week, a psychopharmacologist etc. She's not showing the maturity that allows me to feel comfortable sending her off to college. I expect her gpa to be, at best, around 3.0 by the time she graduates. I'm wondering what our next steps should be. She will have a high school diploma from one of the best schools in the country but with a low gpa. Should she apply to nearby schools with the low gpa? I doubt that she would be admitted to those she likes. Should she take a gap year and take a couple of courses at a less rigorous 4-year school or community college to prove that she can do college level work while working or doing a second internship? I would like to hear from anyone who has a clue as to how I should proceed. The comments of adoptive parents who have dealt will school refusal, separation anxiety/depression, or whatever this self-defeating behavior should be called, would be especially welcome. My husband is so stressed over this that I am afraid that he is on the verge of a second heartache. I apologize for the length and complexity of this post.</p>
<p>There are a lot of colleges and universities out there that take B students. You ask, “Should she apply to nearby students with the low GPA?” It sounds like a nearby college might be best for your family. Your idea of what a low GPA is perhaps is influenced by the other students in her top high school. There is a huge thread that a parent posted looking for colleges for the son, a Jewish B student – perhaps not your demographic but there was many good schools referenced in that thread.
<a href=“Colleges for the Jewish "B" student (Part 1) - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/931514-colleges-for-the-jewish-b-student-p1.html</a></p>
<p>It would seem to me that you’d be best suited by meeting with the psychologist and other members of her treatment team who know your daughter best.</p>
<p>It also strikes me that there seems to be a lot of focus on her adoption. If she was adopted as an infant, well, then, she’s been “yours” for 17 years, so I don’t know what the real relevance of her adoptive status is at this point. Whether she has a genetic heritage that predisposes her to depression, or she doesn’t, is irrelevant - if she’s depressed, then that’s what it is. </p>
<p>Let me ask you another question. What if your daughter is “just” a B/ 3.0 student? Does that represent disappointment / failure for your family? </p>
<p>If your child goes to one of the best private schools in the country, this school should also have excellent guidance counselors who might be able to help out. I’m sure your daughter is not the first who has graduated with a B average, and needs advice about college choices.</p>
<p>Agree that you should put the adoptive issue to the side. Love the kid on the couch, it doesn’t matter where she came from. If you and/or your H make this a central point of her issues, it certainly seems to me it could make them worse, not better. If it increases her sense of not belonging in your family or being “different” from her other family members, that is not going to increase her trust in you as parents.</p>
<p>What does she want to do? Does she have a specific idea what she wants to study in college?</p>
<p>Options I can see include:</p>
<ul>
<li>Have her apply to four year colleges where she would not live at home that are in the range for her test scores and stats. Trust me, there are colleges out there for her, and places where she could likely be happy and thrive.<br></li>
<li>Have her apply to four year colleges within commuting distance from your house, and have her live at home for a year or two.</li>
<li>Have her attend community college for two years, with the idea of transferring to a 4 year school at the end of that time.</li>
<li>Take a gap year with any of these options to follow. She could live and work at home, or try something that has a travel option involved.</li>
</ul>
<p>One more comment on this, maybe part of the issue is being at “one of the best schools in the country” is part of the problem. She might do better in a lower stress environment (which the type of college she would probably be accepted to could be, or a CC could be). </p>
<p>Thank you, CheddarcheeseMN. I read the thread about Jewish B students but my sense was that the other students had GPAs higher than 3.5. Pizzagirl, there are documented attachment issues with children who were abandoned as infants. On a more cognitive level, our daughter is left to wonder why she was discarded on a street. We adopted her from an orphanage when she was 16 months old. She was given a course of antidepressants as an adjunct to her talk therapy and it had a paradoxical effect, e.g., she became worse. Our daughter’s GPA doesn’t represent a narcissistic injury to anyone in our family. I just want to help her and keep her safe. I want to get her on solid ground as soon as possible. Although she isn’t aware of it, my own health is failing and my time with her is limited.</p>
<p>Thanks for your good ideas, intparent. One of the reasons that adoption issues cannot be easily ignored in our case is that our daughter is transracially adopted.</p>
<p>Thanks, thumper1. The guidance counselors are at a loss because of her fairly rapid downward spiral. I guess I was trying to see if there was any parents out there who had dealt with or knew about a kid who demonstrated a slide in gpa and see what avenues worked for them.</p>
<p>What I should have noted in my original post is that we cannot afford to send our daughter to a private college without a scholarship and we’ve been told by her school that the large public ones would be a challenge because of her ADHD.</p>
<p>I am not saying to ignore it or pretend she isn’t adopted… but I am not sure blaming it for her issues is going to be much help. You are where you are. I’d stop looking backward to her origin story, and figure out how to move forward now with her. You mentioned she stopped doing homework due to a focus on performing arts. Does she have a talent and/or strong interest in working in that field? Are you and your H supportive of this idea?</p>
<p>If she were a B student all along, then I’d suggest finding a school that matched her stats. But here, we’re seeing a sudden drop in grades. It doesn’t sound to me like she is ready to go off to a four year college at this point, until she can settle down.</p>
<p>What does she want? </p>
<p>In general we would be supportive of her continuing her education in choreography or symphonic music, her performing arts interests. Our daughter is also interested in the hard sciences and math. Unfortunately, she was forced to drop her favorite course, advanced topics in chemistry, because she missed so many labs. Like many kids her age, her interests and abilities are all over the map!</p>
<p>Sounds to me like the “rigorous private prep school that [you] can scarcely afford” is a bad fit. Is she still on track to graduate in the spring even after having to drop 3 out of 7 courses? If so, it might be best to plan for a minimal schedule and let her finish – but if not, she might do better to transfer to a less rigorous public school to finish out the year. </p>
<p>I’d add that a 3.2 is not a “low” GPA ---- it is a middling GPA, Not going to get her into elite schools, but she’s still got excellent chances at hundreds of colleges. </p>
<p>From another thread, it appears that you are a NY resident. If so, the SUNY’s are a respectable and acceptable option for college. If your daughter wants to pursue her interest in performing arts in college, she might want to explore the offerings of SUNY Purchase. </p>
<p>I agree with the others that the adoption issue makes no difference-- she is your daughter, raised by you, and you need to focus on her needs, not dwell on things that cannot be changed. Yes, the issues you pointed out may have a psychological impact – but that is not something that impacts the academic issues. She is a 17 year old going through some difficult times – that’s not unusual. </p>
<p>You’ve asked for advice, but you haven’t posted anything about what your daughter wants to do-- her own hopes, goals, and aspirations need to be the starting point of the conversation. </p>
<p>I wonder if a grade 13 program might work for her. </p>
<p>Cardinal Fang, she says that she wants to go away to college but to a college not far from home. After what I’ve recently seen, I’m not sure that she is ready to negotiate lively on her own. As you probably know, all kids with ADHD have executive function problems and that might be a good part of what we are seeing. </p>
<p>Thank you, calmom. We had been thinking about SUNY New Paltz which is about 2 1/2 hours away from where we live because it has a balanced curriculum that could help her hone her interests but at this point we’re concerned that even if she could still get in there, her poor planning skills might interfere with her taking good advantage of the program. Purchase is easier to get into but it would still involve living away from home. Cardinal Fang, what is a grade 13 program?</p>
<p>There are schools with excellent support programs for students. You mention ADHD. This can really impact kids…and for some it is as they get older and can no longer compensate easily. ADHD impacts lots of things…memory, organization, overall learning, social skills…lots of things. </p>
<p>I don’t know where you live, but would Mitchell College be an option? It has excellent support programs for students with disabilities.</p>
<p>Does your daughter current,y have accommodations at school related to her ADHD? Has she ever been evaluated for learning issues? This might be something to consider as well.</p>
<p>Thanks, thumper1. I haven’t heard of Mitchell College but, thanks, I’ll check it out. My daughter has complete neuropsych evals every 2-3 years. She does have executive function (planning) difficulties but that goes along with her ADHD. Her IQ consistently tests in the 99th percentile.</p>
<p>Woooooh slow down here. </p>
<p>A solid B average at “one of the best schools in the country”, a boarding school, probably puts her in the top half of her boarding school class. These schools have no grade inflation, and a B is a very good grade. It is not like a public high school where As are expected, and GPAs are not weighted. She’s already in the top couple of percent of kids in the country to have gotten in to that school.</p>
<p>Many kids need to cut back on classes senior fall to allow for ECs (she is busy in drama) and college apps. Maybe she had just bit off too much to handle, and dropping down from 7 classes sounds very realistic. Senior fall is stressful even for the most even-keeled, and kids usually have enough credits to let up a little for a term.</p>
<p>Suggest you speak with her college counselor to get an idea of appropriate safety, reach and match schools, you’ve probably received a list already. Is she planning on pursuing theatre?</p>
<p>Then take a chill pill. You obviously have a very bright and successful child, who has received good support from counseling, doctor and college team, and is doing her very best. She does not need crazed parents “ready to have another heart attack” right now. She will figure out colleges she wants to go to, if she wants a gap year once she is admitted to same - and you have to figure out cost/budget and support her along the way. You haven’t talked about colleges she’s interested in at all, just her GPA which is actually JUST FINE</p>
<p>I’m sorry if I’m missing something, but this is a student with a B average. What is so terrible about a 3.0, especially at a rigorous private school? It’s not Harvard material, sure, but it doesn’t suggest major learning difficulties. SUNY New Paltz seems very achievable and it’s a very attractive campus with a vibrant cultural life. </p>
<p>From what the OP has posted, I don’t see any “implosion” at all. It’s all about the framing and expectations.</p>
<p>“One of the reasons that adoption issues cannot be easily ignored in our case is that our daughter is transracially adopted.”</p>
<p>Forgive me here, but I’m still not seeing how that is relevant to the situation at hand. The issues you’re reporting don’t seem to be related to any issue processing or coming to grips with the fact that you / daughter are of different races. </p>