<p>I’m not saying any of the following in defense: I honestly have nothing against having her take a gap year, or transfer from a CC, but I see what being here, around her mother, does to her. That’s her therapist’s main concern as well; W does everything in the name of being “supportive,” but it’s not giving D the space she needs to take a deep breath and sort out everything. It’s jumping on her throat about every missing assignment (as of late), and I’m not around as often. I really don’t know what to do.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your wise words. I suppose at this point all I can do is take her to her therapist, try to get the medication sorted, and assure her that I love her, regardless of what college she goes to, contrary to W’s constant ranting. The rest of the stress stems from her high-achieving friends and acquaintances will think of her, her mother, and her intense hatred of herself. I can’t say I even really understand depression or anxiety, from where I stand; I don’t know how to fix it, and get her functional again.</p>
<p>We’ve investigated and applied to many Calif privates. I would stay away from USC–very cliquey and emotional even for girls who are feeling strong (my daughter may apply there in 2 years, but she’s very confident and the family very strong). Think Univ of Redlands or St. Mary’s (in the SF Bay Area) or Whittier, a little lower in peer pressure than UCLA and the like. I have heard “nice” things about Williamette and Univ of Portland (both private) in Oregon–and they are also “reachable” in distance. Kind schools. I don’t think Claremont McKenna would be for her–I don’t think they excuse the lapse or lower GPA as much as some. Maybe Scripps would, though, but all female. Get her away from home, but not across the country–easy to say there are flights–but snow, rain, time changes, transportation issues to/from airports, mechanical delays, changes of planes, TSA. Maybe Texas–Dallas–thinking heavily that for my Calif son if we go out of state. Lots of nonstop flights, lots of airlines, only halfway across the country, and, frankly, drivable if you had to–25 hours with two people taking turns. If a real emergency (like 9/11) you can get there. With the tons of non stops, far more easy to say a flight is just 6 hours in total, etc.</p>
<p>Have you visited UOP? It is very close to home, and we really liked the campus when we visited. A girl I know had a great four years there, graduated with two majors and a minor, had a study abroad and many leadership opportunities as well. This is a smaller school and has many strong programs, plus close to home. Consider giving it a chance.</p>
<p>Me, too. Let’s add that, so often on CC, we see that a couple of hours is the same as being much further away. Parents don’t drop in all the time, the setting is different, the community isn’t your home neighborhood, the kid can choose not to answer that phone call at that moment. It’s only that, when the potential does exist that Dad may be needed in a flash, it’s do-able. There doesn’t have to be some false mystique about getting on a plane or needing some long road trip, for it to be “away.”</p>
<p>Hi everyone. So D didn’t have the greatest first semester due to her issues, and I wanted to talk to her teachers about it, but she got a note from her therapist in December about what she’s been going through, and told me her counselor has talked to all her teachers. Apparently, the counselor didn’t talk to the teachers until early February, and they thus aren’t complying to correct the mid-year grades. She wrote a letter that he could write in accompaniment to the mid-year grades, explaining that they are working towards being fixed, but this letter angered her teachers, and they are now infuriated with her and her counselor. They apparently don’t believe in the therapist’s letter, and are refusing to change the grades, since it’s been over a month.</p>
<p>D is a walking corpse, and I don’t know what to do! I had no idea this was going on! She told me it was taken care of. If they don’t listen to the therapist, I don’t know what to say: she’s been seriously ill for a few weeks, adding to her missing class; she’s been cutting more lately (she doesn’t want me to know, but I do); I haven’t seen her smile in over a month. The slightest word is making her cry. I’ve never seen her in a hole this bad, with so many missing assignments and teachers to their ends with her. What can I tell the teachers or tell her to tell the teachers to make them listen to her, and understand that she didn’t know she was “lying”, or whatever is infuriating them? I’ve had enough with the GC always making things more difficult for her. He doesn’t believe for a second that anything is actually wrong - every time she brings up depression, he starts talking about how he sits on the couch and eats potato chips sometimes because he feels purposeless. Meanwhile, D is ebbing in and out of “suicidal” territory, but he just won’t listen. He thinks she can just “feel better” and get over it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for the rant, but I am honestly at my wit’s end with this entire school and situation.</p>
<p>OP- hugs. I have no solutions for you but I do have a practical suggestion: rid your mind of any task or worry or activity not related to your D’s long term mental health. That means no more discussion about college;no more parsing distance to and from home; no more time getting aggravated with your D’s teachers.</p>
<p>You and your wife need to put your “walking corpse” at the top of your to-do list, right now. Don’t become one more person in your D’s life who is not taking her depression seriously. Don’t become one more person in your D’s life who is worrying about her grades.</p>
<p>You and your wife need to become a united front right now to help your D battle these demons. Spending time on this ancillary stuff is useless. When a patient has a gunshot wound and is taken to the ER, do the Doc’s take the time to explain to the patient that by the way, he could stand to lose 25 lbs and maybe he should consider reducing his cholesterol since his numbers are high???</p>
<p>You make it clear she needs to be within easily reachable distance. Crystal clear. </p>
<p>Ebbing in and out is not an “oh, well, bad day.” I am empathetic because D2 went through something parallel. But also direct because, as a parent, I have been there. You are now where the rubber hits the road- in fact, you have been, for some time. This is not as simple as how Mom acts or reacts. Focus on exactly how your D is operating. If you can, talk to the therapist. Take hold. Take action.</p>
<p>We had a similar issue with D2 in sr year, a few lousy grades, partly from her emotional tempest and partly from what mimicked mono, (but mono wasn’t confirmed by a lab test.) She was an ED admit and this was first semester grades. At one point was on some sort of probation requiring semi-monitored study periods- and she didn’t comply as intended. We relied on the GC to explain to college, plus D2’s contact. If the GC doesn’t give satisfaction, take it up the ladder. </p>
<p>Sorry, but you do seem confused. More keeps getting added to the picture and it’s more serious than the last. </p>
<p>ps. It took a good five years for D2 to get through this. A lousy therapist, a change to a great psychiatrist, meds, time, now a psychologist at school supplementing the home counseling. (Our family had a major slam over summer.) Take hold, take action. Best wishes, of course. But the thinking period is over. </p>
<p>It is clear to me that your daughter is screaming for help. Please give it to her. Take extreme measures if you have to…pull her out of school and worry about the consequences later. Anything, to give her the relief that she needs.</p>
<p>I think at some point you need to think of a mental/emotional illness the way you would a purely physical illness. If she were suffering from a serious concussion, Epstein-Barr, or uncontrolled diabetes how would you handle it?</p>
<p>I too would pull your daughter out of school and enroll her in a serious therapy program. I absolutely would go over the GC’s head BTW and complain to the principal, indicating that the GC’s lack of action put your daughter at risk (the principal will understand what that means for the school, himself, the GC, and the school district. If s/he doesn’t… you’ll have to spell it out: gross negligence toward a minor.) You can always ask for a deferral from the college(s) she’s admitted to “for health issues” -you don’t need to specify what type and they’re not allowed to ask.
The absolute emergency right now is to help her. (By right now, I mean it in the literal sense. Do not waste one more minute before calling your spouse and deciding on a united front strategy with immediate action.)
I am sorry to say that from experience, I know that even one weekend can make the difference.</p>
<p>It is a physical illness - an illness involving the brain. As its symptoms are expressed through behaviors, and can’t be picked up by blood tests, xrays, etc, people often don’t see it as a physical illness, but it is. </p>
<p>I agree that it’s a physical illness, but my experience is that like the OP’s daughter’s teachers and GC, some people assume that serious depression can be overcome with a little fresh air and a better attitude. No one would say that about diabetes or mono.</p>
<p>And the GC is’t a therapist. Perhaps she told him she has care and he simply meant to share his own out of it moments. At this point, I don’t know if what version comes from where and how accurate. I would have personally taken the therapist letter in, etc. Some remember this isn’t the D’s first ebb and flow. </p>
<p>Does your Dr have a psychiatrist. Go above your counselor. Get you D a 504 contract that specifies what accommodations your D needs for her illness. That might even be home hospital school where your D works from home with a teacher provided by the district. Have the MD write the request. It might how more weight with the school.
It appears very unlikely your D will be emotionally ready to go to school in the fall. I would focus on salvaging her HS record so that when she is ready to go she isn’t hindered by poor grades, that might mean taking a medical leave and finishing up over summer. Defer for a year and focus on healing your D. </p>
<p>Sue22, I agree totally. So many people blame external factors (especially the parents) for causing the child’s internal problems (and often making the parents feel totally guilty for what is happening to their child), instead of realizing that the internal problems are causing the behaviors.</p>
<p>If OP’s daughter isn’t improving under the care of the current therapist, I would suggest that she be seen by someone else. One frequently has to ‘try out’ many different mental health professionals until one finds the one who can give the correct diagnosis and then the correct treatment. Diagnosing is difficult - it’s not like looking at a lab report and seeing just what is wrong, and many people are given multiple incorrect diagnoses and treatments until they eventually find the right mental health professional who is able to help them.</p>