Anxiety About College In Admitted Student

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi -- I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have about the following situation. My daughter has ADHD and suffers from anxiety. Her ADHD is under control, but she's refused therapy or any discussion of medication for her anxiety. She's been accepted to a number of fine schools ranging in distance from 1 to 8 hours driving distance from our home. The school that is probably the best fit for her, academically and socially, is one that is a seven hour drive from our home. The school that is an hour a way from our home is probably a tier down in academic excellence and has some things about it that make it not a great fit socially, but it is known for having a nurturing environment. </p>

<p>Here's the issue. As she is considering her options, her anxiety is skyrocketing. We are planning trips to visit the schools and attend admitted student days and just the prospect of these trips has caused her to break down in tears. </p>

<p>She has told me that she's scared to leave home and go to college, and is especially scared to be somewhere where she can't easily escape to home. I've suggested perhaps taking a gap year, going to a community college or just accepting the closest college without further considerations of the other schools but she says that she doesn't want that. </p>

<p>She is a dedicated student who has worked unbelievably hard to achieve beyond the wildest expectations of many, most particularly certain of her elementary school teachers. I think this may be driving her to want to accept the most prestigious option, even though it is far away.</p>

<p>She's reluctant to talk about what is scaring her the most about the prospect if college, but I think it is likely the following:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Uncertainty about meeting her people; fitting in socially. </p></li>
<li><p>Not being able to retreat to a quiet, solitary space when she starts to feel overwhelmed. This is a biggie. She deals with her stress by withdrawing and playing her guitar which is very effective at soothing her. I think the prospect of not having her own room to withdraw to us terrifying. She has felt her anxiety building up at camp and other places with roommates. Also, I think she is worried about the general sensory overload and chaos of the dorms. We live in a very quiet orderly environment and lots of noise and chaos are anxiety-triggering for her.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>She's NOT worried about handling the academic work (although if she gets overwhelmed her academic performance will obviously suffer). </p>

<p>To me, the choice seems obvious: she should either go the community college route or go to the school an hour away so that she has the option to come home on weekends. I guess my question is whether I should insist on one of these choices. </p>

<p>I'm also wondering whether anyone out there has had a child with similar kinds of anxiety who went away to school and did fine. We're there any particular things that helped with the transition? Would these kind of issues warrant a request for a single room? (But a single room would increase the risk of social isolation, which is something she fears.)</p>

<p>Any and all thoughts are welcome.</p>

2

<p>I’m sorry. I think I would leave the planning of the visits to her. She shouldn’t consider any school which she can’t pull-herself-together enough to visit. You’ll find out what you are left with.</p>

3

<p>Please don’t take this as dismissive of your daughter’s anxiety, but we have had similar episodes at our house recently and social anxiety is absolutely NOT a general issue for my daughter. Even throughout the audition process we had fights and tears and breakdowns and refusal to talk about WHAT was bothering her. I wish I could say I behaved beautifully during all of this myself, but that would be a lie. I fought back, yelled, argued and cried too. It has been a rough couple of months…</p>

<p>We just went on our last visit at the end of March and that is when my Daughter decided on where she wanted to go to school. It was announced at lunch, when she again began to cry. This time she told me what she was worried about and how she felt about the whole process. I am glad she finally told me, but was sad it took her so long and so much stress to get there. She said that until that moment she COULDN’T put into words what was swarming in her brain. We felt much better and she was calmer as we came home… Until she realized she still had to wait on financial aid. It led to another stress filled few days until she got her answer yesterday. </p>

<p>I tell you this because I think a lot of what you mention is normal fear and stress in this process. I am sure that social anxiety makes it worse but if she deals with it every day at home now, I have faith that she will be able to deal with it at whatever college she lands at. I think she may find even the most outgoing kid feels this way right now…</p>

<p>I would not however suggest a single. After freshman year maybe ( I switched to one second semester sophomore year myself) but having a roomies freshman year forces you to meet new people.</p>

<p>Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using CC</p>

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<p>I don’t think it is a good idea for a young person with uncontrolled anxiety disorders to go far from home for college.</p>

5

<p>Just trying to think out of the box here…</p>

<p>If the dorm environment is what is going to make her fall apart, how about considering renting a room off campus - either a studio apartment, or a room in a quiet shared house? Even if she is required to rent a dorm room the first year, she may need a quiet retreat to go to. </p>

<p>Honestly, dorms can be chaotic and unpleasant, and in my mind are not really a necessary part of the academic experience.</p>

6

<p>A few hours drive from home may be your best bet, if there’s a good option among her choices. Close enough to come home for a short weekend, but not close enough to escape on really short notice midweek. Believe me, you can feel very “away” with a few hours driving distance between you. Plus, you could easily go there for a dinner out to see how she’s doing from time to time. </p>

<p>Regarding the single room option: I’d actually recommend exploring that for your anxious kid who needs down-time by herself. In my experience and my kid’s,students with singles can leave their door open when they want company, and are very likely to get it. A single room can easily become a magnet place to hang out, if that’s what she’d like. She would be in control of that. She’d have the option of closing the door when she needed to recharge. But she wouldn’t have to worry about whether she’ll get along with a roommate. Sounds like she’s already experienced room-sharing at camp, and didn’t like it.</p>

<p>I’d also urge you to get her working with a therapist over the next several months, because making a college choice will NOT be the end of her anxieties about her new life, no matter where she attends. Senior summer can be rough! Perhaps make a contract with her in which she agrees to work with someone beginning now until she leaves for school. Having that experience will make her more likely to seek out the counseling services on her new campus, which will be an important resource for her. Make her do this NOW, so she experiences the benefits of it. Her refusal to participate in counseling would be worrisome to me.</p>

7

<p>She may be able to request a medical single due to the ADHD and anxiety. Also… if I were you I might consider telling her that you don’t feel comfortable having her commit to the schools farther away unless she agrees to see a doctor and participate in therapy and/or give medication a try this summer if the doctor suggests it.</p>

8

<p>I sent you a PM. Please read it.</p>

9

<p>I have friends with similar anxiety issues, and intparent’s suggestions sound the best to me. She should be able to medically request a single if you can get doctor’s notes for that. I would also suggest strongly encouraging her to find a therapist during the summer and/or on/near her campus. Anxiety can be treated, and she shouldn’t have to feel like she has to go through the rest of her life with every big change bringing up such stressful emotions.</p>

10

<p>Thanks so much for the very helpful replies. I really appreciate the thoughtful responses. Momma J, I really appreciated the PM; I don’t have enough posts to respond privately yet. Very helpful.</p>

11

<p>Your D seems to be highly functioning, which I think is key. She’s made it this far so I’d leave her the option of going the rest of the way. I think having a car available might be of great mental comfort. She’s only a seven hour drive away from home. GL</p>

12

<p>If you have an option only an hour away and your daughter has anxiety issues, I don’t think you even need us to answer the question for you.</p>

<p>Let me say this: We all give you permission to keep your daughter closer to home. It’s a good choice.</p>

13

<p>I suggest she ask for a deferred enrollment at the college(s)she is considering, and if they allow it, then tell her she needs to ACCEPT that she needs to start using anti anxiety medication, so she WILL be ready to go away to college a year from now. That’s the deal.<br>
Eventually, she will have to learn to handle her anxiety on her own- with medication or not- and I’m sure she knows that, and also knows that she wont always be able to “run home to momma” when under stress.
The sooner she finds a course of medication that reduces her stress to managable levels the sooner she can enjoy the opportunities that await her at college.</p>

14

<p>This is not a disagreement with menloparkmom, just another set of facts. Anxiety does not always respond well to medication. So, you might also look for a therapist who works with either CBT or DBT. These methods have been shown to be quite effective on anxiety, long term, in research.</p>

<p>Not a diss on medication, just another perspective.</p>

15

<p>^^actually, doing BOTH medication AND CBT or DBT initially [ during the gap year] is the optimum solution.
She then will be better able handle her anxiety when she does get to college and beyond.
In addition, some college counseling services are well set up to work with students with anxiety issues.</p>

16

<p>I also think that having a single at the school some distance away will work well. My daughter planned to request a medical single, but in the end did not need to do so. Her room definitely became a place to hang out–no worries about isolation. In her opinion, having a single removed a huge amount of stress. Another D has had experience with panic attacks and I would agree that counseling starting right now to learn how to deal with the anxiety should be very helpful. I think that what she is feeling right now is pretty normal and come August she may be very ready to go to the school further away as long as she has learned to use tools to help with the anxiety.</p>