Advice for a concerned dad? (College ideas)

Parents Forum
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<p>I sincerely second what Thumper and Sally are saying. For many kids who have had a rocky spell, we advocate close to home, easily reachable, if needed. (We’ve been there. And, had times when D2 needed to come home for a breather.) </p>

<p>The hard part for all of us is our hopes for them, our pride at their strengths and triumphs, seeing what they “want,” but still taking the parent view. I don’t know that Dad is trying to force fit her upwards, but maybe that is what the D wants and Dad sees how much she wants it. Sometimes, the parents have to filter the kid’s hopes, think and analyze in ways our kids can’t, at this point. That’s a job, in itself.</p>

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<p>From the 2008-2009 UC Statfinder information before it disappeared, 4.2+ UC admissions GPA and 2100+ SAT scores meant good, but not certain, chance of admission to Berkeley and UCLA (which is probably what most would assess as “match”, not “reach”). Of course, if 4.2+ is a high school weighted GPA that is more inflated than UC admissions GPA, then that would not apply.</p>

<p>However, because of essays and holistic review (described in <a href=“http://academic-senate.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/committees/aepe/hout_report_0.pdf[/url]”>http://academic-senate.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/committees/aepe/hout_report_0.pdf&lt;/a&gt; ), UCs generally cannot be counted on as 100% safeties individually (except perhaps Merced if the student qualifies for top 9% statewide or ELC), though if a student with those stats applies to several of those which should be 90+% low matches (Davis, Irvine, Santa Barbara, Santa Cruz, Riverside), the chance of being shut out is very very small unless there is a glaring defect in the application that all of them would notice and care about.</p>

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<p>It is the uc gpa that I am alluding to. Agree on other uc’s being safeties. Problem is that my child does not want to go to any of the other uc’s as she does not think that there is a fit. So if not UcB,ucla then it is oos or private for us. She is applying as a backup. My older one went through this process a while ago. UCR called him and gave himradmission even though she he did not apply there. I think they did that to attract students who did not get into UcB or ucla</p>

<p>Someone had asked a q - is it better to get an a in a lower ranked school or a b in a higher ranked school. Just based on the uc experience (quotas), I would say the former. I paid top $$ to buy a house in a very good school district ( uber competitive). I think in the end we might have been better served if we had not moved. With the same grades/sat scores from our old school d might have been a shoo into UcB or ucla</p>

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<p>One more thing. I was speaking to a friend who reads for ucla. Holistic reviews are primarily used for tie breakers. Grades and sat scores are apparently the 2 most important parameters they use</p>

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<p>You may be misinterpreting the ELC as a quota per high school. Qualifying for ELC (UC admissions GPA in the historic top 9% at the high school) simply means that the student will be offered a place in a UC if not admitted to his/her choice of UC applied to, and there is space available (in practice, that probably means Merced now).</p>

<p>What does she think fits at Berkeley and UCLA but not at other UCs?</p>

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<p>there is a max number of kids that they will take from any one school (I though quotas were illegal</p>

<p>I don’t know if the UCs have a max number “per school” or not, but “quotas” has to do with race/ethnic group quotas (such as: must have X% of Hispanics or Y% of AA’s.)</p>

<p>I can see that the top UCs may have some kind of internal guideline against accepting too many students from one particular school. The purpose of a state school is to educate students from the state, not just students from a few top schools.</p>

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<p>Nope - not talking about ELC but what mom2collegekids is alluding to. Call it internal guideline or other term - this is no different from quotas in my mind. Why would you prefer to give admission to a kid with lower scores, gpa etc just because they come from a different school. We are from the same state and pay the same taxes. </p>

<p>I am trying to be euphemistic about the “not a correct fit” part. Kids are so driven by reputation and peer pressure. UCB and UCLA are considered on par with the Michigans/UVAs/Northwesterns of the world. Not the other UCs. While I would like to keep her in CA (and not to talk about minimizing the expenses) - I would rather go where she really wants to (a private school in the east) - hopefully she will get in</p>

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<p>Ok…so it sounds from this thread that family therapy somehow revealed that the mom wasn’t willing to stop using inappropriate words to the D, so you were advised to separate. Does your wife still have access to your D or is there only supervised visits (to prevent her from saying inappropriate things).</p>

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<p>*Nope - not talking about ELC but what mom2collegekids is alluding to. Call it internal guideline or other term - this is no different from quotas in my mind. Why would you prefer to give admission to a kid with lower scores, gpa etc just because they come from a different school. We are from the same state and pay the same taxes. *</p>

<p>It doesn’t work that way since every school district isn’t equal in quality. that’s one reason why the UCs (and CSU) heavily weight GPA over test scores. If test scores were given equal or greater footing, then mostly all the kids would be from the very best school districts.</p>

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<p>We visited a few of the schools mentioned in that previous thread, some of which D really liked (St. Olaf, Lawrence) and some of which she didn’t. Over the summer, we visited schools like UCI, UCSB, USC, Claremonts, and then flew up and saw Barnard. I did talk to the counseling departments briefly, after the tour for all these schools, and, aside from the UCs, they seemed have great support resources and the kind of place I feel comfortable sending D to - great academics, but with a non-competitive environment and real feeling of community and sisterhood (esp. for Barnard and Scripps.) The only downside for Barnard was the urban environment. Schools like ND are there because D wants to apply to them, although I almost certainly wouldn’t send her. I think she would do best in a women’s LAC that was near other co-ed schools so it wasn’t a completely isolated female environment. If she got into UCB (which she won’t, of course), I honestly wouldn’t send her at this stage. She loved SB, but I’d have to take a second look if she got in.</p>

<p>We created a great plan that if in March she feels she wants to, she can tell her friends she got into some major reach school, but she’s turning it down for a scholarship elsewhere. Hopefully that eliminates any worries about what her peers think :)</p>

<p>Edit: @mom Her mother still visits. She’s almost a different person! I think seeing D only every now and then has reminded her how important it is to be a loving and caring parent, and watch her words.</p>

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<p>We created a great plan that if in March she feels she wants to, she can tell her friends she got into some major reach school, but she’s turning it down for a scholarship elsewhere. Hopefully that eliminates any worries about what her peers think</p>

<p>the beauty of May decisions is that it’s towards the end of senior year, and then soon…poof…everyone graduates and goes their merry way. Within a short time your D will be starting her new adventure with new friends at her new school.</p>

<p>Wherever she lands, encourage her to participate in any early Week of Welcome or camps that are offered to incoming frosh. She’ll make new friends and have a better time adjusting.</p>

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<p>So glad she liked these two. There’s a lot to be said for the Midwestern lack of pretension, especially after coming from such a high-pressure environment as the one you live in. And the prospect of merit aid would definitely be enticing. She can always go for the “big-name” grad school later.</p>

<p>Both St. Olaf and Lawrence are excellent schools academically and would prepare your daughter for whatever she wanted to do after college. I am very familiar with both of them. The kids (all male) I know at both are smart, ambitious and worldly, yet completely down to earth–just the kind of young men I would want my daughter to have as classmates. One is also a serious musician who chose the dual-degree program at Lawrence so he could combine conservatory-level training with other areas of study.</p>

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<p>I wonder what URoch would do? It’s small, has excellent music and other programs. It is very well respected.</p>

<p>I’ve forgotten what the student’s major/career interests are.</p>

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<p>Scripps sounds perfect. My D2 is at one of the other Claremont colleges, and they do mix across campuses quite a bit. Good luck to her!</p>

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<p>Hollins has strong English and Psych departments and is likely a safety. Supportive women’s college, beautiful campus.</p>

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<p>We had only one criteria for college selection. The school had to be within a 3 hour drive of our house, or within an hour of a relative or close family friend. We wanted to be certain that a trusted adult could be with our kids in the event of any emergency. We refused to bend on this criteria. We have a fairly large family and they are all over the country. Our kids understood this criteria. One went to college 2 hours away, and the other across the country but in the same town as a very close friend, and also close to some relatives.</p>

<p>I should add, we really didn’t have any concerns about our kids.</p>

<p>Our daughter had a medical emergency the second week of winter quarter her senior year of college…thank goodness both the relative and the friend were there. There was NO WAY for me to get across the country for emergency surgery. But THEY were both able to be with our daughter (DD listed them as well as us on the privacy forms…thank goodness).</p>

<p>Yes…we wanted our kids to fly. But we also felt very strongly about having a safety net…just in case.</p>

<p>I would suggest the same for the OP to this thread.</p>

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<p>FID,
I haven’t read all of the posts, but I remember your other threads.
I would guess that UCM, UCR are safeties, UCSC is match, UCSB is a low reach.
It seems that UCs take into account “class rank” somehow. Since your D seems to go to a high achieving school, this would actually make it more difficult to get to more selective UCs since her “rank” is lower. I don’t know this for sure, but my S has similar stats, and this is what I am predicting for my S.
I would exclude any essays about depression and psychosis. The GC can shed some light about her friend’s suicide in a 1 or 2 sentence FYI. I’m sure that she can write a few different essays about what makes her awesome and shed some light on her personality.</p>

<p>For privates close to home, consider Santa Clara Univ and Univ of SF. In So Cal, consider Scripps, Pitzer and Chapman.</p>

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<p>Barnard is actually a good way to get a LAC without the common LAC limitations in upper division course offerings, because Columbia is right next door with cross registration access. (Many other LACs have cross registration with research universities, but often require commuting, and may have other logistical problems like different academic calendars.)</p>

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<p>I stopped reading on page 5 when you asked for suggestions - just skimmed the last 2 pages – so apologies if this school has been mentioned already, but aside from BMC and Smith, which I agree with other posters seem perfect for your D, Vassar kept occurring to me each time you described her. The students we know there are SO happy, so relaxed, so in love with their school, the music offerings are strong, campus culture is really wonderful and the entire experience just seems supportive, nurturing and remarkably stress free. The students we know who were accepted to Vassar were mostly less qualified overall ( GPA, ACT and her strongest EC’s) than your D. I guess the distance from you and home is the downside, as with all East Coast colleges, so that’s a judgment call for you. I have 2 D’s in different stages of college admissions right now and having done numerous campus visits, we agree that there is definitely something special about the women’s colleges (although Wellesley is more of a pressure cooker it seems) and Vassar has this quality as well…
Anyway good luck to you both. I’m sure that with all this research you will make an informed decision from your head and heart. What a great dad you are!</p>

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<p>OP- I remember your earlier thread and I’m glad your D is getting healthy.</p>

<p>I think you need to take a step back. While I think that Barnard and many of the other East Coast schools that were suggested might be fantastic environments for your daughter- intellectually, socially, etc, I think you’ve got a bit of reality check to manage.</p>

<p>Yes, your D could end up in a great place emotionally next August, and be ready to jump on the plane and go. You’ll see her at Xmas and she’ll be bubbling over with excitement over her classes, her friends, hearing great chamber music with student passes at Lincoln Center, etc.</p>

<p>Or- you could be like other people coming out of an experience like your D’s, and be casting around for Plan B- i.e. deferring at Barnard, figuring out if your D can take a community college course or two without putting her Freshman status at risk, living at home while folding sweaters at the Gap and managing to stay healthy while still working through some of her medical issues.</p>

<p>I don’t know you, but I say this as someone who has seen a lot of these “senior year miracle recoveries”. Take it slow. Make sure you have a viable local option, prestige be damned; 3,000 miles is a lot of miles for a kid who has suffered from a serious depressive (and debilitating) illness; it’s fantastic that your D is so smart and ambitious but trust me- her ACT scores mean nothing if she has to take a medical withdrawal mid-semester and you haven’t thought through a good back up plan.</p>

<p>I know kids who have had recurrences of eating disorders which the parents and therapist thought were well under control; I know kids who have had concerned roommates calling the parents at 3 am to wonder, “do we call 911 or just get a taxi and take her to an ER ourselves? She hasn’t been out of bed in three days and we’ve just realized it’s not the flu”.</p>

<p>Your D will be living with a group of people in a dorm, some of whom will be the most kind-hearted and caring people she could ever meet. And some may be self absorbed or have mental health issues of their own, or just naive and not savvy enough to recognize early signs of a recurrence of depression.</p>

<p>Do you really want your D 3,000 miles away, and you relying on a bunch of 18 year olds to get her help when/if she needs it? Do you really want to assume that the 20 year old RA has enough training to know when something’s off- especially since she’ll have only known your D for a few weeks when the first heavy duty pressure of mid-terms rolls around? The people your D will be living with won’t know what to look for and even the nicest and most well intended group of teenagers have their own issues and stressors and lives to deal with.</p>

<p>I don’t want to scare you. But take some time to consider if you want to really double down on close to home options- so you can check in every other week with a quick Sunday brunch, or do the drive on a Tuesday night for supper if your D sounds “off” on the phone.</p>

<p>Sure- keep one or two East Coast options on the list. But to put so much attention on these far away colleges seems to keep reinforcing the message to your D that what really matters is the “awe” factor of the college, and not whether it’s a safe and realistic choice for her right now. You’ve all backed away from the “you must be perfect” ledge… but if you’re replacing it with a subtle message that the main event is a Top 50 (your terminology) college on the East coast, I think you’re playing with fire.</p>

<p>Hugs to you. This isn’t easy but please- be your D’s advocate right now.</p>