<p>My gf and I have known each other since 9th grade, and have been good friends since 10th. we became better friends after she got into columbia ed... i guess on some level, we think there is a pretty good chance of us going to school close together in the fall. so even though we're ending up going to different schools, we're already from abroad(Canada) so studying in the New England region together is a lot better than we thought things would be (separated from coast to coast). Anyway, we started "offcially dating" in march this year... and it's really weird because we at first just casually dating starting in feb, and then we decided to make this committment to each other after considerate deliberation.</p>
<p>the problem is... we both agree that this relationship is really different from our past ones - we take this one a lot more serious and we spent days if not weeks thinking if we should go for it and we believe this is not a typical high school relationship where you just "have fun". we're both worried about a bad breakup since we really don't want to hurt our friendship. for me, I don't know what the heck I want. I think things like, 'do you really want to tie yourself down just when you're about to meet so many new people?' and I think I just want to keep it casual. But then I think, for once, this can be something really good, but I guess I'm just really afraid of another disappointment, another bad breakup. I'm just scared and worried about having to go through the same breakup with her, which would totally hurt our friendship and would be a huge loss for me at least. Our parents also don't want us to date at this age. but then again, they can't do much after we leave for college.</p>
<p>i don't know. i'm really really concerned and worried... we both want things to work out but then we both know that we're just getting out of high school and we're going to school in different states and that we'll meet tons of other awesome people. We even talked about this - what would happen if things don't work ou... then we decided that we just have to hope for the best and whatever happens is meant to be and there is no poing in worrying about it; rather, we should just enjoy what we have right now... but the concern nonetheless still worries me..... And i can honestly say that for my entire high school career and maybe even life so far, the two best things that's ever happened to me are getting into Harvard and her... that's how much she means to me. for us, this is not a typical relationship.... we both think it would be great if we could keep this up for a few years and maybe get married, but then we're both afraid of disappointments so we don't dare to expect much... guess we're too scared to want anything too much now... </p>
<p>How do you suggest we could keep this relationship over long distance between NYC and boston... And personal experience from your son/daughter or any general advice would be great.</p>
<p>"nothing worth having comes easy."</p>
<p>If you want honest, but hard, advice from someone who spent freshman year in a long-distance high school relationship: put it on the back burner before you two leave for college.</p>
<p>I think, in the long run, it does no good to be talking on the phone instead of making new friends.</p>
<p>To carry it one step further, I think the best piece of advice the senior students at my D's school offered during orientation is: don't get yourself in a relationship freshman year, no matter what. It's too isolating at the very time you want to be involved in as many group activities as you can.</p>
<p>When you go off to college you are just starting to discover who you are and what you want. It is a time to bond with new people and a time of discovery. It is very hard to do that when you have a relationship. It is hard to discover who you are seperate from this relationship. I could write pages on this from one of my kids relationship but it is not my place. That said you can hold on to that friendship and if it is meant to last it will at some point. You will change next year but noone can tell you what to do you need to go through this and follow your instincts. Just give yourself fully to your new experience, If you are sitting in your room for an hour each day talking to your girlfriend while other freshman are forming relationships and connecting to their school it will be detrimental to your happiness and sense of connectedness. Ah, I just noticed interesteddad's comment, great minds.. and all that! Anyways, easy for us to say right. Good luck!</p>
<p>Yeah on a map Boston and New York look close together (New York technically isn't part of New England), but it's a four hour drive each way. It's doable, but it's not like you're going to Harvard and She's going to MIT, or even Brown or Dartmouth.</p>
<p>This is a problem I can really relate to, because 33 years ago, I was in the exact same situation. The problem is, life doesn't always present things at the optimal time. I met my husband at 17--he was headed off to college, and I was going into my senior yr. of high school (we met at summer camp, of all places!) To make a very long story short, we went to different schools for my freshman year, saw other people, but kind of found out that we were really soul mates and meant to be together. I eventually transferred to his school, we later had another year apart after he graduated (still dated others), and then planned to be together. If I'm honest, and life were perfect, it would have been better had we met later, because even tho we did see other people, I don't think we were really able to be open to new relationships. Still, the alternative, ....that we wouldn't have ended up together, just because we were young, is unthinkable. So, bottom line is that if you think this person is really important to you, you should not just end it because of bad timing. Perhaps you should let the relationship evolve without a plan through the summer, with an agreement that you both need to see other people in college. Phone calls and e-mails and visits may or may not continue...just let time and experiences and your feelings guide you. At least that's what worked for us.</p>
<p>One thing to think about- why did you decide to "move to the next level" in your relationship and is your relationship that much different- converstations, etc, or do you just talk more seriouslly about things. Think if its really the relationship that has changed or your IDEA about the relationship. Did things really change a lot? THe reason I ask, is because you may be wanting to hold onto THAT. </p>
<p>Planning on Marriage in even a couple of years is putting WAY to much pressure on each other, and probably will lead to disappointment. College is pressure enough without worrying about someone at another school. </p>
<p>You both sound like you are pretty mature, but think about this:</p>
<p>When you are with a bunch of friends, going out, what if you discover you like someone...what are you gonna do? What if GF goes out with friends, nothing serious, but how would you feel?</p>
<p>Remember, you are both young and are going to meet some awesome people in a couple of great cities. Think before you go off pledging your lives to each other.</p>
<p>Love is rare. You are describing the most adult relationship either of you have ever had. It is wonderful that you started out as friends. This is a special time for you both. Enjoy the time you have together now. No one can say what the future will bring. Maybe you will always be together and maybe you will grow apart. Even though you are young, sometimes people do find their soulmates at your age. Only time will tell. </p>
<p>In a few months, you will be moving to different cities. You will need to settle in to a new life in a new environment. It might be very hard to be separated. The transition will be easier if during the summer, you make sure to maintain friendships with other people in addition to your girlfriend. And give yourselves some personal time as well. And time with your families. Sometimes when people are very involved in a relationship, their other relationships seem pale and shallow by comparison. Try not to let this happen, especially with your other friends. Even though you might want to spend lots of time with your girlfriend this summer, seeing her 24/7 will only make it harder on both of you when you start college. You might try to keep things with your girlfriend on the lighter side, in other words, maintain all of the positive fun aspects of the relationship but avoid escalating. Have the best relationship that two 18-year-olds can have; don't try to be 24 or 35. There is time for that later.</p>
<p>You don't have to break up when you go to college, but it will be hard to see each other as often as you might like. Your first priority is your education. It will be important to make new friends at school, and engage yourselves as much as possible in academics and activities. You owe it to yourselves to experience everything your colleges have to offer. Sometimes couples evolve in different directions during this time, sometimes not. Take it step by step. It will be tempting to rely on her emotionally but you'll need to reach out and open up to your new friends so that they can get to know all of you.</p>
<p>Chances are that your parents are afraid that your relationship will compromise your adjustment to school and your happiness there. They might be afraid that a girlfriend will be a distraction. Talk to them about how you plan to handle this.</p>
<p>You seem like a person who plans ahead. One thing you could do later in the summer is to look at your college calendars, consider how often you might get together, set some tentative weekends, and check train schedules. Take turns making plans and hosting your visits, to keep things balanced. But resist planning out the rest of 2005! It will put too much pressure on the relationship. Harvard and Columbia are huge opportunities. Hopefully you can find a way to include each other in your college experience, in a way that enhances this unique time in your lives. Good luck. Enjoy this special summer.</p>
<p>thanks very much for the advice. we've decided that we should keep this going and HOPE for the best while prepare for the worst.</p>
<p>but now, i REALLY need some advice from parents... </p>
<p>to make a long story short, last night was prom... so me and her went out to dessert than to the seawall afterwards just to walk around and chat... it was during that time that she told me something she hasn't told anyone else before... she talked about one of her freshmen boyfriend, and that what he did to her will "scar her for the rest of her life." he was "very forceful" and she didn't know how to "say no." </p>
<p>so now, i am so confused and appalled.. i don't know what to do, say or to think anymore... she says even today (almost 4 years later), what had happened still bothers her and makes her feel very uncomfortable... she told me this while we were walking, and after she told me, i was so appalled that i didn't really say anything else for the rest of the night. </p>
<p>what should i think or do in this situation... my first priority is trying to help her to move on and get over it. i told her that when she goes to college and after she graduates, she will not remember the freshmen high school year because college will be a much more overwhelming experience.... but as of now... this is very awkward and i'm completely lost. i think how i handle this information is secondary at this point... i asked her if there is anything i can do to help her and she said no... i'm very confused, scared, and lost, any advice would be great</p>
<p>Feel free to PM me if the content is somewhat personal.</p>
<p>thanks very much</p>