Advice needed: DD with severe anxiety headed to college

My DD who has struggled with anxiety since elementary school and depression since middle school is headed away to college. We found a small, community college that recently started offering a Bachelor’s program in her intended field of study. We visited a few weeks ago and she fell in love with the area and the campus. In one day we were able to tour, register for classes, meet with the wonderful Disability Services Counselor and find an off-campus apartment. Surprisingly, the DSPS counselor suggested my daughter may qualify for support with the Department of Rehab and so we are in the midst of filling out the paperwork to see if she qualifies.

My DH and I are thrilled that she is motivated to go away, but we are not under any illusion that it will be easy. I’d love to hear from parents of older kids who struggle with mental health on what their child’s journey has been like? What do you wish you knew? Advice for supporting her while at the same time allowing her room to grow is appreciated. If you have experience with the Dept. Of Rehab that would also be valuable. Thank you in advance.

The first thing: You daughter needs to stick with her comfort zone and take forays into college life. When I started, there were gatherings at the pool for locals. Each time I attended, I spoke to one person and if wildly brave, even a second student. I sat on the close edge and tried to look pleasant. I cant say I remembered or formed friendships then, but at least I was present and could watch. Afterwards, I went home and vomited and cried, but at least I was there. Fortunately, I was supported by high school classmates and others from sister schools.

Students often think of college as a time to re invent themselves. Anxiety does not work that way. It is an is that must be accommodated. I found sitting on the front edge of a classroom helpful in listening and learning, but placed few demands socially. I avoided loud places and cracking gum. If there were style points for an intense startle response, I would have earned olympic medals. People always responded sympathetically. I still remain committed to gagging.

Now, when I started college, the only medications were benzodiazepines. Even with good medication now, anxiety is always with me. Developing good coping and social skills, thanks to my wonderful mother, who got me through brownies and later.

Other things that helped me included volunteering in the back processing books to shelve and sell. Again, present but not outside comfort zone. I was a lector at church where I could hide behind a podium…actually did stand on a red stool. I love reading Scripture aloud. It also helped me do something public with people sho know text but dont listen closely. ah, the crock cowed thrice and announcing couples whose funerals were held th prior seek.

So, be you, find where you an be comfortable, avoid what is unpleasant, learn deep breathing and personal calming strategies, take medication exactly as prescribed. Remember, you wouldnt walk in dark alleys at night. Exactly why should you live out you personal njghtmare?

I dont need to disclose often. People have asked me if I thought they didnt notice anxiety. Other idess…if you love theater find your best seating and stick to it. You can go many places and do many things when you have established your personal zone. Dont isolate yourself, but not feel required to do what you dont enjoy.

I am not anxiety on hoof. My life is clearly different from what others prefer, but it is my life on my terms.

Oh, watch verbal tics such as automatic apologizing.

Thank you so much for your personal and well thought out advice. I will share it with her. She has been away for 2 weeks now, had one week of classes and is doing well. She’s made a couple of friends and is enjoying her classes. Like you she does not enjoy loud or crowded places, but the community she moved to is rural and most places are not crowded.

@rdslp, I saw this older post and am wondering how your D18 is doing? Well, I hope! Seems like we both have a 2018 grad and a a 2020 grad.

@pickledginger- Thank you so much for asking! Overall, she had a great first semester. She learned to cook for herself, navigate the bus to take to school, manage her medications, and even made Dean’s list! We are so proud of her. She continues to struggle with anxiety and depression and the transition from pediatric to adult services in our managed care health insurance hasn’t been easy. It’s more difficult getting appointments, appointments are only booked 30 days in advance, making them difficult to schedule around her school schedule.

The transition back this semester has been rougher. When her anxiety ramps up, she has a lot of somatic complaints and convinces herself something is physically wrong. It’s tough. She wants to talk everyday, and as a mom it’s difficult to hear when your child is unhappy and not feeling well. Thank goodness for DH.

We told ourselves when this journey started that we would celebrate the steps forward and not focus on the bumps in the road. A year ago, she was too anxious to stay home alone by herself, now she is living on her own. I call that a victory.

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My D is a second semester freshman too, and she calls twice a day. It’s sad for me because I had so much fun as a freshman, and I wished that for her, but just getting through seems to be a goal far enough. So we don’t pressure her to “have fun”, per se, but we do encourage her to make lunch or dinner plans with a friend, and this semester she is trying group fitness classes. You have some good advice about finding a comfort zone and gradually working out from there.

@Gudmom- I know what you mean. College was transformative for me and I loved living away from home and being independent. We celebrate getting through as well. It sounds like your D is doing well making friends and joining an exercise class. D’s step forward for the week was she called and made an appointment to take driving lessons and had her first lesson today.

Some thoughts:
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/2007642-students-with-anxiety-choosing-a-college-p1.html

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