Advice needed from college age boys.

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Story: my daughter and her long-term high school boyfriend went to separate colleges 2 1/2 hours away from each other. Before leaving, he convinced her that they "can make it" in a long distance relationship and he implied that he was looking at them being together for the long-term (marriage after college) after my daughter specifically wanted to know that he was looking toward the future before she committed to being in a long-distance relationship.</p>

<p>Shortly before they left I noticed that the boyfriend was acting a little stand-offish with my daughter, but I didn't say anything. After they went to their separate colleges problems immediately started. Basically, he was real, real spotty with communication. He had all sorts of excuses with how busy he was and how difficult it was to adjust. Now, I do know he was busy as he is a college athlete and that takes a lot of hours. The first weekend he could get away, he came back home (an 8 hour drive) to hang out with old friends and go their sporting event. The entire weekend he didn't communicate with my daughter at all. He wouldn't even return a text letting her know he was alive. He later had more excuses of being busy.</p>

<p>A few weeks later he did visit her and they got along, but they spent a lot of time with him talking about if they broke-up, but when my daughter point blank asked him if he wanted to break-up, he insisted he didn’t. About a month later she broke down crying to me on the phone about how emotionally distant he had become and unsupportive of her. The night before he had chastised her for making a very wise decision that he felt just wasn’t the nice thing to do. (I can’t say more about this.) She decided to break-up with after the phone call. I also found out that before they left for college he told her he didn’t want to be physical with her anymore (not sex, but chummy enough) because he was feeling guilty. So, those first few months of school he became more and more emotionally distant and he was already physically distant, which she tried to be understanding because he was supposedly guilty.</p>

<p>He agreed he didn’t have time for a girlfriend and that he was having trouble adjusting to college. He also took full responsibility for the problems that lead to the break-up. After the break-up he started calling all of the time, saying all of the right things, but still insisted he wasn’t ready to be a good boyfriend to her and that he needed to date other girls and actually have another full-blown relationship before he knew if she is the one. Two weeks after the break-up he visited her and asked her if they could “pretend” they were still together and amazingly, his guilt about physical pleasures was gone. Needless to say, they had a cozy weekend and my daughter ended with the hope that things were getting better and her boyfriend was getting out of his “funk” and that they would reunite soon. Instead, he insisted he needed to date others first.</p>

<p>Last week my daughter has a social activity in which she needed an escort. The ex wanted to come over but couldn’t because it was a weeknight. My daughter went with a very intelligent, good-looking, nice and respectful boy she had become friends with. Someone the ex already admitted to being jealous of. She had a great time at the dance and after the dance the ex called because he wanted to get back together. He apparently went out on a date with a high school friend during Thanksgiving and decided my daughter was the one he couldn’t be without, although it took him five days after the date to figure this out.</p>

<p>Now, my daughter wants to get back together over winter break. Not only is this really sad in my opinion, but the boy at her college is very interested in her and wants to date her.</p>

<p>Both my husband and I think he played her and that he probably had a crush on the girl he went out with over Thanksgiving, but decided to get back with my daughter when it didn’t work out. We also feel that the next time he meets a girl he likes he will repeat the above behavior to get my daughter to dump him and if it doesn’t work out, he will charm her back into his life. (In their junior year of hs he went into a “funk” and became very cold to her. He then tried to talk her into letting him go out one-on-one with other girls in school so he could get to know them better as friends. He insisted it wouldn’t be dating because they would go Dutch. At that time she was wiser and told him if he wanted to see other girls –no matter what he was calling it- then she would break-up with him. He decided to not see the other girls.) At that time both my husband and I felt that he really had a couple of girls he wanted to see if he clicked with before breaking-up with our daughter, but that he didn’t want to take the chance of losing her unless he had a sure thing to go to.</p>

<p>We also think that his desire to get back now was prompted by the fear that he might really lose her to the other guy.</p>

<p>We are trying hard to watch what we say, but it is killing us. I ask the college guys if they think my husband and I are on target with what is going on or is this just typical behavior of a confused college kid who thinks he is in-love?</p>

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<p>You and your husband sound about right. He actually probably is a confused college kid who thinks he is in love… which is why she probably should not continue things with him if she values her sanity.</p>

<p>edit: Wait, what was he so “guilty” about?</p>

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<p>They were a little more physically involved than just kissing and he was feeling guilty about it, I guess religious stuff.</p>

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<p>I’ll just go ahead and say it:</p>

<p>** “I need to experiment with other girls first to see if you’re really the one” = “I’m tired of you and I need a lame excuse to date someone better.” **</p>

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<p>Oh LoonLake, you are so correct and I did tell her this when they first broke up, but since he wants to get back he is now doing all of the smooth talking that he knows she loves. And how do you get a 17 girl who is in love to open her eyes. I think that she will just have to learn the hard way.</p>

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<p>Advice from a parent of two college age boys: focus less on the boy and more on your daughter. Your daughter is allowing the situation to be the way it is. Remind her that her worth is not dependent on whether or not she has a boyfriend. Why she would want to continue being a part of the scenario you’ve described hints that she may be lacking in self confidence and self worth. </p>

<p>IMO–no 17-22 year old should be in a serious relationship with one person. This should be a time of individual growth and exploration.</p>

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<p>As a girl, I think she probably will have to learn the hard way-- we always do. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion but I’ve been there and can’t help but chime in… I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel compelled to cool things off and see other people at this stage, but the back and forth bull is just him playing games with her. But if she broke up with him once, she can do it again and I am confident it won’t take her long to start to see how things really are. And in her next relationship, she will have a sense of clarity and self-respect that she doesn’t have now that she’ll have for the rest of her life. So it’ll be okay. Hang in there, and do what you can to encourage her to keep her mind on school.</p>

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<p>@NYSmile define ‘serious.’ I’d rather have a long-term girlfriend than a one-night stand.</p>

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<p>While I understand that you, as parents, might feel like you can read this guy and know what sort of game he is trying to play, but he really probably is just confused. He is in a whole new world and probably very overwhelmed. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt. If your daughter is willing to give him another chance, you should just accept it and see what happens. </p>

<p>And, about this really nice college guy…you are comparing only the part of him(nice, good looking, really sweet) with a long term experience with the other boy. A facade can last a little while, but everyone has flaws and you just know your daughters boyfriend’s flaws. </p>

<p>Anyway, I figured I might as well take the other point of view because I know if i was your daughters boyfriend, I would want someone to convey this message.</p>

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<p>DC, My point is not meant to imply that numerous one night stands are more appropriate for 17-22 year olds than serious long term relationships. Rather, I’m not a fan of long term relationships for young people. IMO–This is an age group when kids (young adults) should be exploring friendships with a diverse group of people. This is an age when dating a variety of people helps teach (through experience) what type of partner is a good fit for the future.
I’m not talking about sleeping around. I’m talking about dating and casual relationships with people you’re attracted to. </p>

<p>OP–Please don’t put the blame on this young man. He’s a kid. He’s trying to transition into a new environment. It sounds as though he wants to take that leap into his college life, but he’s still at a point where he’s afraid to let go of past. By holding on to the thought of being with your D, he’s holding on to that safe and comforting feeling he had in HS. College is a scary place at first and it could very well be that when things get tough in his new environment, he tries to grasp and hold on to the security he had in HS (your daughter).</p>

<p>I’m sure he cares about your daughter. However, it sounds as though he’s a young man who is currently torn between moving on into adulthood (college life) and trying desperately to hold on to memories of a more simple and comfortable time (the relationship with your D is a symbol of that time in his life). </p>

<p>Again, focus less on this young man and more on your daughter.</p>

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<p>Ah nysmile, I see what you mean.</p>

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<p>I’m not a college-aged boy - but I went through a situation similar to your daughter. We were high school sweethearts, went to college close to each other, halfway through he starts getting distant and emotionally unavailable, a few months later announces that we need to take a “break” and he wants to date other people. But then immediately after the break-up, we’re the closest of friends, he calls all the time, but he still doesn’t want to have a relationship. Physical relationship remained.</p>

<p>It occurred to me somewhere along the line - and hopefully, it will occur to your daughter, too - that he wanted the best of both worlds. I was his hometown girl, and he loved me, so he wanted to keep me around - just in case nothing better came along. And yet, he was in college, and there were all of these fascinating, beautiful women that he had never met before; in that context the idea of staying with your high school sweetheart seemed kind of boring! So (whether it was intentional or not) he kept me on this yo-yo of hope that we would get back together so he could keep me close while he explored his oats. And of course, he was having dates and I was just hoping.</p>

<p>So I think the answer to your question is - both. Your husband is on target, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a confused college kid in love with his hometown girlfriend. He may be torn between what his friends and society expect of him - to date around, sleep with a lot of girls, and “have fun” during his college days - and between his love for your daughter. So yes, I think he’s trying to string her along so he can have the best of both, because I’m 100% positive that’s what my boyfriend was doing at the time (he’s told me as much). That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her and doesn’t see a future with her, though.</p>

<p>My advice to your daughter, and this is what I did, is to cut him loose, fully. (You may tell her this, but I guarantee she’s not going to listen to you unless she’s already calmed down. My mom and aunts told me this from jump and I ignored them until I realized it myself.) Unless she’s willing to be in an open relationship, he has two choices - he can be her boyfriend exclusively, no outside dating (which is fine) or they can go their separate ways and explore and date to their heart’s content (also fine). I think it’s important that if your daughter does this she does it without bitterness or reservations because he’ll exploit that. It’s difficult to get to that point when you’re really in love - it takes weeks or months of crying your eyes out, picking yourself up, falling apart again, etc. But once she’s there, it’ll be liberating to her, and she might find that she enjoys dating other guys. I did! Dating was fun, not being in a serious relationship was also fun, and hopefully she’s got girlfriends she can hang out with and lots to do on her campus. Once my boyfriend and I broke up I rediscovered old hobbies and discovered new passions that I never knew existed because I was spending all my time with him!</p>

<p>In the long run, though, I had a happy ending - we ended up getting back together, after a long time (almost a year). During that years time I dated, studied abroad, and did research in another state. Funnily enough, by putting him completely out of my mind and making myself less available, he came to appreciate me more than when I was always around. This was all four years ago, and we’re engaged now. We sort of ‘started over’ instead of, like nysmile said, just riding on that high school wave of comfort and familiarity. And we’re better for it - I’m not sacrificing all my time and my sense of self to be with him (not that that’s what your daughter’s doing, but I think it’s common for HS relationships to be all-consuming).</p>

<p>But even without the expectation of getting back together…I think your daughter should think about herself now, and just her. Forget him - it’s much easier said than done (and I know it!) but honestly, forget him. Tell her to have fun and focus on herself, and tell her to let him know he can do whatever he wants - but so will she. He won’t like that, lol. Only through time away will it become clear whether he’s just stringing her along because he wants to leave but he’s too comfortable to, or whether he’s really confused and in love.</p>

<p>And OP, my mama was my biggest source of strength throughout this ordeal (and yes, it was an ordeal! We’d been together 5 years before the split, and that semester my grades tanked, I had a nervous breakdown, it was terrible!) So IMO you should say what you want to say. She might be upset with you now but she will thank you for it later when she’s realizing how right you are. And when she looks back on it later in life, she’ll remember your strength and what to emulate that.</p>

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<p>Theres alot of topics like this on this site. He sounds kind of rude to me. Usually in college guys have more then one girlfriend, but he should have text back at least.</p>

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<p>Tell her to cut the guy off completely. I see way too many of my friends with highschool girlfriends playing college like their single and then going home every once in a while to get some. She has to realize she doesn’t need this guy to validate her, and that it’s ok if they’re over for good. It’s not healthy for her to constantly think about him cheating on her (which I can almost guarantee you he probably does). As for the sudden acts of warmth and empathy, it’s cause jealousy is a strong driving force at times, and makes you do things, even if it’s not from the most genuine of feelings.</p>

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<p>juillet, what good advice! I agree whole heartedly.</p>

<p>Some of the best advice I heard for getting over someone was to completely cut them out of your life. Delete them off facebook, block their number, throw away all pictures of you two together, get rid of or put away all the things he gave you. Otherwise, she will go back to it and remember the old times where she was treated better and her BF wasn’t in college.</p>

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<p>Sounds to me like the guy wants a “relationship of convenience”. </p>

<p>What I mean by that is he wants a girlfriend when it’s convenient for him…when he’s not at his college partying, hitting on other girls, in class, studying (if he even does that), etc. </p>

<p>He’s using your daughter as a “fall back”, to satisfy his needs (either emotionally and/or physically) when he has nobody else to fill them.</p>

<p>That’s why he’s threatened by this other guy. He’s worried the other guy will be better for your daughter, thereby eliminating his “fall back” girl. </p>

<p>Guys sounds like a loser, imo. Tell your daughter to have fun in college, date other guys and don’t be attached to one guy from high school. High school relationships almost never survive when two people go away to separate colleges.</p>

<p>The guys seems to put himself first in the relationship. Any relationship where you put yourself first is doomed from the get go.</p>

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<p>Well, my daughter is planning on reuniting with ex over the break and he now wants to get engaged in a year and get married after UG. He swears he only wants her and wants to commit. I have decided I am gong to step back and watch what happens. I did tell her my concerns and she did listen and admitted she shared the same concerns, but she wanted to give him another chance and if problems start again, she will walk away completely. We will see. One nice thing is that after she told the new guy about the ex they had no problem just being friends. They will continue to share the same classes for a while and continue studying together. They both made A’s in the class they shared and studied together in this semester. </p>

<p>Anyway, if the ex falls through she still has plenty of guys to choose from on her campus and with the number of guys who tried to date her when she became single a few months ago, she does know other guys find her attractive. In the meantime, she is focused on school (officially straight A’s for her first semester) and she will find the right person when the time is right, I am sure of that.</p>

<p>Thank you to everyone who shared their stories and opinions. Everyone’s comments were truly helpful. Thank you again.</p>