Highschool Boyfriend --- What to do about college

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi Parents,</p>

<p>I am a 17 year old female junior. I have been going out with my boyfriend for the past year and a half (we met in history class), and we’re really happy together — he’s incredible, and probably as close as possible to the perfect boyfriend. I think that we have a really mature and healthy relationship. However, I really need some advice for how to handle our relationship in the next year and a half, in the context of selecting colleges. </p>

<p>We are both interested in colleges in assorted places (most of each of our choices are in the northeast, some in the midwest, some on the west coast), and we really don’t know where we’ll end up. We are interested in some of the same colleges, and there are colleges that would be realistic matches and good fits for both of us, but the chances of us going to the same school are pretty small. (Our stats are not too far apart, but I’m a couple rungs higher on the “food chain.” Our SATS are 2400 and 2050 (highest combined), respectively, and the trend is similar in our other aspects.) We are not interested in the same programs in college (I plan to study physics or engineering; he wants history).</p>

<p>He has strongly implied that he assumes that we’ll stay together after highschool, but I don’t know if that is what I want. I am pretty sure that I don’t want to be tied down at least the first few months of college — I was incredibly awkward until abouth midway through freshman year, and I really want to meet new people, have new experiences, etc. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t know if I want to stay together through college, but I absolutely don’t want him to make choices about the schools that he applies to based on assumptions that we are definitely going to stay together. (I know that pretty much the absolute worst thing that I could do is let him think that I want to stay with him when/if I really don’t, and have that affect what he does.) We have sort of talked about the next year; I told him that we should keep an open mind about where we want to go (I didn’t say anything about our relationship), and that we should realize that it is possible that in April of next year I will have my heart set on UC Berkeley (if I get in — possible but not too likely) and he on NYU, and that we should be prepared to deal if that happens. </p>

<p>I’ve talked to my mother about this. She really likes him, but understands why I might not want to have a boyfriend when I’m starting college; she’s afraid that it might hinder my options. She absolutely does not want me to get tied down in a serious relationship until after college. I talk to her about relationship stuff quite a bit, but I want advice from other people, too.</p>

<p>So basically these are my questions:</p>

<li><p>What do you think about taking a highschool relationship into college? If the couple goes to the same college? Colleges in the same area? Colleges on opposite coasts?</p></li>
<li><p>How and when should I talk to my boyfriend about how I feel about possibly not staying together in college?</p></li>
<li><p>Is it bad that I want to go out with my boyfriend through high school, but not in college? In other words, are deliberately temporary relationships unhealthy?</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Thanks a lot for reading my post; I realize it was really long.</p>

2

<p>I think it's clear you don't want the relationship to persist in boyfriend-girlfriend status into college. Even if you did, you would be making a mistake, I think, to let any relationship govern where you choose to go to college, especially since you are likely to have a wider range of college choices than he does. One might "follow" a spouse, but this is not the time or place for that. Stay friends, but let the romance die a natural death. My guess is that you are not together by spring semester next year. Don't make the mistake of setting out to go to the same school, or even the same city for his sake only to find out you are not together when it's time to head off to college. Nothing wrong with just dating in high school and no need to approach him about this other than just to let him know that you are considering college like anyone else: trying to decide on the best situation for you academically and socially. Best wishes~!</p>

3

<p>I'm a fellow junior also starting this whole process =) I definitely agree with you about not being together in college and having time to explore on your own, make new friends, and create/settle into your college life. This must be really tough: you don't want to hurt his feelings, yet you ultimately want to do what's right for you and fully enjoy college. My advice would be to not tell him flat- out that you want this to end by the graduation, but when you talk about college or the future and he brings up going to school together/ in the same city, gently tell him that you're looking for very different things in college, and that who knows where you both will be this time next year and to plan accordingly. But be direct. If he clearly brings it up and says that he wants to stay with you in college, tell him you don't know what you'll want even a few months from now and not to bank on your actions. Don't make any false promises to try to soften the blow or put off awkwardness, tempting as it may be. Good luck!</p>

4

<p>Wait. Do not predict your own behavior and emotions-- or anyone else's-- in a year's time. Good luck. Follow your heart, but do not be afraid of work. Love is a verb, after all. If a relationship isn't worth the work necessary to keep it going after high school, you will not do it-- that I can promise you.</p>

5

<p>Seriously, you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling the way that you do. If that's how you feel then you don't owe anybody any apologies. Just be upfront and honest with your boyfriend. No matter what the situation, break-ups are rarely mutual anyway. Just consider it a lesson in life.</p>

6

<p>I would suggest you both apply to Johns Hopkins University. It has great programs for what you're interested in (maybe apply for BME?) and it might be a bit easier for him to get in as a humanities student. Also, there are great schools nearby in Baltimore, such as Goucher (a liberal arts college), and many others. So you would still be near one another.</p>

<p>Other cities that offer many colleges would be Boston, MA, or NY. Good luck on staying together, but if you don't, it's not the end of the world. You can stay as a couple even long distance.</p>

<p>An in regards to <em>not</em> wanting to stay together -- be honest with him. Don't influence where he goes to college and then end the relationship. Tell him to keep an open mind about where he applies, and go where he wants most, regardless of where you are going to go.</p>

7

<p>Just another piece of advice... whatever you decide to do, I wouldn't go to the same school. If you end up wanting to keep going out with him, being in the same city is reasonable. But having that safety blanket at college (college is a brand new situation to assimilate into, and when faced with change we all tend to hold on to what we know) would definitely hinder your making friends and establishing your own niche at school. It's also awkward if you break up, especially at a small school.</p>

8

<p>I second ladylazarus.</p>

<p>I had a long distance relationship through high school. He graduated a year before me and went to UCSC. When it was time for me to pick schools, I ended up subconsciously making everything about UCSC look better because he was there. We are still together, so there's not much awkwardness, but it severely debilitated my chances of getting to know <em>other</em> people, because I was always with or near him and I had that "safety blanket" ladylazarus mentioned.</p>

<p>Unless you have your heart set on going to the particular college that your boyfriend ends up (not because he's there, necessarily, just because it's where you wanted to go and it happens he's going there too), I would suggest strongly considering "somewhere else".</p>

9

<p>I'm in a similar situation, except 2 years down the line. My boyfriend is a year older than me. When he graduated he chose a community college over UCSB, supposedly because of money but really to stay with me. When it came time for me to go away, I turned down the opportunity to go to Scripps (which I actually dont regret, but thats just luck) mostly because I felt like I had to stay for him after he stayed for me. My excuse was also money. Now, a year later, we are both transferring. Im going to Berkeley and he is going to UCSB.</p>

<p>We have been together for three years and I love him, but we are not staying together after he moves. I feel like college is about finding your own niche and changing if you want to. I dont want to be tied down and I dont think I could maintain a relationship with someone who lives 5 hours away. I dont love him any less, and we plan on remaining friends. Neither one of us is ruling out getting back together after college if it seems right. </p>

<p>So theres my story. I dont have any valuable advice, I just think its nice to know someone else is in the same boat. I hate this, but I think its very important not to limit yourself at such a young age. Who knows what will happen down the road.</p>

10

<p>I also think it's important not to view all relationships as inherently "limiting." If both people have strongly developed senses of themselves, and the relationship is a major factor in their emotional and spiritual development, it is limiting only in a rather superficial sense.
Scott Peck wrote that the ultimate aim of a relationship is the individual spiritual development of both of its members. If a relationship starts to hinder that, it really is limiting. If all it hinders is certain forms of socialization, I'm really not convinced that it could be called much of a problem.</p>

11

<p>nothing original ... just echoing a couple thoughts already shared ... in my opinion</p>

<p>1) <em>DO NOT</em> let your relationship guide either of your college choices ... college can be an amazing experience, especially if you are at a school that is a "great fit" ... each of you owe it to yourselves to go to a school that is as great a fit as possible. If it happens to be the same place ... great .... if not, that is fine also.</p>

<p>2) Follow your heart about splitting up before college or not ... if you go to different schools and want to try to make a go if it ... go for it. The odds are that one (or more likely both) of you will eventually feel the need to split are high but there are lots of HS couples who make it. I believe partners are a lot like colleges ... if you have a "great fit" I wouldn't mess with it unless you need to (and to be honest from your original post for you it might be time to separate). I also believe, that if you two are meant to be together that will probably eventually work out (especially if you stay in the same hometown).</p>

12

<p>I concur with 3togo. It is healthful to separate a little at this time in your lives, but there doesn't need to be a big break up scene. My high school sweetheart and I went to schools 1000 miles apart. We eventually met and dated all kinds of interesting new people, and made friends we probably would not have if we'd been together at the same school. It was good for both of us. And as 3togo said about if two people are meant to be together . . . We are about to celebrate our 24th anniversary. One side note you might also think about, I know a few people who didn't date much and married their first loves, some happy, some divorced. All are wondering, to some extent or another, what if . . .?</p>

13

<p>Dump him - it's better than "cheating".</p>

14

<p>Technically, they are not cheating even they have affairs with someone else. LOL.</p>

15

<p>I've stayed with my girlfriend since I was a sophomore in high school, and now I'm graduating at 21/almost 22. We couldn't be happier. We stayed together when I studied abroad for 6 months, and we'll stay together even though I'm moving to Japan.</p>

<p>It can be done, and I have no regrets. Finding someone you love sure beats the dating game.</p>

16

<p>what you face is not an uncommon dilemma. While a few HS long-distance relationships last, many of the ones I saw ended in Xmas break of frosh year, and of those remaining none lasted frosh year. And as you realize, going to the same college can be limiting in what should be a wonderful time of exploration and change.</p>

<p>If this guy really is a wonderful match for you then like 1moremom pointed out who knows what the future will hold?</p>

<p>Also I want to give a bit different perspective on dating and the "one true love" idea. If you think about it, what are the chances that this is the only guy perfect for you? Had anything changed slightly in your life (your parents lived 1 town over, let alone 1 state over), would you be doomed to a life without love? For that matter, what are the odds that the one perfect guy just happens to be attending your HS out of all the HS's in the country? The point I'm making is there are many people who would be a great fit for each of us. Which one we meet is largely a matter of geography and luck. Reading between the lines I have the impression that your bf is more fixated on making things work out than you are, and you should realize that if you break up with him you're not dooming him (or yourself) to a miserable life where you have to settle for someone who's second-best.</p>

<p>Lastly, if you talk to any college student, say a junior or senior, I'm sure they'll tell you how much they've changed since frosh year and how in some ways they don't recognize their former self. College is a time to explore, to sample, to question, and its not clear that the person who comes out the other end is the same person you are today. Nor is it certain what you are looking for in a SO will be the same. In some cases, of course, the wonderful qualities you've found now are the ones that you'll want in the future, as uclari and 1moremom illustrate. But perhaps they won't be, so why tie yourself down now?</p>

17

<p>Here's my own personal experience. When I was a junior in high school, I began dating the boy next door (literally). He was nearly four years older than me, but my parents really liked him, so they didn't have a problem with it. He was a very nice guy ... almost too nice. He had a good job and made good money. I got flowers and gifts constantly and he was always doing things for me. I almost felt smothered. He didn't like the fact that I went to church with friends on Wednesday nights. It wasn't the church thing that bothered him, but the being out with friends. When it was nearing time for me to go away to college, he informed me that he was going to request a transfer at his job so that he could be near me in the city where I was going. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just knew that I needed to go away by myself. I broke up with him. I'll never forget my mom telling me I had "missed the boat". I didn't miss the boat at all. I met my DH at college and we've been married for 20 years. Don't feel obligated to stay in a relationship. Just be honest. That's what you would want from your boyfriend ... he deserves the same. Good luck!</p>